Weekly Whacked: Here You Go, Again!

Welcome, my friends, to the weekly whacked.  However, this is not an ordinary whacked.  Oh no.  This is actually your weekly whacked.  Or at least those of you who submitted your very own examples of douchebaggery that you have seen and captured around your own home towns.  You did this.  These are your pictures.  So, without further ado, here is what you did:

First off we have, as always, a stellar submission from Mandi of Atypically Relevant.

While I applaud this chic’s attempts to make her cause known, and an excellent cause it is, does she have to be so . . . demonstrative about it?  It’s kinda like one huge bumper sticker, and you all know how I feel about that, right?

Next is my sister wife, the yin to my yang, the Ice to my T, the Toddlers to my Tiaras . . . it’s Jen from Jen e sais quoi.  My homegirl spent an afternoon at the Portland Saturday Market, which is apparently ripe with the freaks, and saw some fine specimens of twatwaddledom.

What on earth?  Now, I know I have previously said that leggings aren’t pants and that people need to cover up their bits, but this might be taking it to the extreme.  It’s like she went into her closet and just put on . . . everything!  Maybe she’s planning for the apocalypse and is trying to fit her entire wardrobe right on her body.  Is she a Doomsday Preppers kinda gal?  Hmmmm.

http://www.gettingtognomeyou.com

Seriously?  What is this foolishness?  $16 to make myself a gnome?  Yeah, Imma go buy a nice bottle of wine instead, thanks.

The real game of Life, huh?  I like how it says Lonely, Lonely, Lonely, Lonely, Lonely Evening.  Like somehow it knows me or something?  Shut up stupid “real Life” game.  Pfft.

Ahhh!!  There they are . . . leggings as pants!  No.  Make it stop.  My eyes, my eyes!

Yes, this is in fact a grown woman, out in public, wearing head to toe rainbow clothing WITH RAINBOW WINGS!!!  She wins at life.  (I can just hear Jen saying, “yep, only in P-town, yo!”). 

More from Jen, not at the Portland Saturday Market . . .

OF CRS

Of Course . . . or Off Course?  Jen and I are wondering.  Guesses?

Where the hell was this fluffy shit when I was an undergrad, huh?  Damn.  This is real, by the way.  An actual class for credit at Jen’s school.  Hmmm, I wonder if part of the syllabus focuses on the Nathan Fillion episodes . . .

While I explained to Jen that this is soooo 2010, and that the hip and now shirts should have Peeta and Gale on them (gah, as if!), Jen informed me that:  “They’re a little behind here at the Hot Topic in Everett, Washington.”

And whilst you may believe that Jen is now targeting children with her camera phone, lest you worry, this is a “grown ass woman” who apparently is just stunted developmentally.  Or maybe the twee pink children’s fairy backpack is a valiant but unsuccessful effort to cover up the fully exposed back of her white bra.  But wait . . . there’s more:

Sparkly pink shoes to match the ensemble.  Of course!

These next submissions are from my pal and buddy and lover of Pop Tarts, Thoughtsy from Thoughts Appear.  Her submissions are all car related, as apparently that is the type of whackitude prevalent in her hood.

BLIND

We actually scoped out this bad boy together when we got together for lunch and shopping a few months ago.  In case you can’t make it out, it is a hearse with 3 zombie stickers on the rear of it and a license plate which says “blind.”  Gotta love a morbid sense of humor. 

The “Thundercats Car.”  Look at the emblem on the side and the license plate.  Seriously.  Someone owns and drives this vehicle with that on it.  Bizarro.

SHEGOAT

.

So . . . she’s a goat, who really likes to give blood and decorate her entire car with some sort of patchwork quilt drawings?  Sure.  Seems completely reasonable.  Why not.

Next up is my friend Red from Doesn’t Speak Klingon.  She went to Hershey Park and captured some pics of amusement park freaks . . .

Red describes this one as a Redneck Goth Chick.  Even goth rednecks like to go on the Super Dooper Looper, I guess.

Well, since we are obviously a society that just allows people to run around in their pajama pants out in public, I wouldn’t assume that bedroom slippers at the amusement park should be considered out of the norm, right?

Very bright and colorful Nike sneakers waiting in line for rides.  Albeit blocked a bit by fencing.  I just wonder what type of kaleidoscope of clothing this one had on to match those suckers!

As always, Jana from Shut the Front Door is in the mix with some crazy pics:

Girlfriend stumbled upon this in some abandoned building she was checking out for her job.  It begs the question . . . where is #2?

This is some disturbing shit right here.  This was also found in one of those abandoned properties.  Jana featured it on her site as well, but I felt it needed reposting.  Not only is it a highly bizarre painted and apparently used (Ewww!) mannequin . . . Jana actually donned some rubber gloves (hope she’s had her shots!) and shipped this thing to Mandi!  That’s right, Mandi (above) is now the proud owner of this piece of work.  Why, Mandi?  Why?

Next we have Jules from Go Guilty Pleasures, who captured just one picture, as she is new to this whole ninja photo thing.  But she’s trying, bless her heart:

She claims that the real life travesty of this individual is not quite captured in photographic evidence.  Or in her words:  “I don’t think the picture does the whole foot situation justice. Those are GOLD, WEDGE-heeled sandals — with white socks!!!”

This submission made it in the nick of time.  This is one of my blog stalkers, Sue Klopfenstein, who submitted these “on the road” pics:

This guy apparently just majorly scored at a big farm auction or something.  Can you see the white truck all the way in front of all this?  Yeah, quite the haul, dude. 

The obvious question here is “why do you need a gas pump in front of a Permanent Makeup Center?”  And while that is a valid question (Answer:  what do you think that stuff is made of?), my question is more along the lines of “how does one accomplish drive-thru services for Permanent Makeup application?”  The mind boggles.

Next we have a picture submitted by Michelle Cetlinski, in which she entitled it, “The Fuzzy Moto:”

Yes, apparently this was actually a motorcycle covered with furry tiger striped felt.  Nothing says manly power like a furry cat themed bike.  Me-rowr!!

In what might possibly be my favorite submission ever . . . I was sent a picture from Carrie of Cannibalistic Nerd fame.  She took this picture just for me, so I feel all warm and special, of course.  But what really sold it was the included commentary from her husband:

Tom:  “I just have one question, where did she get HER hair done, because that would weigh heavily on my decision as to whether to visit Great Clips.”  Carrie is 90% sure it is actually a woman.  Me?  I’m not so sure I would give it that high of a percentage.

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Well, that’s it folks.  Pretty good selection this time, I would say.  Think you can do better?  Seen some freaks and want to try to hunt them down and take their pics?  You can still send me any picture you take that you would like to be featured on a future Weekly Whacked.  I will once again be posting submitted pics sometime in the future, so keep those cameras handy and keep snap snap snapping away!!  Happy Hunting, y’all.  And may the odds be EV-AH in your FA-VAH.

Giving Sugar

This is gonna be a short one, folks.  Sorry about that . . .

Hey guys, remember this:

I’m thinking not, because even though I think it’s awesome, apparently nobody else did.  Well, a couple people, but honestly, the post where I offered this as a giveaway was one of my least commented upon posts in recent history, and definitely had the most paltry amount of comments for all of my giveaways.

So . . . I’m gonna announce the winner for this today.  And I’m hoping that person is really happy with it.  Especially since the odds were like 1 in 9 of winning it.

And for the first time ever, I used my 3 year old son for this pick, so you guys know this is really special.  (Seriously, y’all . . . he even put down his airplane to pick the name!!).

The winner is:

ANGI HARPER!!

Angi, send me your address at mistyslaws at gmail dot com and I will get this out to you.

Now, based on the diminishing interest in all things giveaway, I’m gonna take a break from all that for now.  I actually have a few items that I was going to include here for the next giveaway, but I’m thinking based on recent history, that you guys aren’t really interested.  It seemed fun at first, what with the limericks and poems and songs everyone posted, but now I feel as if you are tired of all that.  And I don’t wanna push something on you all if you aren’t really interested.  So, for now . . . giveaways suspended.

(Just read that again and realized how pouty and tantrumy and I’m-taking-my-toys-and-going-home that sounds.  That’s actually not my intention.  I just wanted to explain why there was no giveaway happening today.  Not trying to be a big ole baby.  Oops).

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On a fun and happy note . . . today is the last day to get all of your own personal pictures of those tragic specimens of whackitude to me.  I am posting that shiz this friday for the whacked, so send ‘em to me!  mistyslaws at gmail dot com.  Make me proud, people!!

My Super Dooper Looper Week

Last week was one hell of a roller coaster ride. It went up, it went down, it twisted all around, then it went down some more . . . wash, rinse, repeat. Let’s review, shall we:

MONDAY:

- Text from hubs “we need to talk.” Uh-oh. Never words you want to hear from someone you love. He was angry with me and we were gonna have a discussion later that evening. Oh boy. Climbing up up up . . .

- Driving home from work in traffic, I get distracted for a moment (something shiny I’m sure), and when I turn back to look at the road . . . car dead stopped about 6 inches in front of me. I slammed on the breaks, but could not stop in time and slammed into his ass. I am fine, he is fine, my car is fine, his bumper is hanging askew off of his car, but no other damage that I can see. We do the calling our insurance company to get our info dance, while sitting in our separate cars, after making sure each other is ok. We exchange info, I apologize for the bajillionty time, he is a super cool guy who actually says at one point after my 20 milliontyeth apology . . . “eh, shit happens.” Of course, being the super cynical and paranoid lawyer that I am, when I give him my email address and he says “oh, are you a lawyer?” my first thought it obviously I’M NOT RICH, DON’T SUE ME!! But he was only asking because he is in law school. Fingers crossed for no suing. We both drove off relatively unscathed and feeling pretty ok about the whole thing considering how much worse it could have been. Plummeting down down down (hands up and screaming!) . . .

- Later that night, massive fight with the hubs. That is all I will say about that. Bad night. Still plummeting and now twisting and turning and doing loopdy loops.

TUESDAY:

- Email to driver from accident to see if he is still ok, or if he has any mystery aches and pains, to once again apologize, and to just generally check in with him. He emails me back later that day saying that he was worried he might get whiplash (shit!), but woke up feeling fine and is still ok later in the day (phew!). Is once again completely cool about the whole thing and states: “All things considered, it was actually a pretty pleasant accident.” Going up up up again.

WEDNESDAY:

- Nothing much happened on Wednesday . . . I surprisingly didn’t have to be in court, I got to see a friend I had not seen in a bit when I went to my new Zumba classes . . . pretty tame day. Until the evening, when an incident occurred . . . which I would not discover until the next morning . . . . . . Just cresting the top of the incline.

THURSDAY:

- As I am pulling out of my driveway in the morning on my way to work, I see this:

Yep, that’s my mailbox. My mailbox with spray painted graffiti on it. I had been tagged. (the blurriness is my attempt to pixellate my address so as not to share my location with the world).

So, I take this picture, and then proceed to work, as I am currently running late. I figure that I will call the police when I get home that afternoon so I can be there personally to give a statement and file a report. I sent the picture off to the hubs to show him what happened (he was out of town that day) and he was the one that actually asked the question: “Does that say GAY?” And I believe that it does. So, not just vandalism, but possibly a hate crime?

The weird thing is that I live nowhere near the ghetto. I not only live in the suburbs, I could conceivably be described as living in the country, that’s how rural we are out here. There should not be graffiti artists tagging my mailbox.

I found out later that a few other mailboxes were targeted on my street, but those were actually hit with something, most likely trash cans, which tore one mailbox clear off. There were some other incidents in surrounding neighborhoods that evening as well. It was a regular crime spree of vandalism! Add to that the discovery that the replacement cost of the mailbox (which has to conform to all the other green metal mailboxes on the street) is in the hundreds of dollars! What the what?? Yeah, we are painting over that sucker, thank you. Plummeting down down down, twisting turning flipping . . . (Oh god, I might be sick!)

However . . . Thursday was also full of fun and happy occurrences. This was the day that I got to meet another blogger for lunch. This would be only my second meeting of anyone in the blogosphere, and I was pretty excited about it (despite the pall over the day from the mailbox incident).

Red from Doesn’t Speak Klingon is currently residing in Delaware. However, in a mere 2 weeks time, she will be moving back to her home state of Indiana. Since she is pending this big move, and also since she has lived in Delaware for an extended period of time, she has set out to visit places near her that she will miss when she is gone. My city just happened to be one of those places she had plans to visit. So, when I discovered that she was gonna practically be in my backyard, I invited her to meet me for lunch, if she was so inclined. Luckily for me, she was!

We went to a lovely little restaurant a couple blocks from my office. She enjoyed the beautiful weather by walking around for a bit before she met me there. When we met, she told me that I looked just like I sounded. ( :p to Jen and Johi . . . see? Not blonde!). We both ordered the Strawberry Basil Lemonade (yum!) and simultaneously also asked for a glass of water with our drinks. Look at that . . . we are like soulmates! (No offense Brett. I’m just saying . . . at least I’ve met her!). Then, because it’s the state law, I insisted that she order the crabcake. At least for the appetizer. It was quite good, if a bit high on the filler content. But it had a good taste and was a respectable crabcake for Red to experience before she heads to the midwest, the land of cows and corn (not with the crabs so much).

We commemorated the occasion by taking a picture of us at lunch:

Aren't we purdy?

Then she ran off for more fun and excitement in the big city and I ran off to get an iced latte before going back to work. Twisting turning loopdy loops, but in a fun, not gonna throw up, kinda way.

Then I left work and headed home. And when I arrived at my house, I found waiting for me an unexpected package. And inside of that package, I found this:

A personal note and 4 slap bracelets from the one and only, twice Freshly Pressed, Jules from Go Guilty Pleasures!! Woo-hoo. Jules had emailed me a few days prior and informed me she was sending these goodies my way, but with the week I was having, I completely forgot about it until I opened the package. Here is a better picture of the fantastic letter she wrote to me:

So full of awesome!!  Loopdy looping around and around and WEEEEEE!!!!

FRIDAY:

This day was relatively uneventful. Except later in the day when I read my friend Johi’s blog and found that she was having a rough time. So I ended up spending the better part of 2 hours that evening chatting with her, which was lovely for me and hopefully the same for her. I always love chatting with my Jo-Jo, so it was a nice night.

SATURDAY:

This was a great day! This was the day where my family and I participated in a Walk for MS event. It was a wonderful event and a great day.

It was a warm and sunny day. My hubs, myself and the kids, along with a few other family members, walked 5k for an excellent cause.

I organized our group because I though it would be a nice thing to do as a family, it would be an event that would be good for health reasons, and obviously a great cause to walk for.

My husband has a very close childhood friend who has MS.  He has had it since college, but just recently has started to deteriorate a bit.  He had his own team walking in the race and was able to walk the entire 5K, with assistance of a cane, for the first time in a few years.

There were also a few interesting characters at the event.  A guy we called “MS Man” was there:

Then there was this beauty queen who sang the National Anthem:

And a random dude who was walking around after the walk, performing magic tricks for the crowd:

A good time was had by all, all for a good cause.  I would say that ended the week on a good note.  And thus the roller coaster ride comes to an end . . . hopefully!

Convos with the Kiddos: Part Three

6:  Miranda Lambert sings like she looks and sounds like she talks.

Yeah, try to decipher that logic, would ya?

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6:  I wish I could sing as good as Gotye, because then I’d win thousands of dollars.  And it would be all from ME.

I like this whole, trying to earn money for the family thought process he has going on.  But I’m thinking he’s going to have to find a different way to win money.  Singing isn’t gonna do it, unfortunately.

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6:  I get to bring my art project home.

Me:  I can’t wait to see it.  What’s it of?

6:  Well, I was going to do a kid for me, but instead I did a queen . . . for you.

How flipping sweet is that kid?

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3:  (Looking at my wedding album) Is this you when you got married?

Me:  Yes, it is.

3:  I know why you got married.

Me:  Oh yeah, why?

3:  Cuz everyone thought you were a princess!

How did I somehow convince my kids that I am royalty, and how can I continue this obviously accurate opinion of me?

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3:  Babies don’t like daddies.

Me:  Why?

3:  Because they think they are dangerous.

Me:  Why do they think that?

3:  Because they do!

6:  Oooh, I know . . . because they are big and scary and have beards and mustaches.

3:  Babies only like mommies!  (big hug).

This coming from two boys who 9 out of 10 want to hang out with DADDY and have him put them to bed.  Huh.

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My 6 year old son has a girlfriend.  He has recently revealed this information to us.  He was looking at his class picture from this year . . .

6:  Look, girlfriend and boyfriend sitting together.  And that’s her 3rd boyfriend sitting beside me.

Me:  (Wait, what?)  She has 3 boyfriends?  (little whore!)

6:  Yeah, but I’m her first.

Me:  Do you have 3 girlfriends?

6:  No, just 2. 

Me:  (Oh, well that’s a relief!)  Who’s the other one?

6:  (Names a girl who lives across the street from us . . . a sixth grader!)

Me:  Does she know this?

6:  No.

Me:  Does (first girlfriend) know this?

6:  Um . . . no.

3:  YOU 2 ARE MARRIED!

6:  No, not yet.

Oh god, I’m not ready for wedding planning yet.  Can we wait until 5th grade, at least?  Thanks.

A bit later on, but following this convo . . .

6:  I really want to kiss her!

Me:  No kissing.  You are too young for kissing.  You can only hug her.

6:  But I kiss you!

Me:  You can kiss your parents . . . not your girlfriend.

In which I scar my son for life.  This is the moment I will look back on when he is 40 and still living in my basement.  Yikes!

Tag! You’re It.

Last week, Brett of The Transformed Non-Conformist tagged me in a post.  He was asked some questions and then tasked to pass those questions on for other bloggers to answer.  His answers to these questions were pretty hysterical, and I’m not sure I can quite reach up to that bar he set so high (I’m apparently pretty short, according to him), but I’m gonna give it a go.  So, here are some things you might not have ever wanted to know about me at all . . .

1. Book or movie and why? 

Book.  I have never once seen a movie (of which I have read the book) and found the movie to be better than the book.  I’m sure there are some out there, but I have not personally experienced it.  I am a pretty harsh critic when it comes to movies made from books.  I find myself constantly disappointed.  The only movie in recent memory that did not disappoint me was The Help.  I found it very true to the book and also the actors really brought it to life on the screen.  The Hunger Games was a recent disappointment.  Although, reverse that and I am fine.  I love so many movies of which I never read the book, or that I go back later to read it after seeing the movie.  I never seem to learn, though.  I read so many books, and it seems that there is always a movie adaptation at some point that I am just dying to see . . . usually only to be disappointed in the end.

 2. Real book or e-book?

Real.  I have an e-reader and never use it.  I like the feel of real books and since I usually read in the bath, I am always fearful I would drop the e-reader in the water and electrocute myself or something.  Plus, this means I haven’t been fleeced by Google over e-book prices.  So, huzzah!  I win.

3. Funniest thing you’ve done in the last 5 years?

Tough one.  According to some people, I’m not funny, so . . .

I think this post was probably my funniest.

4. Do you put yourself into the books you read/write or the movies you watch?

Um, no.  People do that?  I am no Katniss Everdeen.  But I do tend to put the characters in familiar homes or other settings when I am reading them.  Often times the main character’s house will be very reminiscent of my childhood home.

5. How would your best friend describe you?

What is this “best friend” of which you speak? 

I actually don’t have a best friend.  I have many people I am close to, but nobody I would consider “best.”  I have had 2 previously in my life, though, but neither of them are in my life anymore.  The first I grew up with since toddlerdom and eventually, during college, I extracted her from my life when I finally realized how poorly she treated me and what a non-friend she actually was.  If she were to describe me, it would probably be:  “who?”

The second was my maid of honor.  She filled the void of the first bestie a couple years after I booted her.  We were very close for a very long time, and people would continuously ask if we were sisters.  I loved her like one, as I never had one of my own.  She dropped me from her life when I steadfastly would not continue to blindly support the way her husband was treating her.  I stood by her when he was arrested for trolling for underage tail online (he was framed!), I stood by her as she stayed with him throughout his court proceedings and subsequent 18 month prison sentence.  I stood by her as she was planning her wedding to the felon while he was incarcerated and did a lot of the heavy lifting of wedding prep with her.  I stood by her (literally) at her wedding.  I stood by her having 2 babies with this loser.  What I couldn’t support was her insistance to stay with him after she found out that he was cheating on her again . . . with 2 women . . . over a 2 year period.  I couldn’t treat him like he was a decent human being any longer, and I couldn’t refrain from telling her that if she wouldn’t leave him (“I don’t want to divorce my best friend!”), then she was telling him that it was alright to treat her this way and should expect that he will do it again.  And he will do it again.  If she would describe me, it would probably contain the words:  “selfish, unsupportive bitch.”  C’est la vie.

6. Favorite kind of car and why? 

Either this:

Or this:

 Or this one:

7. Would your choice of party be a catered meal or barbecue out back?

Depends on the crowd.  Friends and family?  Barbecue out back.  Business associates you want to impress?  Catered meal.

8. What’s your favorite season and why?

Spring.  I get such spring fever when the weather breaks.  Although this year has been weird, what with the temps in the 70′s and 80′s in February and March!  Now it feels like spring, but it feels colder than before, so it is messing with my whole spring fever ideology. 

Can I change my answer?  Football season.  Go Ravens.  Caw Caw.

9. What specific lesson have you learned – Spiritual, educational, occupational?

Spiritually -I’ve learned I’m not a very spiritual person.

Educational -Do anything you can to NOT TAKE OUT SCHOOL LOANS.  Stripping is a valid option.  You will thank me later.

Occupational – That no matter where you work, there will be at least one insufferable asshole to deal with.  If you don’t have to deal with an asshole at your work . . . you are the asshole.

10. Besides writing, what’s your favorite thing to do when you get some extra time?

Sleep or watch TV.  I am a lazy bum at my core.  Luckily, life keeps me too busy to just lounge around the house all day napping and catching up on my shows.  I said luckily, right?  Yeah, let’s go with that.

11. What’s one place you can be found at least one time every week?

Dunkin Donuts drive-thru.  At least once a week.  Probably more like 4 times.  I’m addicted.  And I’m ok with that, thank you.

Well now friends, wasn’t that the most fun you’ve ever had in your entire life?  Yeah, I thought so.  You’re welcome.

So now I’m supposed to pick 11 other bloggers to tag and hope that they will also answer these questions about themselves.  Feel free to ignore the shit out of this, or just make it your own.  Here are the lucky chosen few who hold a special place in my heart.  (If I didn’t pick you, it’s obviously because I don’t love you enough.  You need to work harder for my affection!).

Jen e sais quoi

Confessions of a Cornfed Girl

Thoughts Appear

Hoody Hoo

Wag the Dad

Social Assassin

Lazy Subcultural Girl

Cannibalistic Nerd

The Authentic Life

The Cowardly Feminist

I’m Just a Girl & I’ve Had It Up to Here

Bowling for Dollars

The fam and I were away for a good part of last week.  My oldest was off school the entire week for Spring Break, so the hubs and I likewise decided to take the week off and go somewhere with the kiddies.  Well, most of the week.  My job is so hateful that I had not accrued enough days to take off a full week.  I could only take 4.67 days, and since I can’t round up, that translates to 4 days.  Which meant I had to come in for 1 day . . . Friday.  Gah. 

Anyway, so we vacillated back and forth between going up to New York City for a couple of days, or going down ‘e ocean, hon.  Our initial plan was to go to the mountains and take the kids skiing for the first time, but when we were planning our trip, it was around the time when it was in the 70′s and 80′s for many weeks and it just felt really wrong to go skiing.  Plus, we didn’t even know if they would have snow with the type of weather we had been having.  (Yes, I know they make snow, but if it’s 80* how long will that snow last, hmmm?).  So, our first plan was a non-starter, hence back-up plans B & C.  We were leaning towards NYC because the hubs had points to burn, both for the train up and the hotel, so we figured we could do it on the cheap.  That is until the hotel decided to be a big huge asshole about using the points and there was no way we could afford 3 nights at a midtown (I think?) hotel in NYC.  So, we ended up going with option C . . . going to Ocean City, MD. 

Now, this was also going to be very affordable, since it was off-season and we were only planning on doing a Sunday – Thursday stay.  The only problem was that being off-season, a lot of the normal summer time fun kid themed activities were closed.  There are two parks there with rides.  One does not open until Memorial Day (it is also a water park), and the other is open, but only on weekends.  I called to confirm this when I was planning the trip to see what would be open.  I was told by an actual person on the phone that the rides on the boardwalk would be open on the weekends only, beginning at noon (this will be important later).  So, I figured we could at least have one day of rides when we arrived on Sunday, which would hopefully appease the kiddies.  In my planning, I also ensured that the place we were staying had an indoor pool, and not only that, but an indoor skating rink.  Yep.  How cool is that?  Not only that, but I saw that there were mini-golf places open and I knew there were also movie theaters and bowling alleys for those days it would be too cold to do outdoor activities.  So, I figured there was plenty to do with the kids down there, even in the off-season and expecting the possibility of chilly non-beach type weather.  So, off we went . . .

When we arrived on Sunday afternoon, we settled in, unpacked, gave the kids lunch, and got my youngest down for a short nap, expecting to go down to the boardwalk later in the day and do rides and then dinner.  So, of course, we tell the kids that we are going to go on rides later and they get all excited.  (Anyone see where this is going?).  So, the little one gets up from his nap, we pack up the kids in the car and head on down to the boards for some fun.  When we get there, around 4:45, we notice that the rides, which have an indoor and outdoor part, are all closed up.  There are metal garage doors down over all the would be entrances.  So we walk all around thinking there is some sort of doorway somewhere that we are missing.  But we can not find any way to enter.  When we press our ears against the garage doors, we can actually hear the rides inside, with the carnival type music they play when they are in action (mocking us, no doubt).  But we cannot, for the life of us, find a way in.  We actually overheard a family in the parking lot talking about being glad they came down to get on the rides that day, so we knew that they had been open at some point.  That family was leaving however.  So, basically, it looked as if the information conveyed to me on the phone was incomplete.  While the lady told me the rides opened at noon, what she neglected to inform me was that apparently they were only open until around 4:00 (I’m guessing).  Well, you can guess the disappointment that was emanating off of the kids at this point.  NO RIDES?  BUT YOU PROMISED US RIDES!! 

But, in order to quickly prevent a massive breakdown, we immediately ran over to the huge arcade in close proximity to the (closed) rides, that was thankfully open, and proceeded to warp our kids brains entertain our children with mindless arcade games and skeeball/air hockey for the next 2 hours.  They were appeased.  And they got prizes, so that was a bonus.  Don’t think they forgot about the rides.  Nor that they weren’t going to completely hold that against us and spend the entire week asking, “when do we get to go on the rides?”  (The answer to that question by the way . . . Friday with their dad once they got home). 

.

So that started the week off on a pretty disappointing note as you might imagine.  But!  We still had an indoor pool and indoor skating rink to entertain the kids.  Plus, we were hoping that at least one of the days it was sort of nice (and not cold and rainy and windy like the first 2 days) so we could at least go out and play on the beach a bit, and hopefully do a bike riding morning on the boards.  Their dad did take them swimming but was less than impressed with the size of the pool and the eventual massive amount of kids filling said pool.  I took them ice skating, but that lasted about 20 minutes before they were completely and utterly done with all that nonsense.  So, we had to try to figure out some activities out and about that got my oldest away from his Wii, was not another arcade, and was entertaining and open during the off-season.

The first activity we picked was indoor mini-golf.  That was a whole load of fun.  The little one walked around in some sort of daze and could care less about the whole thing (until the end when we let him play games in the arcade part . . . are you sensing a theme to the vacation here?), my oldest enjoyed it, the hubs did pretty well, but I was sucking up the joint.  I felt like that Bubba and the Ooofenshmirtz guy on the last day of the Masters where they would have their balls just eek past the hole on what should have been a fairly easy shot.  Plus, we had the added bonus of this obnoxious family right behind us that kept trying to hit their balls when we were still playing down by the hole.  So many times I had to yell back to these teenaged boys that we weren’t finished yet.  The whole experience was just a bit too frustrating. 

The next day I found one other thing that was open, inside and that we could do as a family.  Bowling.  Curiously, the bowling alley was directly beside a law office, which just made me think maybe I was entering Stuckeybowl and I would be greeted by a quirky lawyer/bowling alley owner.  No such luck, unfortunately.  But, at least when we got there it was open bowl for the next hour until they shut down for league play.  So, not what we were hoping for, but it worked out fine because the little one probably wouldn’t have wanted to stay for much longer anyway.  Although, he did have more fun with bowling than mini golf.  Did I mention there was a dragon?  Yeah, he named him Bruce.  So that gave him something to play with/climb on.  For a 3 year old boy . . . that’s really all you need for entertainment.

My son and "Bruce."

And this is what I discovered about bowling . . . I am pretty damn good at it.  Bowling is one of those things that I rarely do.  In fact, it’s probably been about 2 years since I last bowled.  I was never a great bowler even on the few occasions that I would go with friends to rock and bowls as a teen or the occasional bowling outing with the family.  I have never been on a league.  But apparently, it is something like bike riding . . . you just never really forget how to do it.  And, the added bonus was this . . . the hubs sucks at bowling.  Na-na!  :p  (Did I mention he kicked my ass at mini-golf?  Yeah, we aren’t competitive at all!).

Here’s the thing . . . my mom used to bowl all the time.  For many years in my youth, she was on a league.  Every Thursday morning she would go to the bowling alley and bowl with her league.  As a kid, I spent many a Thursday in the alleys, watching her bowl, playing the arcade games, sometimes spending time in the kids’ playroom area.  My formative years pretty much revolve around hanging out in a bowling alley.  Plus, my mom actually signed me up for a kid’s league when I was maybe 5 or 6.  I remember it being fun, but short lived.  I must not have been the next prodigy or anything.  Either that or it was too expensive and my parents couldn’t afford to pay for me to do it anymore.  There was a lot of that in my youth.  Horseback riding was one of those too expensive to continue things, and I am sorely regretful of that.  But, anyway . . . back to bowling.

I feel like I missed my calling and blame my mother for not recognizing my bowling aptitude at a young age so that I could have had all these years to form my bowling skills into a fine tuned sword with which I would wield down those lanes and across my competitors throats.  I could have been a rich and famous bowler at this point in my life.  You know like . . . who’s that famous bowler?  You know the one . . . whatshisfacenamehere?  Yeah, whatever.  Instead, I am an unfamous and woefully broke lawyer.  This does not seem at all fair.  If I had a therapist, I would now have discovered one more thing to tell him/her about how my mom ruined my life.  Damn her.

So, basically what I’m saying is that I’m gonna finally live my dream.  I’ve found my calling, damnit, and that calling is to be . . . A PROFESSIONAL BOWLER!!  I mean, how can I deny this feeling deep within me that I really am a bowling savant and have never had the opportunity to prove myself?  I’m just like Beethoven . . . but older and with bowling shoes.  Ooh, I forgot about the shoes!  I love me some bowling shoes.  That is just the bonus, though.

Wish me luck.  I am off to find fame and fortune.  But first . . . I guess I should probably find the nearest bowling alley or something.  I’m sure there’s one around here somewhere, right?  I’m pretty confident that all those other bowlers will be mad impressed with my skills.  Especially when I tell them the score I got when I was merely bowling with my family, and frankly not even trying all that hard.  Seriously, who wouldn’t be impressed with a . . . 125!!  See?  Told ya.  Look out, bowling world.  I’m coming for you!

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On a completely unrelated note . . . I have just been informed that this is my 100th post!  Woo-hoo!!  Can’t believe I’ve kept up with this that long.  Yay, me!!

Weekly Whacked: Sell it, Baby!

Recently, I have run across quite a few whacked-style ads or items being sold to the unsuspecting public. I have documented some of them below.

I saw this in a coupon book a while back. I’m sorry, but are we as a society so obsessed with being skinny that people would think that the girl on the right actually looks better than the girl on the left? Also, when you lose a bunch of weight, does your hair also shrink up to some type of weird chopped off wig-looking mess? Because if so, I’ll stay chunky with nice hair, thanks!

So, I’m no prude or anything. Well, maybe a little . . . but I like a nice set of tatas as much as the next guy! This is the cover of a magazine that was prominently sitting right about eye level, or a little lower, in the Giant grocery store. Maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s a little racy to be just sitting out there where young kids will be able to see it. Ok, fine, maybe I am a prude!

I’m thinking I might have a clue as to why he got a divorce . . .

Saw these being sold at the register at H&M:

I was not previously aware that the H & M stood for Hookers and Madams. Hmmm . . .

Shopping in Kohl’s recently, I was stopped short by this display of teensy tinesy shorts. At first, I thought maybe they were for little kids and just in the wrong section. But no, I then realized I was in the Junior’s section. So I investigated closer . . .

Ahhhh. Of course!! These shorts are for itsy bitsy teenagers that want all their bits hanging out. It all makes perfect sense now. Moving on . . .

Saw these in the gift shop of the hotel I stayed at while in Atlantic City. Is it wrong that I kinda want the gun and martini one? I’ll pass on the skeleton and creepy bunny, though.

I’m sorry, but . . . why would anyone need to purchase a very obviously fake wrinkly handed arm? Is this something that I need to know about? Actually, nevermind. I think I’m better off without that knowledge.

Speaking of fake arms . . . I had always wondered where people bought these things. And I like how there is a plethora of choices as to which full arm tattoo sleeve you could purchase. Rock on, poseurs!!

This one . . . I don’t even know. Just wrong, is what it is. Wrong.

This isn’t an ad or item for sale. I actually bought this bowl for my secretary as a thank you for basically being the most awesome person on the planet (along with some other items, of course!). She brought it into my office to show me the bottom of it (which I had previously not noticed). They are super serious about those warnings, guys! Don’t even think about putting that thing in the oven/dishwasher/microwave!!! You have been warned.

And the Winner Is . . .

Well, it’s that time again.  Time to pick a winner of some awesome prizes.  These are the prizes in question:

And . . .

I received lots of responses from people that just had to have those bandages or really really wanted that magnet (unfortunately it is a small box of gum, not a magnet, so hopefully that won’t be too disappointing).  However, this was also amidst the time when my blog (ahem, WordPress, ahem) was being an asshole about accepting those less than worthy my awesome commenter’s comments.  I did say that if you sent me an email stating that issue, I would include you, and I have done just that.  So . . . Johi, Elizabeth, Fern and Dani . . . you are entered even though you couldn’t comment.  See how much I love y’all? 

Unfortunately, I was unable to enlist the services of my crack name picker, my number one son . . . 6.  He was already sound asleep by the time I got around to picking the name.  So, you will have to settle for me picking the name.  I promise I was fair and picked a name out of a hat.

Well, without further ado . . . I shall announce the winner of these fab prizes.

And the winner is:

It is Elizabeth from Flourish In Progress!!!  Yay, Liz!  Woo-hoo.  See?  Even though my site hates you, I obviously do not!  I will consider this compensation for all those times you tried to comment on my site in the last couple weeks and were denied.  The fact that you were even willing to set up an entirely new email account just so you could comment warmed the cockles of my cold dead heart.  You totally deserve these bandaids and some gum.  Really.  I’m a giver like that.

Send me your address so I can send you these goodies.  mistyslaws at gmail dot com.

Well, thus ends my stash of oddities purchased at ye olde Metro Retro all those long weeks ago.  I have gone through my stash of raffle gifts to give out from that funky little store.

But!  Don’t fret, my pretties.  It just so happens that I visited another store just this past week.  And in that store I found some more fun items that I shall raffle anew!  Huzzah.

There were lots of funny magnets there, but I chose one that I thought was the most awesome to give to one of you:

So, you know the rules . . . if you want this magnet for your very own (and who wouldn’t?), you must do one of these things:

1.  Follow my blog.

2.  Like me on Facebook.

3.  Leave a comment on this post.

I will once again pick a winner in a couple weeks time.  Hopefully my son will be conscious this time so he can perform his duties, per usual.  That way it takes all the heat off of me!

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Please note that this week is my kids’ spring break, so I will be away most of the week.  So, if I seem MIA in the blogosphere and I am unable to respond as quickly to your comments, etc. that is why.  (Damn kids and their “family time” requirements.  Pfft!).  I will return on Friday and will hopefully have time to jump back into the fray.  See you all then.