No, not that kind. It doesn’t burn when I pee or anything. But, um, just in case . . . you might wanna get yourself checked out. Just saying.
What I’m talking about is the impending
zombiepocalypse holiday. You know what I’m saying. Whether you are single, in the beginning buds of a relationship, or fully ensconced in marital doldrums bliss, you know it’s coming. That most holy of holiest holidays. Valentine’s Day.
Now, I will tell you that I am not a fan. I am one of those fully married sorts. So I don’t get all het up over some Hallmark induced made up holiday. I mean, besides the whole “why do we have to celebrate our love for each other once a year” reason. The real reason is that I am just not into all that lovey dovey crap. I am not a touchy feely person. And also? I have no earthly idea what to get my husband for this mainly made up and wholey focused on the female persuasion holiday. I mean, really. This holiday is totally for the menfolk to get laid, right? I mean, it’s super easy for guys. Buy flowers. Buy chocolate. Go to dinner. Hell, maybe even pull out the big guns and buy jewelry. Done. What do the women get for the men? Blowjobs, ideally.
Tell me the guy who made this holiday up wasn’t just some horny mother humper. Go ahead. Tell me. See? You can’t. Doesn’t make sense otherwise. If it did, there would be some sort of reciprocal type thing that men would get from us ladies, that didn’t involve us bobbing our head up and down in their crotchal region, right? I mean, what can we buy them? Flowers? Nope. Candy? Nah. Jewelry? Yeah, ok, if you want them walking around like Chandler, sure. So, you have to come up with something creative, and unless you are just getting them a present (shirt, tie, books, cds, movies, etc.), then how is this different from a birthday or anniversary? Therein lies the problem.
The hubs actually gets me flowers every year. And every year I tell him not to. Don’t get me wrong, I love flowers. I love the feeling of knowing that someone was thinking about you enough to get you flowers and getting home from work and finding them waiting there for you. Especially last year when the hubs was away on V-day. I still got the flowers. But the problem is that V-day flowers are ridiculously marked up. Plus, they are the most dreadfully awful one thorn in the grave flowers. They die practically the next day. So, they are just a waste, pretty much. This year I asked for chocolate covered strawberries. We’ll see.
Anyway, this wasn’t intended as a V-day diatribe. I actually wanted to share with you some of the fun things I saw in the grocery store last week that are V-day related. Some are just random fuckery, but also may possibly sorta kinda be something I got the hubs. Or not. Allegedly. (Hubs, if you are reading this right now . . . HAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . . ahem, sorry. Anyway, stop reading now!).
Ahh, modern day hearts. No more of this silly, “You’re swell” or “Call me” nonsense. Now it’s all about the rocking and the texting. I’m surprised it didn’t say “Sext me” or “Be my tweetheart.” Next year, maybe.
Ok, this right here? Nonsense. Peeps are 1. Disgusting, 2. Supposed to be little yellow chicks, and 3. FOR EASTER! Stop it, Peeps. Stop trying to hoard in on other holidays. What’s next . . . marshmallow shamrocks? Peppermint flavored flags? Turkeys? SANTAS? Enough. Know your place.
Ok, is it wrong that I kinda wanted to buy this tiny little lunchbox? I find it sort of adorable. Also? Word.
I took this pic because I thought this was just sort of ridiculously funny. Lover Duckies. Like Rubber Duckies. Geddit? It wasn’t until I went to put it in the post that I actually read what it said underneath. Um, I think we know. It’s not that hard to figure out. And also? Why do you have to wait until bath time is done, duckies? Why? I just think you’re maybe doing it wrong.
Seriously. Check out the hat. It’s a mother lovin’ pimp pen, y’all. This may or may not have been too awesome not to buy and I may or may not have gotten this for the hubs. You can’t prove a thing! STOP LOOKING, HUBS!! Day-um.
This one, sadly, was a missed opportunity. I can say with all honesty and despair that I did not buy this for the hubs. I actually saw this a couple weeks ago. About the same time as I was hiding behind the cardboard Lindt chocolates display, taking a picture of the trainwreck that was the tween wannabe. It was then that I happened to look up and see this wonderous thing. I sadly only snapped a pic and went about my way. Then, this last week, when I returned . . . it was gone. I can see why. It is just so darn wonderful. I mean, what says love more than a redneck, bandana wearing, beer drinking, Earnhardt loving (I’m sure) Fish!! Drats.
Then, at another fine retail establishment, I saw a bunch of things which will solve all of my problems for what to buy for my man. In fact, all of any woman’s problems with that issue. Oh, and another fish:
I’m not admitting to anything here, but since I wasn’t able to get the redneck fish . . . well, you know. I didn’t throw this one back is all I’m saying.
The next was a series of “man-type items” in the form of chocolate:
And what is with the freaking abundance of fish themes? Am I missing something? Maybe I’m doing it all wrong. I wasn’t aware that this was such a MAN thing. Maybe instead of blowjobs, I should just buy him a great big raw carp!
Ok all. That is it for this round of V-day fuckery. Anyone else see anything whickety whackedy weird re: the big day of love? I’m sure there is some crazy stuff out there. But I don’t get out much, so the inventory at the Giant and Target is the best I can do. Sorry. Please feel free to share your own visions of love (and it was all that you’ve given to meeeee), ahem . . . sorry. That one got away from me. Anyway . . . hit me with your best shot . . . seriously, I need help. Someone stop me.