Weekly Whacked: Second Installment

Last week, I posted the first half of the submissions I received from all of you good people out there.  Here, we will follow-up with the remainder of those wonderful pictures:

First, we have the wonderful Mandi, of Atypically Relevant.  Mandi is always ready and willing to capture the odd and bizarre things she comes across with the click of a camera phone.  This gentleman is apparently very secure in his manhood.  So secure that he would drive around on a violently hot pink scooter.  Hopefully he is just borrowing his girlfriend’s moped for some type of emergency.  Otherwise . . .

Jules, of Go Jules Go, is very concerned about the plight of unfortunate children.  She is highly offended by this mom’s obviously callous representation of her one-legged child on her family sticker display.  For shame, mom.  For shame.

These next submission are from Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi.  I’m really not sure if this is a backpack that just completely blends in to the color theme of her shirt, or if it is just a shirt with a picture of a backpack on it.  That is how well camouflaged this thing is.  And paisley is always a valid option. If you are going to wear tight hipster type jeans, couldn’t you at least wear something lacy and pink underneath, so that the rest of the world doesn’t have to be subjected to your grey grannie BVDs?  Cool, thanks. I believe Val must have stumbled upon a set filming for an early 90′s hip hop video staring Bel Biv Devoe, and this is one of the background dancers.  Then again, she does live in Jersey, so maybe this is just a typical outfit for a Tuesday.  Who knows?

Next we have a submission from Queen Gen.  This one has given me nightmares.  Prepare yourselves, folks: In a stunning reversal of fortune, little Sally showed up to the cupcake shop on opposite day, in which cupcakes actually consume people.  Run away, Sally.  That’s not a hug that cupcake is about to give you!  Run run away!!

Next we have multiple submissions from my friend Jen e Sais Quoi.  She took this first one and sent it over to me, saying that she thought of me when she saw it.  Huh . . . wonder why that is? Her parking lot is chock full o’ personalized plates.  This one is kind of clever, though.  And is making me really hungry! We weren’t sure if this was supposed to be “Sing to God,”  “Sing too good” or “Sign to God.”  I think if the letters on your license plate have too many interpretations to figure out what you are trying to say, you are doing it wrong. Please note the juxtaposition of the fish on the plate under the “water.”  I’m wondering if that was unintentional brilliance, or if they guy just really felt bad for the poor fishy being out of water. Phew!  I was so hoping that I could find someone like this.  I mean, I am terrible at poetry, so when I need an on demand sonnet or haiku, it is good to know there is someone out there that I can give money to for the creation of such a masterpiece.

This one is from Cheryl Soler.  Cheryl describes this one as a much older lady, with a crew cut, who was also wearing spike heeled boots, which are not shown.  It’s weird, because until Cheryl told me she was there, I couldn’t even see her with all that camo!

And last but not least, is this gem, taken by Lisa at Insignificant at Best.  I don’t even know what the best part of this ensemble is.  The white mesh see-through shirt with the shredded tassels hanging down?  Or the tattoos you can see lining the muffin top protruding over her oh so tiny shorts?  Most probably it’s the rainbow socks worn with sandals that really bring this outfit together.  Bravo, Lisa.  This one is a true masterpiece!

The Schticky

I have young kids.  And I am pretty good at making sure that if they are watching television, it is either something kid friendly, or at least not the Kardashians or Real Housewives, where every other word is Bitch or Ass.  I’m not keen on my kids picking up new and colorful phrases from reality stars, thanks.  My oldest watches a couple shows with me in the evening when his little brother has gone to bed, but they are mostly things I have DVR’d for us to watch, like Restaurant Impossible, So You Think You Can Dance or Dancing with the Stars.  Mostly, those shows keep it clean.  Also, if they are shows I have recorded, it gives me the added opportunity to zip through the commercials so that 1) we don’t have to deal with that crap, and 2) he doesn’t see things that he wants me to buy for him.

Well, that all changed when we were watching a live program one evening and were subjected to porn in the form of an infomercial.  We were innocently watching some horse racing, as his dad is into that kind of thing, and really it was just kinda filler in the background, as there wasn’t anything else really on to watch.  So, just hanging out as a family, watching stats about the upcoming race scroll across the screen, when they cut to commercial.  And that is when all innocence was shattered.  We were introduced to Vince Offer, and his schticky:

The Schticky

Here are some of the images that probably scarred my poor seven year old child for life.  (See if you can guess which phrases were actually said in the commercial):

You can clean your home in a quicky, when you use your schticky.

My schticky is this big.

Who needs a man?  Use the schticky to feel yourself up!!

Problem with that shedding pussy?

Slippery when wet, schticky when dry.

Hey Vince!  Oh, you’re playing with your schticky.  I’m sorry.

Use schticky anytime, anyplace and with anyone.  (Especially with the stewardess in the airplane bathroom while your wife is sleeping).

You’re gonna like the little schticky . . .

. . . but you’re gonna LOVE the BIG SCHTICKY!

Big schticky, regular schticky and little schticky for one low price . . . gang bang, anyone??

No thank you, Vince.  I do not want to purchase your schticky.  And I would greatly appreciate it if you would keep your schticky safely tucked into the pay per program sex stations that my husband and I scroll through in the TV’s Guide and make fun of.  Quit waving your schticky around for young children to get a gander at, you pedophile.  Nobody wants to see it!  Don’t make me call Chris Hansen on your ass.

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Any suggestive or mildly pornographic commercials/infomercials you have been molested by lately?  Have you ever experienced Vince’s tiny schticky?  Was it good for you?

I Mustache You a Question . . .

. . . but I’ll shave it for later.

Recently I’ve noticed an all encompassing phenomenon that seems to have swept the nation. Not since bell bottoms were all the rage at Studio 54 has this trend been so societally accepted and even desirable. Wherever I turn, it seems that I am confronted with another example of how wonderful and sexy these examples of manliness and stud muffiness are. Although, it would seem that the last time these bushy beauties were so popular, they were represented on a certain TV detective from Hawaii.

I am of course talking about the glorious and regal . . . mustache.

The mustache is everywhere nowadays. It’s resurgence has come as somewhat of a surprise to me, because although it seems to be all the rage in websites and novelty items, not to mention iPhone cases, T-shirts and mugs . . .

.

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. . . I have yet to see this resurgence become evident on real life mens’ faces. (Except for gay porn, Freddie Mercury look-alike contests, or the occasional ironic hipster mustache). The goatee seems to still be the facial blanket of choice, along with the always classic full beard. But the mustache has not been evident as a current choice in manly lip fuzz since the 70′s and 80′s.

Alright, alright!

So I guess my question is this . . . what is up with all the mustache love?

Recently I came across a website called steeshes.com, which is all about men and their mustaches. It was a recommended blog on WordPress, so one of the powers that be must also have an appreciation for these fuzzy lip warmers as well.

Not only that, but my good friend Jules, of Go Jules Go, is absolutely enthralled by all things mustachio. Her profile pic is of her in a mustache, she talks about mustaches constantly, and she even had a recent contest featuring mustaches. Not that I don’t love her dearly, but what is up with all this mustache adoration, hmm?

So, not wanting to fall behind on this new trend, I’m thinking I’m going to have to jump on this bandwagon before I’m the last loser to get how awesome this stache-loving society actually is. Based on this now newfound love of all things mustache, I feel it is my duty to share this love with all of you.

Remember how I mentioned novelty items? It seems like every store I have visited lately had some sort of mustache themed item. Well, with this awakening of my new mustachio adoration, I finally decided to purchase one of those items. And I will share that item with you.

That’s right, it’s giveaway time again, bitches!! This here is the magical mustache merchandise:

Dare to wear facial hair!

It is all yours for the low low price of . . . oh, wait. I said giveaway, didn’t I? Ok, fine. This is what you have to do to win this glorious item: Tell me who your favorite mustached man is and the reason that he is your favorite.

I will once again have one of my chilluns pick a name from all of the submissions. I might even make them wear a mustache. Not sure if that will qualify as child abuse or not, so once I do a little research on the case law, I will make a legal determination on that.

So for now, I will bid you all adieu. You have your directive and know what you must do.

Weekly Whacked: First Submissions!

Once again, I have opened my home my blog to all of you good people out there, and had you all send me your very own submissions to be used for this week’s whacked.  And you did not disappoint.  Here they are:

Squirrel Car

The first of our submissions is from the very shutter happy and always eagle-eyed Jana of Shut the Front Door.  For this week’s whacked she has captured the always elusive, but frequently nutty Squirrel Car. 

BLK*GAL

I guess it’s good to let everyone know.  I mean, she’s proud to be a black girl!  Rock on, sistah.  Just be careful of the po-po.  You’re kinda making it easy on them to profile you, is all I’m saying.

Next we have a submission from my homegirl Becca, from I’m Pretty Sure That.  She caught this wonderful license plate, which is sort of unintentionally boastful about the driver’s sexual prowess:

C♥CKERS

Next is a shot taken on the move by Jaclyn of Nursery Rhymes and Curse Words.

I will let Jaclyn explain:  I think it would be less weird if the entire outfit was from an aerobics video in 1985, but the shoes and blazer with her hot pink, shiny lycra leggings was just about the oddest thing I’ve ever seen. 

And once again, children . . . leggings as pants = wrong.  I don’t care if you ARE in an 80′s work out video with Jane Fonda!!

Next we have Bill from The Authentic Life, who is always on the look out for scantily dressed menfolk to take pictures of.  To send to me, of course.  Only for that purpose, alone!

This was taken in Vegas, by the way.  So that makes a little more sense, right?

Next is Jayne of Ach du Lieber, Jayne.  She apparently happened upon some sort of biker rally (or maybe participated in?), and captured some truly exquisite sights:

 

Are bikers supposed to have faux hawks? Isn’t that a bit too un-hardcore?  Kinda the antithesis of the biker creed, no?

And then this gem:

Biker Barbie

And she was a good girl and made sure she waited to get the backside view as well:

Our next submission is from my good friend Red of Doesn’t Speak Klingon.  She happened upon these lovely items in a store near her newly relocated abode:

So, either she was in a some country and western type store that caters to rednecks, or was raiding Larry the Cable Guy’s closet.  Either way, there is some fine fashion in her area.

Red captured this one at a fair.  She was so fearful that this poor girl’s phone was gonna fall right out of her mesh see through pocket!!

I think this is the country fair version of matching jogging suits.  The couple coordinated with their black t-shirts, camo shorts and cowboy boots.  Awww, ain’t they just as cute as a sow’s ear? 

And following up on this look is Brett of The Transformed Nonconformist, who is Red’s boyfriend and was also at this same fair with her.  He captured this:

Yeah, wearing your cowboy boots with daisy dukes is really a look that never goes out of style, is it?  Hello?

Next is my good friend Leauxra of Does This Make My Blog Look Fat.  She captured some very interesting items:

That is some mad skill right there, y’all.  Just riding along on his unicycle, off to work or school or maybe his job as a stripper?  But that takes some major concentration to ride on that thing, I’m sure.  Too much to remember to wear a shirt, apparently.

I will freely admit that when Leauxra sent this to me, I totally didn’t get it.  Then she explained that Cthulhu is a character from one of H.P. Lovecraft’s stories.  I have not read much (any?) Lovecraft, so I was totally in the dark.  Apparently, he is the ultimate evil creature.  So there you go.  Now this makes perfect sense!! 

This next one is from my good friend Thoughtsy from Thoughts Appear.  She caught a pic of this sweet young thang just walking along in her best short, sparkly, off the shoulder dress, clunky heals and shiny turquoise purse:

The thing is . . . according to Thoughtsy, this was not a young thing at all, but a woman in her mid-60′s.  Rock on, slutty gramma!!

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I realized mid-way through doing this post that I have just too many submissions.  Yeah, I’m a really good planner like that.  Shut it.  So, what I am going to do is make this a 2-parter.  This will be our first installment of submitted pics, and next Friday I will post on the rest of the awesome submissions.  So Val, Jen, Mandi, Gen & Jules . . . I have not forsaken you or your fantastic submissions.  I will show them next week, I promise!

But what this also means is that you have more time!!  I will give everyone until next Wednesday, June 27th, to send me any other pics you might have or will take between now and then.  Get those cameras out and start snapping.  With this ridiculously hot weather we are having (at least in my area), there are some fine specimens of nearly clothed people.  Document that shiz and send it on over.  mistyslaws at gmail dot com.

Anatomy of a Day Off

This past friday I decided to take a day off from work.  I took a personal day because I needed to try to be a person for one day.  As opposed to an attorney dealing with the myriad of bullshit I wade through on a daily basis.  So, this is my run down of how to achieve the perfect day off:

STEP ONE:  SLEEP IN

This is a crucial first step.  You must start the day without an alarm blaring you awake into the cold cruel world.  This step is also enhanced by the fact that your kids are with their grandparents for the week, the hubs is still in Brazil and the au pair is in San Francisco, so there is nobody there to possibly wake you before, say . . . 9:00.

STEP TWO:  TAKE A BATH

See, once you wake from your comfortable slumber, you can’t just rush into action.  No, that is a rookie mistake.  You must face the world in a leisurely fashion.  You have a long day ahead of you.  You don’t wanna strain something so early-ish in your day!  Once you have brewed some coffee (we’ll call that step 1 & 1/2), you need to run a nice warm bubble bath, get yourself a book, and settle in for some relaxation.  This will be especially lovely as there will be nobody there to disturb you by barging in mid-bath, or by asking “how much longer do you think you’re gonna be?”  Please also refer to this step as:  HEAVEN.

STEP THREE:  GET A PEDICURE

This is also a crucial step, as it is currently sandal season, your poor toes are in desperate need of a new shellacking, and really, when else are you gonna have the chance to sit in a salon in the middle of the day watching TV and getting your legs messaged?

Once you enter and hear those fateful words . . . “Peek a Cah-lah” . . . you briefly consider getting this shade, in honor of your friend Darla over at She’s a Maineiac:

MAINE-IAC MAUVE

But decide that it is just a little too Mauve for your taste.  You end up going with an old favorite:

SENORITA ROSE-ALITA

Which is a bit more pinkish/reddish and matches the spring-like weather and your personal preference.  Once your color is “peeked,” you sit in a comfy massage chair with your tootsies soaking in warm water.  Ahhhhh. 

The TV is playing Days of Our Lives, which you marvel at the fact that since the last time you watched this show, oh about 15 years ago, none of the characters have changed or apparently even aged.  The girl doing your nails also remarks that since she started watching about that long ago, everything is the same.

Hello, Victor.

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Hey there! Pay attention to the feetsies, please.

Then, while your nails are being painted, you realize that Ellen is now on, which you never see because you are always at work, so you get a little excited, because Ellen is the bomb dot com!

.

Then you get a lot less excited when you hear that her guest is Russell Brand.  Blech.  What a douchecanoe!

But . . . you now have pretty toes at least . . . once they are done drying anyway:

STEP FOUR:  LUNCH (AKA GO TO COSTCO)

Since all you’ve consumed today was a cup of coffee in the AM, you are realizing that you are starting to get a mite bit hungry.  Which is good, because you also coincidentally need to go to Costco to pick up a bunch of jumbo sized items, and this is about the time where they start giving out samples, so you know that you will be fed.  Huzzah!

Once you arrive, the first food station you see offers some peanuts:

Ok, fine.  We’ll call that a starter snack to get your stomach prepped for the oncoming onslaught of tasty goodies in store for you.  No problem.  Nuts are good.

The next 2 food posts you encounter give you a cracker with cream cheese and some spicy salsa stuff on it, and a little cup of salad:

Wait.  Did someone call ahead and tell them I was on a diet?  Because this rabbit food will not do.  I’m gonna need some real stuff soon.  I don’t go to Costco to eat salad.  I could have made one of those at home, thank you.

Next item . . . yogurt:

Ok, seriously . . . what is with the damn diet foods?  There better be some pizza rolls or something soon or it’s not gonna be pretty.  Let’s see what’s next, shall we?

Cereal?  Are you kidding me?  Ok, shit’s about to get real up in he-ah.  I am about done with this crazy “good for you” crap.  I need real food.  Ok Costco, you get one more shot to get it right, or it’s going to get apocalyptic in about a minute.  Let’s see what the next station has to offer . . .

NOW we’re talking!!  That’s a pita pocketed cheeseburger.  Nom nom nom.

French Fries?  Oh hell yeah!  You should consider yourself lucky, Costco.  You just barely saved yourself with these items.  I will put the flamethrower back into my purse now.  You were this close though, you know that right? 

Next up was a continuation of more delectable food items:

Pulled pork.

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Naan with melted Provolone.

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Salmon . . . yummy!

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And for dessert . . . raspberry cream cheese pastry!

Then, you must pick up a treat for all your hard work shopping at this mega superstore . . . mixed fruit smoothie to wash all those treats down:

Then after all that hard work you have done during the day, you make your way home.  It is around this time that your husband should be home from his trip and waiting for you.  Which leads us to . . .

STEP FIVE:  PRESENTS!!

Obviously at this point, you deserve to be rewarded for all the hard work you have done all day.  And since your husband has been in Brazil and Argentina for a week, while you stayed home all by your lonesome and trudged through your days going to your hateful job (which refuses to fly you to any exotic locales, no matter how much you try to convince them that sending you to a conference in Paris will help you better serve the citizens of Baltimore!), of course, you will deserve some rewards.  And rewards you shall receive!!

.

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The thing on the upper left is a mask. Not sure what you are supposed to be doing with booze and a blindfold?

Ah yes, welcome home hubs.  Not only did he bring home treats from afar, mainly consisting of booze related products . . . he also returned with a new recipe for a drink, which he proceeded to whip up a batch of. 

Caipirinha. Yummy!

STEP SIX:  WATCH TIGHTROPE WALKING?

Yeah, so this part wasn’t exactly a planned activity, but we happened upon this special about this guy, a descendent of the Flying Walendas apparently, who was planning on walking across a tightrope wire strung across Niagara Falls.  We watched the proceeding special which showed his grandfather plummeting to his death in a similar attempt on a wire strung between two buildings in Puerto Rico many years ago.  We were somewhat intrigued.  And a little exited to see the possibility of a guy facing the same fate as his grandfather, not gonna lie.  Not sure what that says about us, but I think it’s best to leave that unexcavated for now.

So after all this build up, he starts his trek across the falls.  Which is the point where we notice that he is actually tethered to the rope!  At that point, it lost most of it’s thrill.  I mean, even if he falls, the only thing that will be hurt is his pride.  Not that I am in any way wishing for this guy to be harmed or die or anything, but when you build it up as this great feat that other members of his family perished while attempting, it just lessens the suspense factor when he is hooked in by a harness is all.  

Anyway, he made it across just fine, didn’t fall or anything, and I’m sure it was very difficult and quite the accomplishment for him.  Next time, though, I’ll probably watch something else. 

AND THUS ENDS THIS TUTORIAL ON HOW TO EXPERIENCE THE PERFECT DAY OFF.

What do YOU like to do on your day off to make it perfect?  Did I miss anything?

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Last call for your own weekly whacked pictures.  If you have them, send them on over to mistyslaws at gmail dot com by Wednesday.  If you haven’t taken any yet, what are you waiting for???  Get to snapping and send them to me so you can be prominently displayed on Friday for your talented ability to capture the absurd all around you. 

Also, if you are actually working on a portrait of me as I requested last week, just let me know.  I like to have that divine feeling of anticipation. 

Weekly Whack-up

Ok, so this post is sort of a cop-out.  It’s not going to be your normal crazy pictures of deranged mirror-deprived people post.  It has been an absolutely insane week, and I just don’t have the energy or brain power right now.  As you may have noticed, I didn’t even post on Wednesday, which is my norm.  I have been in court, and had trials pretty much all week, and I am just zapped.

What I will do is fill you in on some of the happenings from my own whacky world that have occurred this week.  Because, although I have been super busy with work and other stuff, that doesn’t mean I haven’t experienced some noteworthy blogworthy events.  And of course . . . with a few pictures.

I will start by saying that my husband has been away on a business trip since last Thursday.  He returns this afternoon, so don’t get any ideas you crazy stalkers!  Plus, my kids have been with their grandparents since Saturday, and do not return until this Sunday.  So I have been all by my lonesome all week!  Lest you think I’ve just been lounging around, watching TV and eating bon bons, nothing could be farther from the truth!!  I am a very busy lady with a packed full social calendar, thank you very much!  Actually, I have taken the opportunity, whilst my entire family is travelling the world without me, to do some things I cannot normally do while they are here.  You know, exciting things.  Like . . . go to a viewing after work.  Then go to the gym in the evening after that.  Go grocery shopping afterwards without worry of having to get home and feed anyone.  (All of that occurred Monday night).  Run errands all by myself on a Saturday afternoon.  I know you are jealous.  I am living the glamorous life.  I’m all Fergie-like and shit.

So, yeah . . . Monday was a full day of working, then going up north of the city to go to a viewing for one of my secretaries’ mother (sad . . . but she was very old and it wasn’t unexpected.  Still sad, though), then I stopped at a new gym on the way home (thinking of joining . . . not so sure), then going next store to Giant to grab some food for the week . . . for just me!!    Yeah, so I got home late on Monday and was pretty tired.

As I was driving through the city to get to the viewing, I got to drive through some really very Baltimore kind of areas.  The thing I love about this city is that it is made up of so many different types of neighborhoods, just haphazardly thrown together.  I know this is not unique to my city, but I love driving through certain areas where one minute you see this:

Run down and boarded up row houses.

And this:

Stoop sitting next to a vacant row house.

And then move on to this:

Tree lined street.

And this:

Beautifully upkept attached homes.

This is the city in which, depending on which direction you are coming from, in order to arrive at the best hospital in the entire nation, and one of the top 5 in the world (Johns Hopkins), you literally have to drive right through the center of the projects, which is merely a block away from the hospital.  Such incongruity.  But I love it.

So, that was Monday.  Moving on to Tuesday . . . Tuesday really started with a bang!  Well, not literally.  It was more like a fizzle.  You see I was all ready to actually leave my house on time for once on Tuesday morning.  I got in my car, pulled out of my driveway, and realized something was wrong.  I felt like I was leaning back a bit too far and the car just wasn’t driving quite right.  So, I turned around in the next available driveway, came back to my house, got out of the car and discovered . . . a flat tire.

Now, you would think that me being a modern day warrior woman, I would have no problem with a little old flat tire.  That I would grab that spare out of the trunk, get the jack, change that sucker and be off to work.  But sadly, no.  Tire changing is just one thing I never learned how to do.  I have always wanted to take some sort of basic automobile maintenance class, but have just never done it. 

So there I am . . . stranded in my driveway.  Due in court in an hour.  Way too far away from any service station to drive the car there.  Husband in Brazil.  Nobody around me.  So, I call my brother-in-law.  He is already at work, unfortunately, but he makes some calls and the next thing I know, his daughter is pulling into my driveway in her car, with her mom trailing behind, so that I can use her car for the day and get my ass to work.  I arrived a mere 45 minutes late and was able to be a productive member of my office that day.  And thank goodness for that, because otherwise, who would have dealt with the stupidity of my trial that day!

Bonus was that my brother-in-law got out of work early, drove to my house, changed my tire and then took it to the Tire shop where they took the NAIL out (yikes!) and patched it up.  Hmmm, a nail?  I’m wondering if I acquired that beauty somewhere along here the previous afternoon:

What was even better was the happy hour we went to after work that day!  The original plan was for me to meet my brother-in-law and sister-in-law at this mexican joint they frequent for happy hour after work.  In fact, when I called bright and early in the morning, my brother-in-law said he first thought I was calling to tell him I was looking forward to getting together that night.  And although I was looking forward to that . . . well, you know why I called.

So, we still decided to go to happy hour.  I seriously needed a drink after that day.  Did I mention it was pouring rain the whole day as well?  Yeah, fun times.  But, not only did I need a drink . . . I figured this would be the perfect way to pay them back for their help that day.  Drinks and apps on me, guys!!

What I didn’t realize is that I would meet the love of my life at this mexican bar.  I never expected it.  Things were going smoothly.  We were chatting, they ordered some apps along with their normal drinks, including one for me.  That would be a half price fish bowl margarita.  It was the size of 2 1/2 margaritas.  Aye carumba!

Yes, that is a gummy fish floating on top.

And then I saw him.  It wasn’t love at first sight, I’ll tell you that.  He was a normal looking sort.  I’ve seen the same type before.  And although attractive, he was nothing outstanding to look at. 

But that all changed once I delved deeper.  He made me feel all gooey and melty inside.  I realized that he wasn’t just another ordinary everyday cheesy guy.  No way.  He was bold.  He was rich.  He was a little spicy.  He was delicious.  I love him so!  And I will never feel the same for anyone or anything again.

His name is Queso.  We will run away together and have beautiful creamy and delicious babies!  I just can’t help myself.  I ache for his cheesy goodness.  I want him inside me over and over again.

It was a tough text to have to send to my husband, but I really felt he needed to know.  I mean, when a love is this strong, nothing else can compare.  He took it well.  I mean, we had a good run.  But he understands that I just Camembert to be apart from my new love. 

Oh, and did I mention that in this little mexican joint, we were in the presence of a celebrity?  Yep.  I got to meet a superstar:

It’s THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD!!  Although, I will say . . . he may be interesting.  But he’s also kind of a creeper.  Just stood there in the corner watching everybody all night.  It was a little freaky, I won’t lie.

Moving on to Wednesday . . . I actually got out of my driveway and drove all the way to work without any car incidents.  Huzzah!  Then . . . more trials.  Gah.  But that’s ok . . . because I had something to look forward to that night.  Dinner with Thoughtsy!! 

I was meeting Thoughtsy for dinner because her birthday is fast approaching and I wanted to give her a present I had picked up for her a couple weeks ago.  It was the perfect present for her and I knew she would love it.  So I couldn’t wait to give it to her.  (She did in fact love it, by the way.  So much so, that we might actually be engaged now.  I’m not sure.  There were a lot of “I love yous” thrown my way.  Oh, and you’ll have to go ask her what the gift was). 

And of course, as we were waiting for dinner to arrive, we decided to imbibe a few cocktails.  We both opted to try their Key Lime Pie Martini.

I will neither confirm nor deny that we each had 2 of them.  But I will confirm that they were super delicious!

I also learned a few tidbits about Thoughtsy that I am going to share with you right now.  A little peek into her world:

1. Her ears are not pierced.  So, if you are thinking of wooing her with jewelry, skip the earrings.  Diamond necklaces or rings are still fine, though.
2. She doesn’t like spicy food.  I forgive you.
3. Although she thinks she is no good at trivia, she will save your team by her knowledge of The Simpsons!  Although we still lost miserably.  Neither of us know presidents, math, golf or american flag trivia.  Boo.
4. She finds she has to buy many more breakfast food items now that she lives with 3 boys.  Protect the Pop-Tarts, Thoughtsy!!
5. She’s not a burger fan unless she makes it herself.  It was some sort of Burger special night.  Not that our clueless waitress informed us of that or anything.  Nor did she have a dessert menu.  Or a candle (sorry Thoughtsy, I tried!).

The only cool thing that happened on Thursday was that I got to see (and HEAR) the Blue Angels practicing some runs around my city, preparing for an upcoming event this weekend.  It was pretty cool, and there wasn’t a lot of work getting done Thursday afternoon because of it, let me tell you.

JUST caught them before they disappeared behind the building.

.

It’s the little V in the middle there.

Well, that’s about it.  Nothing for Thursday night.  It is my one day of just vegging after work before the hubs comes home.  (I had plans to go to dinner with a friend but they fell through).  Plus, I am taking a personal day on Friday to run around and do some more errand type things, along with trying to clean out some things in my house before my boys return on Father’s Day.

Happy weekend everyone!!  And Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there.  Especially to both my own dad and to my hubs, the dad to my boys.  Love you!

Abercrombie & Hootch

A little while back I found myself in the mall. Now, if you know anything about me, you will know how much I detest going to the mall. I hate shopping with a passion, and being around a large number of people makes me twitchy. But alas, at times it is a necessity. There is also the added bonus of sometimes seeing a plethora of unfortunates that I can shoot for an upcoming Whacked post. This was just such a time.

As I was in mall hell, seeing these lovelies, I decided to share this experience with my friend Jen:

Me: Ah, the mall. The whacked’s motherland . . .

Jen: I demand photos for my viewing pleasure!

Me: Fine. Here . . .

And with those two pictures, we started what ended up being an all day epic conversation that just might change retail as we know it today . . .

Jen: Where are you? Outside ‘Abercrombie & Hootch’?

Me: Nope. H&M . . . Hookers & Morons. Or . . . Whorister.

Jen: Or . . . Forver 69.

Me: The Clap.

Jen: White House/Black Market Prostitute.

Me: Sears & Hobucks.

Jen: Then maybe lunch at Jackoff in The Box?

Me: Dessert at Coldstone CreamYourPants?

Jen: Then shopping for the teens at American Spreadeagle Outfitters?

Me: Nice.

Jen: We are a couple of klassy bitches, babe.

Me: You want klassy? How about we go to Jizzboree.

Jen: That was magical. ((slow-clap)).

(I live for Jen’s slow claps, y’all!)

Me: The Sharper Himbo.

Jen: Ooh! The Jizz-ney Store!

Me: Michael Whores.

Jen: Calvin Chlamydia.

Me: Old Nooner.

Jen: Vera Wang . . . the joke just writes itself.

Me: True dat.

Jen: K.Y. Mart.

Me: Homoerotic Depot.

Jen: J. Screw.

Me: T.J. Sexx.

Jen: Michael’s Tarts & Cracks.

Me: Bath & Hottie Works.

Jen: Victoria’s Secretions.

Me: Um, ewww.

Jen: You’re welcome.

Me: Linens & Thongs.

Jen: Men’s Whorehouse.

Me: Expricks.

Jen: Ha! My first job after college was managing an Expricks!

Me: Fellatio Shack.

Jen: Whores R Us.

Me: Jerkoffice Depot.

Jen: 69 West.

Me: Waltart.

Jen: Hole Foods.

Me: Auntie Handjob’s Pretzels.

Jen: Office Deep-Ho.

Me: Beefcake Factory.

Jen: Ballsacks 5th Avenue.

Me: Wockenpussy.

Jen: Syph-Whore-A.

Me: Easy Spankit.

Jen: Build A Bare-Ass.

Me: Grabme & Evelyn.

Jen: That was rad.

Me: Pearl Necklace Vision.

Jen: Oh my God . . . that was epic. I bow down to your porn glory.

Me: One more and then I’m crashing for the night . . . Kay Jizzlers.

Jen: Good night. And I leave you with: The Lesbo (Lego) Store.

Me: Ha! Ok, I lied . . . this is it, though: L.L. Peen. Thank you and goodnight!

Weekly Whacked: Celebrate Good Times, COME ON!

There is some very exciting news that has emerged that I feel we must take the time to celebrate today, right here on the day of the Whacked. 

According to Travel and Leisure magazine, my own little piece of heaven on earth, i.e. the city I stalk people work in every day, has been ranked THIRD for worst dressed city in all of the U.S.  THIRD.  Of all of the cities in the entire country.  Do you know how many cities there are?  Tons.  I mean, I don’t know exactly how many.  What am I, some geography geek?  But there has to be, what, like at least a hundred, right? 

And this city right here is the third worst dressed.  Woo-hoo!!

Now, you might wonder, “Misty, why would you be so excited about this info?  Isn’t this kind of a bad thing?  Aren’t you embarrassed for your city?”  And to this I would reply:  “Hey hey hey . . . who said you can call me by my first name, asshole??  We aren’t down like that!  It’s Mrs. Laws to you, bubs!  Jeesh.”

But then I would explain that although this might seem like a black mark on the face of this fine city, it is fantastic for this blog.  Because unless I’m planning on moving to Anchorage, Alaska (too damn cold and Palin-y), or Salt Lake City, Utah (too mormon-y), then I am in a prime location to document these tragedies of fashion and poor unfortunate people who obviously do not own mirrors.  I mean, where else will you get this:

Baltimore, people.  That is purely Baltimore.  This is the city where people dress like this on a daily basis.  WITH NO SHAME.  That’s what I love about this freakin’ city, y’all.  Not just the wacky clothing, but the bravado that is displayed upon the wearing of said garments.  The “uhm-hmm, I know I’s looks good!” attitude.  It is divine.  And just so very B-more!

Fashion.  That’s what this is.  Third place fashion here.  She shouldn’t be walking the streets of Baltimore . . . she should be on the runways in Milan.  The rest of the world has yet to realize the fashion forward thinking that this city has to offer. 

So, the rest of you may have your Golden Gate Bridge, your Empire State Building, your beaches, your casinos, your fashionably dressed residents.  You can keep it.  I’ll stick to this city and it’s crazy, ridiculous, whackiness, thank you very much!! 

There’s no place like home!

——————————————————————————————————————-

Ok, now is the time where I make a few pleas to all of you.  A few of you have been sending me some really great pics of whacky stuff you have seen in your own non-third place towns (nah-nah!).  And although, as far as I know, none of you live in Alaska or Utah, there are still some fine specimens that you have captured.  I greatly appreciate it, and enjoy every email I receive filled with crazy whacky pics.

BUT I NEED MORE!!  That’s right, it is time once again for the collection of your very own whacked pics that I will display like a proud mom displays her kids artwork on her fridge blog!  So, make me proud, kiddies!  Start snapping away at all those freaks.  Try to remember to bring your camera with you.  Keep your phone set to the camera setting.  Whatever you need to do to be prepared when that fine specimen of whackitude crosses your path.  Be ready, start shooting, and send them to me!

I will need them by Wednesday, June 20th and will plan to have them in that week’s Friday Whacked post. 

mistyslaws@gmail.com  Please note the S in the middle there.  I have had some confusion in the past when people have forgotten to add that middle S and I have not received their pics in a timely manner.  The S is important, people.  Don’t throw it away like Mash’s.  Keep that sucker in there.  Mmmmm, salty.

—————————————————————————————————————-

Plea #2:

Ok, this is a strange one, but I’m gonna throw it out there anyway . . .

I am in need of some artistic help.  I have this vision in my mind of what I want, but cannot get it from my mind onto paper.  I am not very artistic when it comes to creating things out of whole cloth.  Give me a bowl of fruit or something stationary to look at, and I can draw that sucker like crazy, but I can’t imagine it and then draw it.

I’ve mentioned before I’m going to BlogHer, and apparently you need to have business cards to pass out while there.  I’m trying to get an image (that isn’t my feet, because that’s not really what my blog is about), to put on the card that is really . . . ME.

I also would love to have something to put on the top of the blog itself.  For a while I have had this thought in my head as to what exactly it should look like.  I’m thinking a play on Lady Justice.  She looks like this:

But I’m thinking instead of the scales, I would be holding a camera phone, and instead of the sword . . . a glass of wine.  Plus, I would want one side of the blindfold to be up so it looks like I’m peeking out, obviously looking at some target of my ninja photo skills.  This is what I came up with:

See?  Told ya.  Pretty bad.  But you get the idea.  A very rough idea.  Plus, I was just sketching and it was with pen, so it wasn’t gonna be good anyway. 

I actually sent this off to my friend Jen after I sketched it, with a message of “I so need someone more talented to draw something for me.”  I was really just sharing, not asking for her to do anything, but the response I got was this:  “After my meeting is over, I’m on it!”

Wait . . . what?  Jen’s gonna draw me a picture?  Oh, I couldn’t wait to see this. 

And a few hours later, she sent me this:

How ridiculously rad is that??  I had no idea she had this kind of hidden talent.  She’s like a damn onion, that Jen.  Layers.  So many layers.

And of course, while I think this is the coolest thing anyone has probably ever done for me (I am truly not being hyperbolic here.  Seriously), and I love this picture so much I’m having her send me the original so I can hang it on my wall (It will go on the shrine with the rest of my most awesome things, like the pictures of Johnny Depp I tore out of Tiger Beat, le sigh), I now want to see what you can do!

So, I’m gonna make this a contest.  I want you to draw something like this.  You have up there the guidelines and a rough idea of what I want (i.e. my awful sketch.  Don’t copy Jen’s original awesomeness, you damn plagiarists!).  But other than that, you can make it your own.  Do a pencil sketch, do it in pen, marker, paint . . . any  medium you want.  Or, you can do a computer generated/drawn picture.  Like a bearman cartoon comic type thing.  (oh my god, how awesome would that be?  If he actually drew me.  Not gonna happen, but would still be rad!).

I know there are many of you out there with lots more talent than I, so if you are feeling creative and wanna help a sistah out, let me see what you can do!

I will pick a winner and put it on the top of my blog, giving you full credit of course.  Plus, it will go on my business cards I pass out at BlogHer, so even if you are not going to New York this year, a little piece of you will be there!

I will also award some as of yet undetermined prize to the winner.  Cool?  Ok, get to drawing then!! 

Send the drawings to mistyslaws@gmail.com

Thanks everyone!  I love you all, and can’t wait to see what you come up with. 

And the Golden Globe Goes To . . .

Ok, fine.  It’s not a Golden Globe.  It’s not even a People’s Choice Award.  But it is time to reveal the winners of not one, but two . . . two . . . two mints in one!!  Um, I mean two prizes.  I’m not giving anybody mints.  Not this time anyway.

Our first prize was a pick your own adventure type giveaway.  The choice was this:

This super radical and totally bodacious 80′s flashback iPhone case, or . . .

. . . this equally as rad, but non-throwback Pad of Awesomeness.

So, whoever won got to pick their prize.  And I guess now you are wondering who the lucky winner is, yes?  Well, thankfully, I once again had my trusty steed boy to help pick the winner for this prize.  Take it away 6!!

And the winner is . . . . (drumroll):

THOUGHTSY!!!

Yep, that’s right.  It’s mah girl, Thoughtsy!!  And lest you think there is some kinda home cooking action here, I had absolutely nothing to do with it!  Blame it all on the wee tot whom I ejected from my loins.

Now, I know that Thoughtsy doesn’t have an iPhone, so I’m assuming she would pick the Pad.  However, maybe she’s in a giving mood, and wants the totally awesome case to give to some deserving sort (Keifer?).  The point is, it’s her choice and she will just have to let me know which one she wants.  IT’S UP TO YOU, THOUGHTSY!!

But wait!  That leaves whichever prize Thoughtsy doesn’t pick just sitting there, all lonely and last picked on the playground for dodgeball sad.  So, in order to cheer up this morose little prize, I decided that I would give that away too!  So, I enlisted the help of 6 once again, and he picked another winner for the runner up prize:

And the 1st runner up is . . . (don’t you love how they try to make it sound all special by calling it “1st runner up” when really it is just second place or Ms. Soooo Close?  Sorry . . . tangent):

JULES!!!!

Woo-hoo!  Go Jules Go!  Ahem . . . anyway.  Jules, you will have to wait to see what Thoughtsy picks, and then you get the leftovers the other equally as fantastic prize.  And I know you DO have an iPhone, so hopefully you will enjoy either one.  (I mean, it’s no mustache case, but then again, what is?).  Or you and Thoughtsy can just fight it out in an epic cage match to the death and whoever survives gets the prize!  I mean, you know, whatever works for y’all.

But wait . . . there’s more!  Call right now and you will get TWO items for the price of ONE!! 

Um, I mean . . . I am also going to reveal the winner of the Bloggess sticker as well! 

Signed by The Goddess herself!

For this task, I had my wee child of 4 draw the name from a hat:

And yes, in case you are wondering, he is a pirate.  Jake and the Neverland pirates to be exact.  What?  Did you think I was getting amateurs to do this most prestigious and important work?  Pfft!

Anyway, without any further ado (well, maybe a little ado.  You know how I love ado.  Much much ado.  About nothing usually).  Ahem, anyway . . . the winner of the Bloggess sticker is:

JILLIAN!!

Go girl, it’s ya birthday!!  Congrats to Jillian!  Just send me all your deets chica, and I will send you this fantastic prize.  mistyslaws@gmail.com.

Phew!  Man, I’m starting to feel like Bill Gates over here, just throwing out stuff to the less fortunate beggars who want just a little bit of my money awesomeness!!  Kidding!  But don’t I wish I had even a small part of his fortune.  If I did, I truly would hook y’all up with some cash.  Until then, you will just have to settle for basking in my gloriousness.  Deal?  Hey wait . . . where are you going?

Better Than a Glowing Stripper Leg Lamp!

It’s that time again, guys. It’s Award time! I’ve received 2 very prestigious awards from fellow bloggers in the last couple weeks. And it’s my job to pass these on to some other peeps out there in the blogosphere.

The first award I received is the most unique of all awards out there. It was actually created by Leauxra from Does This Make My Blog Look Fat? She is not only a hysterical blogger, a fantastic writer and a lover of the outdoors, but she is a true and talented art-eest! She not only created this award, but drew the picture representing it, which is quite spectacular. Freakishly scary as all get out, but amazing:

How ridiculously awesome but mind-rapingly terrifying is that thing?

As with all awards, this one comes with rules. Here they are:

1. Link back to the person who tagged you. Say what you will. It doesn’t have to be nice. Just know that I will find you. (Done!)

2. Run like hell and hope that that crazy bitch who is following you doesn’t saute your tongue in a butter and garlic sauce.

Wait wait. That isn’t right. That should read, “that crazy bitch that ‘joined’ you in Google Friend Connect.”

Or circled you… or whatever the hell these crazy kids do these days.

Aw, fuck it.

Run.

3. Nominate some OTHER bloggers and ensure that they will never sleep again.

Ok, so if you’ve ever made a comment on my blog, you are hereby nominated..  Lest you think you are being punished  for being a loyal follower of my blog, if you do not want to accept, feel free to ignore this.  But if you think this is pretty cool and wanna get it and pass it on . . . do it.

The next award I received was from Jayne at Ach du Lieber, Jayne!

The Kreativ Blogger Award.  Jayne thinks I’m Kreativ!  Which is high praise indeed coming from a woman who created her own Achtionary in the A to Z challenge, making up new words every day to match the specific letter for that day.  Now THAT’S Kreativ!

So, thanks so much, Jayne!

Ok, so here are the rules:

1. Thank and link back to the person who presented you with the award.  Yep, see above.
2. Answer the ten questions below.
3. Share ten random facts/thoughts about yourself.
4. Nominate seven worthy blogs for the Kreativ Blogger Award.
    

Y’all are always asking me questions.  It’s as if you actually want to know about me, or something.  How can I remain a cranky recluse if I have to keep sharing stuff about myself?  Sigh.  Ok, fine.

What is your favorite song?
This is tough.  I am a lover of a myriad of musical styles and artists, and I’m also pretty old, so I have had many favorites over the numerous years I have been on this earth.  But if I have to peg it down, I’ll go with an old standard . . . Release by Pearl Jam.  It holds a special place in my heart.

What is your favorite dessert?
Also tough.  I love so many desserts.  Probably really good Key Lime Pie (like from The Blonde Giraffe in Key West . . . best key lime pie ever!!).  Either that or maybe an old classic . . . warm Apple Pie a la Mode with vanilla bean ice cream.  Yum.  

What ticks you off?
Can I just say everything and leave it at that.  I’m pretty cranky and most things get on my nerves.  At heart, I think I’m a grumpy old 75 year old man.

When you’re upset, what do you do?
Depends on the situation and setting.  If I’m upset at work, I usually either vent with my colleagues or wait to talk to the hubs when I get home.  If I’m upset with the kids, I try not to yell and find a quiet moment to myself to calm down.  If I’m upset at some douchetastic waste of space motorist, I usually find creative and very vocal ways of expressing my absolute and utter disdain at their existence.   Anything else, I just blog about it.

Which is/was your favorite pet?
They say you never forget your first . . . my first dog was a super sweet collie/lab mix.  She was beautiful and precious and loving and full of life.  There are pictures of me as a child using her belly as a pillow for my head.  It crushed me when I came home from college on break and found out my parents had had her put down.  I mean, she was very old, could hardly walk or see anymore, and it was time.  But I loved her so, and had wanted the chance to say goodbye.  It hurt my heart to know that I would never get to pet her or hug her again.  She was the sweetest thing and I still miss her.

Which do you prefer to wear, black or white?

Black.  At all times.  Black suits, black shoes, black shirts, black dresses.  Everything I own is pretty much black, with some splashes of color here and there.  I hardly ever wear white! 

 What is your biggest fear?

I think my biggest fear is also what most parents fear . . . something horrible happening to my kids.  That is what I’m most fearful of, because obviously I have no control over it, but it would destroy me.  They are where my heart resides. 

 

What is your attitude mostly?

Please see above re: cranky old man. Also, I often tell people that my default setting is SNARK.

 

What is perfection?
Hmm, that is tough.  And this is probably going to sound awful, but probably when my kids are away with their grandparents, and I get a morning to sleep in, then take a nice long bath while reading a book uninterupted, and get to relax for an entire day with no chores.  Yep, mom of the year, right here  <——— 

 

What is your guilty pleasure?
Well, probably watching TV.  There are so many more productive things that I should be doing, but most likely I’d rather be vegging out watching something I’ve DVR’d. 

 

Ok, now’s when I have to come up with some random crap about myself to tell you.  Here goes . . .

Ten random things about me:
1.  I am mostly deaf in my left ear. 
2.  I have had piano lessons as a small child and also played the clarinet in my high school band.  I played neither instrument well. 
3. I’ve had my belly button pierced and 3 holes punched in my ears.  Only 2 holes remain open and in use.  (Why does that sound so dirty?)
4.  My youngest child’s middle name was named after my father. My oldest’s middle name is from my husband’s grandfather. 
5. My great grandfather was a preacher.  So I am descended from a holy man.  That holiness was diluted quite a bit once it got to me, obviously! 
6. My favorite sports team is the Baltimore Ravens. 
7. My first blog post ever was about a foot fetishist. 
8. I was trained and certified as a lifeguard as a teenager. I never actually worked as a lifeguard. 
9. I have really high arches on my feet. 
10.  When I asked my son to tell me a random fact about me, he responded, “I love you, and you’re fun to play with.”  So there you go.

Ok, so now I’m gonna pick some bloggers to pass this on to.  I’m going to pick a couple of my most recent and most hysterical finds on the blogosphere, and then a few who I think really deserve the shout out, because they are ridiculously awesome and need the attention:

Bluzdude from Darwinfish2.  Bluz is a fellow Marylander and loves going to ball games and getting himself on TV.  So really, he’s a famous television star.  You should definitely check him out. 

Darla of She’s a Mainiac doesn’t need me to promote her, and has probably received this award before, being a famous Freshly Pressed blogger and all.  But I just started reading her and find her writing both hilarious and poignant. Plus, she can write the hell out of a short story. If you haven’t discovered her yet, get on that!

Jules of Go Guilty Pleasures is mah girl.  She is adorable, she rocks a side pony like nobody’s bizness, and her stalking conversing skills with her future second husband (Darren Criss) are amazing!  Plus, she has also been Freshly Pressed, so you would be in the presence of greatness, again! 

Lauren is just the most adorable goofball you will ever meet.  She talks about her recent triumph in getting her boyfriend of many years to finally make her an honest woman over at Filing Jointly . . . Finally.  Oh, and cheese.  She talks a lot about cheese.  And monkeys.  Yeah, like I said, she’s a little bit wacky, but in a totally adorable way.  I kinda just wanna carry her around in my pocket all day, she is so cute.  But I won’t.  Because that kind of thing is probably illegal.

Red is 1 of only 2 bloggers that I have ever met.  And she blogs over at Doesn’t Speak Klingon.  She doesn’t, as far as I can tell.  You can read all about her exploits with her internet fiance (and current real life squeeze) Brett, at both of their blogs.  She is fantastic and super fun.  She just up and moved from Delaware to Indiana and writes about her current status in limbo.  Her blog is also invaded occasionally by her alter ego, the Movie Whore, who reviews the recent movies that Red takes her to see.  Check her out.  You won’t be sorry!

Mandi is one of the funniest, irreverent and balls to the wall crazy bloggers that I have ever known.  Her blog, Atypically Relevant is full of wit and humor and a lot of creative expletives regarding her sophmoronic coed tenants that she has to deal with on a daily basis.  She faces more abject stupidity and college aged teet-sucking momma’s boys/girls than any sane person should.  But the stories are divine.  I’m not sure how her head hasn’t exploded clear off her head by now, but I’m glad it hasn’t and she keeps relaying these tales of Darwinism gone wrong.

Last but not least . . . Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi.  Valerie is new to this blogging game, but she has come out swinging.  I just discovered her blog a couple weeks ago, and I have already laughed so hard at her antics.  She loves all things Harry Potter and Zombie.  In fact, she is currently training to be a Zombie Fighter Extraordinaire, so even if you don’t wanna go to her blog, she just might be someone you want on your good side when the Zombiepocalypse comes.

Phew!  Ok, all done.  Pass the love peeps.

(Sorry about the wonky formatting of this post.  I could not figure out how to fix it no matter how much I tweaked it.  Gah!).