My Chemical Romance

I’ve been struggling with a problem for years.  There is a substance that I just cannot escape.  I can’t go a day without it.  Sometimes, I even need another hit in the afternoon.  It is all consuming and I cannot hide this shameful secret any longer.  I think I am finally ready to admit to my weakness . . . my unrelenting need . . . my addiction.

Hello.  My name is Misty.  And I am . . . a coffee-holic! *

It’s true.  I am a slave to the allure of the caffeine deliciousness found within that sweet sweet elixir of ground and brewed drugginess.  I want it.  I need it.  I cannot function without it.  But, I am oddly ok with that.

Yeah, that right up there?  Is totally me without my coffee in the morning.  My poor family has discovered the perils of conversing with me in the AM prior to the occurence of my first cup of java being ingested.  Even then, it’s probably safe to give me a little space and a bit of time for the caffeine to begin flowing through my veins.  Really, for your own safety, it is a must.

Every single morning, I have a cup of coffee.  Sometimes it is brewed in my very own coffee pot at home.  Sometimes I stop at the Mecca of all coffee (no not Starbucks, pfft!), Dunkin Donuts, where I get myself a Caramel Iced Latte to start my day.  Once I have consumed the delicious Juan Valdez kissed concoction of wakeyness that is my coffee/latte, then I feel safe to interact with other humans without fear of accidental murderings occurring.

I freely admit that I am addicted to the gods of caffeine.  I cannot get through the day without at least one cup of coffee.  I once, out of necessity and sheer extreme lateness, had to go an entire morning while dealing with court insanity, without any coffee.  It was not pretty, people.  That’s all I’ll say.  I need that first cup of coffee and I need it immediately upon waking.

Actual 12″x16″ metal sign in my office.

I used to be ok with just that one morning coffee to get me through the day.  As long as I had that early morning caffeine infusion, I was good to go.  But recently, I have found myself dragging in the PM, and more often than not, I need another java jolt to get me through the rest of my day.

True story.

The problem with this newfound resurgence requirement . . . well, it is shameful.  I have a deep dark secret that I am finally going to reveal here to all of you.  They say confession is good for the soul and all that crap, right?  Alright then, I am going to unburden myself of this as of yet revealed secret shame and hope to be all joyously uplifted from the burden of this revelation.  Please be kind and try not to judge.

My secret is . . . I can’t make coffee.  Now, before you think I’m all lazy and just want other people to make coffee for me, nothing could be further from the truth.  Ok, so maybe it’s a little close to the truth.  I am in fact lazy.  And I do love when someone else makes coffee for me.  But the real issue is that I really want to be able to make my own coffee, but just do not have the skill.  I regularly have to make coffee in the morning as my husband travels a lot.  When he is home, he makes the coffee.  He makes good coffee.  When he is travelling, I make the coffee.  I make horrible coffee.  But it’s having coffee vs. not having coffee, so I make it and drink it anyway.  Blech.  No matter what combination of grounds to water I use, it always turns out . . . wrong somehow.  Too weak, too bitter, too strong . . . always practically undrinkable.  And sometimes I even get grounds IN the coffee, and I have no idea how that happens.  It is like some sort of mental block or handicap that I have.  (I am so ashamed!).

This also becomes a problem when I find myself in need of a resurgence of caffeine in the afternoon.  We have a coffee pot in the office.  I am also surrounded by no less than 3 coffee shops within a 2 block radius of my office.  However, sometimes I am just too busy to run out to get coffee and I want a cup while I’m in the office.  There is also the money factor.  I can’t just keep spending $3-$4 every single day on coffee.  I’ve done it.  It gets really expensive, this habit of mine.  Probably cheaper than crack, but maybe not by much.

What this leads me to is the need to ask my secretary, almost every day, to make coffee for me.  And I am just not that type of person.  I am not one of those bureaucratic assholes that makes his secretary wipe his ass for him.  I am extremely self sufficient at my job, with my secretary only doing the most basic of word processing and docket prep duties for me.  Luckily, she is rad as shit and doesn’t mind when I beg her to supply me with my drug.  But I hate being that cliche attorney asking their secretary to make coffee for them.  It is shameful, really.

MY office supplies (mug courtesy of Allie Brosh of Hyperbole & a Half . . . I miss her!).

.

But, this is the one I REALLY want (ahem . . . I love presents . . . ahem).

In a previous life, I was a legal secretary.  I know how it feels to have a demanding and unreasonable (usually lazy as balls) attorney as my boss.  I once worked for one such example of douchenuggetry.  He was  such a massive waste of space and lazy piece of crap that he would call me on the intercom and tell me (not ask me, mind you) to go get him a soda.  So, I would have to stop doing whatever work I was doing (work for him), to run down the hall, grab a soda, and bring it to him in his office, which was 3 FEET AWAY FROM MY DESK.  It’s not like I was down the hall, or the refrigerator was under my desk.  Even then . . .  In fact, he was probably actually closer to the fridge than I was.  But that was inconsequential.  The important part is that I worked for him, and I was expected to do his bidding.

I vowed to never be that kind of boss that expects people to do basic things for me, things that I can do for my damn self.  And I never have been . . . until now.  I am now that boss that makes her secretary (although I do ask her super nicely) to make me coffee.  Something that I damn well could do all on my own.  I just really don’t wanna drink my shitty coffee.  Nor do I want to subject the other coffee drinkers in the office to that brand of awfulness.  It is just inhumane, is what it is.  Really, I’m being selfless in my thoughts of others and protecting them from my horrible coffee making skills.  Right?

Ok, fine.  I’m completely selfish and I just want some good coffee.  Is that so wrong?

—————————————————————————————————————–

What is your addiction?  What item can you not get through the day without?  Any secret shame from some basic task that you Just. Can’t. Do?

* No offense to any groups that meet for counseling or addiction management.  This is all in jest, of course.

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54 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. bluzdude
    May 21, 2012 @ 09:21:13

    I used to have coffee every weekend morning… then every weekday morning in the winter, before I finally decided it was too much hassle to make and clean up. It was never an addiction or anything, just a habit I picked up from my parents.

    For the most part, I replaced coffee with Diet Coke. Used to drink about 4 per day, but have cut down to one or two… but one is always at breakfast.

    When I was a kid, my parents trained me to make the coffee on the weekends. From 3rd grade on, I’d get up, make the coffee, then bring each of them a cup up to their room. Then I’d pour myself a cup (with lots of cream and sugar) and join them. I did this every weekend until I was a sophomore in high school, and realized how much more fun it was to sleep late.

    (Oh, and I miss Allie too! Funniest blog ever.)

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 24, 2012 @ 15:34:12

      Oh man! I never even thought about training my kids to make coffee. Then again, that means I would be getting 6:00 am wake up calls on the weekends because they think when the sun rises, so should they! I wish they would also learn of the joys of sleeping in.

      Reply

  2. weezafish
    May 21, 2012 @ 09:23:39

    Oh I see your ploy, get your readers to admit to their ‘drugs’? You think we don’t know you’re a lawyer? 🙂
    “I vowed to never be that kind of boss that expects people to do basic things for me, things that I can do for my damn self.” Me too. But by your own admission, you can’t make coffee your damn self so ask for your coffee guilt free. Although I did work with this guy once who would make terrible coffee intentionally so nobody ever asked him to make …..

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 24, 2012 @ 15:36:09

      Oh no, you’ve discovered my evil plan. I was just trying to drum up some business to get some new clients!!! 🙂

      I am not actually faking it. I wish I was, but I’m not that diabolical. Luckily, my secretary is hella cool and doesn’t mind making it when I ask. I just hate to ask and feel guilty for making her do something for me that is just so . . . Mad Men secretarial.

      Reply

  3. Andrea
    May 21, 2012 @ 09:43:24

    Sounds like somebody needs a Keurig!

    Reply

  4. cornfedgirl
    May 21, 2012 @ 09:47:17

    I still love you even though you can’t brew coffee. I’m addicted to it as well (we make our own so that I can use that $3-$4 here and there for shoes). I also have an on again/off again sugar addiction but I don’t want to talk about it….

    I can’t get my hair to defy gravity, whistle with my fingers or rollerskate, so the 80’s were very diffcult for me.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 24, 2012 @ 15:38:53

      Thank you for accepting me despite all of my failures! 🙂

      You can’t rollerskate? And what about with Aqua Net? What on earth did you do to your bangs in the 80’s? Were they just . . . flat? Oh, Johi . . . I’m so sorry to hear that.

      Reply

  5. gojulesgo
    May 21, 2012 @ 09:59:44

    Girrrrl, I have one word for you: Keurig! It’s a god send. I don’t make good coffee either, but this thing? Perfect cup every time. I drink two cups of Newman’s Own extra bold every day and it’s 50 cents each cup. Well worth $1/day. Plus, I order the coffee cups from Keurig.com, so it comes to my door (free shipping) and it’s a good deal. I rarely find coffee anywhere else that’s as good. And they have every kind of coffee/tea under the sun if you’re not into this one!

    And what’s the latest with hyperbole and a half? I haven’t been there in a while; I thought she was coming out with a book? She’s HILARIOUS! Peas and Cougars on WordPress is similar, as is Mayor Gia. Both fabulous!

    P.S. – That poem about the bird would have had me snorting coffee out my nose – if I hadn’t already downed mine like the fellow addict I am 😉

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 24, 2012 @ 15:42:01

      Yeah, the hubs bought me one as a gift one time, but I took it back. It just seemed too expensive to make coffee and didn’t seem like “real” coffee for some reason. I wish I had one at work, though, because that would probably solve my problem. But those things are EXPENSIVE.

      I don’t know what’s going on with Allie. Yeah, she was supposedly working on a book, but her last post was about depression, so maybe she’s having a rough time? I got the impression that while working on her book, she wouldn’t be blogging, so maybe she will return to it once the book is out. I hope so. That kind of hilarious genius needs to be shared!

      Reply

  6. The Real Dave
    May 21, 2012 @ 10:19:21

    I can’t have them every day, or even every week, because I’d bankrupt myself and pass into a diabetic coma, but at least twice a month I have to get myself a box of cini-minis (miniature cinnamon rolls) from the Kroger in town. What makes it a true addiction is the fact that I’ll secretly get them and sneak them into the house, wait until everyone leaves, then eat them all in one sitting. No kidding. Please don’t tell my wife.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 24, 2012 @ 15:43:23

      Ooooo, I’m telling!!! 🙂

      That IS a true secret addiction. But that’s ok, Dave. You are amongst friends here. This is a safe place. No judgment!

      Reply

  7. Danielle Charlton Geer
    May 21, 2012 @ 10:21:40

    I actually had the “Hello, My Name Is Coffee Slut” as my Facebook cover photo for the past two weeks or so. True story.

    I love coffee. I am a coffee snob. I can’t get through the day without it, either.

    Other evil addictions include:

    Orville Redenbacher 94% fat free butter flavored popcorn. If I don’t have other grown ups monitoring my behavior, I will eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

    Good n Plentys… They make me insanely happy. I would also eat THEM for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You have no idea how amazing they taste with coffee for breakfast.

    Pine Sol.

    I belong on My Strange Addiction because I love the smell of Pine Sol. I add it to my laundry, clean the house with it, unscrew the lid and smell it, just for kicks…

    DON’T JUDGE ME.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 24, 2012 @ 15:44:54

      I won’t judge you . . . for that. 😉

      You really wash your clothes with Pine Sol? Are you originally from a very wooded area and you just miss the scent? I actually can’t stand the smell of pine. It kinda gives me a headache in a large enough concentration. Blech.

      Reply

  8. red
    May 21, 2012 @ 10:45:47

    Yes to coffee. (Don’t listen to the keurig hawkers – it won’t save you any money, just time. Have your hubby teach you his secret.)

    But my biggest, worst addiction?

    Hi, my name is Red, and I’m a recovering ice-cream-aholic. My addiction is so bad that a half-gallon of the blessed creamy goodness will only take me 2 sittings to finish off. I learned never to keep ice-cream in the house.
    Thank you for your support!

    Reply

  9. Leauxra
    May 21, 2012 @ 11:12:53

    Mmm…. coffee… although I will admit that given the choice, I will usually choose diet Mountain Dew over coffee in the morning. Something is broken in my brain that I can’t get over my high school addiction for soda in the morning.

    Coffee in the afternoon? The BEST THING EVER.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 24, 2012 @ 15:47:27

      No judgment here or anything, but I always thought of Mt Dew as battery acid. Didn’t stop me from drinking it in High School, but yeah.

      I have become dependant on an afternoon fix, and am totally sluggish and cranky without it. It is a problem.

      Reply

  10. thoughtsappear
    May 21, 2012 @ 12:42:40

    Are you originally from up north? My ASL teacher loves DD over Starbucks, too, and she’s from Boston. I hear DDs are everywhere up there.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 24, 2012 @ 15:48:35

      Nope. I’m a MDer through and through. I just really love DD. I think it’s also laziness, in that the local DD is a drive-thru, so it makes it super easy to grab a latte in the morning. I like Starbucks as well, though, and will totally go there if it’s convenient.

      Reply

  11. Andi
    May 21, 2012 @ 13:44:57

    I had to give up all my addictions for health reasons (yes, it sucked). Goodbye chocolate milk, diet soda and Starbucks lattes. The only addiction I still indulge in is White Russians and then only VERY occasionally.

    I can’t make coffee either, but for a truly crippling handicap, try this: I can’t do more than the most basic things on my computer. People try to show me things, but then I get so intimidated by their exasperation that it acts like a mental block and I can’t learn. I was all impressed with myself when I figured out how to add links on my blog because that is some Mensa shit for me right there. I could improve my blog so much if I only knew how (cries).

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 24, 2012 @ 15:50:43

      That really sucks, Andi. Sometimes, for my big butt’s sake, I wish I became allergic to pasta and chocolate. Seriously.

      I am also kind of a doofus when it comes to computer stuff. I am of the “click on everything until something works but have no idea ever how to do it again” school of computer processing. I am kind of a genius like that. Don’t be jealous.

      Reply

  12. Kitten Thunder's Girl
    May 21, 2012 @ 13:58:51

    My niece and nephew have learned at their young age that no one in our family will do anything with them until coffee has been had. It is not my fault that they get up before dawn and are bored by the time I drag myself from bed. They can wait.

    That said…I do not make myself coffee when The Boy is away unless I remember to prepare it the night before so I can just hit the button. In the morning I am not capable of measuring, filling and brewing in the correct order – something will go horribly wrong.

    I was, though, a barrista in high school. Best preparation for life, ever.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 24, 2012 @ 15:52:01

      Train them young and train them well, Angi!!

      So, you were a barrista but can’t prepare coffee correctly in the morning? Hmmm, that seems a bit . . . off to me. But then I remember my mental state every morning and it sounds just about right.

      Reply

  13. hmiliman
    May 21, 2012 @ 16:28:09

    Ok, so first of all, I can’t make coffee either. Fiance thinks its an act to get him to do it for me all the time, but it’s real. So very, unfortunately real.
    But on the up side – coffee is now good for you! http://healthland.time.com/2012/05/16/study-finds-coffee-drinkers-live-longer/
    We’re not addicted, we’re health-conscious, bitches! (My personal theory is that you’re more likely to live longer because after 5 cups of coffee, you’re so damned wired you can literally dodge flying bullets.)

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 24, 2012 @ 15:53:01

      I heard about that!! Healthy living for the win!

      I also like the theory that my addiction is actually helping me be more Matrix-like. I will be flipping up walls any day now!!

      Reply

  14. Jen
    May 21, 2012 @ 17:43:31

    They will never take away my fucking coffee. It’s the only vice I have left. Le sigh…

    Reply

  15. She's a Maineiac
    May 21, 2012 @ 17:59:01

    What is my addiction? Well, if you take the above post and substitute ‘lawyer’ for ‘stay at home mom’ I could post it on my blog.

    Huge Dunkin Donuts fan here. Also, I can’t make good coffee. There are always coffee grounds IN the coffee pot. And you don’t know until you get down to that last gulp. Blech. How the hell does that happen? It mystifies me. I tell my husband I meant to do it, that I’ve read the grounds give you that extra oomph in the morning. He makes the coffee now.

    Before my first cup in the morning, I am like night of the living dead. No one can talk to me. No one can look at me. I make a beeline for the coffee pot, get my first mug, suck it down in record time. Then and only then can anyone approach me or say anything to me. Still, it’s not until the second cup when I really start to become human again.

    Reply

  16. Vesta Vayne
    May 22, 2012 @ 01:14:48

    I cannot function without coffee. No, I just can’t.

    It’s my last vice, and you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands before I give it up.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 24, 2012 @ 15:55:47

      I hear you, girl. I hear you. Coffee is my life blood. I don’t know what I will do once the Apocalypse comes. I will be chewing on coffee beans to sustain my habit!

      Reply

  17. Madeleine
    May 22, 2012 @ 13:56:41

    I can no longer make RICE that I will eat. Seriously, my husband makes better rice than I do, and he swears he doesn’t do anything special to it, that he learned to make it from me. I’m not ashamed, but I am baffled.

    Reply

  18. Jayne
    May 22, 2012 @ 14:30:29

    Diet Pepsi. Nectar of the Gods.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 24, 2012 @ 15:57:07

      The hubs used to be addicted to that. Like 12 pack A DAY addicted. He has kicked the habit, and is now addicted to Turkey Hill Diet Green Tea. Trade off?

      Reply

  19. Madame Weebles
    May 22, 2012 @ 14:42:05

    Coffee. Oh my lord, yes. Yes yes yes a million times yes. Not because it wakes me up or gives me more energy, really, because it doesn’t. I’ve been drinking coffee for too long for it to have any effect on me like that. But it’s just so soothing and yummy and wonderful. The whole coffee experience–making the coffee, selecting the mug, watching it brew, pouring in the milk…holding a nice warm mug in your hands, smelling the aroma, before that first wonderful wonderful sip.

    Excuse me, I have to go make some more coffee now.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 24, 2012 @ 15:58:30

      Hee. You really paint a picture, girl. That is me on the weekends, when I can sit with my Red M&Ms mug (hush!) and enjoy my coffee. Weekdays is grab and go in the car, so not quite as relaxing and enjoyable, but still necessary.

      Reply

  20. Inappropriately Nat (@natsnaughty)
    May 22, 2012 @ 15:09:57

    I make terrible coffee, too. This is why I have a Keurig. It doesn’t make amazing coffee– but it makes better coffee than I make.

    Reply

  21. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    May 22, 2012 @ 17:06:15

    I also don’t know how to make coffee – not even bad coffee. But, that’s mainly because I also don’t drink coffee. It taste yucky to me.

    Reply

  22. Jo
    May 22, 2012 @ 20:37:51

    Is it a real addiction if there isn’t a 12 step program for it?

    And….chocolate. Or cake. Wait…sweet tea. No, cigarettes.

    Reply

  23. Jeff Laws
    May 24, 2012 @ 21:14:59

    Blah! Can’t stand coffee. My addiction was Mountain Dew but I’m down to one 20oz bottle at lunch break. I used to drink 3 or 4 of them just there. And I don’t buy any pop anymore for home. Not that I’m healthy or anything, but more because I drink a crap load of sweet tea there. Married a southern girl who makes it herself.

    Reply

  24. Cheryl S.
    May 25, 2012 @ 09:03:03

    For home, I have one word for you — Kuerig. You cannot mess this up. Put pod in machine, close machine, press brew. Delicious coffee, no measuring required.

    As for work,in the morning before you start on your day (if you’re not doing early morning hearings) have your secretary or whoever show you how to do the coffee machine!

    I LOVE my coffee too. But my big downfalls are ice cream (I can’t keep it in my house) and peanut butter. I’m completely addicted. It’s sick, really. Especially the peanut butter. . . .

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      May 25, 2012 @ 09:40:01

      Yeah, others have mentioned the Kuerig.

      And the problem isn’t that I don’t know how to make the coffee. It’s just that it never turns our right for some reason. So a tutorial will not help, unfortunately.

      Oooh, now you have me craving Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup ice cream. Mmmmmmm.

      Reply

  25. Victor Hartwell
    May 29, 2012 @ 16:10:59

    Have you perhaps thought about a french press? It is the only way I make coffee, all you do is dump in coffee and hot water, it is AWESOME 🙂

    Reply

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