I’ve been struggling with a problem for years. There is a substance that I just cannot escape. I can’t go a day without it. Sometimes, I even need another hit in the afternoon. It is all consuming and I cannot hide this shameful secret any longer. I think I am finally ready to admit to my weakness . . . my unrelenting need . . . my addiction.
Hello. My name is Misty. And I am . . . a coffee-holic! *
It’s true. I am a slave to the allure of the caffeine deliciousness found within that sweet sweet elixir of ground and brewed drugginess. I want it. I need it. I cannot function without it. But, I am oddly ok with that.
Yeah, that right up there? Is totally me without my coffee in the morning. My poor family has discovered the perils of conversing with me in the AM prior to the occurence of my first cup of java being ingested. Even then, it’s probably safe to give me a little space and a bit of time for the caffeine to begin flowing through my veins. Really, for your own safety, it is a must.
Every single morning, I have a cup of coffee. Sometimes it is brewed in my very own coffee pot at home. Sometimes I stop at the Mecca of all coffee (no not Starbucks, pfft!), Dunkin Donuts, where I get myself a Caramel Iced Latte to start my day. Once I have consumed the delicious Juan Valdez kissed concoction of wakeyness that is my coffee/latte, then I feel safe to interact with other humans without fear of accidental murderings occurring.
I freely admit that I am addicted to the gods of caffeine. I cannot get through the day without at least one cup of coffee. I once, out of necessity and sheer extreme lateness, had to go an entire morning while dealing with court insanity, without any coffee. It was not pretty, people. That’s all I’ll say. I need that first cup of coffee and I need it immediately upon waking.
I used to be ok with just that one morning coffee to get me through the day. As long as I had that early morning caffeine infusion, I was good to go. But recently, I have found myself dragging in the PM, and more often than not, I need another java jolt to get me through the rest of my day.
The problem with this newfound resurgence requirement . . . well, it is shameful. I have a deep dark secret that I am finally going to reveal here to all of you. They say confession is good for the soul and all that crap, right? Alright then, I am going to unburden myself of this as of yet revealed secret shame and hope to be all joyously uplifted from the burden of this revelation. Please be kind and try not to judge.
My secret is . . . I can’t make coffee. Now, before you think I’m all lazy and just want other people to make coffee for me, nothing could be further from the truth. Ok, so maybe it’s a little close to the truth. I am in fact lazy. And I do love when someone else makes coffee for me. But the real issue is that I really want to be able to make my own coffee, but just do not have the skill. I regularly have to make coffee in the morning as my husband travels a lot. When he is home, he makes the coffee. He makes good coffee. When he is travelling, I make the coffee. I make horrible coffee. But it’s having coffee vs. not having coffee, so I make it and drink it anyway. Blech. No matter what combination of grounds to water I use, it always turns out . . . wrong somehow. Too weak, too bitter, too strong . . . always practically undrinkable. And sometimes I even get grounds IN the coffee, and I have no idea how that happens. It is like some sort of mental block or handicap that I have. (I am so ashamed!).
This also becomes a problem when I find myself in need of a resurgence of caffeine in the afternoon. We have a coffee pot in the office. I am also surrounded by no less than 3 coffee shops within a 2 block radius of my office. However, sometimes I am just too busy to run out to get coffee and I want a cup while I’m in the office. There is also the money factor. I can’t just keep spending $3-$4 every single day on coffee. I’ve done it. It gets really expensive, this habit of mine. Probably cheaper than crack, but maybe not by much.
What this leads me to is the need to ask my secretary, almost every day, to make coffee for me. And I am just not that type of person. I am not one of those bureaucratic assholes that makes his secretary wipe his ass for him. I am extremely self sufficient at my job, with my secretary only doing the most basic of word processing and docket prep duties for me. Luckily, she is rad as shit and doesn’t mind when I beg her to supply me with my drug. But I hate being that cliche attorney asking their secretary to make coffee for them. It is shameful, really.
In a previous life, I was a legal secretary. I know how it feels to have a demanding and unreasonable (usually lazy as balls) attorney as my boss. I once worked for one such example of douchenuggetry. He was such a massive waste of space and lazy piece of crap that he would call me on the intercom and tell me (not ask me, mind you) to go get him a soda. So, I would have to stop doing whatever work I was doing (work for him), to run down the hall, grab a soda, and bring it to him in his office, which was 3 FEET AWAY FROM MY DESK. It’s not like I was down the hall, or the refrigerator was under my desk. Even then . . . In fact, he was probably actually closer to the fridge than I was. But that was inconsequential. The important part is that I worked for him, and I was expected to do his bidding.
I vowed to never be that kind of boss that expects people to do basic things for me, things that I can do for my damn self. And I never have been . . . until now. I am now that boss that makes her secretary (although I do ask her super nicely) to make me coffee. Something that I damn well could do all on my own. I just really don’t wanna drink my shitty coffee. Nor do I want to subject the other coffee drinkers in the office to that brand of awfulness. It is just inhumane, is what it is. Really, I’m being selfless in my thoughts of others and protecting them from my horrible coffee making skills. Right?
Ok, fine. I’m completely selfish and I just want some good coffee. Is that so wrong?
What is your addiction? What item can you not get through the day without? Any secret shame from some basic task that you Just. Can’t. Do?
* No offense to any groups that meet for counseling or addiction management. This is all in jest, of course.