The Attack of Waspzzzzzzzzzilla

In Monday’s post, I enumerated a few things that I am good at.  I neglected to mention one very vital and important skill.  I am an experienced and brutal killer.

I am legendary.  Although you all are aware of my stealthy ninja-like ways with a camera phone, I am even more stealthy and deadly as a true assassin.  I have been known to kill multiple targets with one fell swoop.  And to rack up a list of kills made in one day that is truly impressive.

My children have even come to discover these skills of mine and have brought targets to my attention and implored me to “Kill him, mommy.  Get him!”  Ahh, my sons.  I am shaping their young minds to embrace the lifestyle of the ninja.  I will pass on to them my techniques and proficiency in the art of destroying the enemy.  Soon, my boys.  Soon.

But last night, my master ninja assassin skills were tested.  Nay, they were bested.  By an adversary that was never before seen or experienced by my expert eyes.

It was late in the evening.  The darkness had closed it’s arms around my home and I was closing up the house for the night in preparation for slumber.  I opened the back door to let the dog inside, and unwittingly opened up my abode to this frightening foe.  His voice was terrifyingly loud like a buzzsaw.  His image rose above me and he moved rapidly and frantically, trying to escape from my clutches.  I had never before seen such a massive specimen in my home before.  He was a giant.  A monstrous example of his kind.  I was fearful, but knew what I had to do.  I went to retrieve my weapons, keeping my eyes trained on his ever moving form, so as not to lose him in the shadows.  And that is when he attacked.  I ducked down below his reach and was able to out manuever his jukes and jabs.  Once he realized his first moves were thwarted, he retreated to a hidden nook for a moment to regroup.  But I would not let him rest.  “Come out and fight me, you coward!” I yelled out, as I used my weapons to prod him from his secreted space.  But he would not budge.  He merely shrieked at me angrily every time I thrust my weapons in his direction and disturbed his reverie. 

At this time I felt I needed reinforcements.  Greater weapons would be necessary, as this adversary was far more deadly and mammoth than any other previously encountered.  Ahh, but that was my mistake.  He had waited for my distraction.  A moment of weakness.  And this is when he made his move for escape, shrieking his loud war cry of freedom.  He flew from his safe house and fled from the scene.  And this is when I discovered my true fault . . . when he started ascending to the bedrooms above.  Where my children lay sleeping.  Their doors cracked open.  Safely snuggled in their beds, awaiting their mother’s kisses goodnight.  He was heading for their rooms.

And then it went quiet.  No more shrieking war cries from the intruder.  No sounds at all.  Complete silence.  Which was the most harrowing sound of all.  Without his buzzing voice, I could not find where he had escaped to in the upper part of my home.  I searched the children’s rooms, but there was no sign of him.  I examined all the places he could have hidden himself in every bedroom in the house, to no avail.  But that is his skill.  He can secret himself in the smallest of spaces, just waiting for his moment.  When you least expect it.  When you are resting, perhaps.  But there was no sign of him.

There was not much sleep that night.  My children slept soundly, as I can attest.  Listening most of the night, I laid there waiting for the sounds of the intruder to be vocalized in one of the bedrooms.  But no sounds were heard.  Just the sounds of silence.  Of my sleeplessness.  Of darkness.  And foreboding.

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24 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. about100percent
    Aug 29, 2012 @ 10:22:19

    Hilarious. Great post!!

    Reply

  2. Rachel
    Aug 29, 2012 @ 10:34:48

    Wasps are fucking evil. EVIL. You know how I know that? The assholes are designed to fly around, so you’d expect them to be up in the air. Oh no, not the ones who manage to get in my house. Those fuckers crawl around on the FLOOR, just waiting for me to step on them so they can kamikaze sting me and alert the troops with their dying pheromones. Also, the one and only time I’ve ever been stung was while I was sleeping. What kind of dignified warrior attacks their foe while they’re slumbering? Wasps, that’s who, the undignified assholes of the insect world.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Sep 12, 2012 @ 13:25:56

      I hate those fuckers as well. I kept expecting him to be hiding somewhere in my room and just perched and waiting until I finally passed out from exhaustion so that he could strike my unprotected flesh. I escaped that fate, but I’m sure it’s not because he didn’t want to. Bastard.

      Reply

  3. Don't Quote Lily
    Aug 29, 2012 @ 10:41:19

    Haha, never thought a post about a sneaky wasp could be so entertaining. 😀

    Reply

  4. Jenna M
    Aug 29, 2012 @ 13:28:39

    I hate wasps and their ilk with many fibers of my being.Other fibers are busy ogling Jeremy Render and Richard Armitage, but a lot of my fibers hate wasps . I used to have an awesome dog that would snap them out of the air and bite the vicious creatures in half. The point of my story is that i totally comiserate and wish my awesome dog were still around for me to lend to you.

    Reply

  5. bluzdude
    Aug 29, 2012 @ 13:51:54

    In our old farmhouse, my bedroom used to have the access door to the attic, where wasps would occasionally congrugate. In winter though, they don’t fly much, they just kind of crawl around, sometimes crawling down into my room.

    One time, I was laying across my bed, on my stomach, reading, when I felt a tickle on my toes. I wiggled my toes and it went away, so I didn’t think much more of it… until I felt a big pain on the side of my knee. The wasp had slid down my sweatpant leg and stung me.

    Man, was I pissed. I beat that thing into pulp, with the heel of my steel-toed boot. My parents thought I was tearing the house down or something. But I consider myself lucky… at least the little fucker didn’t crawl any further before stinging. It might have been months before I could put on underwear again.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Sep 12, 2012 @ 13:29:04

      Ouch. Yeah, I’m thinking the kneee was a better target. Those sneaky assholes. He was probably going for your goods and just got distracted or confused. Lucky for you.

      Reply

  6. Go Jules Go
    Aug 29, 2012 @ 14:23:34

    Okay, I bow down to you for this post. Hilarious.

    I fluctuate wildly when it comes to bug killing, between wanting to defeat them utterly and asking myself, “Who am I to play God?” I guess I’m less merciful when it comes to killing wasps, though. They’re asking for it.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Sep 12, 2012 @ 13:30:26

      Wasps are evil incarnate. DO NOT feel bad for killing them. I’m really more of a fly killer, and have pinpoint accuracy with them. My kids are hella impressed. I don’t usually go after the stingers as much, but this one needed to die. Sadly, my skills were bested. 😦

      Reply

  7. madtante
    Aug 29, 2012 @ 14:49:22

    Having grown up on a working ranch, I refer to myself as a serial killer. MO. changes but I have many skillz. I beheaded a rabbit with my hands last year. I’m seriously …serious. People don’t f with me, if they’re smart. At least not on my property. They’d never know where to look for whatever genetic evidence may be left. I’m allergic to wasps and run screaming like a little girl when I see/ hear one. I’ll kill them, too, but only after embarrassing myself.

    Reply

  8. dockfam
    Aug 29, 2012 @ 15:11:07

    Love this description of the horror that plagues me as well….wasps. Eck. They are the spawns of satan and have no real reason to be on this earth. I’m always afraid one of my little birds will get stung by one and die. If I see one in the house, it is ON. I grab the Fabreeze and go on a spraying spree. So, did ya ever find out where it went?

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Sep 12, 2012 @ 13:33:08

      The distraction I was talking about here was me going into the garage for the jumbo industrial strength bee/wasp spray. By the time I returned, he had disappeared. I would have sprayed the hell out of him.

      I never found him. No idea where he went. Cue Twilight Zone theme.

      Reply

  9. pegoleg
    Aug 29, 2012 @ 16:22:21

    Is that your actual hand with the deadly creature nestled so trustingly therein? shiver, shiver.

    Reply

  10. Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson
    Aug 29, 2012 @ 19:42:14

    Misty:

    Do you know my super power? I am like the wasp whisperer. I can draw them to me and carry them in my hands — outside. This was a great piece.

    And.

    If I can ever recover the material from my crashed computer, would you consider letting me use that image of the wasp near that hand? That would be a great cover for my currently destroyed and irretrievable manuscript.

    I’m trying to remain optimistic.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Sep 12, 2012 @ 13:35:52

      I would be happy to let you use any picture you want, except . . . it’s not mine. I’ve been trying really hard to find free pictures online now, what with the whole copyright debacle of late, but could not find any of a wasp. So I just . . . picked one. Just out there on the interwebz.

      I am so ashamed.

      Reply

  11. Danielle Charlton Geer
    Aug 30, 2012 @ 11:26:53

    *shudder*

    Flying stinging insects are second only to bats in my list of Things That Will Make Me Pee With Fright If They Come Near Me Because I’m Positive They Will Land In My Hair And If They Do I Will Surely Beat Myself To Death Trying To Kill It.

    True story. You should see me walk on water when a bee lands in the pool. I’m all, “Hey, Jesus… WATCH THIS.”

    You are my Hero!!

    Reply

  12. mark
    Aug 31, 2012 @ 22:04:07

    I’m terrified. Terrorism like that cannot be tolerated. Threat level midnight.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Sep 12, 2012 @ 13:37:48

      I tried my best to eliminate the target, but failed miserably. I hope he has since perished and the threat level can be decreased to say, pre-dawn?

      Reply

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