I’ve got nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Bupkis. Diddly. Squat. There is just nothing to post about at all. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got lots of stuff swirling around in the ole noggin . . . ideas, thoughts, concepts. But I just do not have any coherency to get those things in order and write something entertaining, educational, witty or fun. Just not gonna happen.
You know what I do have? Excuses! Yep, oh boy, do I have excuses. Wanna hear ’em? Well, here ya go:
– The dog ate my post
– My kid drew all over my post with crayon
– My alarm didn’t go off
– Really bad traffic
– I couldn’t find my keys/iphone
– I am hungover
– Seriously, I was sick all weekend with my head in this fog and just couldn’t find the energy or mental wherewithal to coherently write anything interesting. Oh, and did I mention that the hubs actually drove himself to the hospital Sunday morning because he was having chest pains (he is completely fine), leaving sickie me to take care of the kids for about 10 hours. Yeah, that was a fun day for all.
– Too much football/Restaurant Impossible to watch. Have you seen this show? It is my new addiction. (Also caught a few minutes of Firefly whilst flipping through channels. Now I can actually say that I have seen that show. So there’s that).
– Also, my secretary passed away last week and her viewing was Monday afternoon. It was truly disturbing because the place did such a piss poor job on her that every couple minutes her eye would start leaking, making it look like she was crying, and a guy who worked there would have to come over occasionally and wipe away the tears. It was horrifying. And a horrible way to remember a really sweet lady.
So, yeah. Are you buying any of those excuses? No? Well, whatever, you are still not getting a real post today. Suck on it. I’m still feeling crappy and this is the best I’ve got, so deal with it. You can’t fire me, I don’t work here!
Ok, fine. How about a poll? Wouldn’t that be new and exciting? Too, bad. Here’s a random poll anyway:
——————————————————————————————————————-
So, what’s the best excuse you have ever heard and/or used?
Misty's Laws 
Jan 18, 2012 @ 09:21:22
Her eye was leaking? Whoa…that’s scary.
I’m sorry to hear about your secretary.
Jan 18, 2012 @ 09:38:51
Oh Misty. It sounds like you’ve been through the wringer the last few days. I hope you get to feeling better soon! I’m glad Hubs is okay, and I’m very sorry for your loss. This is when I’d bring over a whole bunch of theater candy (from Walgreens, ftw – fuck paying for it at the theater!), some booze, and some eye candy movies. Get better, love!
Jan 20, 2012 @ 19:13:51
I am finally on the mend. Although I still feel a bit rough and now I sound like Kathleen Turner with all the froggy croaky voice thing. And damn, why can’t you live right down the street from me? All of that (especially the booze) would have made me feel a whole lot better!
Jan 18, 2012 @ 09:42:56
I haven’t had a really stupid excuse for not going to work; I’m not saying I’ve never played hooky, I’m just saying I’ve never had a dumb excuse for doing so. However, I once had an employee who claimed she couldn’t move because her fetus was positioned on her spine, rendering her temporarily paralyzed. She was only one month along in her pregnancy. That was just one of many wild stories she had during her short employment.
And, my condolences to you on the death of your secretary. And “piss poor” is a great description of the botched eye job. Not to be morbid, but that could have been fixed very easily with a little more glue and it would’ve spared everyone the horrifying (yet another good description) scene of the tear-wiping. How unfortunate this may be some people’s last memory of her.
Jan 20, 2012 @ 19:25:03
Wait, you mean she didn’t get employee of the month?
Yeah, that was my thought as well. It could have been fixed so easily and they just left her like that for people who knew and loved her to see her like that. It was truly horrifying.
Jan 18, 2012 @ 11:04:51
Funerals are always sad and strange. That doesn’t sound like it helped.
I don’t even have a lame excuse for being so remiss in my blogging and posting and writing comments on other people’s posts.
I am waiting for a new supply of Give-A-Fuck to be delivered, but I had it sent media mail so it could take weeks.
Jan 20, 2012 @ 19:27:42
Did you get a tracking number? Cuz I would check on that. It might be coming by the same mode as Jen sent me the chocolate bar. That shit took for-fucking-ever. I’m sure you’re gonna get your supply of give a fuck soon. At least I hope so, because I miss your posts!
Jan 18, 2012 @ 11:55:54
First of all I’m totally disturbed by the funeral you went to. TOTALLY DISTURBED. A few years back when my brother in law passed away they didn’t do something right and fluid kept dripping out the bottom of the coffin. IT WAS AWFUL. I’m sorry you’ve been sick and the hubby gave you a scare! On the plus side veggitating in front of the TV is my new favorite past time! Hope you feel better soon and I’m sorry for your loss.
Jan 20, 2012 @ 19:36:10
FLUID LEAKING FROM THE BOTTOM?? Yeah, that would be completely awful. Yeah, I think I’ve made it clear how I feel about the TV. And vegging is my favorite activity. Thanks!
Jan 18, 2012 @ 13:04:39
I found the frog pic many months ago and posted it on everything I owned– and then forgot about it. Oh how fucking perfectly amazing that you found it and reposted it to remind me how amazing it is.
Additionally, while i am proud of my blogging friends for standing up to protest SOPA– the reality is they are leaving me with NOTHING to do on net. Which I find heinous.
Jan 20, 2012 @ 19:41:56
Yeah, I’ve actually been saving it for a while to post when that’s what I was feeling. It seemed appropriate.
That was the most painful day ever with all the internet silence!! So glad that’s over.
Jan 18, 2012 @ 14:11:57
I’m sorry about your secretary – and that is a truly disturbing tale you told about the funeral.
Take all the time you need not giving a fuck, but don’t not take pictures of fashion disasters.
Jan 20, 2012 @ 19:44:50
I would have to be in that coffin myself (which will NEVER happen . . . ashes to ashes, baby!) to stop taking pictures of fashion disasters.
Jan 18, 2012 @ 14:19:55
They all sound like excellent excuses to me!
I’m really sorry to hear about your secretary – especially the eye leaking part. That is crazy they did such a horrible job with her. If I were her family I’d be throwing a fit. You’re right, nobody wants to remember a loved one that way.
Feel better soon lady! I know what it’s like to be sick and have to take a break from blogging. The most important thing is you get better!
Jan 20, 2012 @ 19:49:49
I am on the mend, thanks!
Jan 18, 2012 @ 14:58:09
First: I am very sorry to hear about your secretary, and your story is EXACTLY why they will cremate my sorry ass.
Secondly: It thrills me beyond all measure that you have now seen ‘Firefly’. You may now advance to the cool table in the cafeteria.
Third: I thank you for giving me the Internet ban protest as an excuse for my lack of bloggage today. You are the codependent wind beneath my wings.
Much love, my sistah.
Jan 20, 2012 @ 19:52:23
Yeah, cremation all the way, baby!
Oh, I thought watching Firefly made me a dork. Huh.
Jan 18, 2012 @ 15:07:42
Obviously heaven.
Obviously.
Jan 20, 2012 @ 19:53:33
Correctemundo, my friend!
Jan 18, 2012 @ 15:17:47
Regarding your poll options, you should have muthafucking New Zealand on there. Because we have a fuck tonne of sheep here. I would totally pick that.
Hope you feeling better x
Jan 20, 2012 @ 19:56:25
See, I’ve never been there, so I wasn’t aware of the sheep issues. I would have added that as an option if I knew. But it would have been wrong.
Thanks, I am getting better.
Jan 18, 2012 @ 15:44:52
Sorry to hear about your secretary. The weeping eye thing is horrid. As a teen, I went to the funeral of a distant relative who actually looked perfectly decent except the funeral home had done his hair wrong. We were standing in the viewing line when his widow saw him for the first time and shrieked, “They can’t bury him like that! He looks like a damn Church of God preacher,” then whipped a comb out of her purse and proceeded to do his hair. On his corpse. That memory will never leave me, I tell you. I’m with Jen, cremate the eff outta me so nobody has to do my hair, or my eyes.
I’m having some trouble with inspiration myself. I blame January, SOPA/PIPA and global warming. Where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?
Jan 20, 2012 @ 20:03:55
Oh yeah. Cremation is the only way to go. Burn my ass and then have a big ole party.
Oh, I think you know where we are all going.
Jan 18, 2012 @ 16:54:06
Sorry that everything is so poopy right now. If I could give you a long, uncomfortable hug while whispering “shhhhhh. Just hold still, you’ll like it.”, I would.
Jan 20, 2012 @ 20:05:11
Shudder.
Jan 18, 2012 @ 16:54:27
And, please, make sure I am cremated.
Jan 20, 2012 @ 20:05:40
You don’t mean right now, do you?
Jan 19, 2012 @ 00:25:24
That’s awful about your secretary.
One of the best excuses for missing a day of work I’ve heard is having to take a day to recover from the false fire alarm that went off in the apartment building. They had to evacuate and everything!
Jan 20, 2012 @ 20:06:48
Well, I can see how terrifying that would be. I would probably need at least a week to recover from all THAT.
Jan 19, 2012 @ 00:27:36
Wait, just remembered another that tops the false fire alarm – “liquid diarrhea” to which everyone has asked, what other kind of diarrhea is there? (shudder)
Jan 19, 2012 @ 03:15:20
I definitely want to be burnt. Or strewn. Thrown out into a field and then plowed around until there’s nothing left of me. That’s what I will demand be done should I ever become pornographically rich.
Jan 20, 2012 @ 20:13:00
Just make sure you leave all that porn cash to me, ok?
Jan 19, 2012 @ 10:08:32
Nothing makes me want to stop and look like someone telling me to stop because there is nothing to look at. There ALWAYS is, something to see–when someone says that. And true to form, there was plenty to see here. You had a super crappy week. Noteworthy for it’s crappiness, I would say–except for the part about Firefly and watching Football.
Jan 19, 2012 @ 10:09:23
Why did I capitalize football? Fuck if I know.
Jan 19, 2012 @ 17:00:51
That made me laugh…..
Jan 20, 2012 @ 20:17:42
I almost did that at first, as well. It just looked weird not capitalized, but there is no reason for it to be.
Jan 20, 2012 @ 20:16:52
Sorry to peak your interest. And yes, super crappy.
Jan 19, 2012 @ 17:00:23
God, I think you have some really good excuses. Death, Hubby in hospital, being sick? My excuses suck in comparison. The last time I couldn’t think up a good post, I blamed Christmas.
Jan 20, 2012 @ 20:21:11
Yeah, I guess they aren’t the worse excuses. Gotta admit that cat with hiccups isn’t the best though, right?
Yeah, Christmas. That bastard.
Jan 27, 2012 @ 21:29:31
I usually go with panic attacks. The sad part is its true and I can’t write in that state… depression yes, anxious no… damn bipolar bullshit.
As for work I did once call in with a case of the fukits. I’m not sure my boss actually heard what I said but I felt awesome about doing it.
Jan 31, 2012 @ 13:00:46
Yeah, pretty sure I’m dealing with some depressive issues right now. The problem is it doesn’t make me very creative. I can post, yep, but of what? Nobody wants to read about me just bitching about my life. I wouldn’t.
I think having a case of the fuckits is a totally valid excuse. Your boss probably heard you fine and just checked off that box.
Feb 13, 2012 @ 21:46:42
Weird. You spent 3/4 of your blog ranting about not caring… but then mentioned your secretary dying…
I’m curious, who was she to you?
Feb 14, 2012 @ 20:37:53
Well, to be fair, I don’t think I was “ranting” and I definitey was not “not caring.” My secretary was a sweet, kind and wonderful lady who worked with me for over 10 years. I miss her greatly. But if you have read any of my other posts, you will see this is a humor blog, so I was only commenting on the ridiculousness of the situation she was in, rather than wax philosophic and get emotional about her death. I already went through that in November for my Mother in Law, and was not intending to dredge up those emotions again. I was not trying to come off as calous and it is unfortunate if you interpretted it that way.
I hope that answers your question.