A little while back I found myself in the mall. Now, if you know anything about me, you will know how much I detest going to the mall. I hate shopping with a passion, and being around a large number of people makes me twitchy. But alas, at times it is a necessity. There is also the added bonus of sometimes seeing a plethora of unfortunates that I can shoot for an upcoming Whacked post. This was just such a time.
As I was in mall hell, seeing these lovelies, I decided to share this experience with my friend Jen:
Me: Ah, the mall. The whacked’s motherland . . .
Jen: I demand photos for my viewing pleasure!
Me: Fine. Here . . .
And with those two pictures, we started what ended up being an all day epic conversation that just might change retail as we know it today . . .
Jen: Where are you? Outside ‘Abercrombie & Hootch’?
Me: Nope. H&M . . . Hookers & Morons. Or . . . Whorister.
Jen: Or . . . Forver 69.
Me: The Clap.
Jen: White House/Black Market Prostitute.
Me: Sears & Hobucks.
Jen: Then maybe lunch at Jackoff in The Box?
Me: Dessert at Coldstone CreamYourPants?
Jen: Then shopping for the teens at American Spreadeagle Outfitters?
Jen: We are a couple of klassy bitches, babe.
Me: You want klassy? How about we go to Jizzboree.
Jen: That was magical. ((slow-clap)).
(I live for Jen’s slow claps, y’all!)
Me: The Sharper Himbo.
Jen: Ooh! The Jizz-ney Store!
Me: Michael Whores.
Jen: Calvin Chlamydia.
Me: Old Nooner.
Jen: Vera Wang . . . the joke just writes itself.
Me: True dat.
Jen: K.Y. Mart.
Me: Homoerotic Depot.
Jen: J. Screw.
Me: T.J. Sexx.
Jen: Michael’s Tarts & Cracks.
Me: Bath & Hottie Works.
Jen: Victoria’s Secretions.
Me: Um, ewww.
Jen: You’re welcome.
Me: Linens & Thongs.
Jen: Men’s Whorehouse.
Jen: Ha! My first job after college was managing an Expricks!
Me: Fellatio Shack.
Jen: Whores R Us.
Me: Jerkoffice Depot.
Jen: 69 West.
Jen: Hole Foods.
Me: Auntie Handjob’s Pretzels.
Jen: Office Deep-Ho.
Me: Beefcake Factory.
Jen: Ballsacks 5th Avenue.
Me: Easy Spankit.
Jen: Build A Bare-Ass.
Me: Grabme & Evelyn.
Jen: That was rad.
Me: Pearl Necklace Vision.
Jen: Oh my God . . . that was epic. I bow down to your porn glory.
Me: One more and then I’m crashing for the night . . . Kay Jizzlers.
Jen: Good night. And I leave you with: The Lesbo (Lego) Store.
Me: Ha! Ok, I lied . . . this is it, though: L.L. Peen. Thank you and goodnight!