Elf You!

I have something that I need to share with you all, and I feel that right here on my blog is the appropriate place to do it.  So here goes . . .

I have a mixed marriage.

That’s right.  It’s true.  I know you are probably shocked and appalled, and honestly, I don’t blame you.

Most of the time, it is just fine.  My husband and I get along well.  There are many other things that we have in common, that bind us and connect us in more ways than the things that cause discord.  But around this time of year, our stark differences become apparent, and it gets tougher to ignore the obvious.  That we are two very different species.

It is time to come clean.  I am married to . . . an Elf!

Not this elf . . .

Please don’t judge him or my love for him too harshly.  You don’t know what it’s like until you have dealt with it yourself.  I have learned to live with his hyper-cheeriness and overly exuberant holiday ways.  But sometimes it is difficult.  VERY difficult.  Like this last weekend.

Thanksgiving was relatively early this year.  There is a full week of November left after the turkey holiday passes, leaving more than a month to prepare for Christmas.  And while other families are sedated and stuffed full of turkey and taters and cranberry sauce, we in the “Laws” household do things a little differently on the day after this gluttonous holiday celebration.  No, not Black Friday shopping!  Now that would be cause for divorce.  We do something even more insidious and obnoxious.  We . . . go cut down our Christmas tree.

Every single year.  Every.  Single.  YEAR.  The day after Thanksgiving, you will find me and the kids, traipsing along behind our resident Elf, through fields and fields of fresh Christmas trees, trying to find the perfect specimen of nature to unceremoniously chop down and haul home on the top of our roof.  Shameful.

Oh, but that is not the worst of it.  Not even by a small percentage.  Ho ho no!  When we drag this poor, formerly grand and living creature into our living room, hoist it up inside a little plastic vice, and prepare it for display, guess who gets to do all the work to decorate this behemoth.  Not the Elf.  No sir.  It is I . . . the Scrooge.

Bah Humbug!

What is this?  (I’m sure you are wondering).  How on earth does the non-Elf of the family get roped into being the one who is solely responsible for tree positioning, lighting, bowing and ornamenting?  Especially since said anti-Elf is actually allergic to pine and gets all of these nifty little red bumps all up and down her arms when she comes in contact with said tree?  ‘Tis a mystery, indeed.  But somehow, over the many years of our unholy union holy matrimony, the hubs and I have come up with an unspoken deal whereas I am responsible for all of the inside decoration, including the hateful tree, and he deals with everything out of doors. This includes climbing all over the house to hang up lights, so I guess I at least get the safer end of this bargain, if not the better part.

But this is not the worst part.  You would think it would be the fact that I’ve somehow willingly gone along with this madness of cutting down a tree and installing it squarely in our otherwise non-naturey living room the very day after Thanksgiving (there are still leftovers, people!), ensuring that once the tree is removed from the home, those stabby little dead needles will assault me repetitively as I try to remove all of the decorations from it’s boughs . . . but no.  Or the fact that no matter how well I plan, or how new all of the string of lights to be hung around the tree are, that every year, EVERY SINGLE YEAR, a strand will go out after I have spent over an hour wrapping the entire tree in sparkly lights, thus causing part of, or sometimes all of, the tree to be doused in darkness.

This year it was the bottom strand of lights. Fun.

Oh no, it is not just that.  Alas, it has now become dire.  I fear for us all at this point.  Because this year?  Oh this year . . . apparently my husband’s Elfiness is contagious.

That’s right.  They are . . . mini Elves!!  Upon returning to the house after running an errand with my hubs, and seeing their mother in a battle royale of wrestling lights onto this abomination, my children rushed upstairs to change their clothes, and completely unbidden, returned wearing Christmas PJs.  The little one is actually dressed as an Elf, and the biggun is wearing Santa PJs.

I felt it necessary to warn everyone of this development.  Since I am now surrounded, it is only a matter of time before I succumb to their cheery and Elfy influences.  I’ve fought a good long hard fight, but I fear I have come to my end.  I wish to bid you adieu, and warn you to remain vigilant, my friends.  Afterall . . . if you don’t stay aware, this could also happen to you.  You’ve been warned.


Are you a Scrooge or an Elf?  Are you surrounded by like-minded folk, or are you also in a mixed relationship?  Am I the ONLY ONE who has their tree already up and decorated???  Say it ain’t so.


34 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Go Jules Go
    Nov 28, 2012 @ 08:57:35

    How about that – you just commented on my blog as I was reading yours! I have to say, that is a very comely tree. And at least you had help decorating this year? Can you tell I fall squarely in the ‘elf’ camp??


    • mistyslaws
      Dec 04, 2012 @ 11:35:32

      I actually wait until you are commenting on my post, then race over and try to hit submit at the exact same time. It’s a sickness.

      Yes, my help consisted of clumsy little elves who sit on ornaments and break them. It was glorious.

      I had not doubt about your elf status. I won’t hold it against you. :p


  2. buttah
    Nov 28, 2012 @ 09:22:42

    Oh no…you are NOT the only one. And I can even one up you! We go cut our tree ON THANKSGIVING DAY!!! We stuff our faces, and instead of taking the well deserved triptophan induced nap, we pile into the vehicle, drive an hour and 15 minutes and go pick our tree. We have done this for the last 16 years, except for the year I was pregs because my little sweet pea was stretching the hell outta my uterus and it hurt so bad I couldn’t walk. So that was the only year we didn’t have a tree. And I also, am allergic to the pine tree…snot and sneezing and all. Thank goodness our tree farm has a wonderful species called a Leland Cyprus!! AND they DON’T SHED!! It’s a win-win! Hubs does put the lights on the tree for me, but then everything else indoors is all mine. He does all the roof climbing, so I guess I can’t complain too much.


    • mistyslaws
      Dec 04, 2012 @ 11:37:22

      Wow. ON Thanksgiving is bad. And shhhhhh . . . don’t give my hubs any ideas!!

      I have never heard of that species. Wish my tree farm had it. I hate all those little pine needles all over the house.

      Sounds like we have very similar households.


  3. Leauxra
    Nov 28, 2012 @ 10:52:01

    No children related to me within 1000 miles. Parents planning to take everyone to California for Christmas as a present and to celebrated their 40th, and a complete lack of interest this year. It’s just like January, but with more sales.

    Baaaah! Humbug.

    (Give me a week, and I will transform into an elf when I realize I need to buy all the presents before we leave on vacation).


    • mistyslaws
      Dec 04, 2012 @ 11:38:48

      Ooooh, a trip to Cali for Xmas. Sounds good. Can I come? I’m sure it’s not too late for your parents to adopt me, right?

      No no no no!! No transformations. Just grumble and bah humbug your way through all those purchases. It’s how I do it! 😉


  4. erica
    Nov 28, 2012 @ 11:14:57

    Haha! I love your elf family. Growing up we always had “real” trees. We didn’t go to a tree farm though. We would drive around in the country and look for ditch trees. They were always horribly misshapen. I have since switched to fake trees since the time that I brought in my ditch tree, decorated it, and then was told by my roommate that it smelled of raccoon piss.


    • mistyslaws
      Dec 04, 2012 @ 11:39:31

      A ditch tree!! Hahahahahaha. Oh, that is hysterical. I’ve never heard them described as that.

      And yes, I can see how racoon piss might ruin some of the holiday spirit. 😉


  5. She's a Maineiac
    Nov 28, 2012 @ 14:12:30

    You’d think I would be an elf, and you’re right. But, my husband is more of an elf than I am. He wants to put the tree up the day after Halloween. So I gotta play the Scrooge and make the poor guy wait until Thanksgiving (he actually put the trees up the day before turkey day this year…)


    • mistyslaws
      Dec 04, 2012 @ 11:40:41

      Oh no!! TWO ELVES?? That is quite frightening. At least the hubs and I counterbalance each other, so the Xmas spirit doesn’t implode our home. And before Thanksgiving?? Oh Darla.


  6. Jen
    Nov 28, 2012 @ 14:22:47

    I absolutely adore Christmas but that festive spirit is tempered by the fact that I am the laziest son of a bitch on the planet. Therefore, while I love all things Yule, the physical act of decorating and “tree-ing” generally takes place in a half-assed manner somewhere around the 20th. Meh…


  7. Winopants
    Nov 28, 2012 @ 16:54:15

    One of my good friends is in a similar such marriage. She: gets a gigantic tree, has it up and decorated the first day after Christmas. He: hangs a plush Grinch just under the star


  8. Kitten Thunder's Girl
    Nov 28, 2012 @ 17:46:37

    I need to ask The Boy where we put our Christmas tree – plastic, because neither of us bothered to even have a tree for eight years and a live tree is just waaaaay too much effort. But then I will decorate it because I am two presents away from being done and I’ll want to show them off under something.


    • mistyslaws
      Dec 04, 2012 @ 11:42:37

      I will say it is definitely nice to have it all done finally, so the presents can go under there. Very festive and holiday like. Wait, unless that makes me an elf? Because if so . . . nevermind. Stupid tree.


  9. cestlavie22
    Nov 28, 2012 @ 20:11:08

    This is absolutely adorable! I have to admit I am an Elf as well. I love the christmas spirit. I need the boy to get the tree up so I can really get into the mood! I cant wait to one day have little elves spreading cheer 🙂


    • mistyslaws
      Dec 04, 2012 @ 11:43:26

      It’s much more festive with the kiddies, that’s for sure. Part of the reason I do so much of it is because of them. They just love this time of year SO MUCH. Sigh. I’m so exhausted already.


  10. ifUseekAmy
    Nov 28, 2012 @ 22:51:04

    Lovely tree!!!

    I’m not so much an elf. I spend Xmas down at my mom’s in Florida, so I never decorate my place. But every year I say that I’m going to get one of the Charlie Brown trees that the tree vendors sell for like $10 on the street corners. They’re too cute. I do love the smell of all the pine trees being sold on the sidewalks, though.


    • mistyslaws
      Dec 04, 2012 @ 11:44:26

      I actually saw a licensed Charlie Brown Xmas tree in Walgreens the other day. With the tilting and the one red ball ornament. I was so tempted to get it and just put it in the corner. 😉 My elf husband would NOT approve!


  11. Brett Minor (@brettminor)
    Nov 29, 2012 @ 05:27:24

    The year after my divorce, I was struggling with getting the tree up and the kids weren’t being any help. I snapped that since I was only doing this for them, they might want to give me a hand. They told me (nicely) that they hadn’t asked for a tree and thought it took up too much space in our little place to begin with. We haven’t had one since.

    We are NOT humbugs, but we don’t get caught up with Christmas spirit either. The day comes and then goes without much hoopla.

    For your household, I have a question. Since you are allergic, why do you continue to get a real tree?


    • mistyslaws
      Dec 04, 2012 @ 11:46:05

      Wow, no tree. I wonder if my kids will reach that point in the future. They are part me, afterall. 😉

      The elf insists on a real tree. And I only break out on my arms, where I’m all up in the tree. And it goes away after a day. It’s a pain, but not unbearable for a short time.


  12. thoughtsappear
    Nov 29, 2012 @ 07:26:22

    Our tree isn’t up yet, but that’s because Kiefer leaves for Russia this weekend, and I refuse to take care of plants…even ones that glow.


  13. Vesta Vayne
    Nov 29, 2012 @ 09:40:22

    I LOVE that your chilluns went and put on their Christmas PJs! So cute!

    I am an elf, my husband indulges me, probably because I ply him with delicious holiday cocktails. Sadly my tree is not up yet. We’ll be in Texas this year, so I’ll have to wait until then to decorate.


    • mistyslaws
      Dec 04, 2012 @ 11:47:27

      Well, if someone was plying me with delicious holiday cocktails, I would probably transform into a much more elf-like person as well!! Wanna come over? 😉


  14. Valerie
    Nov 29, 2012 @ 10:20:21

    I love Christmas!!! But only when it’s December. Because I used to work in retail, and that shite will ruin your holiday spirit!!




  15. Ash-Matic
    Nov 29, 2012 @ 11:03:13

    Definitely a Scrooge. I avoid arguments about decorations by folding my arms and refusing to have anything to do with them. Because I’m fun like that.


  16. girl4dabible
    Nov 29, 2012 @ 12:27:40

    I am definitely an elf! I love Christmas and giving gifts. I decorate with what I have, and when i was growing up we had a fake tree most of the time. It was really a special thing when we could convince the rents to buy a real tree. Since I moved out on my own though, I have loved going out and picking the perfect tree.. Its always been fun decorating it, though it is a little lonely since it is just me doing it all! I don’t mind most days, only once in a while, when I think of having those old family type Christmases..


    • mistyslaws
      Dec 04, 2012 @ 11:49:42

      See, I grew up with a real tree, and so did my husband. So it just seems natural to us to have one. But it’s still a big pain in the keester.

      I’m sure that even though it’s a bit lonely, decorating the tree reminds you of family memories and that helps somewhat, yes?


      • girl4dabible
        Dec 18, 2012 @ 10:04:21

        Yes, it is nice to have the memories from the past of all the decorating and what-not, and it does help sometimes to think back to those times. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.


  17. Trackback: Getting into the Spirit « Misty's Laws

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