Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part 4

We were watching some movie with a red robot being chased by some other robot, and he says this:

If that guy was being chased by bees, they wouldn’t be able to see him.  Bees can’t see red.  That’s a fact!

Who am I to argue with facts?

He went on a field trip to the Science Center, and apparently they watched some video about beavers.  Being very pleased with himself, he told me that he said this to one of the mom chaperones at the time:

Is the beaver going to have the body of a beaver, and the head of Justin Beaver?

Sitting at dinner, he starts singing this little ditty:

I’m almost done with my wine and whiskey . . .

To which I was like, “what the what?”  I’m really hoping those are song lyrics he heard somewhere that he was just repeating, and not that he is trying to tell me he needs a refill.

He was being really sweet one night, and kept hugging me and telling me he loved me (to which, of course, my first thought was, “what did you do?”), and at one point he is hugging me and says:

I love you mommy.  Can you unmarry daddy and then marry me?

I was like, “Um, no.  That is so not how this marriage thing works.”  I mean, unless we are trying to replicate a Greek tragedy, but I’ll pass on that, my little Oedipus in training!

And apparently he is into this play on words thing lately, because we were talking about a book fair that is happening at his school, and I asked him if he gets to go, and he says:

NO.  Only the 2nd graders get to go.  And that’s NOT book FAIR!

He just thinks he’s so freaking clever, that one.  Stinker.

Hot for Teacher

In the wake of the Penn State scandal, which is in the public consciousness and has prompted a huge reaction in advocating stronger laws and penalties to protect children from abuse, there is a story that you might have missed.  This happened a few weeks ago, before the Sandusky story blew up in the press, but it has some tie-ins and I wanted to mention it.

My husband and I were talking a little while back and he asks me, “hey, did you hear that story about the female teacher who is going to jail because she had sex with some students?”  I had not heard of it.  So he tells me the story:   “Apparently, she had orgies at her house with some of the 17 year old boys in her school and now she’s going to jail.  The parents of the boys testified that it made the boys depressed and they were having severe emotional issues because of her actions.  I think that is crazy!  (the hubs still talking here, please note).  When I was 17, if a hot teacher had wanted to have sex with me, I would have thought I had won the lottery.  I never would be depressed or have anxiety afterwards.  That is a young boy’s dream!”

So, here’s the story . . . a female gym teacher from Ohio, Stacy Schuler, invited some boys to her home after a football game, started drinking and supplying alcohol to the boys, and then initiated sex.  This happened numerous times with a few different boys, most of which were around 17 or 18.  Ohio law allows sex with anyone over 16, but it is illegal to have sex with a student.  She was recently convicted of sexual battery and given a 4 year sentence.  She actually pled insanity, and her defense was that she was drunk and had some psychological issues (they also blamed her veganism), and that she did not have the mental capacity to understand what she was doing was wrong.  This defense was rejected out of hand.  Being drunk and a vegan is apparently not a sufficient reason to qualify for insanity.  Go figure.

Stacy Schuler

Read the full story here.

And I’m sure everyone remembers Mary Kay Letourneau (now Mary Kay Fualaau).  She was a 35 year old teacher who had sex with a 12 year old student of hers, Vili Fualaau.  She was convicted of 2 counts of 2nd degree rape of a child, but only received 6 months of incarceration.  It wasn’t until she was released, violated the conditions of her parole (no contact with Vili Fualaau . . . which she violated spectacularly by having sex with him in the back of her car), that she was sentenced to 7 years of incarceration.  While this entire scenario is completely abhorant and I don’t think anyone would think that it was a sexy hot for teacher moment, she had 2 children by this kid, married him when she was released, and they are still together after all these years.  So, was it fate that they be together?  Does their love transcend all age differences (still totally yuck)?  Was it true love?

I guess my real question here is this: are there others out there that feel as my husband does, that if a hot female teacher has sex with teenage boys, it shouldn’t be a crime?  That it is every young boy’s dream, as indicated in Van Halen’s Hot for Teacher

Two weeks ago, Glee featured that very song on their show, sung by Puck who is lusting after his teacher, and has actually kissed her on the show.  The teacher is probably supposed to be in her 30s on the show, while Puck keeps indicating that he is 18, so it is legal (he’s probably about 30 himself in real life).  But is it the same as Stacy Schuler?  That it’s not about whether he is of age or not, but really the teacher/student relationship that makes it illegal?  In the show, of course, it is just a fun reason to sing Van Halen, but in real life, should it be ok?  Apparently, according to my husband, it should be.

I know he is not the only one who thinks this.  I still think it’s not ok, and apparently Ohio law agrees with me.  But it does seem like there is a definite double standard when it is male teacher/female or male student vs. female teacher/male student. 

What do you think?  I’m looking for some of my guys to respond to this as well.  I really want to know what your thoughts are about this phenomenon of Hot for Teacher vs. Don’t Stand So Close to Me.  Please weigh in . . .

In Memoriam

I just want everyone to know that there will be no post today.  I was working on something this weekend about sex scandals, et al. but I will not be posting that, nor anything else this week.  I have no funny in me right now.

My mother in law passed away this past weekend after months of hospital stays, rehabs, testing, MRIs, medications and family prayers.  She finally let go of all the pain and struggles associated with this cold, dark world, and is at peace.  Although I am not religious and am not sure I even believe in God or Heaven, if they do exist, she is up there right now, because she was one of the kindest, sweetest, most decent people I have ever met.  I’m sure she would qualify for angel status immediately.  She was a second mother to me and will be missed deeply by all that knew her.

Her and my Father in Law have lived with my family for the past 10 years in their own basement apartment.  For years, I would send the boys downstairs to see their grandparents when I got home from work so that I could get dinner ready.  She was a doting grandparent, with a kind and giving heart.  She was always there when we needed her and was a loving presence in our home.  My kids loved her so much and are going to miss getting squeezes by grandma the most.  My heart aches for their loss as well.  

She leaves behind her husband, 5 children, with 5 sons/daughters in law, 1 brother & sister in law, 12 grandchildren and 6 great-grandchildren.  She will be greatly missed by all her family and everyone who knew her.  She was a really special lady, and I loved her so much. 

Rest in Peace, Pat.  We miss you, but know that it was your time and you are finally at peace. 

I will be out of commission this week with the arrangements and viewings/funeral and then thanksgiving, but will return next week with a post on monday, I hope.  I will also catch up with all your posts at that time as well.  Hope everyone has a happy holiday.

Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part Three

We were driving somewhere, and he asks me:

6:  Mom, why do cars have numbers that go up to like 200?  Does anyone ever drive that fast?

Me:  I don’t know why they do that.  Nobody drives that fast, normally.

6:  Oh, I know a possible reason . . . like when a lady gets pregnant and her belly gets really big and the daddy has to drive her to the hospital, maybe he would drive that fast to get her there.

Me:  Maybe, but I don’t think they would drive quite that fast.

6:  How fast did daddy drive you to the hospital when you were having me?

Me:  I’m not sure.  I was kinda busy getting ready to have a baby.

Later that night, he lost a tooth.  It was getting pretty late at night and he was still not in bed and I was teasing him by saying, “I hope the tooth fairy doesn’t come right now and see your light still on and pass by and go to another kid’s house who has already gone to sleep!”  So then he starts praying, out loud:

6:  Santa Claus (whispering to me:  I know he can hear me) Please make it so that the tooth fairy waits to come while I’m sleeping.  Please, Santa.  Please.  Please.  Please!!

I love that when my kid prays, he prays to Santa.  There is hope for my kids yet.  🙂

We were, once again, watching X Factor (yes, that is in fact the only thing I do with my son.  What?  It’s bonding time), and his favorite singer is about to come on . . . Astro.  In case you don’t watch the show (I so do not blame you), he is this 14 year old rapper, who is pretty much a punk kid.  My son loves him, though.  Anyway, he is about to start singing, and my son says this:

“Oh, it is ON!”

Then, as he starts singing, my son says, “if he was on Dancing with the Stars, he would definitely get 3 10s from the judges.”  See?  I don’t just watch X Factor with him.  We also watch Dancing with the Stars.  So :p

The episode we were watching just happened to be one I had previously taped that week, and we were watching it on a Sunday afternoon, and after a while, it seemed that my son had a revelation, so he turns to me and asks:

“Shouldn’t we be watching football right now?” 

Ah, he is a boy after all.  And the answer was quite obviously NO since the Ravens didn’t play until 4:00.  Pfft.  Silly boy.

MY Freebie List

Well, you’ve seen the hubs’ list, so now it’s time for mine.  But before I reveal my 5, I will share with you what the hubs thought, after knowing me for 15 years, was my list.  Of course he went for the funny at first.  His first choice?  Abe Vigoda.  Ha ha, he’s old and irrelevant.  Very funny, hubs.  Then I told him to get serious and he could only really truly think of 3.  One of which was a definite possibility and will be discussed below.  The other 2 were Matthew McConaughey and George Clooney.  Um, no.  And, really hubs?  Really?  Fifteen years together and that’s the best you can do?  A drugged out, hang-10, bongo playing crazy dude and my grandpa?  Sigh. 

Anyway, without further ado, here is my actual list.  Let’s do this . . .

1.  Bradley Cooper

I have always thought he was a very attractive man.  When I first saw him on Alias, I thought he was adorable, even if at the time, like Sydney Bristow, I thought Vaughn was the obvious choice for “man I would choose to sleep with in a millisecond.”  Poor Will.  Then, I watched him again in a couple episodes of the very briefly run Jack & Bobby, followed closely by the next cancelled-too-early show, Kitchen Confidential.  He played the main character, Jack Bourdain, and he was quite a sexy bad boy, which made me see him in a different light.  However, he wore his hair super short in that show, and I like my Bradley much more tousled than that, thank you.  Then I thought he was hysterical when he played the asshole boyfriend in Wedding Crashers.  But it wasn’t until his very recent turn in the second installment of The Hangover that I realized how freaking hot and steamy he actually is.  Something about him in that movie just got my juices flowing, and now I am all about the Bradley Cooper.  Now if he would just stop dating all those skanky broads, he might be the perfect man.  Call me, Bradley!!

2.  Johnny Depp 

(c) Mathew Rolston

This one goes back to his Jump Street Days.  I have had a major crush on this man since I was a teenager, and that crush has never wained. 

He IS just happy to see me. (c) Bonnie Schiffman

I continue to find him sexy & bizarre & talented & eccentric & beautiful.  He is just so odd and gorgeous that I can’t help but love him.  Even when he’s playing a pirate and wearing more eye make-up than a Vegas stripper.  He has an unhealthy fascination with playing whacked out characters in freaky Tim Burton movies, but still, my adoration remains.  He is just the sexiest and most crush-worthy man I have ever laid eyes on.  Le sigh.

3.  Ryan Reynolds 

I know this probably seems like an obvious choice.  He is one hot and sexy (and thank you jeebus) usually shirtless man, so obviously he would be on the list, right?  Well, I don’t know if you have noticed the theme so far of this list, but I fall for guys early in their career, usually on TV, and then the world starts to discover how steamy my picks are and just jumps right onto the back of my own personal bandwagon of lust.  That’s ok, guys.  I’ll just keep being a trailblazer of picking the future hotness for women everywhere.  No thanks necessary.

Ryan was on 2 Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (before it shortened itself into the much easier 2 Guys and a Girl), when he was young and adorkable.  And yes, I know this wasn’t his first foray into television, but I’m not from the great white north, y’all, so that was my first experience with him, and not Fifteen.  Plus, that was Canada, so it totally doesn’t count.  Anyway, after the show, he starred in Van Wilder, a goofy National Lampoon’s movie.  Then he did a few indie flicks, Waiting . . ., Smokin’ Aces, etc.  But then . . . Blade:  Trinity.  This is when the current physique of Ryan Reynolds was born, when he was required to bulk up to be all ripped and man-meatish for this flick.  Thank you Blade:  Trinity.  Since then he has been starring in bigger and better films, and now he is a household name and a super hot commodity.  And completely gorgeous and drool-worthy.  Oh, and did I mention his abs?

But just remember, I saw him first.  I’ve got dibs.  Hands off, ladies. 

4.  Charles Kelley

I would bet dollars to donuts (mmmm, donuts) that most of you have never heard of him.  But, as has been previously mentioned, I am a fan of a good bit of country music.  Mr. Kelley is a part of the country band Lady Antebellum, which unless you are living under a rock, you have probably at least heard of.  He’s kind of like what would happen if Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling had a baby . . . a Ryan squared.  He is just so adorable and there is something about him that just gets me all steamed up.  He is yummy.  He’s also close to 10 years my junior, unlike the rest of this list, so lusting after him kind of makes me feel like a dirty grandma.  But I’m ok with that. (ok, I just looked and he actually just turned 30, but he’s younger than my little brother, so it’s still kind of icky.  Still fine with it, though).

Plus, when he sings, I am totally mesmerized.  There is just something about him as a performer.  Maybe it’s the groupie effect, but he is so soulful and sexy when he is up on that stage and I can’t help but want him to be singing to me when he croons, “I just need you now.”  Now, then, tomorrow, last Tuesday . . . whenever you say, Charles.  Whenever you say.  I’m there baby.

Ok, here’s where I had a problem.  Like the hubs, I had a wee bit of an issue with coming up with my #5.  It’s not that I couldn’t think of anybody.  It’s just that there were too many somebodies that placed about equally in my mind to figure out who to pick.  Here are some of the possibilities . . . the first is the one the hubs came up with:

Eddie Vedder

He is an obvious choice for me as I have loved him and his music for 20 years.  Pearl Jam is my favorite all time band and I have been crushing on Eddie for as long as I knew he existed.  Apparently when I start to crush on you, I am yours for life, suckers.  So deal.  Anyway, he was this young, fearless, high-energy, long haired, grunge singing rock star and I just fell head over heels.  This is the Eddie I first lusted after:

Fearless and crazy. Loved me a bad boy.

However, even though I still love PJ’s music, Eddie has morphed from that young exuberant rock star, into a more middle aged activist dad folk singer, which is not quite as much of a turn on.

Don’t get me wrong, he is still an attractive man and I will always love PJ, and let’s face it, I am also 20 years older and less sexy than I was when I was a cute young thing, so I’m not blaming him for growing up or anything.  But I just don’t know if I would want to sleep with him anymore.  So sad when the lust dies.

So, let’s move on to my next possibility . . .

John Cusack

This one goes way back as well.  Not as far back as the early 80’s when he was a scrawny little geek in movies such as 16 candles, Better Off Dead and One Crazy Summer.  But definitely back to 1989, when the world was first introduced to Lloyd Dobler (Lloyd Dobler, alright!), and I fell hard for that sweet kid with the boombox over his head.  A good friend of mine used to invite me over to her house so we could watch the movie, over and over and over again . . . and drool over that super cute guy.  We actually knew every word to that movie and fell in love with Lloyd all over again every time we watched.  We were teenagers, after all, so what else did we have to do but watch movies and swoon over cute boys.

Since then, both John and myself have gotten older and grown up into bigger and better roles.  I no longer swoon over cute boys and he is a famous movie star who has been in many interesting and dramatic films.  So, same thing really.  I have always appreciated him as an actor, and he has rocked it out with his performances in faves such as High Fidelity, Grosse Point Blank (not a great movie, per se, but he is great in it), Con Air, Being John Malkovich (a truly twisted tale which he also rocked), Identity and most recently, Hot Tub Time Machine (which I did not see, but heard was hysterical).  The problem with all this maturity and growth in his acting career is that he has grown up as well.  Instead of that trench coat wearing adorable boy above, the current John Cusack looks more like this:

While Lloyd Dobler will always hold a place in my heart, John Cusack on the other hand has just gotten old and kind of puffy.  Not really list-worthy at this point, unfortunately.  Sorry, John.

Ok, so this is harder than I thought.  But I have to pick.  So here it is:

5.  Dermot Mulroney

This might seem an odd choice.  Especially since I’ve been going on and on above about not picking people because they have aged and are now too old to be list-worthy, when Dermot is actually racing towards 50 right now.  50!  But he still looks good for his age and he has never lost his sex appeal, as far as I’m concerned.  Strangely enough, I can never remember his name.  I always want to call him Kyle McDermot or even Kyle McLaughlin.  I don’t want to do any of them though, in case you were wondering.

I have thought he was adorable from early on when he was in Young Guns and then even more so in This Thing Called Love, an obscure country music movie starring River Phoenix.  Then, of course, he made it big when he was the leading and most wanted man in My Best Friend’s Wedding.  He has done a bunch of romcoms and lots of Westerns, but he has remained sexy throughout his career.  Not to mention that I love that scar on his lip.  What do they say about chicks and scars?  Yeah, totally true.

Well, that’s my list.  What do you think?  Good, huh?  Hands off my mens, ladies.

Ok, now it’s time to tell me your list.  Let me know below.

P.S.  Because of the massive amount of time it took me to compile these lists and the added bonus post I whipped up when I got the award earlier in the week, there will be no Weekly Whacked this week.  Sorry, folks.  I know you anticipate those every week.  I hate to disappoint, but I promise I will bring you some good stuff next friday.  You still love me, right?  🙂

You like me. You really like me!!

So, guess what I got, folks . . . I got a blogging award!!! 

Woo-freaking-hoo!!!  Yay, me!  Go shorty, it’s ya birthday, it’s ya birthday . . .  Ahem.  Sorry for that embarrassing outburst.  I will try to reign it in.

Anyway, Tazer over at Tazer Warrior Princess, has so very graciously bestowed upon me this most significant of awards.  But, according to the rules, this award comes with a price.  No, it’s not just a “good job, here’s your award, go about your business,” type of thing.  Nope.  That would be way too easy.  Instead, it’s a pass on the love and share with the rest of the class sort of endowment.  And I’m totally ok with that.  The rules are as follows:

1.  Compose a short dedication to the person who awarded you the award.

2.  Write a list for your readers detailing things about yourself your readers don’t know.

3.  Pass the love forward to five bloggers that you feel deserve to receive it too.

Ok, no problemo.  Let’s start with that dedication to Tazer.

First, this is what she said about me on her blog:

Misty, of Misty’s Laws, is a downright fucking genius. I don’t even know what you say. If you took my blog and took out all the creative curse words, it would suck. If you did the same to Misty’s blog, it’d still be fucking hilarious. I don’t even really know what to say, so just check it out. She definitely earns the “Versatile Blogger” award! Also, I really wish she was on Twitter.

That’s fucking magical, right?  Ok, so here’s my dedication:

Tazer is freaking hysterical.  She writes about any old random thing that she thinks about, but always brings the funny.  She also depicts numerous drunken and crazy adventures with her BFF and BFFD, with or without the addition of muumuus.  Also . . . sporks!!  She has done a couple of absolutely brilliant posts about sporks, one of which yours truly contributed to, and the pictures she collected were hilarious and genius.  Plus, she curses like a sailor and still remains crazily adorable while doing it.  Basically, she is that wacky, outspoken, balls to the wall daredevil that I have always been too timid to be, but still want to be when I grow up.  Much love, Tazer.  You rock, girlfriend.

Oh, so I guess you now want to know some things about me, huh?  Well, alright, since it’s in the rules.  I guess I’ve gotta.  But just remember . . . you asked for it.  Hold on to your socks my peeps.

1.  I am not blonde.  Despite apparently popular opinion, I am a brunette.  Except for the numerous grey streaks, it is all brown on top.  Never been a blonde, although I did go through a brief period where I would dye it red occasionally, but it only had a very slight tint in the sunlight and it eventually turned brassy on the ends when I let it grow longer.  It was quite stunning, let me tell you.

2.  I met the hubs at a wedding.  Well, technically, I had met him a few weeks/months prior at my work, where I just happened to also work with 2 of his sisters, when he stopped in to have lunch with them one day.  But the subsequent wedding was the place he first really noticed me, I believe.  It was that damn macerena.  Does it to all the boys.  It was his cousin’s wedding, so his whole family was there, and I went with my mom as a favor because my dad couldn’t make it . . . and the rest is history.

3.  I have never Tweeted.  I also, as far as I know, never plan to Tweet in the future.  I hardly have time to be an outstanding employee, a stellar parent and a now famous blogger, so I just can’t see trying to follow people, or whatever the kids are doing these days.  So thanks to all that wish to twat with me, but I just do not have the time.

4.  I used to play the clarinet in my high school’s marching band.  My school actually competed in marching band competitions and even went to Atlantic City one year to march on the boardwalk in some sort of parade.  I also almost took out the entire band during that parade, domino-style, when my boot got caught in one of the diagonal planks of the boardwalk and I started sliding to my left out of control.  This should be a lesson to you kids.  Lift your damn feet while marching.

5.  I hate mushrooms with a white hot passion and if anything I am eating has even walked by a mushroom, I immediately lose my appetite and want to hurl.  Do not get those fungi anywhere near my person if you still want me to like you at all.  The hubs is a huge fan of them, and if our marriage is ever dissolved, you bet that will be in the divorce decree as part of the grounds for our eventual split. 

6.  I never wear my seatbelt.  Now, before you get all preachy and judgmental on my ass, I have heard it all before, so save it.  And if any coppers are reading this and want to try to arrest my ass, all I have to say to you is . . . you’ve gotta find me first.  Suckas!! 

7.  I stop at Dunkin Donuts every single morning (during the week) and get an iced caramel latte with skim milk.  Every morning.  And the hubs, knowing my addiction, usually picks one up for me on the weekends as well when he is out and about, unless I’m already out and get one my damn self.  So, basically, I drink one of those things every single day of my life.  Love them so much.

Ok, that’s enough of all that now.  Do you feel like you’ve gotten a little peek into my head?  Good.  Let’s move on to the important stuff now . . . let’s spread the love.  Like a good venereal disease.  Here are the lucky individuals that I have deemed worthy to bestow this most auspicious of awards upon:

First, let me start by saying that I would have chosen 2 bloggers that Tazer already picked in her list, and the first would be the always entertaining and laugh out loud inappropriate (and possibly my adopted sister at this point if Dear Sweet Mama has gotten on the ball and granted my adoption request by now) Hoody from Hoody Hoo.  But since Tazer already bestowed this upon her, I will refrain from using one of mine. 

The other that I would have chosen is a complete no brainer, since she is technically my sister wife and we are living parallel lives right now, and that would be Jen from Jen e sais quoi aka Portlandia Mom.  Fuck it, I’m choosing her anyway.  She is whickedy whickedy whack, in the best possible way.  She spins a tale with the most creative use of the english language, and the most creative combination of dirty words, that I have ever seen.  Her blogs are freaking off the chart hysterical, evocative and even sometimes informative.  I have literally laughed out loud at many a post.  And she is never afraid to tell you exactly how she feels, even if it will piss you off, and she will defend her positions with a heartiness that is rare and to be admired.  All while cracking your shit right up!  When she entered the blogosphere a few short months ago, she didn’t tiptoe in, feeling her way around and getting her bearings.  No.  She kicked that blog door right down with her ass kicking boots, shouted “here I am you cocksucking blogosphere.  Look the fuck out,” and has rocked that shit ever since.  She is my soul sister, and if I ever get my ass to Portland, she is gonna stuff me so full of good carb-laden food, that I might go into a carb coma.  I’m cool with that.  Love ya, sistah!!

1.  Ok, this is my official list . . . starting with, of course, Shane from Wag the Dad.  Shane has given me a lot of shit lately, and I love him for it.  I asked him to put me on his blogroll, along with others he had recently given a shout out to, and he has made me rue that day.  I can take it though.  He has a truly versatile blog, talking about everything from sex to parenting to homosexuality to booze for pets.  He is the only member of The League of Funny Bitches with a dick, as he will so proudly inform you, but it is well deserved, because he is one funny bitch indeed.  While he has recently informed us that he is taking some time off (going from 5 posts/week to 3) to write a novel, I’m sure those posts will still be fantastic and he will bring it even harder.  He is one funny mofo and I can’t wait to read that novel of his.  I would probably stalk his ass for realz if he didn’t live in Austria, but luckily the interwebz transcend all oceans and distances, so keep bringing that irreverent humor of yours, Shane.  I am forever a fan.

2.  Next is Paula of The Wily Weez  fame.  She surprises me on a daily basis with how goofy and crazy and just darn funny she can be.  She posts about her hubby, her 2 boys, wizards, the marker nazi (I’m still gonna kick that Nazi’s ass for her), drunken shenanigans on planes and naked people at her wedding.  She never fails to catch me off guard with her wit and her uncanny ability to make fun of herself and things around her in a way that is fresh and interesting.  Plus, she created Fuck You Fridays, wherein you can tell off whoever or whatever is pissing you off that week, and I believe that forum for bitching might have saved some people in my general vicinity from imminent death.  Rock on with your crazy ass, Paula.  Much love.

3.  This be my homegirl, yo.  Thoughtsy from Thoughts Appear.  This is the only blogger I have had the privilege of meeting in real life, and at a Ren Fest no less, and she did not disappoint.  Plus, anyone who will bring me M&Ms when we first meet will always hold a place in my heart.  Her blog talks about zombies, the things that movies teach us, her crazy addiction to pop-tarts (which she has abstained from for many months now, much the horror!), and her cat Esme, who might actually be a zombie cat at this point.  I am mad impressed with her ability to post 5 days a week!  And her posts are always entertaining and fun.  She has a 35 before 35 list that I just can’t wait to see her complete, since she has already tore through that 30 before 30 list.  She is super sweet in person, but has a biting wit that will catch you off guard in her posts.  Also, if the Apocalypse were to come, I would want her right beside me as my official guide and kick ass Zombie Hunter Girl.  Love ya, Thoughtsy!

4.  My next choice is my girl, Johi from Confessions of a Cornfed Girl.  When I first discovered her blog, every time I would see the title, I would immediately get Tori Amos’ “Cornflake Girl” stuck in my head.  Every. Single. Time.  It has not changed.  Luckily I like that song!  Johi is living the most glamorous life and talks about it all in her blog.  From taking care of her sick kids, to cleaning up the constant messes, to fighting off her husband’s sexual advances while he refuses to wear pants with his shirt, and then trying to find a time in the day to shower, Johi just has it all.  She has hysterically and accurately written about what it is like to try to get her kids out of the house and also the perils and self loathing of swim suit shopping.  Luckily, she is also kind of crazy and writes about her experiences with her friend Sarah, usually when posing as ninjas in the Old Navy store, or getting her drink on out at a bar, and bringing all the sexy.  I want to share a box of wine with this funny nutty broad one day, but until then, I will continue to read her blog and laugh my ass off every time she posts.  Keep bringing that kookiness, Johi.  You know I love it.

Ok, this last one is the toughest.  Not because I can’t think of anyone.  But because there are just so many talented and deserving bloggers out there that I would love to recognize and it is so hard to just pick one last one.  But, rules are rules, so I am just gonna have to pick. 

5.  I bestow this honor on the most badass sewing rebel I have ever “met.”  Andi from Lazy Subculture Girl rocks my socks.  She blogs about her sewing projects, usually something covered in camo or skulls, and has mad talent to back it up.  But this isn’t just a sewing blog, oh no!  She also talks about Sci-Fi, music, television, books, and of course her family.  She has 3 boys and is the most kick ass stay at home mom, because her favorite one is whichever one isn’t pissing her off at that moment.  Now that is a mom.  Not only is her blog informative and funny, but when you see any of her comments on other blogs, you can’t help but want to be her when you grow up.  She is just so full of knowledge and humor, and she wields it like a sword of awesomeness.  One day when she’s all famous from winning the most recent season of Project Runway, and has a ton of money from all her fame and success, I hope she’ll make me one of her fantastic garments.  Free of charge, of course, because we’re tight like that, yo.  Right, Andi?  Hello?  Andi?  Oh well.  She’s still the bomb diggity.  Check her out.

Phew!  I’m exhausted from all that pouring out of info and love.  That takes a lot for this cold hearted bitch, you know?  Anyway, thanks again for this accolade and go check out my peeps above because they really deserve it.

The Freebie List

What’s a freebie list you ask? Well, you only ask that if you are not married or in a serious relationship, because I can pretty much bet all of you out there with very significant others have at some point either created or talked about a Freebie List. I will leave it to my Friends to describe it:

Chandler: Well, we have a deal where we each get to pick five different celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can’t get mad.
Ross: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship:  Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.
Monica: So, Chandler… who’s on your list?
Chandler: Uh, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and, ah, Jessica Rabbit.
Rachel: Now, you do realize that she’s a cartoon… and way out of your league?
Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.

So, there you go.  Five celebrities that if ever the chance were to arise, you would be allowed to sleep with without your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend getting mad.  They get to make their own as well, so it’s all even.

Anyway, so even though I stated above that if you are married you have made or at least talked about the Freebie list, until just last night, the hubs and I had not created ours.  Well, I mean, not officially.  I could have pretty much named most of his, and he could probably at least guessed a few of mine, so it’s not like we haven’t talked about who we would do over the years.

Well, since we had not created ours yet, I tasked the hubs with a project.  This was the convo:

Me:  Hey, I’ve got a project for you.
Hubs:  (thinking, what chore do I have to do now?)  Oh, great.
Me:  No, this is a fun one.  I want you to create a Freebie list and then tell me who is on it.  You know what that is, right?
Hubs:  Yeah.
Me:  (just making sure) So, 5 celebrities, ok?
Hubs:  Ok.  Like 5 that I want to . . . (kids in hearing range) . . .
Me:  Do.  Yeah.
Hubs:  Ok, got it.
So later that evening, once the kids were all tucked in bed, I asked him who he had come up with.  He obviously had not given it any thought at all, but was pretty much able to come up with his list on the fly.  He had trouble with #5.  Here is his list in the order he gave it to me:
1.  Britney Spears

No hesitation on this one, and I would have guessed this right off the bat.  We have had multiple conversations about how it is a bit disturbing that he is this attracted to this dumb trashy blonde girl.  But he thinks she is super sexy.  I also assume that when he imagines her, the above Britney is the one he thinks about and not this one:


At least . . . I hope not.  That would open up a whole nother conversation as to his taste level and I’m not prepared to go there right now.  Let’s just assume the first Britney is the one he’s hot for and move on, ok?  Great.

2. Kelly Ripa

This one I get.  She’s kind of got that cute girl next door look to her.  The only thing is that recently, she is so damn skinny that it would be like having sex with a lamp post, and let’s just say that the hubs is not averse to curves.  But it’s his list, so whatever.

3. Alyssa Milano

This one I totally get.  She’s hot.  And I think it goes back many years as well.  Maybe even to her Who’s the Boss days.  And before you start thinking, ick, she was a teenager then . . . at that point, so was the hubs, so it’s all good.

4. Minka Kelly

(c) Yu Tsai from Esquire Magazine

This one is a no brainer.   Esquire magazine’s Sexiest Woman of the Year for 2010, dated Derek Jeter, sexy cheerleader, an Angel and hot as hell.  Basically, I’d do her.  Maybe she should be on my list?  Anyway, the hubs has thought she was super hot since Friday Night Lights, along with every other red blooded straight man in the world, so who can argue with this choice? 

Ok, now this is where he had some problems . . . at first he said Sarah Palin, but I vetoed that because it has to be a celebrity (not a fame whore), but really because if he ever slept with that dumb ho, list or not, I would divorce his ass faster than you can preciously say you betcha!  So, no to her.

Then he said Florence Leachman.  I love that even when he’s trying to be funny, he can’t even remember the name of the old broad he’s trying to joke about.  Unless he meant a manage a trois between Florence Henderson and Cloris Leachman.  Because, yeah, I can see that.  But finally, he settled on his fifth choice.  And I must say that it is a fine choice.  This one could definitely teach him a thing or 2 . . . .

5. Betty White

Her milkshake brings ALL the boys to the yard.

So, that is the hubs’ list.  I will bring you my list later in the week.  I have to go do some drooling, um, research to compile my official list.

Have you created a freebie list with your significant other?  What did they say their 5 would be?  (Save telling me about your own list for when I give you my list later this week . . . )

Conversations with My 6 Year Old: Part Deux

At dinner time . . . he has a plate divided into 4 sections with different types of food on each (roast beef, mashed potatoes, carrots and noodles).  At one point I notice he has pretty much eaten all of the noodles and is now working on the meat, which is diagonal to the section once holding the noodles.  He has not touched the carrots or potatoes.  He sees me eyeing his plate and says this:

“You might say I haven’t eaten either of these 2 foods here, but I’m working on these other 2 first because they are sideways and I like just doing these 2 first and then moving onto the others.” 

He likes to eat his food in patterns.  Or what he used to call it:  “patternins.” 

I love the way this kid’s mind works.

He also said this at dinner, apropos of nothing:

“I like the time of year when we have gorrrr-geous sunsets.”  Gorgeous.  Yep, he said that word.  All drawn out like that as well.

Later, watching the X-Factor together (that I had recorded earlier), he was asking me about how the groups were split up and which group this one singer was in.  (If you haven’t seen it, it is very much like American Idol, except that after the singers are whittled down to 32, what would be after Hollywood Week in AI, they split the group into 4 mini-groups, consisting of Girls, Boys, Groups and Over 30.  The over 30 group is girls and guys).  So there is this one woman who is a fantastic singer and my son was watching her sing and asked if she was in the girl’s group.

Me:  Nope, she’s in over 30s.

6: So, that is all people over 30 who can sing . . . like you?

Me: cough Um, yeah, just like me cough

**Note that I cannot carry a tune in a bucket, but for some reason my son thinks I have a good voice.  I fear he may be tone deaf.  I have also heard him sing.  Shudder.**

Me:  Do you think I could be on this show?

6:  Yep!

Me:  What song should I sing to try out?

6: (without hesitation) Rolling in the Deep, definitely.  Because you like that song, right?

Me:  Yes.  (thank god he didn’t say Moves Like Jagger!!).  Do you think I could win?

6:  Maybe

**Apparently his faith in me only goes so far**

Me:  Are you going to be a singer when you grow up?

6:  No, mom.  I told you . . . I’m gonna be a ninja!

**Obviously.  I don’t know what I was thinking.**


What everyone is probably thinking when I start blogging about my kids . . .