Back in Whack

It’s been a long, long time.  I believe a Come Back Special is in order.  Prepare yourself for . . . the return of the Weekly Whacked!!

(And, I’m just realizing that this is actually my 200th post!  So, I guess a resurgence of the whacked is an appropriate celebratory event.  Huzzah!!).

This was a few months ago on my way to work, where I got caught behind SIX snow plows blocking the entire road and all progress of traffic moving forward.  While I applaud the county’s exuberance in combatting snow on the roads, I’m thinking that six plows across 3 lanes of traffic might just be a bit too much overkill, n’est pas?

Is this really what they need to resort to in advertising . . . man caves?  Oy.

This was so very whacked.  I personally watched as a woman walked up to the salad bar, grabbed these two containers, started putting lettuce in one, and then mumbled to herself that it was cheaper to just get plain lettuce, threw down the tongs, and then just walked away.  Just left this mess for someone else to deal with right there.  I was so surprised that by the time I got myself together, sadly she was gone.  Lucky for her.  I might have slapped her.  Ridiculous.

This one just snuck right up on me on the highway.  Imagine my shock!  Those damn fungi are sneaky little bastards.

You would see a lot of this around tax time this past April, but this one is just sorta sad.  He’s not holding a sign or gesturing or anything.  He’s just walking back and forth with the help of his cane.  Give Mr. Liberty a chair at least, people!

Can you say redneck?  Count the instances of references to Jeff Gordon.  Go ahead . . .

This was my tire.  So I sat on the side of the highway during rush hour traffic, in sweltering 95* heat, waiting for my Brother in Law to come help me change it.  I hate being a damsel in distress.  I really need to take one of those car maintainance classes!!

Pinkish/purplish type car.  It was much more vibrant in person.  In fact, I probably would have thought “Mary Kay car” if it wasn’t such a jalopy piled with an unbelievable amount of crap inside.  I think there is even a car seat buried in there somewhere.  Poor kid.

Which fact is more disturbing?  The fact that a grown-ass woman is driving around with this sticker on her car, or . . . the fact that I immediately recognized those symbols as New Kids On The Block?  Crap, it’s the second one, isn’t it?  Hell.

There are now pamphlets at the post office, warning people about online fraud.  Our tax dollars at work here, people.  Really, if you are dumb enough to send a Nigerian prince cash, then you deserve to lose all of your money.  Yep, I said it.

Not sure if you can tell, but her backpack has these colorful foam spikes all over it.  At least, I’m hoping they are foam, because otherwise that would be pretty painful to hoist around on your back.  Although, I imagine nobody would mess with you while carrying that thing.

This isn’t so much whacked as it is awesome.  I went to a wedding recently, and this guy was the DJ.  Check out the rad mustache/sideburns deal he’s got going on all up in there.  Love it.

And . . . the unexpected yet triumphant return of the Whacked is now in the books, y’all. 

((Throws down mike, making that thudding reverberation sound, and then walks off the stage))

The Whacked has left the building.  Thank you, thank you very much.  Good night!

(And that’s how we do 200).

Weekly Whacked: Sights & Sounds Around Town

You might have noticed a glaring lack of whacked posts as of late.  Truth is, I just haven’t been feeling very “whacky” lately.  When I mentioned to the hubs that I haven’t been doing a lot of posts where I make fun of the way people are dressed, he said that maybe I’m becoming a kinder, gentler Misty.  To which I thought . . . nah, that can’t be it!  I mean, come on, have you met me?  Pretty sure I would have to shuffle off this mortal coil for all of the snark to be gone from this here body of mine. 

But something is different, for sure.  I have pictures I could use for a whacked post.  A couple posts, probably.  Although I haven’t been taking a lot of pictures lately, I just chalk that up to it being winter and people dressing a bit more conservatively warmly in these bitter cold months.  The warm weather really brings out the crazies and their penchance for whacky outfits.  But I really think it’s more than that. 

I feel like something has shifted in me recently.  I just haven’t felt that mean and snarky spark that leads me to want to post pics to make fun of.  And you know me.  Usually, I own that shit.  “These are pictures I’ve taken of fashion travesties, and oh my god, what the hell was he/she thinking!!”  But I don’t know if it’s just winter doldrums, or the cold, or what.  I mean, maybe in the spring I’ll feel more spry and snarky and get right back into it.  Especially when people start shedding coats, and walk around wearing leggings as pants again!  But who knows.  We’ll see.

Maybe I am kinder and gentler.  Maybe this blog will start being all pictures of clouds and sunsets (and puppies and unicorns), and me talking about how I like myself, damnit!  Maybe that’s just who I am now . . .

Wait, where are you going?  Don’t leave me!  I can change, I promise.  I was just joking.  Just jokes, you see?  Funny, ha ha.  Right?  Hello?  Anyone still there?  Anyone . . . ? 

Crap.

Ok, fine.  I know what you came for.  I know what you want.  And I’m gonna give it to you, too.  Even if my cold black heart does pay the price for it.  So you can go ahead and blame yourselves as my soul plummets straight down to the fiery pits of hell.  I hope you are happy with yourselves.

I find it horrifying that these poor sub/wraps are forced to cave to societal pressure by not just being delicious, but also attractive.  I imagine some sort of augmentation surgery was involved.  I blame Hollywood.

Yeah, so I’m not sure if these are balls you are supposed to kiss, or balls that are supposed to kiss you, but either way . . . I’m thinking that’s a little pricey.  And also?  I’ll pass.

I WANT AN OWL TRUCK!!

Don’t worry . . . this was happening in the warmer months.  But still, there is not enough money in the world to convince me to stand on the side of the road in a green neoprene bodysuit holding a sign.  But at least he got to wear comfortable shoes.  Even if they don’t particularly complement his suit.

I got to see this beauty one morning as I was walking up the steps in my parking garage.  Apparently, somebody was doing more than just parking the night before.  I work in the classiest city.

When did food become so sexualized?  I feel like maybe there’s a class action suit here somewhere.  Hmmmm.

She was texting.  With both phones.  At the same time.  Yeah, I don’t even . . . there are no words.

It’s weird, because I would have sworn Pandas were a protected species, but apparently not.  Or maybe, it’s ok to grill them, but sauteing and fricasseeing are illegal?  Hmm, I think I need to read up on my endangered species laws before I make dinner tonight.  Wouldn’t wanna break any laws, ya know.

I’m gonna leave this open for guessing . . . what do you think this object is?  (Hint: If you said “Elmo’s schlong” you would be incorrect.  I think.)

I know it’s wrong, but I really wanted to buy an entire tub of these balls, and go home and shove them all into my mouth.  Don’t judge me.

See that step there on the right . . . that’s where the above pictured condom was discovered.  This freaking parking garage is getting more action than I am.  Damn.

Well, if you were paying attention, you might notice that while I did indeed do a whacked post, it was mostly making fun of objects and not people (green man and texting girl excepted, and I consider those more . . . situational).  It’s a win-win, you see.  You get snarky commentary about craziness I have snapped pics of, and I get to feel like less of a super mean asshole because I’m not making fun of anyone’s ass!  Ahhh, I’m getting the warm fuzzies all over.  And hopefully this will appease your insatiable thirst for blood.  You animals.

Weekly Whacked: Retail Ridiculousness

This very special edition of the weekly whacked will focus on some of the absurd things that I have encountered in stores and other varieties of tangible items that are just a little bit . . . WTF.

“Bubba cola . . . Refresh the redneck thirst in y’all.”  

“Bubba cola . . . The official drink of Hillbilly Handfishin.”

This is a pregnancy test . . . for sale at the checkout line at The Dollar Tree.  Yep, that’s right . . . the determination of whether or not you are with child will be made by a test that costs one whole dollar.  Grab it on your way out, along with that pack of gum and air freshener!

Also in the checkout line at the Dollar Tree . . . at home Marijuana drug test.  Side note:  the hubs just happened to be in this same store about a week after I took this picture, and thought it would be funny to buy this for me.  Oh hubs, you obviously have not been paying attention.  Have I seemed laid back and all “chill out, dude” and spaced out to you?  Not so much.  Having the munchies?  Yes, always.  But the angry, short tempered, highly stressed lady living in your house could actually use some ganja, rather than the need to be tested for it.

I love this liquor store.  Every time I walk by, they have a different quote or saying on this sign.  They definitely get points for creativity.

BY LAW, people.  They are serious about their temperature control.  You will not get colder beer, unless you are one of those lawless hooligans that go to underground beer chiller black market dealers.  What are you, heathens?

Also from the Dollar store (sensing a trend, hmmm?), is probably the worst musical recording in the history of musical recordings.  This is not even worth a dollar.  What a rip-off!

I just find something inherently wrong about peanut butter and jelly flavored vodka.  The flavors are out of control people!

I feel as if I will never comfortably sleep in a seat again, without this marvel of technology.  Available only in SkyMall, people.  Next time you fly, order up a couple and carry them around with you as you travel.  So handy!

These “pants” were lacy and translucent and actually for sale in a myriad of colors in a real store.  This is what’s wrong with society.  These things were just hanging there, innocent as can be, perpetrating the illusion that they are an article of clothing to be worn on your body.  Sigh.

These were sold in the same store.  Shockingly, not The Hootch Hut or Strippers R Us.

“Sexy Mother Pucker.”  While the name is hilariously creative, I don’t really get this stuff.  It’s supposed to pump up your lips?  With “lipswell” and “superfill?”  So, this is like some sort of faux collagen or something?  Weird.

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Seen anything bizarre or kooky in stores lately?

Weekly Whacked: . . . And Again!

Last week, I featured a bunch of pictures taken by my nearest and dearest bloggy buddies.  This week continues the submissions made by all of you eagle eyed peeps out there.  Let the games . . . continue:

Let us start where we last left off . . . with a few more pictures taken by our pal, Papagayita (she of the Travelling Booze Parade pics).

In whatever country this was taken, it is apparently common to have exotic animals as pets that, much like canine companions, enjoy the thrill of the wind in their face while riding shotgun in a car. 

This is a guide from some middle eastern land regarding the proper way to transport sheep.  DO NOT throw a sheep in your trunk, you guys! 

Another sign, this time from Thailand.  This one shows inappropriate clothing prohibitions.  I so very much need to hand out these things in Court.  It is vital.

Pretty sure this was a Penis Piñata.  I’m not sure that I really want to hit that and get the “prize” that comes out of it.

No no no, this is all wrong.  It should read Real MenS Loves Jesus.  Jeesh!

“FORMALY” Hot & Spicy Eyecandy

This was discovered in Jacksonville.  Such a good eye.  I wonder about a nail salon that prefers to use it’s “formal” name of Hot & Spicy Eyecandy.  If anything, I would think that would be it’s stripper name.  Maybe strippers are much more formal in Jacksonville.

Next we have two submissions from my good friend Andrea over at Maybe It’s Just Me.  Actually, to be totally honest, the pictures were taken by her son at their local county fair.  That boy is a ninja snap in the making.  I might have to take him under my wing and make him my apprentice.  You must foster that type of keen eye in the young!

This look encompasses almost everything I hate about current fashion trends . . . leggings as pants, bright neon head to toe outfit, shredded back tank top, weird Pocahontas head band thing . . . it is just all over wrong. 

According to Andrea, this was actually a pretty brisk day, with no pool or waterpark in sight.  Why are you wearing a bathing suit top to the fair, lady?  Then again, I’m being generous, because perhaps this is actually her bra?  Yeah, I would not be surprised if I discovered that was the case.

While Carrie, the original Cannibalistic Nerd, does admit that this in not the best picture ever taken, she tried, and has managed to capture the essence of this fashion don’t.  At first, she commented to me about the leggings as pants, but in this situation, I will actually allow it.  The shirts are long enough to cover the girly bits, so it’s ok.  It’s the fact that this girl is walking around out in public in what can only be construed as furry bedroom slippers that is the offensive choice.  WEAR SHOES.

This amazing picture was taken by Lynne from Laura’s Legacy. 

The weird loopy mohawk look is just soooooo two thousand and . . . . yeah, I’m not sure that this was ever a fashionable look.  Maybe she’s from the future?

Valerie (and her Flying Platypi) is weird and wacky and quite possibly legally insane.  Being that she is a bit touched (in the best possible way), she is a pro at scoping out the weird and crazy around her.  Those are her people, yo!  The following subjects were captured at her local Ren Fest:

Not sure what a spandex neon green bodysuit with pink skivvies has to do with the Renaissance, but apparently homeboy was trying to dress up for the occasion.

So tragic.  When one’s corset is so tight around your back fat that it creates a fleshy shelf of skin?  Loosen the strings a bit there, lady.  Nobody wants to see that.

Our final entries are once again from Cheri Laws, wife of Jeff over at Random Thoughts from a Random Guy.  She is a picture taking machine!

This woman was in her 60s if she was a day.  Sweetie, you are not a cute punk school girl.  Cut that shit out!

Besides the whole peeking thong issue here . . . how freaking high up on her back does that thong go???  Talk about dental floss.  Yikes!

And again with the crack.  It’s like an epidemic.  SAY NO TO CRACK, KIDS!

Oh dear lord.  There is just too much with this.  The lopsided blonde stripe of dye through his hearty afro.  The swim shorts that look like he walked into a closet containing all of the 80s and someone threw a grenade in there, imprinting his body with full neon shrapnel.  I’m not sure my eyes will recover from all of this.  I think I need a minute.

I like to think of this one paired with the one below.  Like Cheri happened upon the slowest moving marathon ever known, containing only pairs of octogenarians . . .

Or an Amazing Race for the senior set.  It would still be on CBS, though.  I mean, you already have your target audience.

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Well, that is all for our latest edition of reader submitted whacked.  Pretty good showing this time, eh?

I would like to take this opportunity to let everyone know why you have not heard from me much lately.  Except for this and last week’s whacked posts, which were in the works for a while, I have not blogged anything for quite some time now (for me, anyway).  I have been dealing with some major issues at my job which have kept me busy, angry and less than creative.  I have not wanted to just spew hatred and anger all over the blog, but that’s where my head’s been lately.  Add to that, this past week I have had a massive head cold which has left me devoid of energy, creativity and the will to do much of anything besides curl up and zombie out in front of the TV.  That is, when I wasn’t running around like crazy in court, coughing my brains out and looking like I’m about to drive a fat man in a red suit through the skies to deliver toys to kids. 

Basically, all of this has spiralled me into one big useless blob of non-blogging goo.  I apologize to all who have been checking in for new posts, and I am sorry that I have been disappointing you.  I am going to try my damnedest to get back into the game, starting next week.  Hopefully.  I love you all!

Weekly Whacked: YOU Strike Again!

Ok, cats and kittens. It is once again time for you to take over my site with your own representations of fashion faux pas out and about in your own neighborhoods around the globe. When I asked for submissions, y’all did not disappoint, and for that I am very grateful. Although, the rest of my readers might not be once they see what you have wrought upon their eyes.

The first is from my good friend across the pond, the infamous Social Assassin. He attended some type of crazy British music festival and took some pics of these gems:

Oh man. The skin tight stretchy cheetah print leggings as pants, paired with pink rain boots and knee high white socks? Oh yeah, this is a look.

Apparently, pink was the predominant color scheme of this here fest, and this gentleman is representing that theme splendidly.

I do believe that this pink fuzzy warrior man is having an intimate moment with this sapling. No no no no, sir. No matter how young and tender it looks to you, please do not molest this poor little tree. Do not fondle the wood.

These next pictures were sent to me by my friend Jen, but were actually taken at a gay pride parade in California by her friend Curtis.

I love that when dressing for the event, this person fully considered the theme, not just in tutu form, but in matching fishnet tights. Fabulous!

This is just so It’s Raining Men: The Lion King edition. Quite the ensemble.

Nothing but respect for this ladyman. Especially since shim is rocking the Baltimore Hon hair. Glorious.

This next item is from the lovely and talented Peg of Peg-O-Leg’s Ramblings.

She saw this in an airport and noted that it was a shame that this poor girl was walking around with the word misspelled on her shorts.

This lovely specimen of automotive eyesore was sent by my friend Anne over at Pretty Grievances.

Parked in front of a Chinese restaurant. I’m just gonna leave that one alone.

Next we have a few submissions from Cheri, who is actually the wife of Jeff Laws (my surrogate internet brother) of Random Thoughts of a Random Guy. They apparently enjoy watching the fashion inept at their local Walmart and take pics of the most outrageous. And what better place to send them then to me?

Hey look! It’s Rainbow Brite. The senior edition.

Well, that hair is Super ugly, that’s for sure.

This outfit leaves me speechless. I literally have no words. I don’t even know what this thing is.

I felt I needed to expose this problem. We will get our crack team of experts on it and hope to plumb the depths of this issue.

I received quite a few pictures from my new friend Papagayita, who as far as I know does not have a blog. But her travels exposed her to some of the goofiest sights throughout the world, and she has shared pictures of some of those experiences with us. Here we have some pictures from some type of wacky parade:

I’m feeling a certain connection to this parade vehicle. I wonder why that is. Hmmm . . . .

This parade vehicle brought to you by the good folks over at Mrs. Paul.

I need this. This is brilliant. Have booze will travel.

The Crapper Car. I tend to like a little more privacy when my port a potty is tooling down the highway, so I’d probably close the door at least. But that’s just me.

Hey look! I finally found him. Banana scooter Jesus. He was right here the whole time.

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I have more. Lots and lots more. Even from some of the people who I already featured above. The rest will be shown in next week’s whacked. So you’ll just have to wait for the rest.

Weekly Whacked: An Explanation

If you have been reading my blog for any period of time now, you are well acquainted with my Weekly Whacked series. If you are new, let me explain . . . occasionally, I will publish a blog post which is full of pictures of people I have encountered that are dressed oddly, sluttily, bizarrely or whackily. These are pictures that I personally take of people that I actually have seen out in public. I will then usually make some snarky commentary on each of the pictures posted. Occasionally, I will do a post of pictures submitted to me by my readers of people and things they have seen and taken pictures of.

This concept is not an original idea by any means, as magazines and websites have been doing articles and posts of badly dressed people for some time. I did not set out to do groundbreaking work. In fact, I never intended for this to become “my thing” when it started, it just somehow morphed into a regular occurence based on the volume of ridiculously dressed people I see in my day to day life. For better or worse, this seems to have become what I am known for out in the blogosphere. I have come to terms with that association.

My blog is a humor blog.  Most of what I post is done with at least the attempt to be funny.  The Weekly Whacked is supposed to be humorous and fun and silly.  It is not meant to make people feel bad, nor do I identify the individuals in the pictures by either name or face.  They are mostly anonymous and I have never believed that I was being unduly mean or nasty in posting these pictures.

However, I received a comment on last week’s post that accused me of exactly that.  It was from a person named “farewell” with no information linked to them to identify who they actually were.  I decided not to approve the comment for a few reasons.  First, once I approve a person’s first comment, they have free reign to comment forever more after that on my blog, per WordPress specifications.  I did not want to give this person that power.  Second, although I am all for dissention and free speech (no, I don’t require everyone to always agree with me or kiss my ass . . . although that would be nice, can we work on that?), it was more than just disagreeing.  It was hateful and mean-spirited in tone.  I do not want that on my blog.  And lastly, I was fearful that this person would be attacked by some of my well-meaning fellow bloggers/readers/friends, and the comment section would become a war zone, as I have seen on other blogs when someone shows up with negative and critical commenting.  I wanted to avoid that as well.

However, the comment did get me thinking about a few things, and I decided to deal with it instead by reprinting here, in a blog post.  I have printed it below in it’s entirety for all to see.

I think you should post pictures of yourself as you are so inclined to post pictures of others. think about it, you’d even KNOW the picture was being taken. i’m sure you’re doing this all in good fun but the fact is your idea of good fun is capturing people with out their knowledge and exposing them for what very may well be their insecurities. if i were to come across your page and find myself pictured i would be beyond horrified. if you were to have taken my picture and claimed my muffin top was charging towards you not only would i feel bad about myself but i’d feel like just living was in some way wronging others. i hope you aren’t raising your children to be as judgmental towards others as you are. i’m sure, as you have quite a few followers, that people will suggest i just ignore your blog if i don’t like it but i’m compelled to stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. you are either horrendously superficial or really insecure- maybe both- but the people who you are viciously putting up for PUBLIC display don’t deserve your scrutiny. perhaps you counter this with “it’s just my opinion” “they decided to dress that way i’m just giving my opinion”. okay, fine, please start sending me daily images of yourself in the public eye so i, and everyone else who gives a damn enough to, can give our opinion.

Now, besides the striking inability to capitalize, the problem with this comment is that I fear this person is just not understanding the tongue in cheek parody nature of my posts.  This person is offended on behalf of the crazily dressed people out there.  Maybe he/she is a tried and true leggings aficionado?  Who knows.  But it made me think about the pictures I take, what I post, and more accurately why I post them. 

Once the Whacked was established and I began actively taking pictures of people to post on my blog, I realized that I had developed an unspoken set of guidelines for myself.  Limitations, if you will, of those that I felt were not fair game for mockery on the Whacked.  These are the categories of people who I feel are exempt (with some exceptions, of course) from my weekly ridicule:

• CHILDREN - You will not find pictures of kids on my site.  With the rare exception of the possibility of a few crazily dressed teens (because a) they dress crazily always, and b) I don’t check IDs when stealthily taking pics), you will not find pictures of children on the site.
• PREGNANT WOMEN - This is more out of a sense of empathy than anything.  I’ve been there.  I know the feeling of being as big as a house and having nothing made by man that will possibly encompass your massiveness.  At that point, you just have to wear whatever you can and try to squeeze into some semblance of clothing until you pop.  They look insane sometimes, but they get a free pass.  It is not their fault.
• FATTIES - I will not post someone just because they are fat.  I have seen grossly overweight, even obese, people who are wearing sausage casing clothing because of their girth.  But unless it is size 6 leggings stretched over their massive bottoms or some insane blind person outfit, I will not post them just because they are fat.  I don’t think that’s entirely fair.
• HOMELESS/MENTALLY CHALLENGED – Obviously the clothing these people wear is crazy.  They put on whatever clothing they can find to stay warm/clothed.  There is a man who hangs out a block away from my office, who I pass every day on my way to court, who wears a reflective highway vest and tattered shorts and that is all.  He looks ridiculous.  But I think he’s a bit touched and I know he’s homeless.  I will not take advantage of that type of situation by ridiculing him on my site.  That just seems wrong to me.

So, as you can see, I do actually have some standards.  I’m not just an asshole pariah out there preying on the poor defenseless victims of fashion, and hoisting them about for all to see. 

Please tell me that you feel sorry for this poor soul, who was flashing her ass on a family beach for the world to see:

And are you seriously telling me that this girl dressed this way, and then thought to herself, “gee, I hope nobody looks at me!”

Or that this girl is walking around with a kaleidoscope on her head, hoping that she will go around completely incognito and fitting into otherwise normal society.

And how on earth could anyone avoid pointing out these amazingly bizarre shoes?

So, it’s your turn to weigh in now.  Am I completely horrid and judgmental?  Should I stop posting pictures of these unsuspecting targets, so as to not injure their already low self esteems?  Should I send “farewell” pictures of myself daily so that I can have constant critique of my own flaws and fashion sense?  What say you?

Weekly Whacked: Just Beachy

Ok, all.  We are going back to the beach, one more time, for some truly fabulous whackiness seen on my most recent trip down ‘e ocean, hon.  Strap in, y’all . . . it’s gonna get bumpy.

This just fills me with so much sadness, I can’t even tell you.  Dog in a stroller?  What has this world come to?

Oh good, the cap’n is here.  Ahoy, mateys!!

I think I’m having some sort of 80′s flashback with these outfits.  Yikes!  Hold me.

A small part of me is eternally saddened that I did not buy this for Jen.  I mean, $9.99?  A steal!!

This vagina-pantsed, muffin topped, pink nightmare was coming right at me on the boardwalk, y’all.  I am still scarred by it.  ((Shudder))

This poor child must have gotten caught in some vicious undertow that just plain shredded her entire outfit.  Tragic.

This was compliments of my youngest son.  He went bike riding one morning on the boardwalk, saw this in a shop and thought it was just perfect for his mom.  It was so hideous that the shopkeeper actually gave it to them, sans payment.  He made me wear it.  And he wouldn’t let anyone else wear it because “it’s mommy’s.”  How, um, sweet?

This was in front of an Italian restaurant.  Yeah, I don’t know.  But I’m getting a little concerned that replicas of Lady Liberty seem to be following me everywhere.  Is she a stalker?

What is wrong with people?  It was approximately 110* out and she’s wearing knee high black socks with sandals?  WTF.

This was at the top of the stairs on the outside deck of a very nice restaurant overlooking the bay and a pier.  I find it very sad that this sign was a necessity.

We only attract the very best talent here in Ocean City.  The classiest as well.

WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!

The following may cause cornea melting, retinal burning and/or brain scarring.  Proceed at your own risk.  Misty and all parties of Misty’s Laws are released from all liability for any injuries or mental damage incurred by viewing the underlying photographs.  If you choose to proceed, it is at your own risk and you therefore release Misty and Misty’s laws and all known associates and parties of Misty’s Laws from all liability henceforth.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Saw this as I was looking down the beach.  Wasn’t sure I was seeing what I was actually seeing, so I moved closer (after pointing it out to my family).  Once I got a bit closer, I realized that it was indeed a woman with the bottom half of her ass just hanging out for all the world to see.  Then she lifted her arms:

Those who dared proceed to view this . . . I am sorry for doing this to you.  But I had to share this magnificent find with the greater blogging world.  This kind of majesty must not be kept to oneself.  That would just be shellfish!  (See what I did there?  Huh?  Huh?  Sorry . . . I’ll stop now).

UPDATE:  Ok, since so many of you asked in the comments what she looked like without the “cover” on, I will share the following picture that I took later in the day.  She did actually have a bathing suit on under that thing.  Such sadness.

That’s her in the striped bikini.  She still hasn’t gotten the hang of the whole “pull your bathing suit out of your crack” mode of wearing her swimsuit, though.  But it does proove that there was actually something on her bottom under that red frock.  Even though, apparently, it had travelled so far up into her colon, that she was probably tasting stripes.  Blech!

Weekly Whacked: Second Installment

Last week, I posted the first half of the submissions I received from all of you good people out there.  Here, we will follow-up with the remainder of those wonderful pictures:

First, we have the wonderful Mandi, of Atypically Relevant.  Mandi is always ready and willing to capture the odd and bizarre things she comes across with the click of a camera phone.  This gentleman is apparently very secure in his manhood.  So secure that he would drive around on a violently hot pink scooter.  Hopefully he is just borrowing his girlfriend’s moped for some type of emergency.  Otherwise . . .

Jules, of Go Jules Go, is very concerned about the plight of unfortunate children.  She is highly offended by this mom’s obviously callous representation of her one-legged child on her family sticker display.  For shame, mom.  For shame.

These next submission are from Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi.  I’m really not sure if this is a backpack that just completely blends in to the color theme of her shirt, or if it is just a shirt with a picture of a backpack on it.  That is how well camouflaged this thing is.  And paisley is always a valid option. If you are going to wear tight hipster type jeans, couldn’t you at least wear something lacy and pink underneath, so that the rest of the world doesn’t have to be subjected to your grey grannie BVDs?  Cool, thanks. I believe Val must have stumbled upon a set filming for an early 90′s hip hop video staring Bel Biv Devoe, and this is one of the background dancers.  Then again, she does live in Jersey, so maybe this is just a typical outfit for a Tuesday.  Who knows?

Next we have a submission from Queen Gen.  This one has given me nightmares.  Prepare yourselves, folks: In a stunning reversal of fortune, little Sally showed up to the cupcake shop on opposite day, in which cupcakes actually consume people.  Run away, Sally.  That’s not a hug that cupcake is about to give you!  Run run away!!

Next we have multiple submissions from my friend Jen e Sais Quoi.  She took this first one and sent it over to me, saying that she thought of me when she saw it.  Huh . . . wonder why that is? Her parking lot is chock full o’ personalized plates.  This one is kind of clever, though.  And is making me really hungry! We weren’t sure if this was supposed to be “Sing to God,”  “Sing too good” or “Sign to God.”  I think if the letters on your license plate have too many interpretations to figure out what you are trying to say, you are doing it wrong. Please note the juxtaposition of the fish on the plate under the “water.”  I’m wondering if that was unintentional brilliance, or if they guy just really felt bad for the poor fishy being out of water. Phew!  I was so hoping that I could find someone like this.  I mean, I am terrible at poetry, so when I need an on demand sonnet or haiku, it is good to know there is someone out there that I can give money to for the creation of such a masterpiece.

This one is from Cheryl Soler.  Cheryl describes this one as a much older lady, with a crew cut, who was also wearing spike heeled boots, which are not shown.  It’s weird, because until Cheryl told me she was there, I couldn’t even see her with all that camo!

And last but not least, is this gem, taken by Lisa at Insignificant at Best.  I don’t even know what the best part of this ensemble is.  The white mesh see-through shirt with the shredded tassels hanging down?  Or the tattoos you can see lining the muffin top protruding over her oh so tiny shorts?  Most probably it’s the rainbow socks worn with sandals that really bring this outfit together.  Bravo, Lisa.  This one is a true masterpiece!

Weekly Whacked: First Submissions!

Once again, I have opened my home my blog to all of you good people out there, and had you all send me your very own submissions to be used for this week’s whacked.  And you did not disappoint.  Here they are:

Squirrel Car

The first of our submissions is from the very shutter happy and always eagle-eyed Jana of Shut the Front Door.  For this week’s whacked she has captured the always elusive, but frequently nutty Squirrel Car. 

BLK*GAL

I guess it’s good to let everyone know.  I mean, she’s proud to be a black girl!  Rock on, sistah.  Just be careful of the po-po.  You’re kinda making it easy on them to profile you, is all I’m saying.

Next we have a submission from my homegirl Becca, from I’m Pretty Sure That.  She caught this wonderful license plate, which is sort of unintentionally boastful about the driver’s sexual prowess:

C♥CKERS

Next is a shot taken on the move by Jaclyn of Nursery Rhymes and Curse Words.

I will let Jaclyn explain:  I think it would be less weird if the entire outfit was from an aerobics video in 1985, but the shoes and blazer with her hot pink, shiny lycra leggings was just about the oddest thing I’ve ever seen. 

And once again, children . . . leggings as pants = wrong.  I don’t care if you ARE in an 80′s work out video with Jane Fonda!!

Next we have Bill from The Authentic Life, who is always on the look out for scantily dressed menfolk to take pictures of.  To send to me, of course.  Only for that purpose, alone!

This was taken in Vegas, by the way.  So that makes a little more sense, right?

Next is Jayne of Ach du Lieber, Jayne.  She apparently happened upon some sort of biker rally (or maybe participated in?), and captured some truly exquisite sights:

 

Are bikers supposed to have faux hawks? Isn’t that a bit too un-hardcore?  Kinda the antithesis of the biker creed, no?

And then this gem:

Biker Barbie

And she was a good girl and made sure she waited to get the backside view as well:

Our next submission is from my good friend Red of Doesn’t Speak Klingon.  She happened upon these lovely items in a store near her newly relocated abode:

So, either she was in a some country and western type store that caters to rednecks, or was raiding Larry the Cable Guy’s closet.  Either way, there is some fine fashion in her area.

Red captured this one at a fair.  She was so fearful that this poor girl’s phone was gonna fall right out of her mesh see through pocket!!

I think this is the country fair version of matching jogging suits.  The couple coordinated with their black t-shirts, camo shorts and cowboy boots.  Awww, ain’t they just as cute as a sow’s ear? 

And following up on this look is Brett of The Transformed Nonconformist, who is Red’s boyfriend and was also at this same fair with her.  He captured this:

Yeah, wearing your cowboy boots with daisy dukes is really a look that never goes out of style, is it?  Hello?

Next is my good friend Leauxra of Does This Make My Blog Look Fat.  She captured some very interesting items:

That is some mad skill right there, y’all.  Just riding along on his unicycle, off to work or school or maybe his job as a stripper?  But that takes some major concentration to ride on that thing, I’m sure.  Too much to remember to wear a shirt, apparently.

I will freely admit that when Leauxra sent this to me, I totally didn’t get it.  Then she explained that Cthulhu is a character from one of H.P. Lovecraft’s stories.  I have not read much (any?) Lovecraft, so I was totally in the dark.  Apparently, he is the ultimate evil creature.  So there you go.  Now this makes perfect sense!! 

This next one is from my good friend Thoughtsy from Thoughts Appear.  She caught a pic of this sweet young thang just walking along in her best short, sparkly, off the shoulder dress, clunky heals and shiny turquoise purse:

The thing is . . . according to Thoughtsy, this was not a young thing at all, but a woman in her mid-60′s.  Rock on, slutty gramma!!

—————————————————————————————————————-

I realized mid-way through doing this post that I have just too many submissions.  Yeah, I’m a really good planner like that.  Shut it.  So, what I am going to do is make this a 2-parter.  This will be our first installment of submitted pics, and next Friday I will post on the rest of the awesome submissions.  So Val, Jen, Mandi, Gen & Jules . . . I have not forsaken you or your fantastic submissions.  I will show them next week, I promise!

But what this also means is that you have more time!!  I will give everyone until next Wednesday, June 27th, to send me any other pics you might have or will take between now and then.  Get those cameras out and start snapping.  With this ridiculously hot weather we are having (at least in my area), there are some fine specimens of nearly clothed people.  Document that shiz and send it on over.  mistyslaws at gmail dot com.

Weekly Whack-up

Ok, so this post is sort of a cop-out.  It’s not going to be your normal crazy pictures of deranged mirror-deprived people post.  It has been an absolutely insane week, and I just don’t have the energy or brain power right now.  As you may have noticed, I didn’t even post on Wednesday, which is my norm.  I have been in court, and had trials pretty much all week, and I am just zapped.

What I will do is fill you in on some of the happenings from my own whacky world that have occurred this week.  Because, although I have been super busy with work and other stuff, that doesn’t mean I haven’t experienced some noteworthy blogworthy events.  And of course . . . with a few pictures.

I will start by saying that my husband has been away on a business trip since last Thursday.  He returns this afternoon, so don’t get any ideas you crazy stalkers!  Plus, my kids have been with their grandparents since Saturday, and do not return until this Sunday.  So I have been all by my lonesome all week!  Lest you think I’ve just been lounging around, watching TV and eating bon bons, nothing could be farther from the truth!!  I am a very busy lady with a packed full social calendar, thank you very much!  Actually, I have taken the opportunity, whilst my entire family is travelling the world without me, to do some things I cannot normally do while they are here.  You know, exciting things.  Like . . . go to a viewing after work.  Then go to the gym in the evening after that.  Go grocery shopping afterwards without worry of having to get home and feed anyone.  (All of that occurred Monday night).  Run errands all by myself on a Saturday afternoon.  I know you are jealous.  I am living the glamorous life.  I’m all Fergie-like and shit.

So, yeah . . . Monday was a full day of working, then going up north of the city to go to a viewing for one of my secretaries’ mother (sad . . . but she was very old and it wasn’t unexpected.  Still sad, though), then I stopped at a new gym on the way home (thinking of joining . . . not so sure), then going next store to Giant to grab some food for the week . . . for just me!!    Yeah, so I got home late on Monday and was pretty tired.

As I was driving through the city to get to the viewing, I got to drive through some really very Baltimore kind of areas.  The thing I love about this city is that it is made up of so many different types of neighborhoods, just haphazardly thrown together.  I know this is not unique to my city, but I love driving through certain areas where one minute you see this:

Run down and boarded up row houses.

And this:

Stoop sitting next to a vacant row house.

And then move on to this:

Tree lined street.

And this:

Beautifully upkept attached homes.

This is the city in which, depending on which direction you are coming from, in order to arrive at the best hospital in the entire nation, and one of the top 5 in the world (Johns Hopkins), you literally have to drive right through the center of the projects, which is merely a block away from the hospital.  Such incongruity.  But I love it.

So, that was Monday.  Moving on to Tuesday . . . Tuesday really started with a bang!  Well, not literally.  It was more like a fizzle.  You see I was all ready to actually leave my house on time for once on Tuesday morning.  I got in my car, pulled out of my driveway, and realized something was wrong.  I felt like I was leaning back a bit too far and the car just wasn’t driving quite right.  So, I turned around in the next available driveway, came back to my house, got out of the car and discovered . . . a flat tire.

Now, you would think that me being a modern day warrior woman, I would have no problem with a little old flat tire.  That I would grab that spare out of the trunk, get the jack, change that sucker and be off to work.  But sadly, no.  Tire changing is just one thing I never learned how to do.  I have always wanted to take some sort of basic automobile maintenance class, but have just never done it. 

So there I am . . . stranded in my driveway.  Due in court in an hour.  Way too far away from any service station to drive the car there.  Husband in Brazil.  Nobody around me.  So, I call my brother-in-law.  He is already at work, unfortunately, but he makes some calls and the next thing I know, his daughter is pulling into my driveway in her car, with her mom trailing behind, so that I can use her car for the day and get my ass to work.  I arrived a mere 45 minutes late and was able to be a productive member of my office that day.  And thank goodness for that, because otherwise, who would have dealt with the stupidity of my trial that day!

Bonus was that my brother-in-law got out of work early, drove to my house, changed my tire and then took it to the Tire shop where they took the NAIL out (yikes!) and patched it up.  Hmmm, a nail?  I’m wondering if I acquired that beauty somewhere along here the previous afternoon:

What was even better was the happy hour we went to after work that day!  The original plan was for me to meet my brother-in-law and sister-in-law at this mexican joint they frequent for happy hour after work.  In fact, when I called bright and early in the morning, my brother-in-law said he first thought I was calling to tell him I was looking forward to getting together that night.  And although I was looking forward to that . . . well, you know why I called.

So, we still decided to go to happy hour.  I seriously needed a drink after that day.  Did I mention it was pouring rain the whole day as well?  Yeah, fun times.  But, not only did I need a drink . . . I figured this would be the perfect way to pay them back for their help that day.  Drinks and apps on me, guys!!

What I didn’t realize is that I would meet the love of my life at this mexican bar.  I never expected it.  Things were going smoothly.  We were chatting, they ordered some apps along with their normal drinks, including one for me.  That would be a half price fish bowl margarita.  It was the size of 2 1/2 margaritas.  Aye carumba!

Yes, that is a gummy fish floating on top.

And then I saw him.  It wasn’t love at first sight, I’ll tell you that.  He was a normal looking sort.  I’ve seen the same type before.  And although attractive, he was nothing outstanding to look at. 

But that all changed once I delved deeper.  He made me feel all gooey and melty inside.  I realized that he wasn’t just another ordinary everyday cheesy guy.  No way.  He was bold.  He was rich.  He was a little spicy.  He was delicious.  I love him so!  And I will never feel the same for anyone or anything again.

His name is Queso.  We will run away together and have beautiful creamy and delicious babies!  I just can’t help myself.  I ache for his cheesy goodness.  I want him inside me over and over again.

It was a tough text to have to send to my husband, but I really felt he needed to know.  I mean, when a love is this strong, nothing else can compare.  He took it well.  I mean, we had a good run.  But he understands that I just Camembert to be apart from my new love. 

Oh, and did I mention that in this little mexican joint, we were in the presence of a celebrity?  Yep.  I got to meet a superstar:

It’s THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD!!  Although, I will say . . . he may be interesting.  But he’s also kind of a creeper.  Just stood there in the corner watching everybody all night.  It was a little freaky, I won’t lie.

Moving on to Wednesday . . . I actually got out of my driveway and drove all the way to work without any car incidents.  Huzzah!  Then . . . more trials.  Gah.  But that’s ok . . . because I had something to look forward to that night.  Dinner with Thoughtsy!! 

I was meeting Thoughtsy for dinner because her birthday is fast approaching and I wanted to give her a present I had picked up for her a couple weeks ago.  It was the perfect present for her and I knew she would love it.  So I couldn’t wait to give it to her.  (She did in fact love it, by the way.  So much so, that we might actually be engaged now.  I’m not sure.  There were a lot of “I love yous” thrown my way.  Oh, and you’ll have to go ask her what the gift was). 

And of course, as we were waiting for dinner to arrive, we decided to imbibe a few cocktails.  We both opted to try their Key Lime Pie Martini.

I will neither confirm nor deny that we each had 2 of them.  But I will confirm that they were super delicious!

I also learned a few tidbits about Thoughtsy that I am going to share with you right now.  A little peek into her world:

1. Her ears are not pierced.  So, if you are thinking of wooing her with jewelry, skip the earrings.  Diamond necklaces or rings are still fine, though.
2. She doesn’t like spicy food.  I forgive you.
3. Although she thinks she is no good at trivia, she will save your team by her knowledge of The Simpsons!  Although we still lost miserably.  Neither of us know presidents, math, golf or american flag trivia.  Boo.
4. She finds she has to buy many more breakfast food items now that she lives with 3 boys.  Protect the Pop-Tarts, Thoughtsy!!
5. She’s not a burger fan unless she makes it herself.  It was some sort of Burger special night.  Not that our clueless waitress informed us of that or anything.  Nor did she have a dessert menu.  Or a candle (sorry Thoughtsy, I tried!).

The only cool thing that happened on Thursday was that I got to see (and HEAR) the Blue Angels practicing some runs around my city, preparing for an upcoming event this weekend.  It was pretty cool, and there wasn’t a lot of work getting done Thursday afternoon because of it, let me tell you.

JUST caught them before they disappeared behind the building.

.

It’s the little V in the middle there.

Well, that’s about it.  Nothing for Thursday night.  It is my one day of just vegging after work before the hubs comes home.  (I had plans to go to dinner with a friend but they fell through).  Plus, I am taking a personal day on Friday to run around and do some more errand type things, along with trying to clean out some things in my house before my boys return on Father’s Day.

Happy weekend everyone!!  And Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there.  Especially to both my own dad and to my hubs, the dad to my boys.  Love you!