Abercrombie & Hootch

A little while back I found myself in the mall. Now, if you know anything about me, you will know how much I detest going to the mall. I hate shopping with a passion, and being around a large number of people makes me twitchy. But alas, at times it is a necessity. There is also the added bonus of sometimes seeing a plethora of unfortunates that I can shoot for an upcoming Whacked post. This was just such a time.

As I was in mall hell, seeing these lovelies, I decided to share this experience with my friend Jen:

Me: Ah, the mall. The whacked’s motherland . . .

Jen: I demand photos for my viewing pleasure!

Me: Fine. Here . . .

And with those two pictures, we started what ended up being an all day epic conversation that just might change retail as we know it today . . .

Jen: Where are you? Outside ‘Abercrombie & Hootch’?

Me: Nope. H&M . . . Hookers & Morons. Or . . . Whorister.

Jen: Or . . . Forver 69.

Me: The Clap.

Jen: White House/Black Market Prostitute.

Me: Sears & Hobucks.

Jen: Then maybe lunch at Jackoff in The Box?

Me: Dessert at Coldstone CreamYourPants?

Jen: Then shopping for the teens at American Spreadeagle Outfitters?

Me: Nice.

Jen: We are a couple of klassy bitches, babe.

Me: You want klassy? How about we go to Jizzboree.

Jen: That was magical. ((slow-clap)).

(I live for Jen’s slow claps, y’all!) 🙂

Me: The Sharper Himbo.

Jen: Ooh! The Jizz-ney Store!

Me: Michael Whores.

Jen: Calvin Chlamydia.

Me: Old Nooner.

Jen: Vera Wang . . . the joke just writes itself.

Me: True dat.

Jen: K.Y. Mart.

Me: Homoerotic Depot.

Jen: J. Screw.

Me: T.J. Sexx.

Jen: Michael’s Tarts & Cracks.

Me: Bath & Hottie Works.

Jen: Victoria’s Secretions. 😉

Me: Um, ewww.

Jen: You’re welcome.

Me: Linens & Thongs.

Jen: Men’s Whorehouse.

Me: Expricks.

Jen: Ha! My first job after college was managing an Expricks!

Me: Fellatio Shack.

Jen: Whores R Us.

Me: Jerkoffice Depot.

Jen: 69 West.

Me: Waltart.

Jen: Hole Foods.

Me: Auntie Handjob’s Pretzels.

Jen: Office Deep-Ho.

Me: Beefcake Factory.

Jen: Ballsacks 5th Avenue.

Me: Wockenpussy.

Jen: Syph-Whore-A.

Me: Easy Spankit.

Jen: Build A Bare-Ass.

Me: Grabme & Evelyn.

Jen: That was rad.

Me: Pearl Necklace Vision.

Jen: Oh my God . . . that was epic. I bow down to your porn glory.

Me: One more and then I’m crashing for the night . . . Kay Jizzlers.

Jen: Good night. And I leave you with: The Lesbo (Lego) Store.

Me: Ha! Ok, I lied . . . this is it, though: L.L. Peen. Thank you and goodnight!

47 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jayne
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 08:40:42

    Damnit! That WAS epic! Well played, ladies. Well played.


  2. wcdameron
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 08:55:56

    I need a shower.


  3. bluzdude
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 09:52:35

    Reading that is like watching a dirty tennis game. Great back-and-forth. Now who jumps over the net?


  4. Jen
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 09:56:02

    Best. Conversation. Ever. Trading phone numbers with you was the wisest life choice I’ve amde thus far, I shit you not. 🙂


  5. Lisa insignif at best (@insignifblog)
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 09:57:46

    Possibly the best conversation EVER.


  6. Go Jules Go
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 11:14:55

    *slow clap* I want to go shopping with YOU ladies. Wow. This is fabulous. Just fabulous.


  7. Heather Rose
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 12:35:55

    But what about Banana Re-pubic? Love that place… or JC Penis …. I demand that this list be continued – too many missed opportunities! 🙂


    • mistyslaws
      Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:55:20


      And you are correct, there are so many more. I had a whole list ready but now I forget them all. Maybe we’ll have to have a part 2 some day. 😉


  8. Abby
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 13:32:19

    That is the only way I would enjoy going to the mall.


  9. atypicallyrelevant
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 15:14:05

    Shame on both of you for leaving out Crotch Topic.


  10. Inappropriately Nat (@natsnaughty)
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 15:57:09

    Aww. I spit my soda on the screen at “Crotch Topic”. Thanks, Robo-vagina for that one.

    Also, this post is legendary. Just sayin’.


  11. Andrea
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 17:59:07

    Soooo, what did you buy? Any yankme candles?


  12. Jana
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 18:34:38

    Crotch Topic….flipping AWESOME


  13. cornfedgirl
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 21:33:51

    *bowing to your genius*
    sick and wrong, ladies. sick and wrong. I naturally loved all of it.


    • mistyslaws
      Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:58:32

      Why thank you very much! We aim to please, you know. Plus, of course you would love it. Just wait until the 3 of us are in the same place at one time . . . IN NEW YORK CITY. It will happen. And shenanigans will ensue. No doubt.


  14. Jaime
    Jun 11, 2012 @ 23:24:34

    LMFAO… greatness.


  15. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    Jun 12, 2012 @ 12:27:43

    This was worth having malls exist.


  16. lazysubculturalgirl
    Jun 12, 2012 @ 20:23:35

    That was fucking awesome. What I want to know is, how are the Abercrombie and Hootch girls supposed to concentrate on algebra? It takes some serious brain power to avoid flashing the populace with those skirts.


  17. Danielle Charlton Geer
    Jun 13, 2012 @ 09:58:13

    L.L. Peen for the win!!

    I will never shop the same way again…


  18. Brett Minor (@brettminor)
    Jun 13, 2012 @ 17:43:10

    That was an epic list. Most could some up with two or three tops.


  19. Valerie
    Jun 13, 2012 @ 22:40:40

    Was this a Jersey mall? Because I think I’ve been here.. Those stores sound really familiar. ;o)




  20. bschooled
    Jun 13, 2012 @ 23:31:18

    I love this so hard. Whorister is my new safe word.


  21. susielindau
    Jun 14, 2012 @ 14:11:37

    I LOVE this and am going to send the link to my kids. Don’t worry they are 20 and 22!


  22. Vesta Vayne
    Jun 14, 2012 @ 19:21:41

    Oh you dirty, dirty girls. That was so awesome, I don’t even know where to start.

    Grabme & Evelyn…excellent.


  23. She's a Maineiac
    Jun 14, 2012 @ 20:12:45

    If only shopping could be that hilarious, I’d like shopping more. I’m with you, I hate it with a passion. L.L. Peen killed me.


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