A Bad Case of VD

No, not that kind.  It doesn’t burn when I pee or anything.  But, um, just in case . . . you might wanna get yourself checked out.  Just saying.

What I’m talking about is the impending zombiepocalypse holiday.  You know what I’m saying.  Whether you are single, in the beginning buds of a relationship, or fully ensconced in marital doldrums bliss, you know it’s coming.  That most holy of holiest holidays.  Valentine’s Day.

Now, I will tell you that I am not a fan.  I am one of those fully married sorts.  So I don’t get all het up over some Hallmark induced made up holiday.  I mean, besides the whole “why do we have to celebrate our love for each other once a year” reason.  The real reason is that I am just not into all that lovey dovey crap.  I am not a touchy feely person.  And also?  I have no earthly idea what to get my husband for this mainly made up and wholey focused on the female persuasion holiday.  I mean, really.  This holiday is totally for the menfolk to get laid, right?  I mean, it’s super easy for guys.  Buy flowers.  Buy chocolate.  Go to dinner.  Hell, maybe even pull out the big guns and buy jewelry.  Done.  What do the women get for the men?  Blowjobs, ideally.

Tell me the guy who made this holiday up wasn’t just some horny mother humper.  Go ahead.  Tell me.  See?  You can’t.  Doesn’t make sense otherwise.  If it did, there would be some sort of reciprocal type thing that men would get from us ladies, that didn’t involve us bobbing our head up and down in their crotchal region, right?  I mean, what can we buy them?  Flowers?  Nope.  Candy?  Nah.  Jewelry?  Yeah, ok, if you want them walking around like Chandler, sure.  So, you have to come up with something creative, and unless you are just getting them a present (shirt, tie, books, cds, movies, etc.), then how is this different from a birthday or anniversary?  Therein lies the problem.

The hubs actually gets me flowers every year.  And every year I tell him not to.  Don’t get me wrong, I love flowers.  I love the feeling of knowing that someone was thinking about you enough to get you flowers and getting home from work and finding them waiting there for you.  Especially last year when the hubs was away on V-day.  I still got the flowers.  But the problem is that V-day flowers are ridiculously marked up.  Plus, they are the most dreadfully awful one thorn in the grave flowers.  They die practically the next day.  So, they are just a waste, pretty much.  This year I asked for chocolate covered strawberries.  We’ll see.

Anyway, this wasn’t intended as a V-day diatribe.  I actually wanted to share with you some of the fun things I saw in the grocery store last week that are V-day related.  Some are just random fuckery, but also may possibly sorta kinda be something I got the hubs.  Or not.  Allegedly.  (Hubs, if you are reading this right now . . . HAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . . ahem, sorry.  Anyway, stop reading now!).

Ahh, modern day hearts.  No more of this silly, “You’re swell” or “Call me” nonsense.  Now it’s all about the rocking and the texting.  I’m surprised it didn’t say “Sext me” or “Be my tweetheart.”  Next year, maybe.

Why are their heads melted?

Ok, this right here?  Nonsense.  Peeps are 1.  Disgusting,  2.  Supposed to be little yellow chicks, and 3.  FOR EASTER!  Stop it, Peeps.  Stop trying to hoard in on other holidays.  What’s next . . . marshmallow shamrocks?  Peppermint flavored flags?  Turkeys?  SANTAS?  Enough.  Know your place.

Preach it, girlfriend!

Ok, is it wrong that I kinda wanted to buy this tiny little lunchbox?  I find it sort of adorable.  Also?  Word.

Sex, right? I mean, isn't it obvious?

I took this pic because I thought this was just sort of ridiculously funny.  Lover Duckies.  Like Rubber Duckies.  Geddit?  It wasn’t until I went to put it in the post that I actually read what it said underneath.  Um, I think we know.  It’s not that hard to figure out.  And also?  Why do you have to wait until bath time is done, duckies?  Why?  I just think you’re maybe doing it wrong.

Pimp Pen!!

Seriously.  Check out the hat.  It’s a mother lovin’ pimp pen, y’all.  This may or may not have been too awesome not to buy and I may or may not have gotten this for the hubs.  You can’t prove a thing!  STOP LOOKING, HUBS!!  Day-um.

Redneck Fish

This one, sadly, was a missed opportunity.  I can say with all honesty and despair that I did not buy this for the hubs.  I actually saw this a couple weeks ago.  About the same time as I was hiding behind the cardboard Lindt chocolates display, taking a picture of the trainwreck that was the tween wannabe.  It was then that I happened to look up and see this wonderous thing.  I sadly only snapped a pic and went about my way.  Then, this last week, when I returned . . . it was gone.  I can see why.  It is just so darn wonderful.  I mean, what says love more than a redneck, bandana wearing, beer drinking, Earnhardt loving (I’m sure) Fish!!  Drats.

Then, at another fine retail establishment, I saw a bunch of things which will solve all of my problems for what to buy for my man.  In fact, all of any woman’s problems with that issue.  Oh, and another fish:

Don't let THIS one get away!!

I’m not admitting to anything here, but since I wasn’t able to get the redneck fish . . . well, you know.  I didn’t throw this one back is all I’m saying.

The next was a series of “man-type items” in the form of chocolate:

Nothing says love this V-day like a set of BALLS.

You are such a tool.

No, I will not buy my hubs a psuedo dick!

And what is with the freaking abundance of fish themes?  Am I missing something?  Maybe I’m doing it all wrong.  I wasn’t aware that this was such a MAN thing.  Maybe instead of blowjobs, I should just buy him a great big raw carp!

Oh gawd.

Ok all.  That is it for this round of V-day fuckery.  Anyone else see anything whickety whackedy weird re: the big day of love?  I’m sure there is some crazy stuff out there.  But I don’t get out much, so the inventory at the Giant and Target is the best I can do.  Sorry.  Please feel free to share your own visions of love (and it was all that you’ve given to meeeee), ahem . . . sorry.  That one got away from me.  Anyway . . . hit me with your best shot . . .  seriously, I need help.  Someone stop me.

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36 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ginny
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 10:44:16

    I can buy candy or make my guy buy me candy any day of the year. I really don’t need to have it be in the shape of a weird looking bear or a tool set?! Who comes up with this crap.

    Reply

  2. Jana
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 11:24:24

    If I bought those balls for my hubby, I think he might thank me for finally giving them back to him, and we sure don’t want that to happen!!

    Reply

  3. Jayne
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 12:30:17

    Call me a romantic, but I got my sweetie an antique cast iron bank called “Jolly Boy” he’s been wanting for so long. Totally inappropriate and incorrect, but like you said, what do you do?

    Reply

  4. Seraphinalina
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 12:32:22

    I thought March 14th was the male version of V’s Day, Steak & a Blowjob Day (this also happens to be pi day, 3.14).
    I love the concept of Valentine’s Day, hate the commercialism. We’ve found our own way of celebrating at home that works. I don’t understand the need for chocolate tools or whatever.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 16, 2012 @ 08:47:53

      We were very low key this year. It was more fun watching the kids open the little gifts we got them (and then actually thank me for them. Gasp!), than trying to go out to some romantic dinner.

      Reply

  5. Charity
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 14:31:48

    Chocolate tools. I find this so disturbing and awesome all at the same fucking time.

    Reply

  6. Jen
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 16:08:29

    I think Valentine’s Day is a stupid, useless, Hallmark holiday for saps and losers. . .oh yeah, and I don’t have a date. . .can you tell that I’m bitter. ((sigh))

    Reply

  7. cornfedgirl
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 16:44:07

    I would totally buy Brock those chocolate tools. I would. I probably need to go and get them now.

    Reply

  8. Andi
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 20:09:14

    I just got home from the grocery store — the freaking grocery store, y’all — and they were going ALL OUT. Chocolate covered strawberries, special bouquets, cookie trays, a helpful display at the front of the store. For all those lame asses who buy their gifts at the FUCKING grocery store.

    I finally got the Hubs to stop giving me flowers by telling him they send the wrong message. “See this beautiful bouquet? These are flowers cut down in the prime of life so they can look pretty for one day before dying a slow and horrid death. They make me think of you!” That’s not a gift, that’s a threat.

    We are old and cranky, so we celebrate VD with a decent meal and sex, the way Nature and God intended.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 16, 2012 @ 08:50:23

      Yeah, I had to go to the store on VD, and it was a freaking feeding frenzy at the flower display. Men just circling, getting their flowers at the last minute at the grocery store. So sad. But hilarious.

      Sounds like you got this VD thing all figured out.

      Reply

  9. Pish Posh
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 21:18:34

    I totally think Peeps are delicious. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Those peeps look like poop flavored peeps though, and that’s not right.

    I would try them though 😉

    Reply

  10. Vesta Vayne
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 21:21:45

    I love how freaking stereotypical the male gifts are. Tools, fishing, golf, cigars. Uh-huh, that covers all men. But, um, it seems to me the golden dick/cigar chocolates should be something for women. No?

    Reply

  11. Jo
    Feb 14, 2012 @ 09:00:01

    Wishing you many chocolate covered strawberries today!

    Reply

  12. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    Feb 14, 2012 @ 12:34:14

    I didn’t realize that there’s been an avalanche of man-themed valentine products. Shouldn’t they make chocolates in the shape of boobs or something?

    Reply

  13. Sonderella
    Feb 14, 2012 @ 13:10:51

    I can’t stand Vday. I could care less, I’m married and my husband gets me something, preferably wine or beer. Right this second I’m watching assorted co-workers preen while getting delivered flowers, candy etc. SURE he sent it to you because he loves you so much! It has nothing at all to do with the prospect of you popping his nuts like grapes if you don’t get presents!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 16, 2012 @ 08:53:20

      Yeah, I think once you are married, it loses it’s appeal. Aren’t we supposed to love each other every day? I actually ask my hubs NOT to get me flowers, but he never listens. Not once. I really mean it, but maybe he thinks I mean it in that “I don’t really mean it” way? He obviously has never met me, if so.

      Reply

  14. Mandi E.
    Feb 14, 2012 @ 14:42:11

    Those ducks triggered something in my head – Remind me to send you a picture of the inside of the medicine cabinet in my guest bathroom. Let’s just say I can always tell when someone has been snooping based on the look on their faces when they come out of the bathroom.

    Yeah, I don’t give V-day gifts anymore. (And I never gave V-D.) My husband knows that flowers must either come from the grocery store, or be whole plants for use in my garden. Jewelry must not be the local valentine special that a bajillion other women will be wearing. And no chocolate. (I can make my own, thank you very much.)

    I love useful, practical gifts, and that’s what I have to give him if I expect him to use them. Socks and underwear. That’s true love to him.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 16, 2012 @ 08:54:11

      Ahh, yes. The socks and underwear gift. I usually save that for his birthday. Cuz I’m a freaking rockstar wife like that, yo!

      Send the pic!! 🙂

      Reply

  15. red
    Feb 14, 2012 @ 15:09:55

    I have not even been looking, but TOTALLY agree with you about Peeps!

    …did anyone else notice that the second fish is “semi-solid”? Is that an unintentional double-entendre?

    Reply

  16. kari
    Feb 14, 2012 @ 16:23:51

    I really hate Valentine’s Day with a passion, and I’m not even sure why. Peeps are disgusting no matter what form they take. The only thing I did for VDay was help the four year old make out the class valentines (that I got on sale for like, 1.50) for pre k. That was plenty. I will not buy semi-solid fish, gummy worms, or anything useful. Or if I do, it’ll be for Easter!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 16, 2012 @ 11:50:49

      Yeah, I hate peeps. The hubs buys them for me every year for Easter. He just does not listen so good, that one.

      I kinda like doing the VD cards with the kids. They are a big pain in the arse, but the kids love them, so I enjoy it.

      Reply

  17. wagthedad
    Feb 14, 2012 @ 16:37:36

    My wife got me a 2 hour trip to a naked Euro spa. It was pretty cool, but she could have just plopped a six pack down in front of me and said “get shitfaced – this one time, I won’t be pissed.”

    I know how fucking pathetic that sounds, but it’s true. Not that alcohol is more important than a blowjob, but beer is to men like chocolate is to the female orgasm.

    Just sayin’.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 16, 2012 @ 11:52:11

      See, that should probably be the most appropriate gift from a woman to a man. A get out of jail free card. You can do X this one time and I won’t get pissed off (or at least she would get pissed of course, but would refrain from bitching at you about it). You need to start marketing that shit, Shane. It is brilliant!

      Reply

  18. elizabeth- flourishinprogress
    Feb 14, 2012 @ 18:21:28

    I am seriously so fucking hungry after reading all of this and looking at all of these pictures.

    THANKS HO

    Reply

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