The Schticky

I have young kids.  And I am pretty good at making sure that if they are watching television, it is either something kid friendly, or at least not the Kardashians or Real Housewives, where every other word is Bitch or Ass.  I’m not keen on my kids picking up new and colorful phrases from reality stars, thanks.  My oldest watches a couple shows with me in the evening when his little brother has gone to bed, but they are mostly things I have DVR’d for us to watch, like Restaurant Impossible, So You Think You Can Dance or Dancing with the Stars.  Mostly, those shows keep it clean.  Also, if they are shows I have recorded, it gives me the added opportunity to zip through the commercials so that 1) we don’t have to deal with that crap, and 2) he doesn’t see things that he wants me to buy for him.

Well, that all changed when we were watching a live program one evening and were subjected to porn in the form of an infomercial.  We were innocently watching some horse racing, as his dad is into that kind of thing, and really it was just kinda filler in the background, as there wasn’t anything else really on to watch.  So, just hanging out as a family, watching stats about the upcoming race scroll across the screen, when they cut to commercial.  And that is when all innocence was shattered.  We were introduced to Vince Offer, and his schticky:

The Schticky

Here are some of the images that probably scarred my poor seven year old child for life.  (See if you can guess which phrases were actually said in the commercial):

You can clean your home in a quicky, when you use your schticky.

My schticky is this big.

Who needs a man?  Use the schticky to feel yourself up!!

Problem with that shedding pussy?

Slippery when wet, schticky when dry.

Hey Vince!  Oh, you’re playing with your schticky.  I’m sorry.

Use schticky anytime, anyplace and with anyone.  (Especially with the stewardess in the airplane bathroom while your wife is sleeping).

You’re gonna like the little schticky . . .

. . . but you’re gonna LOVE the BIG SCHTICKY!

Big schticky, regular schticky and little schticky for one low price . . . gang bang, anyone??

No thank you, Vince.  I do not want to purchase your schticky.  And I would greatly appreciate it if you would keep your schticky safely tucked into the pay per program sex stations that my husband and I scroll through in the TV’s Guide and make fun of.  Quit waving your schticky around for young children to get a gander at, you pedophile.  Nobody wants to see it!  Don’t make me call Chris Hansen on your ass.


Any suggestive or mildly pornographic commercials/infomercials you have been molested by lately?  Have you ever experienced Vince’s tiny schticky?  Was it good for you?

43 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. thoughtsappear
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 08:46:17

    Scarred your 7-year-old child? It scarred me!


  2. socialassassin
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 08:52:19

    Recently, I’m rarely at home often enough to remember what my wife looks like, let alone watch TV. But step back twenty-odd years to my late childhood and UK TV is a gold-mine of dubious and slightly creepy advertising. I submit the following Youtube link for your consideration 😉


    • mistyslaws
      Jul 03, 2012 @ 14:44:41

      Oh dear lord!! I am so very scarred for life from that commercial. Vince ain’t got nothin’ on “a finger of fudge.” Gah!! And . . . stuck in my head the entire day. Thanks!


  3. Jaclyn
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 09:40:09

    Ummm, SHAKEWEIGHT??? Shakeweight is much worse, all schtickiness considered.


  4. Andrea
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 09:44:41

    The photos alone are terrifying, so I cannot imagine the damage done by seeing them in action! My kids are gameshow network junkies now, so they are just subjected to every drug, portable catheter and walk in tub commercial. No porn, just plenty of opportunity to contemplate which adult illnesses sound better.


    • mistyslaws
      Jul 03, 2012 @ 14:46:35

      Click on the underlined link and you will experience Vince and his little schticky for yourself! Or better yet, maybe you shouldn’t.

      Ha! Your kids have got to think that becoming an adult means a lifetime of ailments! They are not entirely wrong.


  5. Cheryl S.
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 09:45:02

    Watching the infomercial for the “Shake Weight” will scar you for LIFE. Trust me. Seriously. Go watch it and you tell me what they’re really doing. It’s bad enough when it’s the woman doing the shake weight — that’s just regular porn. When it’s the guy, you get to watch gay porn! I’d post the link, but I can’t get on YouTube at work. It’s worth doing a search, though!


  6. Jayne
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 10:07:55

    I’ve seen this. Billy Mays is rolling over in his grave.


  7. weezafish
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 10:22:38

    Oh my word. I think I’m also scarred for life. Strangely, I also want a schticky …


  8. bluzdude
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 11:09:36

    He should speak softly and just carry his big Schticky.


  9. red
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 11:13:40

    Well, since I am currently living with my 70yo parents, no. No pornographic ads during Wheel, Jeopardy, America’s Got Talent or Monk!


  10. Phoenix Rising
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 13:34:16

    So, wait – it doesn’t need batteries?


  11. lazysubculturalgirl
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 15:20:22

    I missed this one, but I second all the votes for Shakeweight. God, that commercial is so many kinds of wrong… Pretty sure my kids haven’t seen it, but their current favorite is the State Farm commercial where the wife is convinced she’s busted her husband on a sex line.

    “What are you wearing, Jake from State Farm?”
    “Uh, khakis?”
    “She sounds HIDEOUS.”
    “Well, she’s a guy, so….”

    My kids find this freaking hilarious, and I keep wondering if it’s because they get the joke (which means they know about phone sex lines, and now I have to find out where they learned that from) or if it’s because they DON’T get the joke….


    • mistyslaws
      Jul 03, 2012 @ 14:51:38

      Yeah, I’m hoping for your sake it’s that they don’t get it and just think it’s funny on it’s face. That would be frightening if they actually GOT it. A long talk with your hubs would ensue, I’m sure!


  12. jen
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 16:19:57

    The shake weight is an oversized vibrator. Call that shit out for what it is, yo.


  13. Danielle Charlton Geer
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 17:54:44

    I can’t stand that Vince guy, so basically the mute button is on whenever he is. His Slap-Chop commercial was a little questionable, too… Consider the line when he’s chopping nuts and asks cheekily, “Have you seen my nuts?”

    Why no, Vince… I haven’t. Let’s keep it that way, shall we?


  14. LeeAnn
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 19:23:23

    So help me gawd, the man looks like a velociraptor.


  15. Valerie
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 23:23:31

    Eddie and I caught this the other night. We just froze, unable to turn away. At first we thought that maybe we caught an episode of SNL. But no, it was real.

    So sad for humanity…




  16. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 23:23:42

    I saw this ad for the first time a few weeks ago. He even makes fun of his own arrest in it, right? So sleazy!


  17. mj monaghan
    Jun 28, 2012 @ 20:23:30

    That’s a bit of a schticky wicket, isn’t it? hehe


  18. Go Jules Go
    Jun 29, 2012 @ 08:56:43

    Ha ha! Oh! I know this guy! I’ve never seen his schticky, but it sounds like not a lot of others can say the same…

    I suggest you print a copy of this post for your son’s file; it’ll make his therapist’s job a lot easier. 😉

    You’re a good mom, Misty!!!


    • mistyslaws
      Jul 03, 2012 @ 14:56:21

      OMG, you actually KNOW know him? Oh, now I need that story, immediately!! Email me if you must.

      I love how you know me so well to know that I already have a file for my son in preparation for his future therapy sessions! In fact, some people have college funds . . . we have therapy funds. Those poor tots are gonna need it!!



  19. tazer warrior princess
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 14:33:31

    What the fucking fuck?

    As if that guy didn’t look like a creepy fucking rapist before this….

    I’m going to go bang my head on the wall for an hour.


    • mistyslaws
      Jul 03, 2012 @ 14:57:38

      Yeah, I don’t think he’s really helping his image here. He might have been going for “self-effacing” but landed squarely in the middle of “creepy as fuck!”

      I’ll get the band-aids and iodine. And vodka.


  20. Jeff Laws
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 23:39:40

    My wife played it for me awhile back. I couldn’t believe it was a real commercial. I thought it was a spoof or something.


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