Post Xmas Mall Experience

So, I had the brilliant idea to go to the mall to return a few things 2 DAYS AFTER XMAS.  Yep, me and apparently ever single other person who was off that day.  I am brilliant. My thinking was that mostly everyone would be off on that Monday, but I was sure at least some people went back to work on Tuesday, right?  Right?  Well, if the mall was any indication, apparently not.  They all went to the mall instead. Oh, goody.

Anyway, I was already there, & I wanted to take advantage of the after Xmas sales (75% off greeting cards, y’all!), so I suffered through the hordes of people and braved the jostling and waiting in lines.  I’m kinda like a saint that way. The good thing, besides trading in a couple less-than-desirable Bath & Body Works items, for double the amount of stuff (with 3 cents returned to me…..yep, I’m just that good!), was some of the crazy shit I saw whilst there. And, of course, being me and all, I documented it to share with all of you. Also saintly of me, yes?  At this rate, you’re gonna have to start fitting me for a pair of wings, stat!

Here is the first thing I saw while waiting in line to return some pants at Macy’s………dog inna purse!!!

Whatchu lookin’ at, dogface??

Now, I’m not sure if y’all see this kind of thing all the time or not, but I don’t live anywhere near L.A., so pooch purses are not a usual occurrence around here. Especially not in the mall.  I’m not understanding why anyone needs to carry their pup around with them. It’s not a child, people. Fido can manage at home for a few hours while you go shopping.



Two days after Xmas……Santa sighting:  incognito-like.  Shhhh, don’t tell anyone!

So.  Much.  Red!!

My next stop was Victoria’s Secret to return a sweatshirt that was too small.  Apparently, VS doesn’t actually make a size that fits my massive body, even though it was an adorably soft pink sweatshirt that I would have rocked if it wasn’t too snug.  Bummer. Anyway, it has been quite a few years since I’ve shopped at VS.  I’m an old married broad, so I don’t really need to be all sexy anymore.  So, imagine my surprise to discover that VS has actually turned into Whores-R-US!

Look, I’ve seen the Juicy pants, which I find ridiculous, but at least it is on the outside of the clothing.  The above writing is something you will only see if you are getting in a girl’s pants, and unless it says Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday…… are wearing whore pants.  The end.

I’m not sure if this one is supposed to be saying “kiss my ass” or advocating some kissing down under, but either way, just…

It’s so bad now that they are actually making undies specifically for those damn hipsters to buy?  Shameful. 

I saw this at Lord & Taylor on my way out of the mall & it made me stop short:

Please note the tall box in the middle, which says “The Love Handler.”  What the hell is that?  Some magical cream to make fat disappear?  Yeah, sure.  As if something like that exists.  Ridiculous.   Wait.  What if it does?  I’ll be right back…..

38 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Grammy
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 08:53:29

    Went with my Daughter to Best Buy the day after Christmas. Epic mistake. No way in hell I’m going anywhere near the mall til March….And when did underwear become a form of advertising as opposed to a way to cover up the lady parts??

    PS…if that cream works, let me know….


  2. thoughtsappear
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 09:46:25

    Soooo…uh…the cream…was there a tester? I should try it out, just in case it does work.


  3. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 11:09:08

    Was that Rhianna?

    I saw an atrocity at the movie theater the other day and thought of you – giant pink furry boots and a giant sequenced purse. I got my phone out and everything, but she moved too fast.


  4. prttynpnk
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 13:21:06

    I keep working up the nerve to post a ‘things you can’t unsee at DisneyWorld’ because of your inspiration….make sure you are the 1st person to use the tester cream- not the last.


  5. Andi
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 18:59:06

    I can’t believe you noticed the “love handler” cream first because my eye was immediately drawn to the “fat girl simulator.” I mean, say what? A “simulator” would be the imitation of something real or genuine. So this is a cream that makes you look like a fat girl? Feel like a fat girl? Did they possibly mean fat girl “stimulator?” Oh God, that’s even worse — let’s not go there.

    The “Pucker Up” underwear is printed on the FRONT, so clearly it means Mama’s ready for a little downtown action. If it was printed on the butt, it would mean something else. And now I kind of want rude panties. *goes off in search of iron-on letters and clean underwear*


    • mistyslaws
      Jan 06, 2012 @ 21:06:32

      If you look close (which you made me do), it says Fat Girl SLIMulator. So, made up word.

      If you make those undies, you must post as one of your projects!!


  6. Vesta Vayne
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 20:59:45

    Ugh. I do live in the LA area, so unfortunately dogs in purses are common, and truthfully I don’t mind. But you know what I do mind? Dogs in strollers, which I am seeing A LOT lately. The other day at Whole Foods, this woman got in the elevator with us, pushing a pink stroller with a tiny dog inside, and she was wearing leggings as pants, furry uggs, and a leopord jacket. It was a really hard not to laugh.


    • mistyslaws
      Jan 06, 2012 @ 21:09:38

      DOGS IN STROLLERS? Oh, the humanity! Why, oh why, did you not take a picture of that craziness? Feel free to send me any crazy pics you take and I can post for you if you want. I know your site is all classy and shit, so I wouldn’t want you to demeen yourself by posting pic of these fucktards. Please, allow me! 🙂


  7. cornfedgirl
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 00:46:49

    Ahahahaha @the Whores-R-Us remark!
    OMG, I saw Santa about 12 different times walking around my town right before Christmas. I just wanted to roll down my truck window and yell “I BELIEVE!!!!” every time I saw a white bearded fat man.


  8. wcdameron
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 09:43:19

    My daughter has a chihuahua and brought it into Walmart in a purse. We were immediately greeted by the “manager” who was incensed:

    manager: “That dog can’t be in here unless it is a service dog!”
    me: “My daughter has a peanut allergy and this dog sniffs them out.”
    manager: stares blindly and breathes through mouth

    It was a “teachable moment” for my daughter….


  9. jen
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 12:14:05

    I need to begin bringing my camera to campus to capture the many atrocities I see on a daily basis. Today in fact: construction worker in plumber-butt jeans and Sesame Street T-Shirt, undergrad in Japanese businessman porn schoolgirl’s outfit with moon boots and a fedora, and of course, Office Skank rockiin’ the Hello Kitty Crocs and booty shorts. Did I mention it’s about 36′ today? Really!?!?


  10. Mayor Gia
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 13:02:34

    You’re crazy…I’m still not ready to go to the mall. Ugh.


  11. Megan - Best of Fates
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 13:16:52

    Wow. Now that’s some outspoken underwear! And I’m so jealous – you saw Santa!


  12. bschooled
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 13:53:40

    I’m DYING to know what Reddy McRedderson looks like from the front. I’m picturing her with a sunburn. Also, cum colored lipstick. Just to bring it all together.


  13. mark
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 14:06:41

    The dog in a bag trick is way overdone here and I still find it ridiculous. Isn’t it about time we file a class action suit against the Kardashians, Paris Hilton and other defendants to be named later for turning North America into a giant whore training camp? Something makes me want to believe we could succeed on Intentional Infliction of Emotuional Distress and it’d be worth billions.


  14. Britt
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 14:36:56

    Now… I realize that “pucker” most often refers to a kiss, but when I hear ‘pucker’ it makes me think of what happens to your face when you eat something sour.

    So really… those panties are anything but sexy.

    “Come here fellas, my snatch is uber sour. You’re going to look like Renee Zellweger when I’m done with you!”


  15. proxyby2
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 14:44:14

    lmao, I went to the mall the same day and went to VS. I definitely agree on you with VS…also it was a mad house and I was worried (excited?) that I’d have to cut a bitch to get a decent pair of non-CAPS LOCK labeled underwear.


    • mistyslaws
      Jan 06, 2012 @ 21:23:32

      Yeah, the non-whore undies were scarce. I’m sorry you didn’t get to shank anyone, though. I’m sure there were some bitches there that deserved it.


  16. jen
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 15:08:56

    PS: I’m sorry. One of these days I’ll learn to keep my stupid mouth shut and stop offending the people I care about. 😦


    • mistyslaws
      Jan 06, 2012 @ 21:25:41

      Please. If I stopped talking to everyone that criticized the legal system, I might as well become one of those monks who take vows of silence.

      (Also, you would feel quite silly right now if you knew what I was planning for you for next week. 😉 Stay tuned…….)


  17. Whitney Soup
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 20:30:04

    he really does look like santa! i can’t believe he’s wearing a red coat too lol


  18. Pamela D Hart
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 21:25:16

    LOL! I need to grab my camera and head to the mall for fun and laughs!

    I have not seen a dog in a purse. I know I live in Pennsylvania, but still…I want to see one, just ONCE!

    “Whores-R-Us”!! That is priceless! You need to trade mark THAT. You’d probably sell crap load too, because I swear, females these days don’t give a crap what’s written on their clothing…they are walking whore advertisements!


    • mistyslaws
      Jan 06, 2012 @ 21:33:28

      You must always have your camera in the mall. There are untold wonders to behold. And by wonders, of course I mean freaks.

      Unfortunately, people would probably think I was being ironic and would love to buy the whore clothes I was selling. Wait. This might be my new career path. Thanks for the idea! 🙂


  19. lisapollard965
    Jan 09, 2012 @ 15:22:01

    “unless it says Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday…… are wearing whore pants. The end.”

    Truer words have never been spoken! Amen sista! Oh and just for the record if VS made that underwear to fit my ass they could’ve used proper English. “I’M AN ALL NIGHTER” sounds a little better that “I ALL NIGHTER”. Though I guess ignorant and whore often go hand and hand.

    Oh and as for “Fatgirl…”. Naming your product “fat girl” is not the way to market to my fat ass. Just sayin’ Also, “love handler” kinda creeps me out.


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