A little while back I found myself in the mall. Now, if you know anything about me, you will know how much I detest going to the mall. I hate shopping with a passion, and being around a large number of people makes me twitchy. But alas, at times it is a necessity. There is also the added bonus of sometimes seeing a plethora of unfortunates that I can shoot for an upcoming Whacked post. This was just such a time.
As I was in mall hell, seeing these lovelies, I decided to share this experience with my friend Jen:
Me: Ah, the mall. The whacked’s motherland . . .
Jen: I demand photos for my viewing pleasure!
Me: Fine. Here . . .
And with those two pictures, we started what ended up being an all day epic conversation that just might change retail as we know it today . . .
Jen: Where are you? Outside ‘Abercrombie & Hootch’?
Me: Nope. H&M . . . Hookers & Morons. Or . . . Whorister.
Jen: Or . . . Forver 69.
Me: The Clap.
Jen: White House/Black Market Prostitute.
Me: Sears & Hobucks.
Jen: Then maybe lunch at Jackoff in The Box?
Me: Dessert at Coldstone CreamYourPants?
Jen: Then shopping for the teens at American Spreadeagle Outfitters?
Me: Nice.
Jen: We are a couple of klassy bitches, babe.
Me: You want klassy? How about we go to Jizzboree.
Jen: That was magical. ((slow-clap)).
(I live for Jen’s slow claps, y’all!) 🙂
Me: The Sharper Himbo.
Jen: Ooh! The Jizz-ney Store!
Me: Michael Whores.
Jen: Calvin Chlamydia.
Me: Old Nooner.
Jen: Vera Wang . . . the joke just writes itself.
Me: True dat.
Jen: K.Y. Mart.
Me: Homoerotic Depot.
Jen: J. Screw.
Me: T.J. Sexx.
Jen: Michael’s Tarts & Cracks.
Me: Bath & Hottie Works.
Jen: Victoria’s Secretions. 😉
Me: Um, ewww.
Jen: You’re welcome.
Me: Linens & Thongs.
Jen: Men’s Whorehouse.
Me: Expricks.
Jen: Ha! My first job after college was managing an Expricks!
Me: Fellatio Shack.
Jen: Whores R Us.
Me: Jerkoffice Depot.
Jen: 69 West.
Me: Waltart.
Jen: Hole Foods.
Me: Auntie Handjob’s Pretzels.
Jen: Office Deep-Ho.
Me: Beefcake Factory.
Jen: Ballsacks 5th Avenue.
Me: Wockenpussy.
Jen: Syph-Whore-A.
Me: Easy Spankit.
Jen: Build A Bare-Ass.
Me: Grabme & Evelyn.
Jen: That was rad.
Me: Pearl Necklace Vision.
Jen: Oh my God . . . that was epic. I bow down to your porn glory.
Me: One more and then I’m crashing for the night . . . Kay Jizzlers.
Jen: Good night. And I leave you with: The Lesbo (Lego) Store.
Me: Ha! Ok, I lied . . . this is it, though: L.L. Peen. Thank you and goodnight!
Misty's Laws 
Jun 11, 2012 @ 08:40:42
Damnit! That WAS epic! Well played, ladies. Well played.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:51:50
Why thank ya. We are here for your entertainment. Try the veal.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 08:55:56
I need a shower.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:52:34
I know there was a fountain at the mall. Will that work?
Jun 11, 2012 @ 09:52:35
Reading that is like watching a dirty tennis game. Great back-and-forth. Now who jumps over the net?
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:53:10
Hopefully not either of those girls, or there would be some vag flashing happening on that court.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 09:56:02
Best. Conversation. Ever. Trading phone numbers with you was the wisest life choice I’ve amde thus far, I shit you not. 🙂
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:53:34
Agreed!! 🙂
Jun 11, 2012 @ 09:57:46
Possibly the best conversation EVER.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:53:59
Time will tell, but right now I think it’s at least top 5! 😉
Jun 11, 2012 @ 11:14:55
*slow clap* I want to go shopping with YOU ladies. Wow. This is fabulous. Just fabulous.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:54:34
How about I stay home and text you witty banter, and YOU go shopping for me? Deal?
Jun 11, 2012 @ 12:35:55
But what about Banana Re-pubic? Love that place… or JC Penis …. I demand that this list be continued – too many missed opportunities! 🙂
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:55:20
Nice.
And you are correct, there are so many more. I had a whole list ready but now I forget them all. Maybe we’ll have to have a part 2 some day. 😉
Jun 11, 2012 @ 13:32:19
That is the only way I would enjoy going to the mall.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:55:39
I know, right? Even then . . . still torturous.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 15:14:05
Shame on both of you for leaving out Crotch Topic.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:56:35
I feel deep deep levels of shame, Mandi. Thank you for rectifying our mistake!
Jun 11, 2012 @ 15:57:09
Aww. I spit my soda on the screen at “Crotch Topic”. Thanks, Robo-vagina for that one.
Also, this post is legendary. Just sayin’.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:56:46
Thanks!
Jun 11, 2012 @ 17:59:07
Soooo, what did you buy? Any yankme candles?
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:57:25
Surprisingly, they were all out. Very popular store, that one. They always tell me to go around back for some reason. 😉
Jun 11, 2012 @ 18:34:38
Crotch Topic….flipping AWESOME
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:57:34
Agreed.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 21:33:51
*bowing to your genius*
sick and wrong, ladies. sick and wrong. I naturally loved all of it.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:58:32
Why thank you very much! We aim to please, you know. Plus, of course you would love it. Just wait until the 3 of us are in the same place at one time . . . IN NEW YORK CITY. It will happen. And shenanigans will ensue. No doubt.
Jun 11, 2012 @ 23:24:34
LMFAO… greatness.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:58:44
Thanks so much!
Jun 12, 2012 @ 12:27:43
This was worth having malls exist.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:58:59
Still hateful places. But thanks!
Jun 12, 2012 @ 20:23:35
That was fucking awesome. What I want to know is, how are the Abercrombie and Hootch girls supposed to concentrate on algebra? It takes some serious brain power to avoid flashing the populace with those skirts.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:59:40
Brains? You think they have brains? Oh hon. There there.
Jun 13, 2012 @ 09:58:13
L.L. Peen for the win!!
I will never shop the same way again…
Jun 19, 2012 @ 14:00:00
I was quite proud of that one myself. 😉
Jun 13, 2012 @ 17:43:10
That was an epic list. Most could some up with two or three tops.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 14:00:51
Some have skills in science, some in computer tech, some in brain surgery. We have skills in dirty puns. We are very gifted that way.
Jun 13, 2012 @ 22:40:40
Was this a Jersey mall? Because I think I’ve been here.. Those stores sound really familiar. ;o)
Hugs!
Valerie
Jun 19, 2012 @ 14:01:25
I KNEW I’d actually seen those stores before!! 😉
So, what did you buy at L.L. Peen again?
Jun 13, 2012 @ 23:31:18
I love this so hard. Whorister is my new safe word.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 14:02:10
Thanks for the hard lovin’. Wait . . . what?
Mine is armadillo. Just FYI.
Jun 14, 2012 @ 14:11:37
I LOVE this and am going to send the link to my kids. Don’t worry they are 20 and 22!
Jun 19, 2012 @ 14:02:53
I think they would appreciate it, then!
I was hoping they weren’t toddlers. Although that would definitely give them a life lesson or two, yes? 😉
Jun 19, 2012 @ 17:55:58
I am not sure toddlers would get it unless cookies were involved… 🙂
Jun 14, 2012 @ 19:21:41
Oh you dirty, dirty girls. That was so awesome, I don’t even know where to start.
Grabme & Evelyn…excellent.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 14:03:31
Thanks! We are definitely of the dirty variety of girls, c’est vrai. 🙂
Jun 14, 2012 @ 20:12:45
If only shopping could be that hilarious, I’d like shopping more. I’m with you, I hate it with a passion. L.L. Peen killed me.
Jun 19, 2012 @ 14:04:14
Now you can enjoy your shopping trip to L.L. Peen!! You’re welcome. 😉