Anatomy of a Day Off

This past friday I decided to take a day off from work.  I took a personal day because I needed to try to be a person for one day.  As opposed to an attorney dealing with the myriad of bullshit I wade through on a daily basis.  So, this is my run down of how to achieve the perfect day off:

STEP ONESLEEP IN

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This is a crucial first step.  You must start the day without an alarm blaring you awake into the cold cruel world.  This step is also enhanced by the fact that your kids are with their grandparents for the week, the hubs is still in Brazil and the au pair is in San Francisco, so there is nobody there to possibly wake you before, say . . . 9:00.

STEP TWOTAKE A BATH

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See, once you wake from your comfortable slumber, you can’t just rush into action.  No, that is a rookie mistake.  You must face the world in a leisurely fashion.  You have a long day ahead of you.  You don’t wanna strain something so early-ish in your day!  Once you have brewed some coffee (we’ll call that step 1 & 1/2), you need to run a nice warm bubble bath, get yourself a book, and settle in for some relaxation.  This will be especially lovely as there will be nobody there to disturb you by barging in mid-bath, or by asking “how much longer do you think you’re gonna be?”  Please also refer to this step as:  HEAVEN.

STEP THREEGET A PEDICURE

This is also a crucial step, as it is currently sandal season, your poor toes are in desperate need of a new shellacking, and really, when else are you gonna have the chance to sit in a salon in the middle of the day watching TV and getting your legs messaged?

Once you enter and hear those fateful words . . . “Peek a Cah-lah” . . . you briefly consider getting this shade, in honor of your friend Darla over at She’s a Maineiac:

MAINE-IAC MAUVE

But decide that it is just a little too Mauve for your taste.  You end up going with an old favorite:

SENORITA ROSE-ALITA

Which is a bit more pinkish/reddish and matches the spring-like weather and your personal preference.  Once your color is “peeked,” you sit in a comfy massage chair with your tootsies soaking in warm water.  Ahhhhh. 

The TV is playing Days of Our Lives, which you marvel at the fact that since the last time you watched this show, oh about 15 years ago, none of the characters have changed or apparently even aged.  The girl doing your nails also remarks that since she started watching about that long ago, everything is the same.

Hello, Victor.

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Hey there! Pay attention to the feetsies, please.

Then, while your nails are being painted, you realize that Ellen is now on, which you never see because you are always at work, so you get a little excited, because Ellen is the bomb dot com!

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Then you get a lot less excited when you hear that her guest is Russell Brand.  Blech.  What a douchecanoe!

But . . . you now have pretty toes at least . . . once they are done drying anyway:

STEP FOURLUNCH (AKA GO TO COSTCO)

Since all you’ve consumed today was a cup of coffee in the AM, you are realizing that you are starting to get a mite bit hungry.  Which is good, because you also coincidentally need to go to Costco to pick up a bunch of jumbo sized items, and this is about the time where they start giving out samples, so you know that you will be fed.  Huzzah!

Once you arrive, the first food station you see offers some peanuts:


Ok, fine.  We’ll call that a starter snack to get your stomach prepped for the oncoming onslaught of tasty goodies in store for you.  No problem.  Nuts are good.

The next 2 food posts you encounter give you a cracker with cream cheese and some spicy salsa stuff on it, and a little cup of salad:

Wait.  Did someone call ahead and tell them I was on a diet?  Because this rabbit food will not do.  I’m gonna need some real stuff soon.  I don’t go to Costco to eat salad.  I could have made one of those at home, thank you.

Next item . . . yogurt:

Ok, seriously . . . what is with the damn diet foods?  There better be some pizza rolls or something soon or it’s not gonna be pretty.  Let’s see what’s next, shall we?

Cereal?  Are you kidding me?  Ok, shit’s about to get real up in he-ah.  I am about done with this crazy “good for you” crap.  I need real food.  Ok Costco, you get one more shot to get it right, or it’s going to get apocalyptic in about a minute.  Let’s see what the next station has to offer . . .

NOW we’re talking!!  That’s a pita pocketed cheeseburger.  Nom nom nom.

French Fries?  Oh hell yeah!  You should consider yourself lucky, Costco.  You just barely saved yourself with these items.  I will put the flamethrower back into my purse now.  You were this close though, you know that right? 

Next up was a continuation of more delectable food items:

Pulled pork.

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Naan with melted Provolone.

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Salmon . . . yummy!

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And for dessert . . . raspberry cream cheese pastry!

Then, you must pick up a treat for all your hard work shopping at this mega superstore . . . mixed fruit smoothie to wash all those treats down:

Then after all that hard work you have done during the day, you make your way home.  It is around this time that your husband should be home from his trip and waiting for you.  Which leads us to . . .

STEP FIVEPRESENTS!!

Obviously at this point, you deserve to be rewarded for all the hard work you have done all day.  And since your husband has been in Brazil and Argentina for a week, while you stayed home all by your lonesome and trudged through your days going to your hateful job (which refuses to fly you to any exotic locales, no matter how much you try to convince them that sending you to a conference in Paris will help you better serve the citizens of Baltimore!), of course, you will deserve some rewards.  And rewards you shall receive!!

.

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The thing on the upper left is a mask. Not sure what you are supposed to be doing with booze and a blindfold?

Ah yes, welcome home hubs.  Not only did he bring home treats from afar, mainly consisting of booze related products . . . he also returned with a new recipe for a drink, which he proceeded to whip up a batch of. 

Caipirinha. Yummy!

STEP SIXWATCH TIGHTROPE WALKING?

Yeah, so this part wasn’t exactly a planned activity, but we happened upon this special about this guy, a descendent of the Flying Walendas apparently, who was planning on walking across a tightrope wire strung across Niagara Falls.  We watched the proceeding special which showed his grandfather plummeting to his death in a similar attempt on a wire strung between two buildings in Puerto Rico many years ago.  We were somewhat intrigued.  And a little exited to see the possibility of a guy facing the same fate as his grandfather, not gonna lie.  Not sure what that says about us, but I think it’s best to leave that unexcavated for now.

So after all this build up, he starts his trek across the falls.  Which is the point where we notice that he is actually tethered to the rope!  At that point, it lost most of it’s thrill.  I mean, even if he falls, the only thing that will be hurt is his pride.  Not that I am in any way wishing for this guy to be harmed or die or anything, but when you build it up as this great feat that other members of his family perished while attempting, it just lessens the suspense factor when he is hooked in by a harness is all.  

Anyway, he made it across just fine, didn’t fall or anything, and I’m sure it was very difficult and quite the accomplishment for him.  Next time, though, I’ll probably watch something else. 

AND THUS ENDS THIS TUTORIAL ON HOW TO EXPERIENCE THE PERFECT DAY OFF.

What do YOU like to do on your day off to make it perfect?  Did I miss anything?

—————————————————————————————————————

Last call for your own weekly whacked pictures.  If you have them, send them on over to mistyslaws at gmail dot com by Wednesday.  If you haven’t taken any yet, what are you waiting for???  Get to snapping and send them to me so you can be prominently displayed on Friday for your talented ability to capture the absurd all around you. 

Also, if you are actually working on a portrait of me as I requested last week, just let me know.  I like to have that divine feeling of anticipation.  🙂

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45 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Andrea
    Jun 18, 2012 @ 15:21:24

    Thank you for teaching me sensei, for I had the day off from cleaning houses, and I used it…wait for it…to clean this pig sty? But really only had time for one bathroom? Gads!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 12:58:45

      No no no NO! You are doing it ALL wrong! Especially since your JOB is to clean houses!

      What you do is have your KIDS clean while you are at work, then come home to a lovingly freshly scrubbed home and relax with a glass of newly discovered wine and some baked goods.

      Do I need to come over there and show you???

      Reply

  2. Jana
    Jun 18, 2012 @ 15:49:49

    My day off (with hubbs and sans children) consisted of lounging in the pool all day in our loungers with kozys and beer (hubby included a straw in my beer because it was too much to bend at the waist to sip) and then we followed up with a Lobster Feed at a winery in Napa area with an evening ride home in the Jeep and enjoying the warm Cali breeze.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:00:10

      THAT sounds like a perfect day off, for sure.

      And OBVIOUSLY bending to reach your straw was too much work. You were off! You shouldn’t have to BEND!! That is a good man you have there. 😉

      Reply

  3. She's a Maineiac
    Jun 18, 2012 @ 16:07:05

    Wow, you had quite the day! Well deserved. I have never had a pedicure, but I have to now, that shade is all I can think about. Who knew? I should put a hypen in my blog name. Easier to figure out how the hell to spell it.

    This post made me so hungry I can’t stand it. And I think douchecanoe is my new favorite word.

    I saw a bit about that tightrope guy and couldn’t bring myself to watch it because I knew I’d be traumatized if he fell. Didn’t know he had no chance of REALLY falling. Geesh, what’s the point? What a rip-off.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:02:48

      You’ve never had a pedicure??? What!! Well, now that you are taking some time off (sniff!), and you know that shade is out there . . . I demand that you go and get yourself a nice pedicure. Shave your legs first, FYI.

      I know! The hubs and I were fascinated by the whole thing leading up to it (especially when they showed video of his grandfather actually plummeting to his death! And then we were all “Meh” when we saw the harness.

      Reply

  4. Jillian
    Jun 18, 2012 @ 16:32:26

    After a really good workout, I shower (thankfully), cook me up some tacos, and then sit down to my afternoon marathon of talk shows– The Chew, The Talk, Anderson, Dr. Phil, Ellen DeGeneres– and some chips and salsa! That’s my day today! What do you know?!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:04:26

      That’s a great day off as well! Except for the early morning exercising, of course. What kind of foolishness is that? Please refer to steps 1 & 2 if you need help figuring out how to start the morning.

      Reply

  5. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    Jun 18, 2012 @ 17:22:08

    That sounds like a nice day off! And, I have never seen that many samples at Costco before. Maybe I’m not paying enough attention?

    Reply

  6. Brett Minor (@brettminor)
    Jun 18, 2012 @ 18:01:13

    Being a man, I would have chosen some different activities for the perfect day, but I was quite impressed at the amount of free samples handed out at Costco. We need one of those here.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:06:07

      No sleeping in? No pedicure? No shopping? (Actually, I hate shopping, but needed to do the monthly trek. I was rewarded by lots of yummies!).

      Everywhere needs a Costco!

      Reply

  7. cornfedgirl
    Jun 18, 2012 @ 18:10:37

    We could so hang out for a perfect day off. And what do YOU think the blindfold is in there for? Ha!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:07:32

      It actually looked like one of those airplane sleep mask things. And I imagine he bought that at the duty free shop in the airport, so . . . drink all the booze and then take a nap on the plane?

      Yeah, but you would have wanted to go shoe shopping or something. Pfft! :p

      Reply

  8. deathbycupcakes01
    Jun 18, 2012 @ 18:10:45

    Costco had me at cream cheese and raspberry filled pastry. Not to mention the mondo sized jugs of Pine Sol.

    The only thing I would have added to my day was coming home and putting on sweat pants.

    And, um… your hubby can drop by and bring me booze-related items whenever he wants.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:08:51

      Please girl, don’t you know me? Sweatpants went on as soon as I unloaded the car of all the Costco goodies I bought.

      The pastry was delish!! You need to get yourself to a Costco, stat.

      I will let him know of your request.

      Reply

  9. red
    Jun 18, 2012 @ 20:32:32

    What lovely toes you have! (as if we didn’t know) Okay, while at the beach, I got totally away from doing my toes. Sand is murder on a pedicure, so that wouldn’t be there.

    My day off, I don’t set an alarm, which means I might lie in until 7:30 or 8, take a walk on the beach (while in Delaware, woods here), after showering walk into town for a latte from Cafe Azafran (still in Delaware – I don’t have days off here yet). Depending on what’s happening, maybe wander up to the library, maybe just read on the deck with a cool beverage.

    Food? Um. Maybe order something cute from one of the cute stores, maybe cheese and crackers and wine. Or pizza.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:11:29

      Why thank ya!! 🙂

      Yeah, I also made my own coffee, so no latte for me. 😦 I didn’t mention that, but I had to have something while I was in the bath. I can’t wait THAT long for caffeine! But it turned out ok. For once. I might be getting better since the hubs is always gone now. It’s hit or miss.

      Sounds like a nice day for you as well. Although you need to get pedicures now that you are away from the sand! Don’t you want adorable tootsies for Brett? 😉

      Reply

  10. Valerie
    Jun 18, 2012 @ 22:56:49

    Wow… I really need a day off. And a pedicure. And some crinkle cut fries because THEY ARE THE MOST AMAZING INVENTION KNOWN TO MAN!!

    Also, EFF THAT TIGHTROPE WALKER!! You wanna tightwalk across The Falls?!? THEN YOU DO THAT SHIT LEGIT!!! No stabilizers! No harnesses! What’s that about?! I could totally do that no problem. I’ve been practicing on sidewalk curbs my entire life. Bring it!

    Or maybe it’s just me…

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:12:37

      Agreed to the Fries. They were the bomb dot com.

      I think you could have done that no problem. I mean, you’ve trained for it your entire life! That guy was a total sucker! Pfft.

      Reply

  11. mark
    Jun 18, 2012 @ 23:33:46

    Wow, you made out at your Costco brilliantly. I never indulge in the samples as much as I should because I choose to avoid the tom-fuckery that goes on in the vicinity of all good stands. I like to enjoy my day off doing absolutely nothing and it’s always everything I thought it could be.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:13:59

      Oh the nothing days. Yeah, they are the best.

      Oh yeah, there was definite tom-fuckery at the good stands. But after suffering through salads and crackers, I was GONNA get cheeseburgers and fries if I had to elbow a grandma! I was hungry hungry hippos!

      Reply

  12. Vesta Vayne
    Jun 19, 2012 @ 10:32:19

    First, Victor is still on Days of Our Lives? Wow.

    I have never been to a Costco. You walk in and they feed you? Huh. How ’bout that?

    Sounds like you had a lovely day!!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:15:29

      I know! And he HAS NOT CHANGED AT ALL. I swear that man made a deal with the devil at some point.

      It depends at Costco. I have been there some days where there really wasn’t anything to eat. I have walked out of there having not sampled a thing at times. This was a bountiful trip!

      It was completely fab, thanks!

      Reply

  13. Gorilla Bananas
    Jun 19, 2012 @ 13:13:12

    Next time you could throw in a massage (with oil) to make it even better. Was that bath you took in asses’ milk?

    Reply

  14. Becky Delport (@BexstarD)
    Jun 19, 2012 @ 16:03:38

    What the hell!! You just got a 12 course lunch for free from your goddam supermarket? I feel so hard done by. In saying that, I do my grocery shopping online. It lessens the chances of me getting done for public assault due to my lack of patience for anything in the outside world.
    P.S Loving the nail colour!

    Reply

  15. Go Jules Go
    Jun 19, 2012 @ 18:45:58

    Okay, “because I needed to try to be a person for one day” made me laugh out loud. SO. TRUE!! And so glad you took a day off. You made OUT at Costco in the end, dang! Provolone on naan?? That sounds SO good. And your hubby is a smart man, bringing home all that booze. I approve.

    On my recent days off, I feel like I’ve done more work than play, but don’t mind too much because just not “HAVING” to do anything feels like vacation! 🙂 I guess going to the movies (especially ’cause they’re the dine-in theaters) is one of my top picks, or going on a day trip somewhere fun – hiking, the beach, shopping, or better yet, something I’ve never done before! (Zip lining, white water rafting, and tubing are on the list.)

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:20:29

      That’s what personal days are for, right? It was much needed. Oh, and did you happen to notice that the Naan had a bite already taken out of it. It looked so good I started noshing before I remembered to take a pic! 😉

      And yes, the husband has had many years to learn. He is indeed a good man.

      I like to do fun activity type things on my days off sometimes. But usually I am just so tired that I’d rather veg. Or at least do the above, which isn’t TOO taxing!

      I’ve done the zip-lining many years ago. It is indeed fun. Never done any of the other stuff. I’m not really an outdoorsy girl, but I would be willing to try some of it because it sounds fun!

      Reply

  16. lazysubculturalgirl
    Jun 19, 2012 @ 19:11:35

    Your day off sounds stressful! You have to SLEEP IN? I’m like a six-year-old on a sugar high when I get a day off — I’m not sleeping, I’ll miss stuff! Then you take a bath, which is just way too slow to start my morning. Then you get a pedicure which involves PEOPLE TOUCHING YOUR FEET. No, no no and no.

    Going to Costco? Blech. That’s a job I’m happy to delegate to the Hubs, who actually enjoys Costco. But then you redeem yourself by finishing off with alcohol, so I guess I can still respect you now.

    My perfect day off would look like this: late night binge drinking, sci fi marathon, get up early and cut out fabric, go shopping in the Fabric District and buy ALL THE THINGS, get home and mix up another drink and finish a book or two. I might even fit some actual sewing into the mix. AHHHH, HEAVEN. Yeah, I’m a bit odd.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:22:38

      Yeah, so I’m thinking that we can never hang out on a day off. 😉

      I used to feel the same as you about the feet. Then I got a mandatory pedicure for my wedding (hubs got one, too!) and I was hooked. It is just the best thing. I love them.

      And it’s not that I ENJOY Costco particularly. It is just a necessary evil that I must endure. Although getting all the nummies did help with the pain and suffering.

      Always end with alcohol. Always. Pfft.

      Reply

  17. nikkix2
    Jun 20, 2012 @ 12:35:29

    Wait,,,is that Woodie from Toy Story dancing with a Senorita,,in the pic underneath that beautiful fan?
    Oh,,and how did your Costco score having soooo many samples,,damn gurl i’m on my way to my local Costco to put in a complaint!!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:24:35

      Ha! I didn’t notice until you said it, but it does look like Woody, doesn’t it. 🙂

      Yeah, it was a good day at Costco. You need to get that taken care of at your local joint!

      Reply

  18. Inappropriately Nat (@natsnaughty)
    Jun 20, 2012 @ 13:51:02

    Feeeeeeeeeeeeeet! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

    I’ve had three months of days off. Now the perfect day is going to work! HAHA!

    Reply

  19. mj monaghan
    Jun 20, 2012 @ 21:33:49

    Okay, I’ll admit it – I almost lost it at “I will put the flamethrower back into my purse now.” And I’m the I’m not losing it kind of guy. Seriously funny!

    And wow, was there food at every single end cap??

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 13:26:30

      Thank you!! I AM seriously funny. So glad you noticed. 🙂

      Pretty much food on every end cap, yeah. And also shoved in with the pastries, and next to the seafood, and beside the cheeses . . . it was never ending samples. It was glorious.

      Thanks for popping in!!

      Reply

  20. wcdameron
    Jun 21, 2012 @ 21:44:25

    OK, I was really enjoying reading about your day off, the liquor, the food and then, what is that about creating a portrait of you???

    Reply

  21. Leauxra
    Jun 22, 2012 @ 12:38:48

    You know, I keep seeing pictures of Costco samples. I have never been in a Costco, but it seems like it might be worth it for a free meal now and again.

    Reply

  22. bluntdelivery
    Jun 23, 2012 @ 13:25:57

    1. missed you
    2. PERFECT day off. mine would consist of all the above, sans costco cus we don’t have one. we have a sams club… however, not as many samples it seems :/

    3. did you also notice that whomever was about to get married 15 years ago on Days, still hasn’t as the cause of someone trying to come between them ?! hah

    Reply

  23. Steph
    Jun 26, 2012 @ 23:44:37

    So I was cracking up envisioning you stopping and taking pics of all your Costco snack treasures as you went along… did you get funny looks by fellow passers-by? If so, who cares! It’s great blog material is what I’d say!

    And the “Peek a Cah Lah” really made me giggle. So did the shot of Victor. Can’t believe I used to watch that shit LOL.

    The tightropewalker dude- I got roped into watching him too (excuse the pun). I was uber annoyed at the religious “thank you Jesus!” every 3.7 seconds the whole way. If Jesus was up there listening, he was probably screaming down “What are you doing you idiot!?! Your grandfather is standing here next to me you MORON!” That’s just my blasphemous take on the whole thing anyway.

    Anyhoo, thanks for sharing your day with us!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jun 29, 2012 @ 09:35:39

      Yeah, I definitely got funny looks, but I’m kinda used to it. I’m usually trying to get a picture of something. There were a couple times I forgot to take a pic because I just wanted to eat the item, and then I had to stop myself from nom nom nomming it all down and take a pic. Did I mention I was hungry?

      Oh, and Jesus was probably all like . . . “don’t expect me to save your ass, you dumb shit. I didn’t tell you to do this!” That faux religious crap gets on my nerves as well. And yes, we are both going to hell, thank you very much! 😉

      Reply

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