Hello all. I am back from a lovely vacation with the extended fam, and I am feeling quite refreshed. Although I am back at work, and let me tell you that while I was away, Shit Went Down. I will get into that at a later date. Anyway, as to the vacation, it was quite relaxing, but also busy with the beach and rides and mini-golf and steamed crabs and general mayhem which ensues when a majority of my hubby’s crazy family inhabit one place for an extended period of time. Fun times though.
One of the very interesting things that I saw (oh, and there were many), was this sign which was posted at the beach. I found it quite intriguing for many reasons.
Now, I don’t know if any of you have ever been caught in a riptide, but those are mean muthers. They will suck you down into a vortex of wetness, disorient your ass, and if you are lucky, they spit you back out at some point when they are done with you, or if you are really lucky, someone will see that you got sucked under and grab your arm to pull you out at that last possible second (this happened to my niece many years ago). From my understanding, it is a scary and possibly deadly occurence, and it is very difficult to just get out of it when you attempt to.
But, according to this sign, it sounds like just a gently lapping wave that is massaging your nether-regions and might be just possibly a bit annoying. I mean, if you could just relax and not fight it, all will be ok. Also, just merely swim out of it, for christ sake! If that fails, calmly wave your hand in the air so that an oh so helpful lifeguard can come to your rescue. Possibly running down the beach in slow motion in a skimpy swim suit and very large and bouncy surgically enhanced breasts. Or David Hasselhoff. For the ladies, you know.
Now, based on this advise, I have come up with some more helpful advice for another possibly life threatening event. I give you . . . Fire Safety:
IF YOU HAPPEN TO FIND YOURSELF ON FIRE . . . .
TO PUT OUT THE FIRE:
- Run as fast as you can to the nearest body of water. A lake, an ocean or large pot of water will suffice.
- Dunk your entire body in the water, but be careful not to mess up your hair or make up. You will want to look good for the doctors in the emergency room.
- If you cannot find a body of water, just gently lick yourself until the fire goes out. Saliva is in fact a liquid.
- If you cannot put yourself out in a timely manner, try to find some marshmallows and a stick, and enjoy a lite snack while you wait for someone to call the fire department. Don’t eat too many though, because you will want to look good for the possibly attractive firemen.
- Also, look on the bright side . . . you will now have a killer tan to show off amongst all your beach going friends. No more pasty white skin for you! You are a brown (maybe a bit charred black) goddess. Enjoy!!