Misty’s Laws

Since I have been named as the Supreme Exultant Ruler of all that is good and decent and awesome (self-proclaimed, but still totally valid and official . . . I am awaiting my feathery glittered sash any day now), I have decided to set forth a set of unimpeachable rules. These rules are set in stone and if they are ever violated, it will result in an immediate and embarrassing death! All shall take heed:

1.  Thou shalt not yell at your kid in public, especially telling said kid to “shut the fuck up” when he/she is crying uncontrollably. Also to include not grabbing an arm of said kid and smacking them repeatedly on their bottoms whilst telling them to shut the fuck up. No.

2.  Thou shalt not talk on your cell phone whilst in a public bathroom. Ewwww.

3.  Thou shalt not turn around and face the person standing behind you on an elevator, thus making them feel uncomfortable and wondering why in the hell you are not standing in front of them facing the doors as any respectable person would know to do who has ever ridden in or heard of the concept of riding on an elevator.

4.  Thou shall not steal Jen’s chair.

5.  Thou shall not propose to, wink at or otherwise flirt in any way with the attorney handling your case if you are currently in shackles. As much as you may think that conjugal visits are a turn on, if you are serving time, you are not a catch. Stop that shit.

6.  Thou shall not wear tights, stockings, panty-hose or any other thin legging material meant to go under clothing AS PANTS. Also, if you are wearing leggings as pants and they stretch out over your ass so much that I can see the shape and/or color of your underwear and every nook and cranny of your cellulite? No.

7.  Thou shalt not furiously and immediately need to pull in front of my car on the highway and then proceed to insist on driving slower than fuck. If you wish to drive that slow, get the fuck over into the other lane and out of my way. I am not driving just to have a pleasant, scenery perusing experience. I actually want to get to my destination sometime today. Go somewhere else with your dickery.

8.  Thou shalt not read my blog for the first time in 7 months of my blogging, which you knew full well about all those 7 months ago (only after I have a full on breakdown and finally tell you how much it bothers me that as the only person in my real life who knows about my blog, that you have absolutely no interest in it and it actually bothers you when I mention it) finally get around to reading it and then tell me that parts of it are “interesting.”  Hubs.

9.  Thou shalt not be a well made, yet low rated new TV show that I just begin to get into and look forward to, just to get cancelled after 12 episodes.  Grrrrr.

10.  Thou shall NOT ask me how old Madonna is during the half time show, and when told that she’s in her 50’s say, “huh, I thought she looks like your age, mommy.”  Bastard child of mine!

Now that you are aware of the rules, be diligent in your adherence to them.  So they are written, so shall they be done..

————————————————————————————————————————–

So, what would your rules be?  Have I missed any crucially important ones that should go on the list?  Let me know and I will review and judge whether they are deemed worthy to be included.  Your Queen has spoken.

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42 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jen
    Feb 06, 2012 @ 09:53:25

    STANDING OVATION for number 4!!! 🙂

    I would like to add an unimpeachable law:

    Thou shalt not assume that every single mom at the park or grocery store is trawling for men. Occasionally I would like to push my short people on the swing or fondle the kale at Safeway without being grinded on by some horny, Drakkar-Noir soaked single dad with abandonment issues. Back. The hell. UP!

    Reply

  2. Jana
    Feb 06, 2012 @ 10:22:34

    I love them all, especially #6! Seriously, just don’t do it, it makes you look like the low rent ho that you are and it makes my breakfast and/or lunch begin to reemerge.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 08, 2012 @ 09:30:11

      Then again, what ever would I take pictures of if that shit wasn’t running rampant in our streets!! But then again, my eyes would be so much safer and without the need for excessive cloroxing every damn day.

      Reply

  3. prttynpnk
    Feb 06, 2012 @ 10:46:35

    Thou shalt also not get pissy with a person flushiung in said puublic bathroom while you are talking on the phone- acting like the flusher is having the ettiquette lapse?!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 08, 2012 @ 09:31:05

      No way! What, exactly, did this person think that room was for? Were they under the mistaken impression that they were in some sort of modern day telephone booth? Fuckers.

      Reply

  4. buttah
    Feb 06, 2012 @ 11:13:18

    thou shalt not leave your fucking grocery cart in the MIDDLE of the isle at the grocery store…and walk half the damn way down the isle to find your item while leaving said cart IN. THE. MIDDLE. OF. THE. ISLE!!! And you may also not look at me like a fuckstick when I crash into your cart with mine to move it out of my way.

    Reply

  5. Jaclyn
    Feb 06, 2012 @ 11:35:18

    In reference to #5, I have an awesome story.

    I had to go to court once because I had this crazy neighbor bitch who had a problem with me walking through my apartment at any point, ever (I walk heavy because of my weight problem, as she pointed out). Which is not relevant, but it’s why I was in court.

    So this dude is sitting behind me, giving me, you know, the look. I noticed him staring at me when I turned around to look out the window. I ignored him. His case was called just before mine. His case was dropped because “the person who filed the charges” did not show up. He should leave, right? Except that he sits back down and drops a crumpled up napkin behind my back. I continue to ignore him and he’s all “I think there’s something there for you”. And then I have to explain to him that “dude. I am married. And SIX MONTHS PREGNANT” (Visibly fucking 6 months pregnant. How don’t you notice that, dude?). “Oh”. And he walks away. I open up his little note, just to see if it’s his phone number or whatever and to my extreme amusement, I see that the napkin contains his full name, address and… prisoner number, I suppose it was. The address was of some halfway house type situation in the bowels of our nearest ghetto. I guess prisoners aren’t allowed to have phones or email addresses or facebook accounts. But really? Did he think I was going to write him a letter in prison or wherever the fuck he was? I laughed so much. So. Much.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 08, 2012 @ 09:33:51

      And you are telling me you didn’t get up and run after him? I mean, seriously! He was a catch. Come on, Jaclyn. His charges were dropped and everything! I’m sure he just wanted a pen pal. 🙂

      Reply

  6. Charity
    Feb 06, 2012 @ 11:41:19

    Thou shalt not fucking bleed on the toilet seat at work. No. Really.

    Reply

  7. Trackback: When karma kicks you in the face. And Kleenex. And Plaster-Sharts. | Metamorphosis
  8. Danielle Geer (@deathbycupakes)
    Feb 06, 2012 @ 14:22:07

    Thou shalt not insist on sleeping facing me and snoring your ass off into the back of my head, and when nudged repeatedly and told to roll the fuck over, tell me that your back hurts and this is the only side you can sleep comfortably on. *cough*

    Thou shalt not stand in front of me in line at the Super Fucking Walmart with $700 worth of shit in your cart and hold up the line while waiting for each of your 16 children to bring you something that you “forgot.” Get your ass out of line and get it yourself before I cut a bitch.

    I could totally do this all day.

    Reply

  9. Leauxra
    Feb 06, 2012 @ 15:19:38

    Seriously, number 6. I had never noticed this until I “met” you.

    This weekend, I had to stop in at Dick’s. That’s the sporting goods place (yes, I know the name is a little… suggestive, but I swear they’re all Reebok and Nike in there). Where people go to get exercise equipment and socks. Not where ho’s go to sell their wares.

    I was walking in and three women were coming out looking like they were extras on Jerset Shore. And I saw it. I’m sorry, I never believed they were real, even with the pictures. Seriously. White, see-through tights with lace on the side (so a lot of skin showing) were being worn as pants with 6 inch CLEAR fuck-me heels. And a purple thong. I DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW SHE HAD ON A PURPLE THONG. Coming out of a sporting goods store. I am thinking this lady is a different kind of “sporting” lady, if you catch my drift…

    Anyway.

    I am sorry I ever doubted you.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 08, 2012 @ 09:38:44

      You doubted me? I mean, even with the pictures??? You have wounded me deeply, Leauxra. Truly.

      I have heard of Dick’s. We have them here. However, this lady (ahem) apparently had not and thought it was a different type of store. Maybe one serving a different clientele.

      But, Leauxra. Oh, Leauxra . . . where is the picture of this fine specimen? That was just too good not to catch on camera!

      Reply

  10. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    Feb 06, 2012 @ 17:14:27

    If you want to have a family reunion, pick a date, or pick three dates and create a poll, do not send an e-mail to twenty people asking when they can all get together. IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. You could have a date in 2025, and someone still isn’t going to be able to make it because they’ve already scheduled dancing lessons on the moon.

    What show got canceled, Misty?

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 08, 2012 @ 09:41:11

      Yes. Getting a concensus amongst lots of people is impossible. That’s why when I’m doing a party at work, I pretty much just give 2 options or just decide and tell them how and what it’s gonna be. Makes life so much easier.

      For the moment the show is Pan Am. But this seems to be an epidemic for me. I start to enjoy a show and then BLAMO! Cancelled. Those network execs just don’t even give shows a chance to catch on anymore. Fuckers.

      Reply

  11. Vesta Vayne
    Feb 06, 2012 @ 19:22:27

    Yes woman, preach it.

    I’d like to add to #8. If family member finally decides to start reading said blog after months of showing no interest whatsoever, she cannot have a conniption fit over not being mentioned as much as other family members. That is dumb.

    Reply

  12. Andi
    Feb 07, 2012 @ 00:08:25

    These are all perfection. However, I sometimes text in public bathrooms. That’s still ok, right? At least it’s silent and let’s face it, some of us need to read to go #2. It’s a Pavlovian thing.

    Reply

  13. LeeAnn
    Feb 07, 2012 @ 09:05:30

    If you are a member of the GenPop, thou shalt not fuck with me, either at my job or elsewhere. In fact, just keep walking.
    And don’t make me explain “shalt”, either. Again, just keep walking.

    Reply

  14. thoughtsappear
    Feb 07, 2012 @ 14:46:51

    #2…what the hell? I don’t get it. Pee or talk…not both.

    Also, #8…Kiefer pretty much only reads a post when I pull it up and set the laptop down in front of him.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 08, 2012 @ 09:49:15

      My hubs had read 1 post, the 9/11 one, but because I pulled it up on his computer and left it there. It was about him and I wanted him to see it, but he got all agitated when I would bring up the blog, so this was my passive aggressive way. Worked.

      He only just started reading some of it because I basically guilted him into it when I was having my breakdown.

      Reply

  15. red
    Feb 07, 2012 @ 15:59:11

    You shall not hover in the doorway of my office listening to a conversation that doesn’t concern you, without clearing your throat and quickly asking whatever question you need answered, and then getting out so that we aren’t left with the impression that you are actually spying on behalf of the big boss, creepy dude!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 08, 2012 @ 09:50:27

      Um, yeah. I would think this is obvious. But no, apparently not. People have no social skills, especially in the workplace. Sigh. I could probably do a whole set of rules just for my damn job.

      Reply

  16. Becca
    Feb 07, 2012 @ 18:56:23

    Oh honey, these RULES! I’m loving them, especially no’s 1, 4, 6 and 7. You’re rocking!

    Reply

  17. The Good Greatsby
    Feb 07, 2012 @ 21:16:59

    I’m sometimes the guy who faces the back wall in an elevator. I only do it if I’m the first person in because I’m hoping I can get other people to do it.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 08, 2012 @ 09:52:11

      Ahhh, a trendsetter, are ya? Yeah, that’s fine if you are just standing there in the elevator facing the wall. Creepy . . . but fine.

      This guy was facing ME with his back to the doors while I was facing front with my back to the wall. NOT OK.

      Reply

  18. elizabeth- flourishinprogress
    Feb 08, 2012 @ 00:52:15

    Holy shit…#1 just made me so fucking sad. I guess it must be that time of the month because there are plenty of children I would like to tell to shut the fuck up in public (not mine, mine is perfect *snort*) but the thought of that just really touches me right now.

    Addendum to #9 for me: Thou shalt not get cancelled after ONE goddamn episode. Sigh. Still sad about Lone Star.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 08, 2012 @ 09:53:30

      Yeah, that’s even worse. I always hope that if it gets cancelled that quick, it’s because it is really bad and that I wouldn’t enjoy it anyway. But 1 ep? That is ridiculous. And I remember they hyped that show to death, too. Sad.

      Reply

  19. Candice
    Mar 07, 2012 @ 16:51:31

    I heart me number 6. That one needs to be put on pillows and distributed to every teenage girl in the high school where I work.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Mar 08, 2012 @ 13:26:44

      Yeah, it is bad with the teenagers. I see it all the time. It is really rampant in my courtroom as well. I think we need billboards and banners to fight this epidemic for real.

      Thanks for visiting!

      Reply

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