Buddy the Elf

I would like to introduce everyone to a new addition to my family:

Hi there.

This is Buddy.  He is an elf on the shelf.  If you are unaware of this phenomenon because you don’t have kids or just have not succumbed to the charms associated with this tradition, let me explain.  The elf on the shelf is an elf that sits in your home, watching the kids to make sure they are being good.  Every night he flies home to Santa to tell him the score of the day.  Then on Christmas Eve, Santa picks him up and he goes back to the North Pole until the holidays roll around the next year. 

Every family has to name their elf, and my kids picked the name Buddy.  Actually, it was originally Santa’s Little Buddy, but we shortened it.  Either that, or he was going to be named The Grinch (per my 3 year old), but that was vetoed because it didn’t quite have that holiday spirit.

Because he flies back to Santa every night, in the morning, he is always in a different spot in our house.  Sometimes on the fireplace mantel, sometimes on the drapes, on a lamp, a picture frame . . . you get the idea.  Basically, Buddy has free reign to come and go as he pleases and reposition himself wherever he feels comfortable.

The children have delighted every morning in trying to find where Buddy ended up the prior evening, and gleefully announce his whereabouts once he is spotted.  Basically, Buddy has been a welcome addition to our (mostly) holiday loving family.

But, I have recently discovered that Buddy may not be what he appears.  Apparently, there is a dark side to Buddy.  He is not content to just sit on a shelf and wait for the kids to discover him with glee each morning.  Oh no.  He is a very naughty little elf.  Apparently, he has been having a bit of fun in the dark hours of the night while everyone else is asleep. 

The way I discovered his bad boy side was when one morning, as I was leaving for work, I took a look at my phone.  I noticed that there were some abnormalities from when I left it to charge the night before.  First, it was no longer charging.  Someone had unplugged it and left it almost drained of the battery.  Second, when I turned it on, it did not go to the main page.  No, it did not.  It instead opened onto some pretty disturbing images.  It seems that my phone had been used during the night to document some shenanigans occurring between Buddy and a host of other characters that in years past have been content to also sit on mantels and shelves to decorate the house during the holidays.  But apparently, not this night.  I can only assume that Buddy was a bad influence on our holiday friends.  And I have documented proof of the wild times that occurred between Buddy and these normally sedate and classical holiday characters. 

Brace yourself . . . these pictures are quite graphic and I wouldn’t want to ruin your childhood memories of all these beloved icons forever.  You might not want to look any further . . .

Ok, then . . . I warned you.  Here they are:

Playing Reindeer Games

 

Guess he caught him.

 

Look away, Cornelius. Look away.

 

He likes it Ruff.

 

One happy dentist.

 

Oh, Gingy!

 

Not you too, Sam!

 

Santa Claus is coming . . .

Manage a Elf

Well, I’m sorry you had to be subjected to those vile and obscene photos, but I felt it was my obligation to show the world the dangers of having an elf in your home.  Apparently, my elf is a complete nympho, and I fear yours might be as well.  Keep an eye on those elves, and you may want to hide all your other holiday decorations.  For the safety of all reindeer, please, be vigilant!

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43 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kelly
    Dec 07, 2011 @ 16:17:01

    OMG MISTY! I can’t stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally had a whole “Buddy the Elf! What’s your favorite color?” thing going, but now I’m… omg. I love you so much. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  2. lazysubculturalgirl
    Dec 07, 2011 @ 16:22:32

    My grandparents had one of those, but we didn’t do the whole hiding him thing — he just perched on the lamp with his creepy 70’s plastic face. I’m guessing now that it’s the doll version of the porn ‘stache.

    I refuse to do something with my kids that requires daily participation from moi, because I am the least daily person I’ve ever met. I mean, I shower daily but that’s about it. They’ve taken over things like the Advent calendar on their own, and good riddance.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Dec 09, 2011 @ 15:14:35

      I didn’t realize this thing was around for so long. I thought it was a semi-new phenomenon. Huh.

      Yeah, I wasn’t really thinking this whole thing out. Then, once I realized that I actually bought something that required me actually remembering to DO something every single night? Sucks.

      Reply

  3. Leauxra
    Dec 07, 2011 @ 17:37:05

    I know you warned me, but my eyes still feel a little… violated. I am not sure I should have looked at this at work.

    Reply

  4. Jo
    Dec 07, 2011 @ 18:07:09

    Tis the season for falalala…that Buddy is wicked! Hope he’s been tested for STD’s….just sayin’.

    Reply

  5. Seasweetie
    Dec 07, 2011 @ 18:45:02

    Oh, heavens, you are wonderful! Thanks for the perfectly sick day-brightener! I had a shelf elf back in the days of yore when I was a kid – I’m not sure what happened to him, but now I suspect he’s off in some illegal elf brothel in Siberia.

    Reply

  6. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    Dec 07, 2011 @ 21:32:12

    So it’s do as I say, not as I do. Although, I bet he also says some pretty nasty stuff!

    Reply

  7. hoodyhoo
    Dec 08, 2011 @ 07:56:58

    Yeah, so number one, you’re going to hell. And number 2, Buddy is so cute, where did you get him?

    Reply

  8. thoughtsappear
    Dec 08, 2011 @ 08:55:14

    Oh…my…gawd. You didn’t.

    Oh but you did. And it’s hilarious! I always suspected that about Herbie….

    Reply

  9. Phoenix Rising
    Dec 08, 2011 @ 13:24:18

    Elf porn. This is awesome!

    Reply

  10. lisa from insignificant at best
    Dec 08, 2011 @ 15:00:49

    You sick, twisted, woman. I knew I loved you for a reason.

    As for Buddy…you might want to get him tested for STDs. Just sayin’.

    Reply

  11. Jen
    Dec 08, 2011 @ 16:11:04

    Nothing says tidings of comfort and joy like a reindeer getting a reach-around. Adeste Fideles, Misty. You have made us proud.

    Reply

  12. Charity
    Dec 08, 2011 @ 16:13:05

    Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha. A reach around…. lulz.

    Reply

  13. Becca
    Dec 08, 2011 @ 17:38:16

    Wow… I may never look at Christmas the same way ever again.

    Reply

  14. wicked opinion
    Dec 08, 2011 @ 20:38:01

    See?? I told you Elf on the Shelf was a creeper but NOOOOO no one believed me. Proof! Proof!

    Reply

  15. Grammy@gram-cracker.com/blog
    Dec 09, 2011 @ 07:42:31

    MY EYES! MY EYES! OH. THE. HORRORS.

    Reply

  16. cornfedgirl
    Dec 09, 2011 @ 09:28:14

    Oh good Lord Misty! Buddy is a full-blown (pardon the expression) PERV! Thank goodness my Ellis is G-Rated!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Dec 09, 2011 @ 15:31:59

      As far as you know! Maybe he just hasn’t gotten around to taking photographic evidence of his exploits. Keep an eye out. Might wanna check your other creatures for any signed of being violated.

      Reply

  17. Paula @ thewilyweez
    Dec 09, 2011 @ 11:49:48

    I seriously will love you forever and always because of this. I had to close my office door because I was laughing so hard. You are an evil genius!

    Reply

  18. Heather Rose
    Dec 09, 2011 @ 17:32:09

    Why don’t we have anything like this for Hannukah?! Damn you, Judaism…

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Dec 13, 2011 @ 10:42:57

      Yeah, your religion sucks. I’d think about converting if I were you. At least for better presents and a tree!

      And maybe you can create a Harry on the Shelf? Harry on the Dreidel? Harry on the Menora? (did I spell any of those words right? I’m too lazy to look it up and yiddish is pretty whack, yo! Besides, I’m just a goyim). :)

      Reply

  19. Mayor Gia
    Dec 11, 2011 @ 19:46:35

    Hahahahhahah I LOVE this! I thought I was the only one who made inanimate objects do ridiculously filthy things (http://mayorgia.blogspot.com/2011/11/allies-love-triangle-of-ducks-and-geese.html)

    Reply

  20. Kat Lukenovich
    Jan 10, 2012 @ 15:26:34

    OMG!!! I couldn’t stop laughing…I ended up choking convulsively!!! I wasn’t ready for my saliva to drip down my chute…
    My co-worker came running from across my office and gave me the hardest blow on the back of my shoulders…she was afraid I was choking to death, until she saw my computer and witnessed what caused this fiasco and found herself on the floor under my desk laughing so hard :-)

    Reply

  21. Trackback: Weekly Whacked: Where Y’all Take Over « Misty's Laws
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