Weekly Whacked: My Whacked Weekend
01 Jun 2012 13 Comments
in Holiday Hijinks, Ma Peeps, The Fam, Weekly Whacked
That’s right, y’all. This week’s whacked is gonna focus on my own personal experiences from this past holiday weekend! A little peek into my own whacky world, if you will. So buckle in and prepare to enjoy the ride!
Last weekend was a three day weekend, as it was for most people in the U.S., unless you work at some sucktastic service industry job or as a nurse/doctor/police officer, whose hours and schedules are all over the place. But for most of us office working schlubs droids, we got a full extra day off to ostensibly celebrate the men and women who have served our country, but really just to have an excuse to BBQ and go to the pool. (From the wife of a former service member who served in 2 foreign conflicts, please note that I am only joking and truly appreciate every sacrifice those people make for the rest of us swimming and pigging out at home!).
The start of the weekend involved taking the boys to a local baseball game. The team we saw is actually the single A affiliate of the Baltimore Orioles, so not quite the pros, but a pretty solid pseudo-professional minor league team. I had never been to this stadium, although I had driven by it a bunch of times. It is a beautiful place that is right off the highway. It is smaller than your normal big league stadium, of course, but a pretty decent size. It reminded me of the stadium in Ft. Lauderdale that I went to years ago to see a spring training game. It was about that size.
In the parking lot of the stadium, I realized that we must have travelled deep into Skynyrd country:
Once we got into the stadium and found our seats, I realized that the hubs had purchased tickets for seats that were in the second row behind the visiting team’s dugout. While great seats to see the game, it was also kind of dangerous because a line drive foul ball could have beamed us at any time. In fact, that happened on the other side of the stadium. So we were very vigilant. But it also allowed for a front row view of this:
Yeah, not exactly sure what was going on here. They asked the kid some question about soy beans (I think) and when he answered correctly, he “won” that chicken hat. But seriously, there is just no excuse for a grown man to wear a cow hat on his head. On TV even. Tragic.
One of the nice things about this lovely little stadium, was that it was very family oriented. It had this area specifically for kids, with a carousel, a moon bounce and a pitching range. So when the kids got a little antsy, the hubs ran them over to that area for a little distraction.
You can see the carousel right above the grassy knoll.
While they left me to fend for myself to watch the game, I noticed something strange:
Wait. What the . . . ? What is that thing? Some sort of mascot? But I’ve seen the mascot. It’s a wolf/dog type thing. It’s running around the field. What on earth is this then? Looks like some sort of big headed prep-school boy, with that blazer/shirt/orange shorts combo. And what’s in his hand? Is that . . . a tambourine? What on earth kind of world have I stumbled into?
But then . . . it got worse. He came closer. Actually, he ran towards me!!
War cry!
I don’t remember what happened next, as I believe I passed out in fright. The next thing I remember is my husband and kids returning and handing me a cup of wine. Everything got better after that!
The next day I had the unenviable task of going to the mall to shop for a dress for a family wedding on Sunday. You know what . . . I’m still too emotionally scarred from the whole experience. I can’t talk about it. Maybe later. When I heal.
What ended up happening is that I actually bought three dresses. Since I seem to be incapable of making a decision in the heat of the moment, I figured I would buy the dresses, bring them home and get all my boys to decide, then return whichever ones I didn’t wear. But then . . . I had a better idea! Instead, once I got home, I took pictures of myself in the dresses and texted some of mah homegirls for their opinions!! Much easier that dealing with the hubs’ meh attitude. And lest you think the hubs is upset about this whole thing, please note that he has never been more overjoyed to be released from dress judging duties. I think at one point I heard him running around the house, waiving his arms, proclaiming: “Free at last! Free at last! Thank god almighty, I am free at last!” But I might have been imagining that.
So, I took some pics of the different options, sent a text off to a couple friends, and waited for a consensus to come through. And my girls did not disappoint!! (The funny thing is that I thought I was also texting Jen, since she had just recently given me her number and I put it in my phone, but had yet to use it. Well, apparently when I entered her info, I flipped 2 numbers and when I sent the text, some absolutely random person received pictures of me in multiple dresses and shoes, asking for help picking which one. I so very much hope it was some dude! Sadly, I did not get dude’s opinion).
Oh, so did you want to see the dress that was the winner? Ok, fine. I will finally actually reveal what I look like . . . in a damn dress, no less. Enjoy!
You’ll just have to imagine the duckface I’m making.
Yep, that’s actually me. In my actual bathroom. It was tough fitting the whole thing in the picture, based on the massiveness which is my big fat body, but I finally got it all squeezed in there. So, that’s what I ended up wearing to the wedding the next day.
Speaking of the next day, did I mention it was supposed to be an outdoor wedding on the beach, in what looked to be very humid 90*+ weather? Yeah, so I was looking forward to melting in this dress. What actually ended up happening was much better. Although it did end up being 90*+, the wedding was in the early evening and we were right off the water, so we got a nice breeze. It actually turned out to be very lovely. Here was the venue:
Soooo ugly.
The drive down there was pretty long. And towards the end of our journey, we were on so many twisty windy backwoods roads that we started to think we could hear the far off twang of banjos. But once we arrived, it was a completely lovely place. The ceremony was short (thank you!), and then immediately after, there was booze and food in a big tent that was right off of the water, with a great view. Plus, we got to hang out with a bunch of really fun family members, so that heightened the enjoyment factor immensely.
There were a couple of fun things to note at the reception. First, it was in this big tent, and apparently the motif of the night was “Large Glowing Dong.” I felt like I was going to be violated at any moment.
There was also this very pretty girl that I saw my hubs tracking with his eyes (he has learned the art of subtlety over the years, but I can still read him), and when I mentioned it to him, in a sort of “busted” way, his response was, “whatever. I am always situationally aware.” Aware of boobs, anyway. But the thing about the girl was that she looked exactly like a much younger Jessica Simpson. You know, 10 years younger, 50 pounds lighter and before she was ruined by her father and turned into televised trailer trash Barbie? So . . . pretty and booby and fresh faced. I couldn’t get a picture of her because by the time I realized the resemblance and tried to snap a pic, they had dimmed the lights considerably in the tent and I couldn’t get any good pics.
I did get this one, though:
NOT faux-Jessica. But still trampy.
The same problem occurred later in the evening when I realized how smoking hot the photographer was. There were 2 photogs. One was bald and wearing a suit. One had shoulder length flowing wavy brunette locks . . . and was wearing a white polo shirt and slacks. I’m thinking that his complete and utter hotness distracted the bride from the fact he was wearing ”casual day at the office” clothing and not “vender at a wedding” clothes. Anyway, I kept trying to get a picture, but he was running around or buried in the camera, and I just couldn’t get a good shot. At one point, my niece asked what I was trying to do, and when I told her, she grabbed my camera and was all, “I’ll just go ask him for a pic.” Wait . . . wha?? What is that? That is just not done! You be sneaky and you get the pic!! That’s what you do. Anyway, she ran over, asked him and took his picture. So, apparently . . . that works? Unfortunately, she sucks at picture taking, so this is what she got:
Fuzzy hotness.
Although, I will also inform you that at this wedding, unbeknownst to me until two days later, I was hit with a huge bomb, which would later become an earworm of enormous proportions! It was here that I first heard the “Call Me Maybe” song by Carly Rae Jepsen. It didn’t really register as anything except another pop song of which I was unaware, but some of the younger (i.e. 20′s) members of my family seemed all excited about it and ran out to the dance floor. Cut to Tuesday . . . I am minding my own business, leaving work and heading to the grocery store, and as I am flipping around the radio stations, I hit upon this song. And as I am thinking, “hmm, this sounds familiar, where have I heard it before?” Bam! That damn song slithered into my brain and took up residence. I proceeded to spend the next half hour walking around Giant, singing out loud “Call Me Maybe.” And since those were pretty much the only words I knew of the song, I just kept repeating it over and over. Damn you, you catchy little tune!!
Apparently, I jumped straight to #5 with this one.
On Monday, most of the same family members that I had just seen the night before at the wedding, spent the day at my house by the pool. There was swimming, BBQing, drinking . . . you know, the usual. Plus, I sat out by the pool, albeit fully clothed and under an umbrella (homie don’t swim . . . bathing suits are the devil!). Much to my surprise, later in the day, I discovered this:
Mmmm . . . smells like bacon!
Yep, that’s me. Ain’t I lovely? Apparently, that damn sun shot right through that umbrella and burned the bejeezus out of my neck and arms. I have a wonderful farmer’s tan. Yippee!!
Then again, around about the time I was discovering my multicolored skin, I also discovered that I was the winner of The Good Greatsby‘s weekly Caption Contest. Hooray! Apparently, when you post a blog and add an addendum at the end begging people to vote for you, it actually works. I guess the old adage applies . . . you don’t have to be talented, just popular. Or something, I might have just made that up. Sounds accurate, though, right?
This was my big prize:
Congratulations to the caption contest winner mistyslaws! (That’s ME!!)
She wins the following prizes:
1. The gift of gab, whether she wants it or not. Watch out grocery store checker, parking attendant, waitress–or should I say, listen up?
2. The chance to be first in line, as long as she’s willing to always arrive really, really early.
3. A garden salad. Directions: First, find a garden. Second, select vegetation (edible varieties are advised). Third, pluck, wash, and enjoy! Fourth, apologize for stealing if you’re one of those old-fashioned types with consciences.
So, thank you for everyone who voted for me. Truly, I was so excited to find out I won this prestigious award! I mean, the gift of gab? I’ve always wanted to literally be able to make a person’s ear fall off just from my extensive speaking ability. Plus, I LOVE salads. So this was an awesome prize for someone like me. 
Convos with the Kiddos: Part Four
30 May 2012 17 Comments
in Silly Boys
6: I hurt my arm at school today.
Me: How did you do that?
6: By playing so powerfully. I’m one of the most best players.
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Hubs to 6: How many kids are you going to have?
6: 800,000. 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66 . . . Elizabeth1, Elizabeth2, Elizabeth3, Elizabeth4 . . .
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Talking about a kid at school:
6: If we were born on the same day, since we were born at the same time, we would be twins!
I had to explain to him that that is not quite how “twins” work.
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Closing his eyes and tilting his head back and forth:
Me: What are you doing?
6: I’m doing exercises. And I have a girl in my head doing it with me. She does it and I follow.
Me: Who’s the girl?
6: Just some random kind of girl. I can’t even see her face. Just her pink suit.
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Re: The Northern Lights
6: It’s like when you go through the second part of the car wash. Or like all the colors of the monkeys jumping on the bed game. Except for orange, of course.
Of course.
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Talking about a girl in the neighborhood . . . and another boy:
6: That’s her boyfriend.
Me: Wow, there are a lot of dating kids in this neighborhood.
6: Yeah, and I’ve wanted to go play with them, but every time I do, they just play with each other.
I’m just gonna let that one go . . .
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6: I wouldn’t want to jump out of that helicopter into those mountains. Cuz that could really hurt your back! Unless the mountains had cotton balls on them.
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6: Who is another superhero besides Abraham Lincoln?
Me: Abraham Lincoln wasn’t a superhero. He was a president.
6: Yes he was! He ended slavery. If not for him, there’d still be slaves and that would be a bad thing. Also, firefighters are superheros because they save people. They are real life heroes!
Now how exactly can I argue with that logic? Vampire hunter AND superhero!
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Me: Eyelashes protect your eyes.
4: OR . . . they can protect them from monsters. Like if monsters run up to you.
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Watching Dancing with the Stars . . . of course.
4: Are the girl with the white dress and guy with the black shirt married?
Me: No, they just dance together.
4: But she’s wearing a married princess dress!!!
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4: Do you know where the angry birds store is?
Me: No, do you?
4: Well, maybe it’s in the last part of Maryland. Or Hawaii.
Weekly Whacked: Random Stuff
25 May 2012 26 Comments
Today is just a random sampling of some pics I have taken over the last couple months that didn’t really end up qualifying for any specific category. But they are too good to leave out, so I’m just gonna throw them all in here.
This pink Pocahontas shirt is barely camouflaging the ass crack peeking out of her jeans. Adding the vest and gold sparkly purse to this ensemble really makes it fashionable, though. I think I owned this same shirt in 1982. Mine had a white kitten screen printed on the front. It’s a classic!
Speaking of super fancy vests . . . check out this furry number! Not just made of fur, but a whole different color and type of fur bursting out as the lining and collar! What’s up with the vests? Is this a new fashion trend that I need to jump on? Ok, I’ll be right back . . . gotta go find my local vest-dealer.
This was an actual employee of this store, wearing what can only be tights as pants, and thigh high boots. Very professional.
This was in New Joy-zee on my way home from my birthday trip. This is some head to toe malfeasance! The dyed blond hair with the upflipped red dyed ends circling her head . . . all the way down to the fuzzy Yeti Clydesdale Ugg things on her feet. Classy!
She is just. so. co-ord-in-ated!! The cheetah shoes and bag and mother luvin’ bow! Betcha a dollar she is wearing cheetah undies as well. Seriously.
This and the next picture are from St. Patrick’s Day . . . This one: there is so much, I don’t even know where to start. Maybe the fact that it looks like a pregnant man? Or the explosion of St. Patty’s Day all over her/shim’s head and torso? Necklace by day and Pleasure Beads by night? Ouch.
This was also an explosion of green all over this granny on St. Patty’s Day . . . even down to the maniacal green glint in her crazy eyes! (If you’re thinking this picture looks familiar, you might have seen it on my Facebook page around St. Patty’s Day).
It is possible . . . and I say just possible . . . that this is the same pregnant man/woman from the photograph above. Whoever it may be, girlfriend likes her matching coordinated colorful outfits, no?
I’m just glad she had this crazy colored hair, or I never would have been able to see her . . . in this arcade.
Honestly, I don’t know what is going on here. The boots with the skirt and the jacket and tiny backpack? Yeah, this was just . . . odd.
I have never seen as perfectly and sprayingly coiffed a helmet of hair as this one. It is truly a work of art. This lady is keeping the Aqua Net business going strong. Bravo!
Do not try to deny it, girl. Obviously, you are a working girl who is just grabbing some dinner before going off to work the streets. Own it! (Why do women wear these designed stockings? I really don’t get the appeal?).
Excuse the very poor quality of this picture but I was actually in my car driving by when I snapped it. This is a full on grandma wearing leggings as pants, knee-high black boots, and . . . dog in purse!! (Look to the far left of the picture to see all but his little face cut off).
Speaking of little dogs . . . not sure if you can tell by the picture, but I swear to all that is holy, this freaking dog is wearing a HOODIE! Seriously. A hoodie for pete’s sake. Tragic.
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Ok, this is the time that I actually pimp myself out to y’all. I am a finalist in The Good Greatsby’s caption contest this week, and I would really love it if you would visit right here to vote for my entry. You know, only if you love me. Vote before Monday when the winner (ME!!) will be chosen.
Yep, and now I am officially a blog whore. I feel so dirty.
At Least It’s Not Towels
23 May 2012 43 Comments
This past weekend, I had the opportunity to be in the presence of greatness. Not only in the presence of, but I was actually able to hear, see, speak to and even give gifts to the Greatness.
Of course I am speaking of the great and powerful Oz Bloggess!! Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, who recently wrote a book entitled Let’s Pretend this Never Happened, has been #1 on the New York Times best seller list for a full month, and has been on a book tour for the past couple weeks/months. Her first leg of the tour was so successful, as was her book, that she added a second leg. And that second leg just happened to have not one, but two stops in my home state. First stop, Gaithersburg at a Book Festival, and second (and last tour) stop was in Annapolis at a Barnes & Noble.
Once I discovered that The Goddess would practically be in my backyard, I contacted my fellow MD-er and homegirl, Thoughtsy, and we coordinated as to which day we should go stalk see The Bloggess. We decided to go on Sunday to Annapolis.
Thoughtsy and I both got there about 2 hours before the event, wanting to make sure we got good seats and a ticket to get our books signed (you had to have the book in hand and physically be there to get a ticket to have her sign your book). We didn’t need to be quite so early, as there were only a small handful of people there at that point, and it only got really filled up right before the event started. But it was good that we were early, because it gave us a chance to sit in the 4th row and we also got to chat and catch up with each other for a bit. Always a plus!
While we were waiting for Jenny to arrive, I walked around the area and noticed that someone working at the store must have been a fan of The Bloggess and her book. They had put a couple really cute things around the area that were reminiscent of Jenny’s blog posts and things she had mentioned in her book. The first were the cut out puppets posted all around:
Jean Louise
.
Juanita Weasel
.
Beyoncé
.
. . . Mother Fucker!
Then there were some references from her book:
Snausages and a Fork!!
Portlandia blog post call back:
And then my absolutely favorite thing that they did . . . reserved a seat for the elusive and difficult, Nathan Fillion (with twine!):
Just in case . . .
You know . . . because of all the places that Nate might finally show up and cooperate with Jenny’s insanity plea, the most likely place would be on a Sunday afternoon in Annapolis, MD. Sure, why not? (When Jenny saw this, she was actually quite tickled that they had this set up. It was pretty hysterical).
So, after our dedicated and selfless waiting for the Queen of all Blogging, she finally graced us with her presence. While we were waiting, the area had filled up to max capacity, and upon seeing the shit ton of people who had showed up for her, Jenny’s first exclamation was:
Holy Shit, there’s a lot of people! I shouldn’t have said Holy Shit. Especially not right next to the age 0-2 section. Hi kids!
So, that started us off with quite a bang, wouldn’t you say? She then warned us that if it seemed she was acting strange, it wasn’t because there was something wrong with her. Nor had she imbibed a bit of liquid courage prior to her appearance:
I am on A LOT of drugs. My doctor told me she had something for me that all the singers and performers and other people who go on tour, who have anxiety, take all the time. “Is it cocaine?” I asked. “No, it’s BETTER than cocaine!” So, I just want you to know that I’m not drunk.
Then she began her reading. She read the chapter of her book about almost ODing on laxatives. And it was hella funny in the book, and ten times funnier to hear her read about her own experience. When she got to the part about how she had taken a bunch of laxatives, and then went to get a large Frappuccino, there was giggling from the crowd. At that point she stopped for an aside:
See? You guys get it. Nobody told me that coffee was in fact a laxative. No idea.
In the chapter, she also mentioned how she tried to counteract the effects by taking a dose of Pepto, and the only thing that did was turn her tongue black. Another aside:
I thought that happened to everyone, but people were like, “what are you talking about?” Apparently it only turns 1 in 6 people’s tongues black. How do I know it’s 1 in 6? Because Pepto contacted me. THEY WERE NOT PLEASED.
At one point in the story, she reads the part where she yells: “I HAVE DIARRHEA.” She commented on her reading this part out loud at B&N:
I just yelled, “I have diarrhea” in a crowded store. The people at Starbucks over there are like WTF? Sorry! That probably didn’t help sales.
Once she was done reading the chapter, she opened it up for a Q&A session. One of the first questions was why she wasn’t wearing her confidence wig . . .
I’m on a lot of drugs, so that’s my confidence wig.
Surprising even myself, I found MY OWN hand raised in the air to ask a question (I guess Jenny brings the extrovert out of me!), and asked her, “has Nathan Fillion contacted you yet?” (My girl, Jen e Sais Quoi, would be so proud of me!). To which followed one of the greatest responses of all time, ever (what? I’m not biased!):
No, he hasn’t. Although, I’ve met people on the tour that work with him and they said they have asked him and he’s just like, “no, I’m just not gonna do it.” Even though I have faith in Nater Tater, I’ve decided to focus on a more attainable person . . . Barack Obama. I tweeted him, and was like, “hey, I’ll be in your town. Let’s make this happen!” but no response. Although, I did hear back from some people that work for him, and they said, “no promises, but we’ll see if we can make it happen.” How awesome would that be?? A picture of Obama holding twine, all “what’s your problem, Fillion?”
Following the Q&A session, we all lined up to get our books signed by Jenny. Both Thoughtsy and I had not only brought books for her to sign, but we had also brought presents! I had picked up a card and figured, since we had plenty of time to wait, that I would be able to come up with the most perfect and wonderful things to say to Jenny in the card. Well, while the card I got was perfect (it had Wonder Woman on the front!), what I wrote ended up as a rambling, long-winded mess. Oh well . . . she’ll just think I’m nuts. Won’t be the first time.
The presents I got for her were a little touch of MD. I bought some items that she would only find in this state . . . Berger’s cookies and Old Bay. I also got her a bottle of wine from Linganore winery, which is a MD winery. (Also note, it is the first wine that Thoughtsy and I shared together at the Ren Fest all those many months ago. Ahhh, memories). And then, of course, I just couldn’t resist also getting her a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill wine. Only the finest for the great Bloggess!!
The line went very quick, as they were moving people along quite briskly. It was sign, picture, see ya! When I got to her, I asked her to sign my book and also something else. Her handler (who was really the one moving everyone along), messed the whole thing up, but I wasn’t going to complain. However, after I had asked her to sign multiple things, I said that to make up for it, “I have presents!!”
I gave her the bottles of wine saying, “this is booze,” to which she replied, “oh, bless you!” and when I told her one was Strawberry Hill, she said, “that’s my favorite!” My response: “I know. Because I’m stalking you.” She giggled at that. I made the Bloggess giggle. Score!
I then assured her that I was not actually stalking her (I’m not even sure why I said that!). I then gave her the other part of the gifts and proceeded to get my picture taken with her, which turned out pretty well, I must say. Although, I am a bit remorseful about the fact that I was standing that close to her and never got to touch her! I should have asked for a hug. But, I was close enough to smell her hair. I didn’t, but if I was a weirdo and into that kinda shit, I totally could have. (Actually, I told Thoughtsy that I had an idea that I would ask if she would get up and I could sit there and act like I was signing the book to her, while she was standing next to me, but that just never ended up happening. It all moved so fast and they really were trying to get people moving through there quickly. Oh well).
The Bloggess wrote MY name. Swoon!
So, I guess you want to see the picture of me with the Bloggess, huh? I’ll warn you . . . it is magnificent. I don’t want you to be all jealous of how amazingly beautiful I am, or how regal both of us look. You’ve been warned.
Me and the Bloggess!!
I admit it . . . I doctored that photo a bit. Jenny was not really wearing a crown. But I thought she should have one, no? Being blogging royalty and all. Everything else is photographically accurate.
Oh wait! I forgot to mention . . . she brought Copernicus!! She’s using him as a drink holder on the tour. I got a picture, but it’s really blurry, so not the greatest. You can get the idea, though:
But wait! That’s not even close to all. I know, you are probably exhausted from this hugely long post . . . but this is for YOU!
I had previously bought some stickers from Jenny’s Zazzle store, and totally forgot I had them until I planned to go to this signing. When I realized they were just sitting there, I thought, “maybe I can get Jenny to sign these and give them away!” So, that is what I attempted to do. What actually happened was a whole fluffermaroo involving her handler only wanting her to sign ONE, and me asking if she could sign each because I was planning a giveaway, and her very kindly doing it, but misunderstanding when I asked her to sign across each one, and her just signing across the whole thing. Then she tried to fix it by signing each one on the line. Sigh. Anyway, she was very gracious, and it was my fault for not being more specific, but it didn’t quite end up as I had planned. But here it is . . .
Anyway, this is what I am giving away:
One sticker, with Jenny Lawson’s signature on the LIFETIME MEMBER signature line. Still pretty rad, huh?
The regular rules apply (do one of these things):
1. Like my Facebook page (see all the way up at the top right of this page —^).
2. Follow my Blog (also up up up top there on the right).
3. Comment on this post. Tell me your favorite part of her book. Or tell me your favorite blog post of hers and why. Or tell me what you would do if you met the Bloggess (something creative). Or if you have met the Bloggess, what happened? Was it magical? Or . . . if you know either Nathan Fillion or President Obama . . . figure out a way to get them to take a picture of themselves holding twine (or get the Bloggess face time with either), and let me know if you can do this!!
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Check out Thoughtsy’s post about her experience with the Bloggess as well.
My Chemical Romance
21 May 2012 54 Comments
in Randomosity
I’ve been struggling with a problem for years. There is a substance that I just cannot escape. I can’t go a day without it. Sometimes, I even need another hit in the afternoon. It is all consuming and I cannot hide this shameful secret any longer. I think I am finally ready to admit to my weakness . . . my unrelenting need . . . my addiction.
Hello. My name is Misty. And I am . . . a coffee-holic! *
It’s true. I am a slave to the allure of the caffeine deliciousness found within that sweet sweet elixir of ground and brewed drugginess. I want it. I need it. I cannot function without it. But, I am oddly ok with that.
Yeah, that right up there? Is totally me without my coffee in the morning. My poor family has discovered the perils of conversing with me in the AM prior to the occurence of my first cup of java being ingested. Even then, it’s probably safe to give me a little space and a bit of time for the caffeine to begin flowing through my veins. Really, for your own safety, it is a must.
Every single morning, I have a cup of coffee. Sometimes it is brewed in my very own coffee pot at home. Sometimes I stop at the Mecca of all coffee (no not Starbucks, pfft!), Dunkin Donuts, where I get myself a Caramel Iced Latte to start my day. Once I have consumed the delicious Juan Valdez kissed concoction of wakeyness that is my coffee/latte, then I feel safe to interact with other humans without fear of accidental murderings occurring.
I freely admit that I am addicted to the gods of caffeine. I cannot get through the day without at least one cup of coffee. I once, out of necessity and sheer extreme lateness, had to go an entire morning while dealing with court insanity, without any coffee. It was not pretty, people. That’s all I’ll say. I need that first cup of coffee and I need it immediately upon waking.
Actual 12″x16″ metal sign in my office.
I used to be ok with just that one morning coffee to get me through the day. As long as I had that early morning caffeine infusion, I was good to go. But recently, I have found myself dragging in the PM, and more often than not, I need another java jolt to get me through the rest of my day.
The problem with this newfound resurgence requirement . . . well, it is shameful. I have a deep dark secret that I am finally going to reveal here to all of you. They say confession is good for the soul and all that crap, right? Alright then, I am going to unburden myself of this as of yet revealed secret shame and hope to be all joyously uplifted from the burden of this revelation. Please be kind and try not to judge.
My secret is . . . I can’t make coffee. Now, before you think I’m all lazy and just want other people to make coffee for me, nothing could be further from the truth. Ok, so maybe it’s a little close to the truth. I am in fact lazy. And I do love when someone else makes coffee for me. But the real issue is that I really want to be able to make my own coffee, but just do not have the skill. I regularly have to make coffee in the morning as my husband travels a lot. When he is home, he makes the coffee. He makes good coffee. When he is travelling, I make the coffee. I make horrible coffee. But it’s having coffee vs. not having coffee, so I make it and drink it anyway. Blech. No matter what combination of grounds to water I use, it always turns out . . . wrong somehow. Too weak, too bitter, too strong . . . always practically undrinkable. And sometimes I even get grounds IN the coffee, and I have no idea how that happens. It is like some sort of mental block or handicap that I have. (I am so ashamed!).
This also becomes a problem when I find myself in need of a resurgence of caffeine in the afternoon. We have a coffee pot in the office. I am also surrounded by no less than 3 coffee shops within a 2 block radius of my office. However, sometimes I am just too busy to run out to get coffee and I want a cup while I’m in the office. There is also the money factor. I can’t just keep spending $3-$4 every single day on coffee. I’ve done it. It gets really expensive, this habit of mine. Probably cheaper than crack, but maybe not by much.
What this leads me to is the need to ask my secretary, almost every day, to make coffee for me. And I am just not that type of person. I am not one of those bureaucratic assholes that makes his secretary wipe his ass for him. I am extremely self sufficient at my job, with my secretary only doing the most basic of word processing and docket prep duties for me. Luckily, she is rad as shit and doesn’t mind when I beg her to supply me with my drug. But I hate being that attorney asking their secretary to make coffee for them. It is shameful, really.
MY office supplies (mug courtesy of Allie Brosh of Hyperbole & a Half . . . I miss her!) . . .
.
. . . But, this is the one I REALLY want (ahem . . . I love presents . . . ahem).
In a previous life, I was a legal secretary. I know how it feels to have a demanding and unreasonable (usually lazy as balls) attorney as my boss. I once worked for one such example of douchenuggetry. He was such a massive waste of space and lazy piece of crap that he would call me on the intercom and tell me (not ask me, mind you) to go get him a soda. So, I would have to stop doing whatever work I was doing (work for him), to run down the hall, grab a soda, and bring it to him in his office, which was 3 FEET AWAY FROM MY DESK. It’s not like I was down the hall, or the refrigerator was under my desk. Even then . . . In fact, he was probably actually closer to the fridge than I was. But that was inconsequential. The important part is that I worked for him, and I was expected to do his bidding.
I vowed to never be that kind of boss that expects people to do basic things for me, things that I can do for my damn self. And I never have been . . . until now. I am now that boss that makes her secretary (although I do ask her super nicely) to make me coffee. Something that I damn well could do all on my own. I just really don’t wanna drink my shitty coffee. Nor do I want to subject the other coffee drinkers in the office to that brand of awfulness. It is just inhumane, is what it is. Really, I’m being selfless in my thoughts of others and protecting them from my horrible coffee making skills. Right?
Ok, fine. I’m completely selfish and I just want some good coffee. Is that so wrong?
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What is your addiction? What item can you not get through the day without? Any secret shame from some basic task that you Just. Can’t. Do?
* No offense to any groups that meet for counseling or addiction management. This is all in jest, of course.
Weekly Whacked: On the Road Again
18 May 2012 29 Comments
Onto our next installment of random road ridiculousness. And onto our next category . . .
WHO DAT?
(In which the plate describes who the driver/car is):
MR NUTZ
Well hello there, sir. I’m not sure if this gentleman is referring to himself as crazy or actually referencing a certain part of his anatomy. You know what? Either way, I don’t think I want the clarification.
AQUADAD
Shouldn’t this be a boat instead, then? I didn’t know that mermen could drive cars.
MR DRILL
Hmmm, this might be another one that I don’t want to know the context of, yes?
1BADESQ
Ok, I’m going to give this one a tiny bit of creativity points. He/she is obviously an attorney, and they are trying to equate One Bad Ass with 1 Bad Esq. I get it. Touche. Still, anyone who vocally proclaims via license plate that they are a bad ass? Also a douche.
CRYZTAL
Once again . . . not sure if she is informing the world of her name, or professing her love of champagne. Either way . . . claszy!
NY DIVA
Well, at least she’s giving me the reasons upfront to go ahead and start hatin’ on her. I appreciate the candor at least. This way, I don’t have to work to figure out why I can’t stand her. Bravo, sistah.
SISTA
Oops. I meant . . . sista. My bad.
MSLISAG
Note that this car was being driven by a bald black man. Maybe it’s his drag name? We were driving away from Atlantic City, so it is not beyond the realm of possibilities. Would also explain the baldness . . . much easier for wig application, I imagine.
SAMZ Z
Hi Sam! Nice car. (Actually, I’m only being nice to Sam. Whilst I am a fan of the Nissan Z as a car, this color was a complete eyesore. I am kindly only subjecting you to a small hint of it. I’m a giver like that. No thanks are necessary).
DMBFANZ
I’m wondering if this is quantifying the entire family, since this is a mini-van proclaiming to be fanz of DMB. Hmmm . . .
1BYTER
Ok, guys . . . help me out here. Is this supposed to be One Byter? Like some type of computer thing? Or do you think it means something more along the lines of I bite her?
MSTRINA
This just gives entirely too much information about the driver/owner of this Jeep. Her name is Trina Jones, and she is from Bel Air, MD (or thereabouts). Why don’t you just put your home address and social security number on the bumper while you’re at it, Ms. Jones?
DADSJP
This one could also go either way . . . in that the person who owns this is a father and this is his car. Or, that this is a teenager/college kid that had a jeep purchased for him by his dad, and his dad just wants to make sure his son always knows who is paying the car note on this bad boy.
PHINSFN
Ok, I’ll be honest. I’m not exactly sure what a Phins Fan is. If it’s hockey, I have no clue. The Dolphins, perhaps? That’s football, so I have a bit more knowledge about that. Not sure if that’s what a Phin is, though. Sports people? Anyone?
SNASTY
This totally makes me think of Elizabeth from Flourish in Progress. Her alter ego (rap name?) is Sha-Nasty Poof Poof. Liz? Is that you?
TRATHLT
Triathlete? I’m thinking. Apparently also into fencing and either jumping or jousting. This is one busy chica.
LAXICAB
This one has a bit of the creative to it as well. I get it. A mom. Who uses the car to taxi the kids around. To lacrosse. LAXicab. I get it. Right there with ya, babe. However, I do my taxi-ing in a car that costs about $30,000 less than yours.
MAINEAC
Gotta think this means maniac. And when I saw it, of course I immediately thought of Darla, even though she spells hers differently.
4SUGA
Once again . . . either way. Someone purchased this vehicle for a person named Suga (Sugar?), or . . . this car was payment for someone giving someone else some “suga.” Really, if you look at it that way, it could be considered a contract. Fulfillment for services rendered. Also? A moving admittance of guilt to a misdemeanor crime.
Happy Happy Joy Joy
16 May 2012 48 Comments
in Give It Away Now, Ma Peeps, The Fam
Well, that might be overstating it just a tad. But, I am starting to feel mostly back to normal, and since the last few posts were dwelling on so much woe is me downer type stuff, this post is going to talk about some of the fun things that have happened lately.
And what could be more fun than getting presents!!! Yep, not only did I get a few rad things last week, but I am passing on the joy of presentsing to you! (It is too a word). That’s right . . . if you can make it all the way to the very end of this post, and slog through all the self-congratulatory bullshit joyousness, then you can also feel the heart swelling feeling of being gifted upon. So, stay tuned!
A few weeks ago, I entered a giveaway contest on another blogger’s site. It was Mandi‘s birthday and she was giving away some prizes in honor of the festivities. All you had to do was write a poem or limerick or haiku or something. Well, of my many gifts and skills, poetry has never been one of them. So, as much as I love me some Mandi, I basically told her to fuck off with her poetry (with love!). But, she guilted me into at least trying. So I did. Pretty unsuccessfully, I might add. But, despite my poor efforts at Wordsworthing . . . she ended up just picking names out of a hat (her husband did, actually). And, since my odds were 1 in 4 . . . I won!! So, last week I received my bounty. This is what she sent to me:
It says: I have a very busy day of being stunning. Yeah, so obviously this mug was made for me, right?
Oh, but that’s not all that was in the package. I also got this kick ass magnet. And y’all know how much I love me some magnets . . .
Yay, fun side! (Mmmm, pie).
And the flipside:
Mean side, boo!!
So that was definitely a fun treat to get all that good stuff in the mail. I love mail!!
The next fantastic items I received actually arrived on my husband’s birthday. Birthday for the hubs = presents for me! Huzzah! Really, it’s as it should be, no?
The first was not really a present, since I ordered it myself and was expecting it. However, based on shipping expectations, I didn’t think I would get it until this week. I was so very pleasantly surprised that it came so early:
Guys. I cannot stress this strongly enough: YOU MUST GET THIS BOOK!!!!!! This is a hysterical biography! If you have been living under a rock and don’t know either a) who The Bloggess is, or b) that she wrote a book, then really there might not be any help for you at all. But . . . if you know all of that (as you should!) and just haven’t gotten around to it or are waiting for the paperback version (that was totally my excuse at first), you must put away all childish thoughts and run to your local B&N/Target or order it immediately from Amazon!!
I have never laughed so hard or as vocally reading any book in my entire life. And that is really saying something y’all, since I am not only a voracious reader, but was an English Lit major in college. I have read a lot of books in my life, is basically what I am saying. And this one gave me cramps in my stomach from laughing so hard and so long. I got pissed at one point because I was laughing so hard that tears started impeding my vision and I could not read the next sentence, and that really bugged me because I needed to see what on earth she was going to say next! That is the sign of a good book, y’all. Read it NOW.
It took me four days to read it, and I probably could have done it in one sitting if I didn’t have silly things like the hubs’ birthday, work, kids, chores . . . basically stupid life holding me back from this brilliance. (There is a very good reason that I needed to get the book and read it relatively quickly as well, but I’ll get to that in an upcoming post next week).
The next item that I received was not expected, but also arrived on the hubs’ birthday. This was from my friend and sister wife, Jen, who said she was just thinking of me and decided to send something to brighten my day. Well, brighten it she surely did. The first awesomeness was the card:
This is SO Jen.
I mean, really. Obviously bacon would trump any thoughts of anything else! But the best part was the gift that came with the card:
Seriously . . . what could be more rad than knee-high bright green socks with the word PORTLAND written all up each side? And truly, when you think of me, how do you not imagine me wearing these socks?
When I wrote to Jen to thank her for the gift, I told her that I was starting to envision a huge secret closet in her apartment that was just filled with Portlandia souvenirs and memorabilia that she would hand-pick from and send to her friends when they were feeling down, just to make them smile. I have to tell you, she did not deny the accusation. Hmmm, I’m starting to suspect some type of C.S. Lewis wardrobe action happening here, perhaps . . .
And lest you think that I could possibly resist trying on these bad boys . . .you obviously don’t know me. And for your viewing pleasure . . . my modelling of these fine examples of hosiery:
I would never deny you all of such a brilliant display of sock modelling. And why yes, I do know how sexy my leg is, but I thank you for noticing, just the same.
Then, of course, there was Mother’s Day, where I received some lovely gifts from my kids/husband. My oldest actually made this for me in school:
.
And then there were the gifts:
Love monkey
My oldest purportedly picked out this monkey for me at the mall. Love it!
Ahhh, now we’re talking!! How well do my kids (the hubs) know me!! Mommy drinks cuz you’re bad! (Kidding kidding . . . mostly). The only thing missing was the bottle of Tequila. I’m not really sure what the hubs was thinking. Except maybe “it’s inappropriate to take your 6 year old to a liquor store to buy booze for his mommy?” Nah, that can’t be it.
These were fun little things. Especially that voodoo doll. Hmmm, I’m thinking that just might come in handy at work! Who wants me to plan something, again??? :p
This was more a gift from the hubs than from the kids, even though they gave it to me. It has my birthstone (amethyst) and the stone of the month in which we were married (October . . . not sure what that stone is). See what I mean? If it was more from the kids, I would think it would have their birthstones. But it is really very pretty. I have another amethyst necklace I got for my birthday that I haven’t worn yet. I need to get some amethyst earrings or something, cuz I don’t have anything to match these things. I don’t even have anything heart-shaped. Hmmmm . . . . .
And of course this very pretty mini-rose plant that my youngest informs me “we got from Giant.” Ahh, all the best roses come from Giant!
So, really, in the last week, I’ve kinda made out. Both the wonderful gifts from my blogging buds, a fantastic book, and the very generous and thoughtful gifts from my kids/hubs. I am a very lucky girl.
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Hi. Still there? Haven’t run away screaming from this super long and incredibly self-involved post yet? Still waiting for your chance to win something? Well, here it is!!!
.
Even though the pic does not do it justice, this is an awesome iPhone cover that looks just like a cassette tape. What’s a cassette tape you ask? First, if you are asking that, you are not old enough to be on the internet, so go take a nap and drink your bottle and leave this to the grown-ups. And second, it was a piece of plastic filled with this film type thing wherein music was imprinted, and you would put it into a player and listen to about 30 minutes or so of music before the tape ended and you would have to eject it, flip it over, and then play the other side for about 30 minutes. It was truly magical.
If you don’t have an iPhone, this is not going to mean anything to you, obviously, so I have something else for the rest of you:
Basically, you can choose which one you want. Even if you do have an iPhone and like this notepad better. If you win, you get to pick the prize.
Ok, so here’s the rules . . . in order to win one of these fab prizes, you must do one (or more than one) of these things:
1. Like my Facebook page (see all the way up at the top right of this page —^).
2. Follow my Blog (also up up up top there on the right).
3. Comment on this post. But not just any comment . . . I want you to tell me something that has made you happy lately. Something unexpected that brightened your day. Based on the comments I received on last week’s post, it seems that I am not the one who is dealing with the blues lately. But everyone has something that momentarily brightens their outlook for just a brief time. Even if you do return to the funk afterwards (but hopefully not). Share what it is that has recently made you smile, even if only for a moment.
I will pick a name in a couple weeks. Or make my kids do the dirty work for me, as usual. I mean, what good are they if they can’t take the brunt of all the loser’s ire, right?
Back on the Horse
14 May 2012 32 Comments
in Rants & Rages, Silly Boys, The Fam
Ok, guys. So . . . I’m still not exactly feeling up to this whole blogging thing as of yet, but I’m gonna try to jump right back in. Hold on tight, everyone. This may not be pretty. (And I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be a rambling mess, so there’s that!).
In the last week or so, my family celebrated two major milestones. Both my youngest son’s 4th birthday, and my husband’s fourty-somethingish birthday. Their birthdays are one week apart, and most years, the hubs’ birthday falls on, or very close to, Mother’s Day. So, suffice it to say it’s a busy time in the ole Laws household.
For my little one’s special day . . . which actually turned into more of an epic marathon of a special week . . . there was much celebration. It started with merely getting cupcakes for his class for the day before his birthday (as he would not be at school the day of, what with Dad taking off work and whisking him away for a fun-filled day at the zoo! In case you’re wondering . . . Mom didn’t go because she was due in court all day. Boo!). Then the next day involved mom going to the store to order the cake for his actual birthday party, which would happen on Saturday. Mom waited a little too long to get to the store and order the cake. But the store we order from is usually pretty good with their turnaround time, so mom was hoping this wouldn’t be a problem. Ha! Silly silly mom.
When I stopped by the store after work, the normal bakers had left for the day, and I was left to place my order with the fill-in new boy. Unfortunately, New boy (NB) really didn’t have a clue about cakes, baking, ordering or life in general it seemed. So, I asked if I could have a cake by Saturday. Nope, all booked. Well, how about if I get it Friday? Are you all booked Friday? Turns out, they were not. Score! Ok then, I would like to order this Spiderman cake. NB: Ok, let me check . . . . . nope, we don’t have the Siderman in the store. Me: Sigh. That figures. Lightbulb!! Ok . . . let me call the other store down the road and see if they can do it.
So I called the other store, and I’m told they are out of cakes until Saturday. That’s right, you heard me . . . a bakery that has no cakes. Not “we are all booked” or “we can’t do your cake” but OUT OF CAKE. Really not understanding that concept, but trying to move on, I asked the guy if they have the Spiderman, and if so, is there any way they can give it to me so this store (who does have cake) can use it as the decoration. The guy says he would have to call his boss. So I give him my number, and he calls me back within 5 minutes, telling me that his boss said they could just give it to me since this other store is going to use it, and I just need to come pick it up the next day. Yay!
Ok now, back to NB . . . Me: Can you make this design if I supply the figure for the top? NB: Um, gee, well, huh. I don’t really know. Me: Can you call your boss like the other store did and ask? NB: Well, I don’t have her number and can’t do that, but maybe if you go up front to the service desk . . . Fine. So I went up to the service desk, where I explained the whole scenario and tell the lady what and why I need it, to then find out that she also can’t call, and instead tells me to call the store and talk to the baker early the next morning. At this point, I have been in this store, trying to just order this cake, for almost an hour! And I still don’t have a cake ordered when I finally leave the store. Sigh.
The next morning, as I was instructed to do, I call the store and speak to a bakery manager who assures me that not only can they do the design, but she found a Spiderman in the store that they will use. Huzzah!! So, I order a quarter sheet cake because she tells me that it will feed 25 people, and I’m only having about 12 kids + a parent each at the party, so that should be fine, right?
Ok, so then comes the day of my son’s birthday. I’m in court all day while he and Dad are at the zoo, but when I come home I make him a special dinner (I told him he could have anything he wanted . . . this was the menu: Broccoli, pizza, chicken and tater tots), plus we had presents for him to open and a small cake so we could sing and blow out candles on his actual birthday.
Next day, I call back to the bakery to find out if I can double the cake order, realizing that I’m going to need a bigger cake, now that 3 more people RSVP’d at the last minute. They are family so technically I can’t kill them. Yet. This is when I find out that the store had already made the cake. On Thursday. For me to pick up on Friday afternoon. O-kaaayyyy?
This is when I remember having seen a cupcake cake, that looked like a lion, at the other store (the one I called and had the Spiderman held for me), where I stopped the night before to grab some balloons before going home to celebrate my son’s birthday. I called the store, again, and talk to a guy who is disbelieving that I saw that cake at his store, as it is a special order. “Are you sure it was this store?” Dude, I’ve been to 3 different stores in the last 3 days, and have to go to another one again tonight. You would think I would be deliriously confused by now, but I actually know what I saw and where I saw it. Can you check? The guy was still trying to convince me that I probably saw that at another store because they don’t have those on display to sell to the general public. As I’m getting frustrated with this asshole, I finally finally convince him, for the love of all that’s holy, to just GO CHECK. So he does . . . and comes back saying “huh, you’re right, it is there.” FOREHEAD SLAP. So, I ask him to hold it for me, and I call the hubs. “I have 2 cakes to pick up tonight at 2 different stores. Please pick one and go get it.” Which thankfully he did.
That evening, I made sure I had enough gift bags, all the plates/napkins/tablecloths for the party the next morning at the jumpy bouncy kid’s place that the party was being held at, and generally made sure I had all my shit together for the next day. Oh, did I mention my oldest had a Lacrosse game prior to the party? Yeah, so . . . that.
The party went off without a hitch, pretty much, so that was nice. But lest you think that was the end of the celebration, you would be sorely mistaken. This is when I had to start cleaning up my pigsty of a house because the next day was when all of our family members would be invading our home for cake and ice cream for my son. Oh, yeah. And another cake needed to be bought (actually, I had already bought a plain sheet cake and then just decorated it myself with “Happy Birthday 4″ in icing . . . this was the easiest cake yet).
So, once all of those festivities were over, I had half of 4 cakes left in my house, and an exciting week of work ahead of me! Oh joy!! Luckily, any food products, especially dessert type things, brought into my work, immediately get consumed, so I wasn’t worried about those leftover cakes at all.
But once that was all over with, I had to get ready for my husband’s birthday, which I thought we would celebrate on the actual day, but according to him it was his “birthday week” starting Monday, so pretty much FML. Although, luckily, we did not have to continuously celebrate his birthday for the entire week. Just the day of, with cake/presents and then I took him to a movie the next day to celebrate (I offered to take him to a nice dinner but he declined, stating dieting reasons). The movie was The Five Year Engagement, by the way. It was just meh. Definitely don’t waste your money in the theater. There were a few laugh out loud parts, but it wasn’t great. I would say it’s a wait until video movie, at the very least.
Anyway . . . so now I’m just tired and pretty worn out from all the running around and celebrating and hoopla and festivities. I need a break. At least my oldest’s birthday isn’t for another month. Yay?
Won’t You Take Me To . . .
11 May 2012 37 Comments
in Ma Peeps, Randomosity, Rants & Rages
. . . Funky Town.
As y’all may have noticed, I have not been blogging at my normal rate as of late. I am currently in a funk. I am feeling down, and stressed, and tired and just plain worn out. And when I get to feeling this way, there is just no funny. I have plenty of ideas in my head of things to blog about, but all of them somehow either seem boring to me, or would end up with me ranting about something. And really, that is no fun for anyone, right?
I feel dumb and selfish for walking around being all “woe is me” when no less than 3 friends are dealing with major physical ailments that they are rallying around like troopers. While there is really nothing “wrong” per se in my life. Regardless, I am still in this weird funky place that is holding me down and making me substantially less witty and entertaining.
Anyway, just wanted to catch you guys up on why it’s been quiet around here lately. I’m not sure when I’m gonna get over this non-blogging hump, but I promise I will try my damnedest to get back to my hilarious, witty, thought provoking and highly entertaining ways! (Where’s the sarcasm font when you need it?).
Weekly Whacked: Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes
04 May 2012 46 Comments
Well, technically this post is gonna deal mostly with the head and toes part of that, but I’m sure there will be some shoulders and knees in there somewhere. But for once, I am not focusing mainly on asses! Huzzah.
This woman had this insane multicolored mane of hair! It was ridiculous. It was like twice the size of her head! Below is a totally out of focus pic of it, but it gives you an idea of how much hair was there when she leaned forward:
Holy head of hair, batman!! Craziness.
“Oh shoot, it’s raining! And I forgot my umbrella, too. This darn rain is gonna mess up mah do! Whatever shall I do? Oh, I know!! I’ll just take this plastic bag and form it into a hat to protect from the rain. Brilliant!! Now this rain won’t mess up mah hair and I can continue looking gorgeous and put together. Problem solved!”
Wowza! That is some really very very red hair there. And what’s with the purple velour suit that clashes spectacularly with that dye job, huh? Oh no! I think she sees me. Run!
Ok, here’s the thing. I get that if you live somewhere like Texas, seeing a guy in a cowboy hat and boots along with a business suit is probably not out of the ordinary at all. But . . . despite the fact that technically we live below the Mason Dixon line, thus making us a southern state, we are actually very Northern and also very urban in this area, especially the city. So, seeing a real life cowboy/business man is indeed something to behold. Yee-ha, cowpoke!
Maybe she’s trying to match her hair to her dress, but the effect she is creating basically makes her look like she has an eraser on her head. Yikes.
Yes folks, that is in fact hair. Not a big red scarf wrapped around this girl’s head as I originally thought. That is the color she dyed her head of hair. Wise decision, yes?
Mr. Orange Hoody has this really long flowing beard that is just crazy! It was flowing in the wind on the boardwalk majestically, I might add. Lovely.
Granny Fro!! I just loved how the sunlight basically made this fro seem aglow. It was quite stunning. Go granny! Rock that fro.
Check out this dye job! I’m sure you would assume that this is probably some edgy young punk kid with this do, right? At least, that was my assumption at least. Here’s a side view:
Well, upon closer inspection (because I was fascinated with this look), she was actually a middle aged black lady. It was quite bizarre and totally incongruous. No wonder she was hiding behind that magazine!
This is a little of those knees I was talking about I guess . . . While also a bit blurry, you get the idea of the crazy outfit this one was wearing, including the patterned stockings with Uggs and a flowered skirt? Yeah, this was quite the ensemble.
Another blurry one . . . sorry! These were reptile patterned green clogs. Yeah.
Not sure how well these trippy psychedelic red platform shoes stolen from Elton John’s closet go with those green pants (or anything else about this tragic outfit), but I am sure Queen Elton would not approve!
This one is the whole package . . . and of course is heading off to court. She’s got the crazy two toned hair, the tight tan leggings and the super high multicolored (hey, they match her hair!!) platform shoes.
Check out the boots on this one!! Purple, pink, red . . . they are so major that they even need their own belt, apparently!! Sweet!
I saved the best for last . . . this one is purely magical!! This is the front view with, of course, the matching wildly bright and ginormous bag to go with these shoes. But wait! Here’s the view of the shoes from the side:
See??? Didn’t I tell you . . . fucking magical. These are practically big blue couches she is walking on. So very epic.
