Weekly Whacked: My Whacked Weekend

That’s right, y’all.  This week’s whacked is gonna focus on my own personal experiences from this past holiday weekend!  A little peek into my own whacky world, if you will.  So buckle in and prepare to enjoy the ride!

Last weekend was a three day weekend, as it was for most people in the U.S., unless you work at some sucktastic service industry job or as a nurse/doctor/police officer, whose hours and schedules are all over the place.  But for most of us office working schlubs droids, we got a full extra day off to ostensibly celebrate the men and women who have served our country, but really just to have an excuse to BBQ and go to the pool.  (From the wife of a former service member who served in 2 foreign conflicts, please note that I am only joking and truly appreciate every sacrifice those people make for the rest of us swimming and pigging out at home!). 

The start of the weekend involved taking the boys to a local baseball game.  The team we saw is actually the single A affiliate of the Baltimore Orioles, so not quite the pros, but a pretty solid pseudo-professional minor league team.  I had never been to this stadium, although I had driven by it a bunch of times.  It is a beautiful place that is right off the highway.  It is smaller than your normal big league stadium, of course, but a pretty decent size.  It reminded me of the stadium in Ft. Lauderdale that I went to years ago to see a spring training game.  It was about that size. 

In the parking lot of the stadium, I realized that we must have travelled deep into Skynyrd country:

Once we got into the stadium and found our seats, I realized that the hubs had purchased tickets for seats that were in the second row behind the visiting team’s dugout.  While great seats to see the game, it was also kind of dangerous because a line drive foul ball could have beamed us at any time.  In fact, that happened on the other side of the stadium.  So we were very vigilant.  But it also allowed for a front row view of this:

Yeah, not exactly sure what was going on here.  They asked the kid some question about soy beans (I think) and when he answered correctly, he “won” that chicken hat.  But seriously, there is just no excuse for a grown man to wear a cow hat on his head.  On TV even.  Tragic.

One of the nice things about this lovely little stadium, was that it was very family oriented.  It had this area specifically for kids, with a carousel, a moon bounce and a pitching range.  So when the kids got a little antsy, the hubs ran them over to that area for a little distraction. 

You can see the carousel right above the grassy knoll.

While they left me to fend for myself to watch the game, I noticed something strange:

Wait.  What the . . . ?  What is that thing?  Some sort of mascot?  But I’ve seen the mascot.  It’s a wolf/dog type thing.  It’s running around the field.  What on earth is this then?  Looks like some sort of big headed prep-school boy, with that blazer/shirt/orange shorts combo.  And what’s in his hand?  Is that . . . a tambourine?  What on earth kind of world have I stumbled into?

But then . . . it got worse.  He came closer.  Actually, he ran towards me!!

War cry!

I don’t remember what happened next, as I believe I passed out in fright.  The next thing I remember is my husband and kids returning and handing me a cup of wine.  Everything got better after that!

The next day I had the unenviable task of going to the mall to shop for a dress for a family wedding on Sunday.  You know what . . . I’m still too emotionally scarred from the whole experience.  I can’t talk about it.  Maybe later.  When I heal.

What ended up happening is that I actually bought three dresses.  Since I seem to be incapable of making a decision in the heat of the moment, I figured I would buy the dresses, bring them home and get all my boys to decide, then return whichever ones I didn’t wear.  But then . . . I had a better idea!  Instead, once I got home, I took pictures of myself in the dresses and texted some of mah homegirls for their opinions!!  Much easier that dealing with the hubs’ meh attitude.  And lest you think the hubs is upset about this whole thing, please note that he has never been more overjoyed to be released from dress judging duties.  I think at one point I heard him running around the house, waiving his arms, proclaiming: “Free at last!  Free at last!  Thank god almighty, I am free at last!”  But I might have been imagining that.

So, I took some pics of the different options, sent a text off to a couple friends, and waited for a consensus to come through.  And my girls did not disappoint!!  (The funny thing is that I thought I was also texting Jen, since she had just recently given me her number and I put it in my phone, but had yet to use it.  Well, apparently when I entered her info, I flipped 2 numbers and when I sent the text, some absolutely random person received pictures of me in multiple dresses and shoes, asking for help picking which one.  I so very much hope it was some dude!  Sadly, I did not get dude’s opinion).

Oh, so did you want to see the dress that was the winner?  Ok, fine.  I will finally actually reveal what I look like . . . in a damn dress, no less.  Enjoy!

You’ll just have to imagine the duckface I’m making.

Yep, that’s actually me.  In my actual bathroom.  It was tough fitting the whole thing in the picture, based on the massiveness which is my big fat body, but I finally got it all squeezed in there.  So, that’s what I ended up wearing to the wedding the next day.

Speaking of the next day, did I mention it was supposed to be an outdoor wedding on the beach, in what looked to be very humid 90*+ weather?  Yeah, so I was looking forward to melting in this dress.  What actually ended up happening was much better.  Although it did end up being 90*+, the wedding was in the early evening and we were right off the water, so we got a nice breeze.  It actually turned out to be very lovely.  Here was the venue:

Soooo ugly.

The drive down there was pretty long.  And towards the end of our journey, we were on so many twisty windy backwoods roads that we started to think we could hear the far off twang of banjos.  But once we arrived, it was a completely lovely place.  The ceremony was short (thank you!), and then immediately after, there was booze and food in a big tent that was right off of the water, with a great view.  Plus, we got to hang out with a bunch of really fun family members, so that heightened the enjoyment factor immensely.

There were a couple of fun things to note at the reception.  First, it was in this big tent, and apparently the motif of the night was “Large Glowing Dong.”  I felt like I was going to be violated at any moment.

There was also this very pretty girl that I saw my hubs tracking with his eyes (he has learned the art of subtlety over the years, but I can still read him), and when I mentioned it to him, in a sort of “busted” way, his response was, “whatever.  I am always situationally aware.”  Aware of boobs, anyway.  But the thing about the girl was that she looked exactly like a much younger Jessica Simpson.  You know, 10 years younger, 50 pounds lighter and before she was ruined by her father and turned into televised trailer trash Barbie?  So . . . pretty and booby and fresh faced.  I couldn’t get a picture of her because by the time I realized the resemblance and tried to snap a pic, they had dimmed the lights considerably in the tent and I couldn’t get any good pics. 

The same problem occurred later in the evening when I realized how smoking hot the photographer was.  There were 2 photogs.  One was bald and wearing a suit.  One had shoulder length flowing wavy brunette locks . . . and was wearing a white polo shirt and slacks.  I’m thinking that his complete and utter hotness distracted the bride from the fact he was wearing “casual day at the office” clothing and not “vender at a wedding” clothes.  Anyway, I kept trying to get a picture, but he was running around or buried in the camera, and I just couldn’t get a good shot.  At one point, my niece asked what I was trying to do, and when I told her, she grabbed my camera and was all, “I’ll just go ask him for a pic.”  Wait . . . wha??  What is that?  That is just not done!  You be sneaky and you get the pic!!  That’s what you do.  Anyway, she ran over, asked him and took his picture.  So, apparently . . . that works?  Unfortunately, she sucks at picture taking, so this is what she got:

Fuzzy hotness.

Although, I will also inform you that at this wedding, unbeknownst to me until two days later, I was hit with a huge bomb, which would later become an earworm of enormous proportions!  It was here that I first heard the “Call Me Maybe” song by Carly Rae Jepsen.  It didn’t really register as anything except another pop song of which I was unaware, but some of the younger (i.e. 20′s) members of my family seemed all excited about it and ran out to the dance floor.  Cut to Tuesday . . . I am minding my own business, leaving work and heading to the grocery store, and as I am flipping around the radio stations, I hit upon this song.  And as I am thinking, “hmm, this sounds familiar, where have I heard it before?”  Bam!  That damn song slithered into my brain and took up residence.  I proceeded to spend the next half hour walking around Giant, singing out loud “Call Me Maybe.”  And since those were pretty much the only words I knew of the song, I just kept repeating it over and over.  Damn you, you catchy little tune!!

Apparently, I jumped straight to #5 with this one.

On Monday, most of the same family members that I had just seen the night before at the wedding, spent the day at my house by the pool.  There was swimming, BBQing, drinking . . . you know, the usual.  Plus, I sat out by the pool, albeit fully clothed and under an umbrella (homie don’t swim . . . bathing suits are the devil!).  Much to my surprise, later in the day, I discovered this:

Mmmm . . . smells like bacon!

Yep, that’s me.  Ain’t I lovely?  Apparently, that damn sun shot right through that umbrella and burned the bejeezus out of my neck and arms.  I have a wonderful farmer’s tan.  Yippee!!

Then again, around about the time I was discovering my multicolored skin, I also discovered that I was the winner of The Good Greatsby‘s weekly Caption Contest.  Hooray!  Apparently, when you post a blog and add an addendum at the end begging people to vote for you, it actually works.  I guess the old adage applies . . . you don’t have to be talented, just popular.  Or something, I might have just made that up.  Sounds accurate, though, right?

This was my big prize:

Congratulations to the caption contest winner mistyslaws!  (That’s ME!!)

She wins the following prizes:

1. The gift of gab, whether she wants it or not. Watch out grocery store checker, parking attendant, waitress–or should I say, listen up?

2. The chance to be first in line, as long as she’s willing to always arrive really, really early.

3. A garden salad.  Directions: First, find a garden. Second, select vegetation (edible varieties are advised).  Third, pluck, wash, and enjoy! Fourth, apologize for stealing if you’re one of those old-fashioned types with consciences.

So, thank you for everyone who voted for me.  Truly, I was so excited to find out I won this prestigious award!  I mean, the gift of gab?  I’ve always wanted to literally be able to make a person’s ear fall off just from my extensive speaking ability.  Plus, I LOVE salads.  So this was an awesome prize for someone like me.  :)

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37 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. red
    Jun 01, 2012 @ 09:09:08

    First of all, that dress looks great! Slimming and everything! I often just text pics from the fitting room so I don’t have to return anything.
    Secondly, fun to know we both spent part of our long weekend at a minor league ballgame – kindred spirits! I think they must add that stuff to all minor league parks…although ours didn’t have a carousel that I saw.

    Finally…I don’t know that song. Or if I do, not by name. I’m so far out of the loop.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 05, 2012 @ 15:26:25

      Thanks! It was pretty slimming, but that also doesn’t take into account all the fat schmooshing undergarments I had going on.

      You will know it. I predict it will be everywhere soon. I’m sure I will be sick of it by next week!

      Reply

  2. Danielle Charlton Geer
    Jun 01, 2012 @ 09:26:05

    LOVE the dress! And shuddup about your fatness, because you don’t have any. My fatness can outfat your fatness any day of the week. So boo-yah, beyotch.

    Congrats on the prizes!!!

    Oh, and also? I have that SAME SUNBURN from daring to expose my fatness in my fat girl bathing suit this weekend… how weird is that? Only mine has Betty Boop tattooed on it blowing kisses. Since I spent 99% of the weekend up to my neck in water (so as not to offend the world with my lycra covered fatness) I have NO idea how I managed to get a sunburn on the back of my neck IN A VEE FORMATION. But I did.

    xoxo

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 05, 2012 @ 15:29:42

      Oh girl. You just don’t SEE the fatness. I have cleverly concealed it from the naked eye by wearing a ton of stuff that is holding all the fatness down. So there! I win? :p

      Not sure how you get sunburnt while submerged under the water, although I do know water is a conduit for the sun, so maybe it came through? Yeah, science isn’t my thing. But if anyone can get sunburnt whilst under water, it is you mah dear. Of that I have no doubt! You are just blessed like that. :)

      Reply

  3. thoughtsappear
    Jun 01, 2012 @ 09:33:41

    Congrats on the award!

    Fun Fact #17 about Thoughtsy: Kiefer and I had our first date at that ballfield (for a beerfest). He won me over when he agreed to bounce in the moonbounce with me.

    Reply

    • bluzdude
      Jun 01, 2012 @ 09:44:41

      Man, they let grownups in the Moonbounce? I gotta check that out. Hey, do they have a big pit full of colored balls I can play in while I’m there?

      Reply

      • mistyslaws
        Jun 05, 2012 @ 15:32:48

        I did not see a ball pit, but I would also suggest against getting in one of those. Filled with diseases, they are. Why am I talking like Yoda? Eh, these things knows who.

        Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 05, 2012 @ 15:31:13

      Thanks!

      That is a great first date place. Fun, laid back, good place you can chat while still having some entertainment. And going on the moonbounce is major points. Then again, guys will do most anything in the beginning stages to woo you, I have found. Will he still go in there with you, is the question? ;)

      Reply

  4. Leauxra
    Jun 01, 2012 @ 11:07:41

    1) OK, you need to stop calling yourself fat. You look nice (but you really need to stop with that duck face!)

    2) I got burned this weekend, too! Through copius layers of SPF 45! Hawaii is going to be… interesting. Interesyingly, I think I used the phrase “I smell bacon!” when I saw the backs of my legs.

    3) I am secretly addicted to pop songs. Please don’t tell anyone, and I think it’s offset by my other secret love of metal.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 05, 2012 @ 15:36:07

      Thank you. But I just can’t stop! It’s a disease, Leauxra. Like addiction to self tanning and plastic surgery. Why can’t you be supportive of my plight?

      It seems to be the weekend for burns. Might I suggest light layers and a big hat for Hawaii? Plus lots of SPF. When do you leave? This week, right? Have so much fun. Lots of pictures!!

      I hate pop songs usually. Until they worm their way into my head and I eventually like them somehow. \m/ \m/ (those are metal devil horns, btw. Rock on, Leauxra!).

      Reply

  5. Jayne
    Jun 01, 2012 @ 13:56:27

    Love the dress! Well played.
    The sunburn sucks. Hoping it peels in really big chunks. So much more fun to pull off cause it makes that crackling noise. Yeah. I need a hobby.
    Congrats on the win! I personally voted something like 26 times.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 05, 2012 @ 15:37:15

      Thank you, ma dear!

      I slathered too much lotion on it for it to peel, luckily. Mine usually peels in little itty bitty flakes. Yuck.

      Thanks for the votes! Who says you can’t buy a win, huh? :D

      Reply

  6. Jaime
    Jun 01, 2012 @ 16:10:03

    I got burned as well this weekend…. and that dress is gorgeous… :D

    Reply

  7. Go Jules Go
    Jun 01, 2012 @ 18:53:25

    Yay! You had that GG contest in the bag.

    And your dress is so pretty – I can’t believe you’d call yourself massive – you’re insane. I do want to hear more about the dress-shopping drama though! The wedding venue is also really pretty! And I feel slightly better that even the Stealth Picture Maven has her Jules moments, LOL

    I hope your sunburn is feeling better! It’s the worst when it’s so painful you can barely fall asleep!

    OH – and who is that mascot supposed to be? Did you ever find out??

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 05, 2012 @ 15:49:40

      Yay! Thanks, Jules.

      Believe me, that dress is hiding a lot of massiveness. But yeah, shopping is just not fun for me AT ALL. I grab things that should fit, only to try to squeeze all of me into them. Then the things I can get on just look weird on me. I just hate shopping in general. And I don’t really like shoes. They might take away my girl card soon.

      I hate when I’m burned and I do get to sleep, then I roll over and wake myself up because of the pain. Ouch!

      I have no idea who it is! I was too scared to inquire. ;)

      Reply

  8. cornfedgirl
    Jun 01, 2012 @ 18:56:57

    Nice choice on the dress!!! Although I was diggin’ the brown shoes with the rope sole.
    I hope that your sunburn heals quickly!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 05, 2012 @ 15:51:03

      I kept the shoes!! You’d be so proud of me. :) I also kept the dress and shrug that went with them as they were kinda cheap, being from Kohl’s and all. I figured I’d probably find a place to wear them at some point. Maybe BlogHer!! The rest were returned.

      The burn is gone . . . the farmer’s tan remains. I’m sexy and I know it.

      Reply

  9. bschooledooled
    Jun 01, 2012 @ 19:22:10

    Three things:

    1)ILOVETHATDRESS!!!!
    2) Did you happen to find out if SMPLMN was single?
    3) Why does that photographer remind me of a better-looking Balki Bartokomous?

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 05, 2012 @ 15:52:40

      Well, bschooledooled, if that is your real name . . .

      1. THANKYOUSOMUCH!!
      2. Man! Missed opportunity. Next time I’ll get his number for you.
      3. I eventually found a real pic of him. No, I’m not sharing. He is SO MUCH HOTTER than Balki. If that’s possible. I think he’s greek, though. He was yummy.

      Reply

  10. bschooled
    Jun 01, 2012 @ 19:22:59

    ps. Why did my name show up as bschooledooled?

    Reply

  11. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    Jun 02, 2012 @ 00:18:59

    I will never understand outdoor summer/hot weather weddings. Of course, I break out in a sweat if it’s above 72, so I’m just not built for it.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 05, 2012 @ 15:53:36

      I’m with you. My body was made to live in San Diego I believe. Instead I reside in a state that has miserably hot and humid summers, and freezing cold blizzard winters. Perfect.

      Reply

  12. weezafish
    Jun 02, 2012 @ 08:21:44

    That garden salad, what an awesome prize! My neighbours have a nice veggie patch, I may just award one to myself … Ouch that sunburn looks sore! I keep meaning to tell you, over here in Africa the ladies have a very ‘special’ sense in fashion. I keep thinking of you every time I see a prime example, I shall start snapping methinks. Only yesterday at a takeaway counter (use your imagination) High ‘pole-danging’ heels (with perspex wedge soles), thick tights (could have been leggings) and a frock that can be only be described as ‘the one the Thrift Stores could never sell’. Oh, and I forget a final detail. All in leopard print. I know, I know. From now on, I take my camera with me every time I leave the house.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 05, 2012 @ 15:54:50

      I know, I love salads. It was delicious.

      You MUST capture one of these specimens. I mean, you ARE in Africa, aren’t you? Isn’t that where big game hunting safari’s come from? Start stalking, girl. Shoot yourself a good one!! :)

      Reply

  13. weezafish
    Jun 02, 2012 @ 08:22:40

    Should read ‘pole-dancing’ heels. Not sure what pole-danging is, but it sounds dangerous!

    Reply

  14. She's a Maineiac
    Jun 02, 2012 @ 17:02:08

    Ok, you and the dress are very pretty, you won the contest fair and square AND I am still laughing at the ‘giant glowing dong’ theme comment.

    Reply

  15. Inappropriately Nat (@natsnaughty)
    Jun 02, 2012 @ 18:01:55

    The dress is one thousand times awesome!!!!

    Reply

  16. wcdameron
    Jun 02, 2012 @ 22:11:42

    Damn, gurl! You look good in that dress!

    Reply

  17. Vesta Vayne
    Jun 03, 2012 @ 11:08:13

    “I am always situationally aware.”

    Menfolk, ha!

    Reply

  18. Becca
    Jun 04, 2012 @ 17:47:32

    First of all honey if you call yourself fat ever again I’m going to come over there and beat you with my make up brushes. Your dress looked great and you DID NOT LOOK fat, not at all. The wedding looked fun, and the hooker was clearly in the wrong place. When I took off my glasses fuzzy hotness looked like actual hotness so that was great. YEOWOUCH that sunburn looks nasty. Lots of aloe vera gel for you misty! You’re wonderful, and snarky, and ever so kind. Be kind to yourself ok. THAT’S AN ORDER. xoxo

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 05, 2012 @ 15:58:23

      I’m fat. Bring it! ;)

      Hmm, I never thought about the counterbalancing of the fuzzy factor. Isn’t he steamy??

      I aloe veraed the hell out of myself. Wow, that sounds kinda dirty. It wasn’t all that much fun, really.

      I try to be kind to myself, but then that snarky bitch comes out and it’s all over. But I’ll keep trying. For you, love. :)

      MWAH!!

      Reply

  19. Trackback: Isn’t She Lovely? « Thoughts Appear's Blog

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