Something I Didn’t Know I Wanted

The following is the first in a series of posts that I will be writing in the next few weeks.  They are neither funny nor snarky.  Together, they will form the story of what has been happening with me over the past year and a half.  I have not been ready to write about it until now.  The posts are serious, and can be a bit dark, just so you are forewarned.  However, by the end of the story, all is right with my world, so just hang in there and take the journey with me to reach the end. 

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When I first found out that I was pregnant, I experienced many overlapping emotions.  Shock.  Disbelief.  Confusion.  Horror.

This was not a planned pregnancy, obviously.  I wasn’t expecting, nor did I desire, to have a third child.  My boys were 4 and 7 at the time.  If and when anyone had asked me over the years if I was going to have another baby, I usually responded that I was done.  And I meant it.  I started my relationship with my husband by declaring to him that I neither wanted marriage nor children.  I felt that our two kids were a good compromise between zero and the huge brood he had originally wanted.  Our family was complete.  We were content, comfortable and settled.  This new development threw us for a major loop.

When I informed my husband of the news, he was happy, but I could also see the trepidation in his eyes.  He could see that I was upset, so he tried his best to comfort and calm me.  Then he left for a business trip for a week.

During that week, I went through all of the stages of grief.

- Denial:  That test couldn’t possibly be right!  No way was I pregnant.  Not even possible.  This stage lasted as long as it took to take another test, with identical results.

- Anger:  Yeah, I was angry, dammit!  How could this happen to me?  I didn’t want to be pregnant or have another baby!  Pregnancy sucks.  Giving birth sucks!  Sleepless nights suck!  I hated this pregnancy and the baby.

- Bargaining:  I don’t believe in god, so there weren’t any deals with some imaginary guy in the sky, but there were definitely some proposals of action to the universe that I thought might be a better outcome than having another baby.  And yes, losing the baby was one of them, I’m ashamed to say.

- Depression:  And then the sadness came.  I kept thinking of all the things I would have to give up for this unwanted child.  Drinking, sushi, my body, sleep.  Every time I thought of another thing that this pregnancy would take away from my life, I sank deeper into the abyss.

- Acceptance:  A funny thing about acceptance . . . it sneaks up on you.  One minute, I was thinking about how difficult my life was going to be because of this accident, and then I turned around and found myself thinking about how sweet a baby is, and how my boys were growing up and were way past that baby stage, and how I missed that.  After just a few days, I realized that I had come to terms with this formerly perceived tragedy, and I was starting to look at it as an incredible gift.  Not planned for or initially wanted, but wonderful all the same.

And then, just as I started settling into the idea of it and began making mental plans, I started to bleed.  And just like that . . . it was over.  Gone.

That’s when the guilt started.  Everyone will tell you that it’s not your fault.  That you didn’t do anything to make it happen.  That it just wasn’t meant to be.  And while logically, I knew that was probably true, I also remembered.  I remembered all those glasses of wine I had before I knew I was pregnant.  The sushi dinner I had 2 weeks prior.  And the time I wished for this very thing to happen before I got over the shock of it.  I thought of those things, and I wasn’t certain that I didn’t somehow have a hand in this.

And then the darkness set in.

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44 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ice Scream Mama
    May 20, 2014 @ 08:39:47

    ohhh i am sorry for your loss. our brains really can beat ourselves up good over things that are just beyond our control.

    Reply

  2. Hippie Cahier
    May 20, 2014 @ 08:53:07

    I’m glad that all is well now and I hope sharing your story helps you to continue to heal. Sometimes the stages sneak back up on you. I hope not, but it happens. Be well.

    Reply

  3. The Cutter
    May 20, 2014 @ 08:54:09

    Sadly, I have had a similar experience of “being careful what you wish for because you just might get it.” It’s not a pleasant thing to go through.

    Reply

  4. Vanessa-Jane Chapman
    May 20, 2014 @ 09:57:48

    Gosh, what a cycle of emotions you went through with all of that in a relatively short space of time! You’re right though, however much somebody tells you that you shouldn’t feel guilty/bad/responsible for something, and however much the logical side of your brain tells you not to feel those things, it doesn’t stop you feeling them until you’re ready to.

    Reply

  5. Danielle Geer
    May 20, 2014 @ 09:59:03

    (((((Misty))))))) I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that. A loss of a pregnancy, whether you planned it, were expecting it, wanted it or not is a loss that is painful. I’ve always believed that a miscarriage is nature’s way of ending something that shouldn’t be, for whatever reason, none of which have anything to do with you or what you did or did not do. I hope you gave yourself permission to grieve and have stopped beating yourself up over something you had no control over.
    On a lighter note, I stupidly thought the video ad at the end of your blog was part of your blog and it took me a few minutes to figure out I was watching a commercial. #blondemoment

    Love you forever!!

    Reply

  6. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    May 20, 2014 @ 10:36:54

    I’m sorry, Misty. It’s great you’re ready to share this story, whatever the journey or outcome.

    Reply

  7. pegoleg
    May 20, 2014 @ 10:56:32

    I’m really sorry for your loss, sweetie.

    Reply

  8. bluzdude
    May 20, 2014 @ 11:35:02

    I’m sorry, Misty. I’ll be glad to show up and administer beer to the situation, any time you want.

    Reply

  9. jenniferjuneclark
    May 20, 2014 @ 16:15:58

    Oh, hunny….. So sorry! It sounds trite, but, truly. You’ll feel better in time. But it takes a while to process. Take care, be kind to yourself.

    Reply

  10. Deborah the Closet Monster
    May 20, 2014 @ 17:34:32

    I’m glad this story ends brighter, but sorry for the darkness preceding.

    Reply

  11. Dani
    May 20, 2014 @ 18:57:28

    No. words.

    Heart,
    Dani

    Reply

  12. donofalltrades
    May 20, 2014 @ 19:20:38

    Our third was a surprise to say the least and the G man has really made us earn our parenting stripes. We lost one before Cool was born and I can only understand your pain from what little I got from my wife. Nobody can really know it, I guess. I’m glad you’re in a happy place now. You’re a beautiful soul, Misty. Hang in there.

    Reply

  13. thoughtsappear
    May 20, 2014 @ 19:23:08

    Talking and Writing about this is tough. I hope it helps! There’s always key lime pie martinis too.

    Reply

  14. flyingplatypi
    May 20, 2014 @ 21:59:09

    Major mad crazy hugs, girl… And I won’t let go until it’s uncomfortable.

    Love you,

    Valerie

    Reply

  15. Vesta Vayne
    May 20, 2014 @ 23:25:03

    Oh my goodness, I am so sorry, though I’m glad to hear there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

    Reply

  16. Valentine Logar
    May 21, 2014 @ 09:11:01

    This was a hard read, I liked it because it was beautifully written. There isn’t a thing anyone can say other than losses like this are impossible to console.

    Reply

  17. Cheryl S.
    May 21, 2014 @ 09:37:49

    I’m glad you told us that things are alright now. I hope telling your story helps the healing to continue.

    Reply

  18. renée a. schuls-jacobson
    May 21, 2014 @ 14:35:57

    Oh Misty. I’m so sorry! Your words take my breath away. Obviously you’ve been struggling this last year, too. And you NEVER said a word. Perhaps this is why you have been so able to understand what I have been going thru. I am so sorry for your loss – so painful and raw. Please let me be here for you now, my friend, in a way that I wasn’t when this was happening.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 01, 2014 @ 21:25:27

      We were both going through our own hell, but are both on the path to healing. We can be there for each other now. Thank you for your continued support.

      Reply

  19. brickhousechick
    May 22, 2014 @ 11:07:23

    Oh goodness, Misty! What a roller coaster of feelings and anguish! So sorry for your loss. I hope that the healing has begun and that you will feel ok again soon! :) Thank you for sharing with us.

    Reply

  20. Don't Quote Lily
    May 23, 2014 @ 17:58:13

    Oh Misty, I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. So many emotions, I can only imagine how difficult that was. I’m sorry for your loss, and hope that writing and letting it out will help. Hugs.

    Reply

  21. Trackback: Emerging from the Deep | Misty's Laws
  22. Judah First
    May 28, 2014 @ 09:21:39

    (((Misty))), so sorry for your loss.

    Reply

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