The Schticky

I have young kids.  And I am pretty good at making sure that if they are watching television, it is either something kid friendly, or at least not the Kardashians or Real Housewives, where every other word is Bitch or Ass.  I’m not keen on my kids picking up new and colorful phrases from reality stars, thanks.  My oldest watches a couple shows with me in the evening when his little brother has gone to bed, but they are mostly things I have DVR’d for us to watch, like Restaurant Impossible, So You Think You Can Dance or Dancing with the Stars.  Mostly, those shows keep it clean.  Also, if they are shows I have recorded, it gives me the added opportunity to zip through the commercials so that 1) we don’t have to deal with that crap, and 2) he doesn’t see things that he wants me to buy for him.

Well, that all changed when we were watching a live program one evening and were subjected to porn in the form of an infomercial.  We were innocently watching some horse racing, as his dad is into that kind of thing, and really it was just kinda filler in the background, as there wasn’t anything else really on to watch.  So, just hanging out as a family, watching stats about the upcoming race scroll across the screen, when they cut to commercial.  And that is when all innocence was shattered.  We were introduced to Vince Offer, and his schticky:

The Schticky

Here are some of the images that probably scarred my poor seven year old child for life.  (See if you can guess which phrases were actually said in the commercial):

You can clean your home in a quicky, when you use your schticky.

My schticky is this big.

Who needs a man?  Use the schticky to feel yourself up!!

Problem with that shedding pussy?

Slippery when wet, schticky when dry.

Hey Vince!  Oh, you’re playing with your schticky.  I’m sorry.

Use schticky anytime, anyplace and with anyone.  (Especially with the stewardess in the airplane bathroom while your wife is sleeping).

You’re gonna like the little schticky . . .

. . . but you’re gonna LOVE the BIG SCHTICKY!

Big schticky, regular schticky and little schticky for one low price . . . gang bang, anyone??

No thank you, Vince.  I do not want to purchase your schticky.  And I would greatly appreciate it if you would keep your schticky safely tucked into the pay per program sex stations that my husband and I scroll through in the TV’s Guide and make fun of.  Quit waving your schticky around for young children to get a gander at, you pedophile.  Nobody wants to see it!  Don’t make me call Chris Hansen on your ass.

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Any suggestive or mildly pornographic commercials/infomercials you have been molested by lately?  Have you ever experienced Vince’s tiny schticky?  Was it good for you?

I Mustache You a Question . . .

. . . but I’ll shave it for later.

Recently I’ve noticed an all encompassing phenomenon that seems to have swept the nation. Not since bell bottoms were all the rage at Studio 54 has this trend been so societally accepted and even desirable. Wherever I turn, it seems that I am confronted with another example of how wonderful and sexy these examples of manliness and stud muffiness are. Although, it would seem that the last time these bushy beauties were so popular, they were represented on a certain TV detective from Hawaii.

I am of course talking about the glorious and regal . . . mustache.

The mustache is everywhere nowadays. It’s resurgence has come as somewhat of a surprise to me, because although it seems to be all the rage in websites and novelty items, not to mention iPhone cases, T-shirts and mugs . . .

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. . . I have yet to see this resurgence become evident on real life mens’ faces. (Except for gay porn, Freddie Mercury look-alike contests, or the occasional ironic hipster mustache). The goatee seems to still be the facial blanket of choice, along with the always classic full beard. But the mustache has not been evident as a current choice in manly lip fuzz since the 70’s and 80’s.

Alright, alright!

So I guess my question is this . . . what is up with all the mustache love?

Recently I came across a website called steeshes.com, which is all about men and their mustaches. It was a recommended blog on WordPress, so one of the powers that be must also have an appreciation for these fuzzy lip warmers as well.

Not only that, but my good friend Jules, of Go Jules Go, is absolutely enthralled by all things mustachio. Her profile pic is of her in a mustache, she talks about mustaches constantly, and she even had a recent contest featuring mustaches. Not that I don’t love her dearly, but what is up with all this mustache adoration, hmm?

So, not wanting to fall behind on this new trend, I’m thinking I’m going to have to jump on this bandwagon before I’m the last loser to get how awesome this stache-loving society actually is. Based on this now newfound love of all things mustache, I feel it is my duty to share this love with all of you.

Remember how I mentioned novelty items? It seems like every store I have visited lately had some sort of mustache themed item. Well, with this awakening of my new mustachio adoration, I finally decided to purchase one of those items. And I will share that item with you.

That’s right, it’s giveaway time again, bitches!! This here is the magical mustache merchandise:

Dare to wear facial hair!

It is all yours for the low low price of . . . oh, wait. I said giveaway, didn’t I? Ok, fine. This is what you have to do to win this glorious item: Tell me who your favorite mustached man is and the reason that he is your favorite.

I will once again have one of my chilluns pick a name from all of the submissions. I might even make them wear a mustache. Not sure if that will qualify as child abuse or not, so once I do a little research on the case law, I will make a legal determination on that.

So for now, I will bid you all adieu. You have your directive and know what you must do.

Anatomy of a Day Off

This past friday I decided to take a day off from work.  I took a personal day because I needed to try to be a person for one day.  As opposed to an attorney dealing with the myriad of bullshit I wade through on a daily basis.  So, this is my run down of how to achieve the perfect day off:

STEP ONESLEEP IN

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This is a crucial first step.  You must start the day without an alarm blaring you awake into the cold cruel world.  This step is also enhanced by the fact that your kids are with their grandparents for the week, the hubs is still in Brazil and the au pair is in San Francisco, so there is nobody there to possibly wake you before, say . . . 9:00.

STEP TWOTAKE A BATH

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See, once you wake from your comfortable slumber, you can’t just rush into action.  No, that is a rookie mistake.  You must face the world in a leisurely fashion.  You have a long day ahead of you.  You don’t wanna strain something so early-ish in your day!  Once you have brewed some coffee (we’ll call that step 1 & 1/2), you need to run a nice warm bubble bath, get yourself a book, and settle in for some relaxation.  This will be especially lovely as there will be nobody there to disturb you by barging in mid-bath, or by asking “how much longer do you think you’re gonna be?”  Please also refer to this step as:  HEAVEN.

STEP THREEGET A PEDICURE

This is also a crucial step, as it is currently sandal season, your poor toes are in desperate need of a new shellacking, and really, when else are you gonna have the chance to sit in a salon in the middle of the day watching TV and getting your legs messaged?

Once you enter and hear those fateful words . . . “Peek a Cah-lah” . . . you briefly consider getting this shade, in honor of your friend Darla over at She’s a Maineiac:

MAINE-IAC MAUVE

But decide that it is just a little too Mauve for your taste.  You end up going with an old favorite:

SENORITA ROSE-ALITA

Which is a bit more pinkish/reddish and matches the spring-like weather and your personal preference.  Once your color is “peeked,” you sit in a comfy massage chair with your tootsies soaking in warm water.  Ahhhhh. 

The TV is playing Days of Our Lives, which you marvel at the fact that since the last time you watched this show, oh about 15 years ago, none of the characters have changed or apparently even aged.  The girl doing your nails also remarks that since she started watching about that long ago, everything is the same.

Hello, Victor.

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Hey there! Pay attention to the feetsies, please.

Then, while your nails are being painted, you realize that Ellen is now on, which you never see because you are always at work, so you get a little excited, because Ellen is the bomb dot com!

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Then you get a lot less excited when you hear that her guest is Russell Brand.  Blech.  What a douchecanoe!

But . . . you now have pretty toes at least . . . once they are done drying anyway:

STEP FOURLUNCH (AKA GO TO COSTCO)

Since all you’ve consumed today was a cup of coffee in the AM, you are realizing that you are starting to get a mite bit hungry.  Which is good, because you also coincidentally need to go to Costco to pick up a bunch of jumbo sized items, and this is about the time where they start giving out samples, so you know that you will be fed.  Huzzah!

Once you arrive, the first food station you see offers some peanuts:


Ok, fine.  We’ll call that a starter snack to get your stomach prepped for the oncoming onslaught of tasty goodies in store for you.  No problem.  Nuts are good.

The next 2 food posts you encounter give you a cracker with cream cheese and some spicy salsa stuff on it, and a little cup of salad:

Wait.  Did someone call ahead and tell them I was on a diet?  Because this rabbit food will not do.  I’m gonna need some real stuff soon.  I don’t go to Costco to eat salad.  I could have made one of those at home, thank you.

Next item . . . yogurt:

Ok, seriously . . . what is with the damn diet foods?  There better be some pizza rolls or something soon or it’s not gonna be pretty.  Let’s see what’s next, shall we?

Cereal?  Are you kidding me?  Ok, shit’s about to get real up in he-ah.  I am about done with this crazy “good for you” crap.  I need real food.  Ok Costco, you get one more shot to get it right, or it’s going to get apocalyptic in about a minute.  Let’s see what the next station has to offer . . .

NOW we’re talking!!  That’s a pita pocketed cheeseburger.  Nom nom nom.

French Fries?  Oh hell yeah!  You should consider yourself lucky, Costco.  You just barely saved yourself with these items.  I will put the flamethrower back into my purse now.  You were this close though, you know that right? 

Next up was a continuation of more delectable food items:

Pulled pork.

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Naan with melted Provolone.

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Salmon . . . yummy!

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And for dessert . . . raspberry cream cheese pastry!

Then, you must pick up a treat for all your hard work shopping at this mega superstore . . . mixed fruit smoothie to wash all those treats down:

Then after all that hard work you have done during the day, you make your way home.  It is around this time that your husband should be home from his trip and waiting for you.  Which leads us to . . .

STEP FIVEPRESENTS!!

Obviously at this point, you deserve to be rewarded for all the hard work you have done all day.  And since your husband has been in Brazil and Argentina for a week, while you stayed home all by your lonesome and trudged through your days going to your hateful job (which refuses to fly you to any exotic locales, no matter how much you try to convince them that sending you to a conference in Paris will help you better serve the citizens of Baltimore!), of course, you will deserve some rewards.  And rewards you shall receive!!

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The thing on the upper left is a mask. Not sure what you are supposed to be doing with booze and a blindfold?

Ah yes, welcome home hubs.  Not only did he bring home treats from afar, mainly consisting of booze related products . . . he also returned with a new recipe for a drink, which he proceeded to whip up a batch of. 

Caipirinha. Yummy!

STEP SIXWATCH TIGHTROPE WALKING?

Yeah, so this part wasn’t exactly a planned activity, but we happened upon this special about this guy, a descendent of the Flying Walendas apparently, who was planning on walking across a tightrope wire strung across Niagara Falls.  We watched the proceeding special which showed his grandfather plummeting to his death in a similar attempt on a wire strung between two buildings in Puerto Rico many years ago.  We were somewhat intrigued.  And a little exited to see the possibility of a guy facing the same fate as his grandfather, not gonna lie.  Not sure what that says about us, but I think it’s best to leave that unexcavated for now.

So after all this build up, he starts his trek across the falls.  Which is the point where we notice that he is actually tethered to the rope!  At that point, it lost most of it’s thrill.  I mean, even if he falls, the only thing that will be hurt is his pride.  Not that I am in any way wishing for this guy to be harmed or die or anything, but when you build it up as this great feat that other members of his family perished while attempting, it just lessens the suspense factor when he is hooked in by a harness is all.  

Anyway, he made it across just fine, didn’t fall or anything, and I’m sure it was very difficult and quite the accomplishment for him.  Next time, though, I’ll probably watch something else. 

AND THUS ENDS THIS TUTORIAL ON HOW TO EXPERIENCE THE PERFECT DAY OFF.

What do YOU like to do on your day off to make it perfect?  Did I miss anything?

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Last call for your own weekly whacked pictures.  If you have them, send them on over to mistyslaws at gmail dot com by Wednesday.  If you haven’t taken any yet, what are you waiting for???  Get to snapping and send them to me so you can be prominently displayed on Friday for your talented ability to capture the absurd all around you. 

Also, if you are actually working on a portrait of me as I requested last week, just let me know.  I like to have that divine feeling of anticipation.  🙂

Abercrombie & Hootch

A little while back I found myself in the mall. Now, if you know anything about me, you will know how much I detest going to the mall. I hate shopping with a passion, and being around a large number of people makes me twitchy. But alas, at times it is a necessity. There is also the added bonus of sometimes seeing a plethora of unfortunates that I can shoot for an upcoming Whacked post. This was just such a time.

As I was in mall hell, seeing these lovelies, I decided to share this experience with my friend Jen:

Me: Ah, the mall. The whacked’s motherland . . .

Jen: I demand photos for my viewing pleasure!

Me: Fine. Here . . .

And with those two pictures, we started what ended up being an all day epic conversation that just might change retail as we know it today . . .

Jen: Where are you? Outside ‘Abercrombie & Hootch’?

Me: Nope. H&M . . . Hookers & Morons. Or . . . Whorister.

Jen: Or . . . Forver 69.

Me: The Clap.

Jen: White House/Black Market Prostitute.

Me: Sears & Hobucks.

Jen: Then maybe lunch at Jackoff in The Box?

Me: Dessert at Coldstone CreamYourPants?

Jen: Then shopping for the teens at American Spreadeagle Outfitters?

Me: Nice.

Jen: We are a couple of klassy bitches, babe.

Me: You want klassy? How about we go to Jizzboree.

Jen: That was magical. ((slow-clap)).

(I live for Jen’s slow claps, y’all!) 🙂

Me: The Sharper Himbo.

Jen: Ooh! The Jizz-ney Store!

Me: Michael Whores.

Jen: Calvin Chlamydia.

Me: Old Nooner.

Jen: Vera Wang . . . the joke just writes itself.

Me: True dat.

Jen: K.Y. Mart.

Me: Homoerotic Depot.

Jen: J. Screw.

Me: T.J. Sexx.

Jen: Michael’s Tarts & Cracks.

Me: Bath & Hottie Works.

Jen: Victoria’s Secretions. 😉

Me: Um, ewww.

Jen: You’re welcome.

Me: Linens & Thongs.

Jen: Men’s Whorehouse.

Me: Expricks.

Jen: Ha! My first job after college was managing an Expricks!

Me: Fellatio Shack.

Jen: Whores R Us.

Me: Jerkoffice Depot.

Jen: 69 West.

Me: Waltart.

Jen: Hole Foods.

Me: Auntie Handjob’s Pretzels.

Jen: Office Deep-Ho.

Me: Beefcake Factory.

Jen: Ballsacks 5th Avenue.

Me: Wockenpussy.

Jen: Syph-Whore-A.

Me: Easy Spankit.

Jen: Build A Bare-Ass.

Me: Grabme & Evelyn.

Jen: That was rad.

Me: Pearl Necklace Vision.

Jen: Oh my God . . . that was epic. I bow down to your porn glory.

Me: One more and then I’m crashing for the night . . . Kay Jizzlers.

Jen: Good night. And I leave you with: The Lesbo (Lego) Store.

Me: Ha! Ok, I lied . . . this is it, though: L.L. Peen. Thank you and goodnight!

And the Golden Globe Goes To . . .

Ok, fine.  It’s not a Golden Globe.  It’s not even a People’s Choice Award.  But it is time to reveal the winners of not one, but two . . . two . . . two mints in one!!  Um, I mean two prizes.  I’m not giving anybody mints.  Not this time anyway.

Our first prize was a pick your own adventure type giveaway.  The choice was this:

This super radical and totally bodacious 80’s flashback iPhone case, or . . .

. . . this equally as rad, but non-throwback Pad of Awesomeness.

So, whoever won got to pick their prize.  And I guess now you are wondering who the lucky winner is, yes?  Well, thankfully, I once again had my trusty steed boy to help pick the winner for this prize.  Take it away 6!!

And the winner is . . . . (drumroll):

THOUGHTSY!!!

Yep, that’s right.  It’s mah girl, Thoughtsy!!  And lest you think there is some kinda home cooking action here, I had absolutely nothing to do with it!  Blame it all on the wee tot whom I ejected from my loins.

Now, I know that Thoughtsy doesn’t have an iPhone, so I’m assuming she would pick the Pad.  However, maybe she’s in a giving mood, and wants the totally awesome case to give to some deserving sort (Keifer?).  The point is, it’s her choice and she will just have to let me know which one she wants.  IT’S UP TO YOU, THOUGHTSY!!

But wait!  That leaves whichever prize Thoughtsy doesn’t pick just sitting there, all lonely and last picked on the playground for dodgeball sad.  So, in order to cheer up this morose little prize, I decided that I would give that away too!  So, I enlisted the help of 6 once again, and he picked another winner for the runner up prize:

And the 1st runner up is . . . (don’t you love how they try to make it sound all special by calling it “1st runner up” when really it is just second place or Ms. Soooo Close?  Sorry . . . tangent):

JULES!!!!

Woo-hoo!  Go Jules Go!  Ahem . . . anyway.  Jules, you will have to wait to see what Thoughtsy picks, and then you get the leftovers the other equally as fantastic prize.  And I know you DO have an iPhone, so hopefully you will enjoy either one.  (I mean, it’s no mustache case, but then again, what is?).  Or you and Thoughtsy can just fight it out in an epic cage match to the death and whoever survives gets the prize!  I mean, you know, whatever works for y’all.

But wait . . . there’s more!  Call right now and you will get TWO items for the price of ONE!! 

Um, I mean . . . I am also going to reveal the winner of the Bloggess sticker as well! 

Signed by The Goddess herself!

For this task, I had my wee child of 4 draw the name from a hat:

And yes, in case you are wondering, he is a pirate.  Jake and the Neverland pirates to be exact.  What?  Did you think I was getting amateurs to do this most prestigious and important work?  Pfft!

Anyway, without any further ado (well, maybe a little ado.  You know how I love ado.  Much much ado.  About nothing usually).  Ahem, anyway . . . the winner of the Bloggess sticker is:

JILLIAN!!

Go girl, it’s ya birthday!!  Congrats to Jillian!  Just send me all your deets chica, and I will send you this fantastic prize.  mistyslaws@gmail.com.

Phew!  Man, I’m starting to feel like Bill Gates over here, just throwing out stuff to the less fortunate beggars who want just a little bit of my money awesomeness!!  Kidding!  But don’t I wish I had even a small part of his fortune.  If I did, I truly would hook y’all up with some cash.  Until then, you will just have to settle for basking in my gloriousness.  Deal?  Hey wait . . . where are you going?

Better Than a Glowing Stripper Leg Lamp!

It’s that time again, guys. It’s Award time! I’ve received 2 very prestigious awards from fellow bloggers in the last couple weeks. And it’s my job to pass these on to some other peeps out there in the blogosphere.

The first award I received is the most unique of all awards out there. It was actually created by Leauxra from Does This Make My Blog Look Fat? She is not only a hysterical blogger, a fantastic writer and a lover of the outdoors, but she is a true and talented art-eest! She not only created this award, but drew the picture representing it, which is quite spectacular. Freakishly scary as all get out, but amazing:

How ridiculously awesome but mind-rapingly terrifying is that thing?

As with all awards, this one comes with rules. Here they are:

1. Link back to the person who tagged you. Say what you will. It doesn’t have to be nice. Just know that I will find you. (Done!)

2. Run like hell and hope that that crazy bitch who is following you doesn’t saute your tongue in a butter and garlic sauce.

Wait wait. That isn’t right. That should read, “that crazy bitch that ‘joined’ you in Google Friend Connect.”

Or circled you… or whatever the hell these crazy kids do these days.

Aw, fuck it.

Run.

3. Nominate some OTHER bloggers and ensure that they will never sleep again.

Ok, so if you’ve ever made a comment on my blog, you are hereby nominated..  Lest you think you are being punished  for being a loyal follower of my blog, if you do not want to accept, feel free to ignore this.  But if you think this is pretty cool and wanna get it and pass it on . . . do it.

The next award I received was from Jayne at Ach du Lieber, Jayne!

The Kreativ Blogger Award.  Jayne thinks I’m Kreativ!  Which is high praise indeed coming from a woman who created her own Achtionary in the A to Z challenge, making up new words every day to match the specific letter for that day.  Now THAT’S Kreativ!

So, thanks so much, Jayne!

Ok, so here are the rules:

  1. Thank and link back to the person who presented you with the award.  Yep, see above.
  2. Answer the ten questions below.
  3. Share ten random facts/thoughts about yourself.
  4. Nominate seven worthy blogs for the Kreativ Blogger Award.
     

Y’all are always asking me questions.  It’s as if you actually want to know about me, or something.  How can I remain a cranky recluse if I have to keep sharing stuff about myself?  Sigh.  Ok, fine.

What is your favorite song?
This is tough.  I am a lover of a myriad of musical styles and artists, and I’m also pretty old, so I have had many favorites over the numerous years I have been on this earth.  But if I have to peg it down, I’ll go with an old standard . . . Release by Pearl Jam.  It holds a special place in my heart.

What is your favorite dessert?
Also tough.  I love so many desserts.  Probably really good Key Lime Pie (like from The Blonde Giraffe in Key West . . . best key lime pie ever!!).  Either that or maybe an old classic . . . warm Apple Pie a la Mode with vanilla bean ice cream.  Yum.  

What ticks you off?
Can I just say everything and leave it at that.  I’m pretty cranky and most things get on my nerves.  At heart, I think I’m a grumpy old 75 year old man.

When you’re upset, what do you do?
Depends on the situation and setting.  If I’m upset at work, I usually either vent with my colleagues or wait to talk to the hubs when I get home.  If I’m upset with the kids, I try not to yell and find a quiet moment to myself to calm down.  If I’m upset at some douchetastic waste of space motorist, I usually find creative and very vocal ways of expressing my absolute and utter disdain at their existence.   Anything else, I just blog about it.

Which is/was your favorite pet?
They say you never forget your first . . . my first dog was a super sweet collie/lab mix.  She was beautiful and precious and loving and full of life.  There are pictures of me as a child using her belly as a pillow for my head.  It crushed me when I came home from college on break and found out my parents had had her put down.  I mean, she was very old, could hardly walk or see anymore, and it was time.  But I loved her so, and had wanted the chance to say goodbye.  It hurt my heart to know that I would never get to pet her or hug her again.  She was the sweetest thing and I still miss her.

Which do you prefer to wear, black or white?

Black.  At all times.  Black suits, black shoes, black shirts, black dresses.  Everything I own is pretty much black, with some splashes of color here and there.  I hardly ever wear white! 

 What is your biggest fear?

I think my biggest fear is also what most parents fear . . . something horrible happening to my kids.  That is what I’m most fearful of, because obviously I have no control over it, but it would destroy me.  They are where my heart resides. 

 
What is your attitude mostly?
Please see above re: cranky old man. Also, I often tell people that my default setting is SNARK.
 
What is perfection?
Hmm, that is tough.  And this is probably going to sound awful, but probably when my kids are away with their grandparents, and I get a morning to sleep in, then take a nice long bath while reading a book uninterupted, and get to relax for an entire day with no chores.  Yep, mom of the year, right here  <——— 
 
What is your guilty pleasure?
Well, probably watching TV.  There are so many more productive things that I should be doing, but most likely I’d rather be vegging out watching something I’ve DVR’d. 
 
Ok, now’s when I have to come up with some random crap about myself to tell you.  Here goes . . .

Ten random things about me:
1.  I am mostly deaf in my left ear. 
2.  I have had piano lessons as a small child and also played the clarinet in my high school band.  I played neither instrument well. 

3. I’ve had my belly button pierced and 3 holes punched in my ears.  Only 2 holes remain open and in use.  (Why does that sound so dirty?)
4.  My youngest child’s middle name was named after my father. My oldest’s middle name is from my husband’s grandfather. 
5. My great grandfather was a preacher.  So I am descended from a holy man.  That holiness was diluted quite a bit once it got to me, obviously! 
6. My favorite sports team is the Baltimore Ravens. 
7. My first blog post ever was about a foot fetishist. 
8.
 I was trained and certified as a lifeguard as a teenager. I never actually worked as a lifeguard. 
9. I have really high arches on my feet. 
10.  When I asked my son to tell me a random fact about me, he responded, “I love you, and you’re fun to play with.”  So there you go.

Ok, so now I’m gonna pick some bloggers to pass this on to.  I’m going to pick a couple of my most recent and most hysterical finds on the blogosphere, and then a few who I think really deserve the shout out, because they are ridiculously awesome and need the attention:

Bluzdude from Darwinfish2.  Bluz is a fellow Marylander and loves going to ball games and getting himself on TV.  So really, he’s a famous television star.  You should definitely check him out. 

Darla of She’s a Mainiac doesn’t need me to promote her, and has probably received this award before, being a famous Freshly Pressed blogger and all.  But I just started reading her and find her writing both hilarious and poignant. Plus, she can write the hell out of a short story. If you haven’t discovered her yet, get on that!

Jules of Go Guilty Pleasures is mah girl.  She is adorable, she rocks a side pony like nobody’s bizness, and her stalking conversing skills with her future second husband (Darren Criss) are amazing!  Plus, she has also been Freshly Pressed, so you would be in the presence of greatness, again! 

Lauren is just the most adorable goofball you will ever meet.  She talks about her recent triumph in getting her boyfriend of many years to finally make her an honest woman over at Filing Jointly . . . Finally.  Oh, and cheese.  She talks a lot about cheese.  And monkeys.  Yeah, like I said, she’s a little bit wacky, but in a totally adorable way.  I kinda just wanna carry her around in my pocket all day, she is so cute.  But I won’t.  Because that kind of thing is probably illegal.

Red is 1 of only 2 bloggers that I have ever met.  And she blogs over at Doesn’t Speak Klingon.  She doesn’t, as far as I can tell.  You can read all about her exploits with her internet fiance (and current real life squeeze) Brett, at both of their blogs.  She is fantastic and super fun.  She just up and moved from Delaware to Indiana and writes about her current status in limbo.  Her blog is also invaded occasionally by her alter ego, the Movie Whore, who reviews the recent movies that Red takes her to see.  Check her out.  You won’t be sorry!

Mandi is one of the funniest, irreverent and balls to the wall crazy bloggers that I have ever known.  Her blog, Atypically Relevant is full of wit and humor and a lot of creative expletives regarding her sophmoronic coed tenants that she has to deal with on a daily basis.  She faces more abject stupidity and college aged teet-sucking momma’s boys/girls than any sane person should.  But the stories are divine.  I’m not sure how her head hasn’t exploded clear off her head by now, but I’m glad it hasn’t and she keeps relaying these tales of Darwinism gone wrong.

Last but not least . . . Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi.  Valerie is new to this blogging game, but she has come out swinging.  I just discovered her blog a couple weeks ago, and I have already laughed so hard at her antics.  She loves all things Harry Potter and Zombie.  In fact, she is currently training to be a Zombie Fighter Extraordinaire, so even if you don’t wanna go to her blog, she just might be someone you want on your good side when the Zombiepocalypse comes.

Phew!  Ok, all done.  Pass the love peeps.

(Sorry about the wonky formatting of this post.  I could not figure out how to fix it no matter how much I tweaked it.  Gah!).