Ghosts of Birthdays Past

IT’S MA BIRTHDAY, BITCHES!!!!

Happy Birthday to MEEEE . . .

Happy Birthday to MEEEE . . .

Happy Birthday dear Misty . . .

Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Hey there.  I don’t know if I mentioned it, but today is my birthday.  Pretty sure I haven’t brought this up previously.  Just thought you might like to know.

Now, I’m not sure how your birthdays usually go down, but I have had some pretty crappy birthdays.  In fact, some so bad that I really don’t look forward to my birthday any more.  Instead, I always anticipate, with great trepidation, what type of ridiculousness will occur each year.

I am so hoping that I will skip whatever fate has scheduled for me this year.  This past year has been a rough one and I think I’m done with all that, thank you very much!  Move along, karma.  I’m done being your bitch.

Now, I can hear you out there.  I hear you thinking, “Oh please, don’t be so damn dramatic.  Everybody’s birthday sort of sucks.  Nobody likes getting older.  Nobody likes birthdays.”  Well, lest you think I’m just making up this shit, I present to you the below examples of Misty’s tragic birthdays, a journey through the years.  Buckle in folks.  This ain’t pretty . . .

SIXTEEN:

On my sixteenth birthday, I was your typical mouthy, disrespectful handful of teenaged girl.  My poor parents.  But on the evening of my birthday, I was standing at the stove, cooking up something for my dinner and talking back to my mom (natch).  Well, apparently I mouthed off one too many times and my mom had enough of my attitude.  I don’t remember what I said, but something sparked her to turn to violence.  She backhanded me across the face.  Wearing about 12 big sharp rings.  It hurt like a bitch.  It completely shocked me.  And it wasn’t exactly what I expected to get as my birthday present from my mom.

MORAL:  If you are gonna be a little bitch on your birthday, make sure your mom has taken off her jewelry for the night.

SIXTEEN – PARTY EDITION:

I do not like surprises.  That is not to say that I need to know everything that ever happens at all times, nor do I think a lovely surprise gift is a bad thing.  But, when it comes to parties, do not ever throw me a surprise party.  Ever.  I’m pretty sure that my abhorrence of surprise parties stemmed from my sixteenth birthday party.  It was a surprise party thrown by my mom.  It was not a good idea.  I walked into my house, about a week prior to my actual birthday, dressed all sloppily from running errands, and was surprised to find a bunch of people I went to high school with, standing in my kitchen.  The real surprise was the fact that mostly, these were not my friends.  See, I was a pretty big dork in high school and my mom actually let my “best friend,” who was very popular, invite everyone.  So, she picked people she thought I was friends with and people she was friends with.  Anyway, one of my biggest memories from that night was sitting on my steps crying and later cringing when my mom tried to get these people who were barely tolerating being there to play “party games.”  (In case you were wondering, I also loathe any type of party game).  It was a rough night.  Not a fond memory.

MORAL:  Don’t throw me any fucking surprise parties!

TWENTY-ONE:

I was in college and dating a guy that I had a very on again, off again relationship with.  We pretty much hated each other because we both thought we were better than the other.  I was correct.  Anyway, the weekend before my birthday, he decided to go home for the weekend instead of spending time with me, which totally pissed me off.  Not my proudest moment, but in my anger and in his absence, I hooked up with a guy, who unfortunately gave me a hickey on my neck.  So, when the boyfriend came back, on the evening before my birthday, we were hanging out in my room, watching a movie.  I was wearing a turtleneck (as you do when you are trying to hide a hickey).  Then, right around midnight, at the very beginning of my birthday, he saw the hickey.  And stormed out of my room.  So at the very start of my birthday, my boyfriend broke up with me.  (I know what you’re probably thinking:  I cheated on him, I deserved it.  Totally fair.  But still . . . being broken up with on your birthday is pretty rough.  And to be even more fair, he had cheated on me a bunch of times prior to that.  Hence the on/off again part).

MORAL:  Obviously don’t cheat on your boyfriend.  Even if he is an asshole.  Either that or wear a taller turtleneck.

TWENTY-TWO:

I was newly dating my now-hubs.  We went away to Orlando for my birthday on our first ever trip together.  On the evening of my birthday, I had a bit too much to drink.  So, at the end of the night, I started getting emotional because I was all drunky.  I was crying and telling this new boyfriend of mine who had very sweetly taken me away on a trip for my birthday and just given me a beautiful ruby and diamond bracelet (can you say keeper?), that I was damaged goods and he really shouldn’t be with me.  Granted, I was drunk, but I was also being honest. I had super low self-esteem and my previous experience with boyfriends consisted of the extravagance of a trip to Taco Bell and splurging on a chalupa, so this was a bit out of my comfort zone.  It scared me, to be honest.  Luckily, he just laughed at my drunk ass and eventually married me.  I tell him all the time that I gave him fair warning and that he had his chance to run at that point.  Silly boy.

MORAL:  The man shoulda listened when he had the chance.

TWENTY-EIGHT:

After being married for a mere 4 months, my new husband was called up to go overseas for the entirety of February, missing both Valentine’s Day (not a big deal) and my birthday (more of an issue).  Add that to the fact that this was the year that we had a massive snow storm and I was snowed in my house for a full week all by myself about a week before my birthday.  By the time my lonely birthday rolled around, I was pretty much stir crazy from the white out, so yeah, that was not a fun one.

MORAL:  Live somewhere warmer.

LAST YEAR:

My family and I were staying with my parents in Florida.  Early on the morning of my birthday we were awoken by a phone call.  My father-in-law was calling my husband.  He was staying at home to take care of the house and our dogs.  He was calling to report that one of our dogs had passed away.  She was an older dog and had been ailing for a while, but had recently seemed to be better.  Two days after we left for vacation, she fell asleep and never woke up.  It was extremely sad and cast a pall upon the rest of the day.  Hell, the rest of the week, month and year to be honest.  Although I tried to rally for my kids because we did not want to tell them until the vacation was over, but I just couldn’t lift the sadness from my heart.  It was a very bad birthday.

MORAL:  Yeah, I got nothing for this one . . .

EVERY BIRTHDAY FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS:

As I have mentioned before, I always give a birthday card to everyone in my office (along with the stupid party planning I do for all the other office events).  I buy a card, I pass around the card for everyone in the office to sign, and I make sure the person gets their card on or around their birthday.  It is just something I do.  It’s not a big deal, but I think it is a thoughtful gesture from people that work with you and see you more than your family a lot of the time.  Now, you would think that people would be grateful for this gesture.  That maybe just one person in the office would think to return the favor to the person who does this all year long for everyone else’s birthday in the entire office, right?  You would be seriously wrong.  Except for last year when I practically begged/threatened my two friends/colleagues to get me a mother loving card for my damn birthday (and they did) I have never gotten a card at work.  And those two friends?  Quit last year to be stay-at-home moms.  Yeah, I’m not holding out much hope for this year.  We shall see.

MORAL:  Get a new freaking job!!

Ok, enough bitching about my sucktastic birthdays of yore.  On to the celebrating . . .

So . . . today is my birthday.  I am currently in Atlantic City.  Hopefully, nothing tragic will occur today.  I will just have some fun away with the hubs, drive home and see my kids, probably get some chinese food for dinner, maybe have a cake.  That’s really all I ask.  Can you work with me on this one, karma?  How ’bout taking just one day off from being a bitch, k?  I’ll give you some cake.  Do we have a deal?  Awesome.

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62 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. wcdameron
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 10:34:41

    Happy birthday?

    Reply

  2. red
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 10:53:04

    YOU are awesome! I totally agree – I never celebrate my birthday, and don’t even tell people when it is.

    Coincidentally, I nominated you for an award today! You are one of my Liebster Blogs, and I didn’t even nominate you because of your birthday, but accidentally found out about your birthday after I chose you. MWAH! Check out your award on my site, when you’re done having a finally decent birthday.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 29, 2012 @ 15:44:52

      I DID have a finally decent birthday!! Oh shit, I think Karma might have heard me . . . duck!!

      Thanks for the award. And on my birthday no less! Wow, that is some good shit. Finally. 🙂

      Reply

  3. Team Suzanne
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 11:02:08

    Based on historical precedent, I think you should duck. All day today. Be on guard. Routinely patrol and secure the perimeter. All systems high alert. That kind of thing.

    And your family should be making a cake. A cake makes all the difference. Happy birthday!

    Reply

  4. gojulesgo
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 11:26:33

    Happy birthday!! I’m thinking things can only go up from last year. And I hope you get that card from your co-workers, and it has some f*cking cash.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 29, 2012 @ 15:49:16

      Got a card . . . no cash. I mean really, let’s not push it, ok? It took 10 years for a card. Although after all that time, I do see how some interest would be owed. Hmmm, maybe next year.

      Thanks!!

      Reply

  5. Kitten Thunder's Girl
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 11:57:33

    I had a dream once that the people in my office got me a super-frosted cake for my birthday and then ate all of it without me. They saved me the center piece that didn’t have ANY extra frosting. I was still mad when I woke up. I was still mad halfway through the day when my boyfriend came in and told me to let it go because it hadn’t actually happened.

    The bright side of this is that I told my coworkers and it became a running joke – I got everyone’s extra frosting every time we had a cake for the rest of the time I worked there. I’m going to miss that, now that I work at home.

    Anywho, have a happy birthday. In my mind, I got you a card.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 29, 2012 @ 15:50:17

      Thanks for the mind-card! 🙂

      Maybe that’s my play . . . I keep talking about how I never got a card and then people will feel so bad that they will give me cards all the damn time!! I like it. I’m putting it into play.

      Reply

  6. Leauxra
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 12:00:23

    A few years ago, I decided to take control and FORCE EVERYONE TO BE HAPPY AND HAVE FUN ON MY MOFO BIRTHDAY, BITCHES!

    One year I went skydiving.

    Another time, I had a huge BBQ party and got drunk and passed out by 5PM when I still had like 30 people over.

    THIS year. Oh THIS year will be epic.

    Private party at a roller rink, followed by dinner at CASA BONITA. Mullets are optional on this amazing 80’s birthday party. If you’re in Colorado at the end of May, you can come.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 29, 2012 @ 15:52:00

      Oh, man!! That would be JUST enough time to grow my mullet, too! Drats.

      Then again, my birthday is in February, so it’s hard to do stuff. It’s cold, dark, sometimes snowy, and everybody seems to be in a funk. Hard to force hilarity at that point. Maybe next year I’ll throw myself a party!! Woo-hoo.

      Reply

  7. Jana
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 12:15:22

    Misty – may your palms be itchy (in the good money making way) for your birthday!

    Hope this year, it is a great one!!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 29, 2012 @ 15:52:53

      Well, unfortunately mine and my hubs’ palms were very very un-itchy. Bastards.

      But otherwise, it was a stellar birthday. Especially with my history.

      Reply

  8. Charity
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 12:16:14

    LOL. So much awesome.

    And also…ummm….Happy Birithday?!?!

    Reply

  9. Jayne
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 12:49:24

    Misty, Happy Birthday! Hoping this one’s uneventful, in the best possible way.

    Jayne

    Reply

  10. thoughtsappear
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 13:58:40

    I hope you’re having an amazing time in Atlantic City!

    Reply

  11. Jen
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 14:29:11

    Go shawty, it’s yer birthday
    And we’re gonna party
    Like it’s yer birthday
    Gonna sip Bacardi
    Like it’s yer birthday…

    Happy Birthday, my Sister Wife. I love you! 🙂

    Reply

  12. lazysubculturalgirl
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 15:05:23

    I sincerely hope that the universe leaves you the fuck alone and you have a marvelous birthday! Also, always have cake. Everything is better with cake.

    I have horrible memories of a birthday in college where nobody remembered — my mom did send me a VCR, but it was shipped in the original box. No wrapping, no card, no loving sentiments, NO FUCKING CAKE. I avoided birthdays after that because I figured I didn’t need a constant reminder that nobody cares about me. These days, I can’t get away from people who care about me (or at least, need me to help with homework) so I finally got over the birthday thing.

    The rest of the birthday shit is just the wheel of fortune going around. Happens to everyone.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 29, 2012 @ 15:57:05

      The universe did in fact seem to leave me the fuck alone. Thankfully! And yes, cake was had, which upped the good birthday factor exponentially.

      I have had the forgotten birthdays. Last year my brother completely forgot my bday and I got 8 measly happy birthdays on FB. It was not stellar, as I believe I have mentioned. This year my dumb brother actually called me! I feel so speshul.

      Reply

  13. wagthedad
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 16:15:16

    Happy Birthday to you
    You belong in a zoo
    You look like a monkey
    And you smell like one, too.

    Oh COME ON. I was just kidding. Really. It was a JOKE. Them’s just jokes.

    Dammit, now I am getting sued. I knew it.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 29, 2012 @ 15:58:49

      Yep. Slander. Or libel. I always forget which one is written. But I assume you probably had this in your head and sang it out at some point as well, so I can probably get you for both. It was bound to happen eventually, right?

      And thanks for the birthday wishes. Even though you just called me ugly and smelly. Ahh, ours is a special kind of bond, huh Shane?? 🙂

      Reply

  14. Mandi E.
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 16:37:39

    Happy birthday, Misty! Reading about your birthdays past is certainly more interesting than the last time I had a party when I was 8 and I almost broke my damn arm. Never again.

    After you turn 21, all birthdays should be celebrated by getting drunk and holing up in a luxury hotel suite in the jacuzzi tub.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 29, 2012 @ 16:00:35

      Told my hubs that this is how birthdays should be celebrated. I think he is already putting it in the works for 40. More because he is scared I’m gonna lose my shit and he wants me nowhere near him and the boys when I have my breakdown. Hopefully plied with lots of booze and in a jacuzzi far far away.

      Thanks, babe!!

      Reply

  15. cornfedgirl
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 17:53:55

    It will all be fine! I’ve been wading in 37 for almost a week now, and other than feeling overly tired because I’m trapped inside with two screamy meamies all day, it has been brilliant. Plus, I’ve had both cake AND homemade key lime pie. And I think I will have more as soon as I am done typing this.
    Sorry about your dog last year. Losing the ones that love you unconditionally blows. Not to sound insensitive, but you were lucky. You weren’t there to deal with it and the animal passed in their sleep. All of my animals have died traumatically and EXPENSIVELY right in front of me (granted, never on my actual birthday but still. Not good.)
    I think the birthday fairy is waving a brand new pink sparkly wand over you on this very special birthday of yours! I see many new experiences and great birthdays in your future! Plus, you share it with one of my very favorite people on the planet, which explains why I like you so much.
    Love and hugs from Colorado. Johi, your other sista wife.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 29, 2012 @ 16:02:53

      Thanks, Jo! Although, I didn’t get Key Lime pie, so now I’m estimating that my birthday was a little less fabulous than I thought it was before. Thanks for that! ;p

      You are right about me being lucky in that way. I have had to deal with pets dying in person before (one tragically hit by a car right in front of me and dying in my arms . . . not on my birthday), so I know of the pain and horror of which you speak.

      It would be even better if I had a pink sparkly sash. Just saying. 🙂

      Reply

  16. elizabeth- flourishinprogress
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 19:28:12

    Happy Birthday, you fucking fabulous bitch.

    May sadness forget you.
    May you get everything you ever want.

    Love you dearly.

    Reply

  17. Vesta Vayne
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 20:48:08

    Happy Happy BIRTHDAY!! I hope you have a wonderful day!

    And I am totally willing to shank Karma for you, you know, as a b-day gift.

    Reply

  18. Jo
    Feb 28, 2012 @ 00:32:01

    I really hope that you had a good day today, and that you got cake, and had laughter, and people were smart enough to love up on you.

    Happy Birthday, I’m so glad you were born! (Yep, I know it sounds lame, but I mean it)

    Reply

  19. Jaclyn
    Feb 28, 2012 @ 11:28:57

    Misty, I will always remember your birthday, because it is also my mom’s birthday. I hope it didn’t suck too hard.

    Reply

  20. EvLwMn
    Feb 28, 2012 @ 14:34:13

    Hmmm………….I wonder what would happen if you, just once, passed your OWN birthday card around the office to get it signed. I wonder if anyone would notice? I wonder if anyone would get the hint?

    I think it would be an interesting experiment. I think I would try it if I were in your situation just to see if there would be any reaction.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 29, 2012 @ 16:06:40

      That is fucking brilliant!! Now I so wish I had done that. Damn, if only I’d thought of that. I so would have done it.

      And just FYI . . . you are my 2000th comment. So, congrats? Yeah, let’s go with that. 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by.

      Reply

      • EvLwMn
        Mar 01, 2012 @ 11:18:45

        Awesome! 🙂

        Oh – and I guess I was having brain freeze when I wrote my comment so I’ll say it now – Happy Birthday (if a little bit late!)

        Reply

  21. Front Desk Ninja
    Feb 28, 2012 @ 17:24:18

    Happy fucking belated birthday, Misty.
    I got you something, I’m sorry I couldn’t wrap it up better.

    You, my dear, have been nominated/given/awarded the Liebster Award.

    Ninja

    Reply

  22. Mayor Gia
    Feb 28, 2012 @ 18:54:14

    Screw the terrible terrible luck…HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Hope you had a good time in ac….

    Reply

  23. Andrea
    Feb 28, 2012 @ 20:11:24

    Hope it was fun in a subdued and uneventful kind of way. Just start a card going around for yourself at work, as you clearly deserve for each and every one of them to take a few seconds to write down how awesome you are!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 29, 2012 @ 16:08:31

      It was fun and uneventful. All I can really ask. Yeah, I think next year I’m passing around my own damn card. It will just be easier for everyone!

      Thanks!!

      Reply

  24. Pish Posh
    Feb 28, 2012 @ 21:16:30

    Happy birthday!!

    I get sick every year on my birthday. It’s like I hate myself.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 29, 2012 @ 16:09:19

      That does suck. I’m sorry to hear that. Tell yourself to try being nice to yourself this year. Or you will kick your own ass. See if that keeps her in line.

      Thanks!!

      Reply

  25. Becca
    Feb 28, 2012 @ 21:52:22

    Again! Sorry I’m late to this party but HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVIE! I hope it was filled with love and laughter!

    Reply

  26. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    Feb 28, 2012 @ 23:39:22

    OH, Happy Day After your Birthday!!! I hate hate hate surprises, too. I was once threatened with a surprise party just so I’d agree to a regular planned one. I hope you had a nice day, Misty.

    Reply

  27. hoodyhoo
    Feb 29, 2012 @ 07:36:29

    Sorry I’m late, pookie — been trapped in the house don’tchknow! Happy belated birthday, hun!

    Reply

  28. bschooled
    Feb 29, 2012 @ 11:58:11

    HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY! I spent most of my twenties drunk, so luckily I have no recollection of past birthdays. But I’m guessing there were a few that were similar to your 22nd. Only without the “ending up in marriage” part.

    Reply

  29. Dani
    Feb 29, 2012 @ 13:10:40

    Happy belated birthday, Misy my love!!!

    I can relate to your birthday woes, seeing as MY big day is 5 days before freaking Christmas. (Yeah… try to get people to skip Jesus’s birthday to come to YOUR party. Good luck with that…)

    I missed your big day because for some reason, my email didn’t bother letting me know you had a new blog post. I’m pretty irked at gmail right this minute.

    I hope your day was FAB and that the only tragic thing that happened that day is that I woke up with sciatica!!!

    xoxoxo

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 29, 2012 @ 16:12:52

      Damn. So basically your email was hating on me on my birthday?? That shit is just wrong.

      That’s ok, even though you are late to the party, I always appreciate any attention thrown my way. As long as it is the good kind. Karma can look away, thanks.

      Sorry about the sciatica! Maybe Karma got lost on the way up to AC and landed on you instead? She is kinda a dumb bitch like that. Oops!

      Reply

  30. Trackback: It’s My Birthday . . . So I’m Phoning It In | Misty's Laws
  31. Trackback: Birthday Extravaganza | Misty's Laws
  32. Trackback: One Year Closer to Death | Misty's Laws

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