Since I have been named as the Supreme Exultant Ruler of all that is good and decent and awesome (self-proclaimed, but still totally valid and official . . . I am awaiting my feathery glittered sash any day now), I have decided to set forth a set of unimpeachable rules. These rules are set in stone and if they are ever violated, it will result in an immediate and embarrassing death! All shall take heed:
1. Thou shalt not yell at your kid in public, especially telling said kid to “shut the fuck up” when he/she is crying uncontrollably. Also to include not grabbing an arm of said kid and smacking them repeatedly on their bottoms whilst telling them to shut the fuck up. No.
2. Thou shalt not talk on your cell phone whilst in a public bathroom. Ewwww.
3. Thou shalt not turn around and face the person standing behind you on an elevator, thus making them feel uncomfortable and wondering why in the hell you are not standing in front of them facing the doors as any respectable person would know to do who has ever ridden in or heard of the concept of riding on an elevator.
4. Thou shall not steal Jen’s chair.
5. Thou shall not propose to, wink at or otherwise flirt in any way with the attorney handling your case if you are currently in shackles. As much as you may think that conjugal visits are a turn on, if you are serving time, you are not a catch. Stop that shit.
6. Thou shall not wear tights, stockings, panty-hose or any other thin legging material meant to go under clothing AS PANTS. Also, if you are wearing leggings as pants and they stretch out over your ass so much that I can see the shape and/or color of your underwear and every nook and cranny of your cellulite? No.
7. Thou shalt not furiously and immediately need to pull in front of my car on the highway and then proceed to insist on driving slower than fuck. If you wish to drive that slow, get the fuck over into the other lane and out of my way. I am not driving just to have a pleasant, scenery perusing experience. I actually want to get to my destination sometime today. Go somewhere else with your dickery.
8. Thou shalt not read my blog for the first time in 7 months of my blogging, which you knew full well about all those 7 months ago (only after I have a full on breakdown and finally tell you how much it bothers me that as the only person in my real life who knows about my blog, that you have absolutely no interest in it and it actually bothers you when I mention it) finally get around to reading it and then tell me that parts of it are “interesting.” Hubs.
9. Thou shalt not be a well made, yet low rated new TV show that I just begin to get into and look forward to, just to get cancelled after 12 episodes. Grrrrr.
10. Thou shall NOT ask me how old Madonna is during the half time show, and when told that she’s in her 50’s say, “huh, I thought she looks like your age, mommy.” Bastard child of mine!
Now that you are aware of the rules, be diligent in your adherence to them. So they are written, so shall they be done..
So, what would your rules be? Have I missed any crucially important ones that should go on the list? Let me know and I will review and judge whether they are deemed worthy to be included. Your Queen has spoken.