I have young kids. And I am pretty good at making sure that if they are watching television, it is either something kid friendly, or at least not the Kardashians or Real Housewives, where every other word is Bitch or Ass. I’m not keen on my kids picking up new and colorful phrases from reality stars, thanks. My oldest watches a couple shows with me in the evening when his little brother has gone to bed, but they are mostly things I have DVR’d for us to watch, like Restaurant Impossible, So You Think You Can Dance or Dancing with the Stars. Mostly, those shows keep it clean. Also, if they are shows I have recorded, it gives me the added opportunity to zip through the commercials so that 1) we don’t have to deal with that crap, and 2) he doesn’t see things that he wants me to buy for him.
Well, that all changed when we were watching a live program one evening and were subjected to porn in the form of an infomercial. We were innocently watching some horse racing, as his dad is into that kind of thing, and really it was just kinda filler in the background, as there wasn’t anything else really on to watch. So, just hanging out as a family, watching stats about the upcoming race scroll across the screen, when they cut to commercial. And that is when all innocence was shattered. We were introduced to Vince Offer, and his schticky:
Here are some of the images that probably scarred my poor seven year old child for life. (See if you can guess which phrases were actually said in the commercial):
You can clean your home in a quicky, when you use your schticky.
My schticky is this big.
Who needs a man? Use the schticky to feel yourself up!!
Problem with that shedding pussy?
Slippery when wet, schticky when dry.
Hey Vince! Oh, you’re playing with your schticky. I’m sorry.
Use schticky anytime, anyplace and with anyone. (Especially with the stewardess in the airplane bathroom while your wife is sleeping).
You’re gonna like the little schticky . . .
. . . but you’re gonna LOVE the BIG SCHTICKY!
Big schticky, regular schticky and little schticky for one low price . . . gang bang, anyone??
No thank you, Vince. I do not want to purchase your schticky. And I would greatly appreciate it if you would keep your schticky safely tucked into the pay per program sex stations that my husband and I scroll through in the TV’s Guide and make fun of. Quit waving your schticky around for young children to get a gander at, you pedophile. Nobody wants to see it! Don’t make me call Chris Hansen on your ass.
Any suggestive or mildly pornographic commercials/infomercials you have been molested by lately? Have you ever experienced Vince’s tiny schticky? Was it good for you?