Convos with the Kiddos: Part Eight


We were watching ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas on TV . . .

78 reindeer?  But where’s Rudolph?
Me:  I think this might have happened before he was born.
7:  Well, is that first reindeer his father . . . Dixon?


Watching The Voice . . .

Carson Daly:  So if you want to vote for Cassie . . .
7:  I don’t!  She’s awful!
Me:  You’re being pretty mean to her.
7:  You think enemies are nice to their enemies?
Me:  Um, she’s your enemy now?


A Christmas commercial comes on the TV for Samsung phones (elves make Santa a video, telling him he can watch it on the sleigh, then Mrs. Claus says she also make him a video . . . but that he probably shouldn’t watch it on the sleigh . . .  suggestive look . . . eyebrows raised).

7:  I saw a different commercial like that.  A guy is getting on a plane and his kid made a video, and then his wife also made a video, but tells him he probably shouldn’t watch it on the plane.  I agree!  You probably shouldn’t watch videos on planes.  Except for the ones they have on there for you.

I am so thankfully that he did not catch the naughty undertones of that commercial.


Listening to a mix tape (yes, I still call it that, but technically a CD) in the car, and Elvis Presley’s Suspicious Minds comes on . . .

Me:  I’ll give you a dollar if you can tell me who sings this.
7:  Hmmmm . . . Michael Buble?
Me:  Sigh.  You’re killing me here, kid.



The Geico commercial comes on TV . . .

4:  Is that the eggo?
Me:  What is an eggo?
4:  That little guy on TV.  Is he an eggo?
Me:  No babe, that’s a gecko.


4:  Nobody wants an old blompy paper.
Me:  Blompy?
4:  Yeah, that means all curled up and crazy.


4:  Hey mommy, I know something that’s no such thing.
Me:  Oh yeah, what’s that?
4:  Candy Juice!

Yeah, pretty sure that’s called “soda” my son.


4:  This is true:  when we got there, we saw fire fighters playing basketball.
Me:  That’s true, huh?
4:  Yeah!  And if you’d been there to see it, it would be the truth!

He’s gonna be a brilliant defense attorney someday.  I’m so proud!  *sniff*


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4:  Mommy, I want to make two snowmen.
Me:  I’m not sure there’s enough snow for 2, bud.
4:  Can I tell you why I want to make 2?  Let me whisper in your ear.  ((because I want the snowmen to be you and me!))

Heart . . . melting . . . so . . . much!

Me on the right, my son on the left, and some random pirate kid that jumped in the middle!  (Ok, fine . . . that's 4).

That’s me on the right, my son on the left, and some random pirate kid sitting in the middle! (Ok, fine . . . that’s 4).


4:  Yeah, do that, baby!
7:  Baby?
4:  You know how some people are Rock Stars and they say, “yeah, baby!”


4:  You know what I want to be when I grow up?  The Hawk!
7:  You will have to be WAY stronger to be The Hawk.
4:  Oh, I will work out every single day.  And I’ll be like “can I have some broccoli, please?  Can I have some cauliflower, please?” because those are super healthy!

I fully support my son’s goal to become a fictional character.


Hubs:  I got you guys something from Costa Rica!
7:  ((said with full on disdain))  Let me guess . . . a shirt.
Me:  Well, I guess you don’t want it then, huh?
4:  Maybe it’s a big bag of candy!
Hubs:  Oh yes, I definitely got you guys a big bag of CANDY.
4:  Or maybe it’s a big bag of VEGETABLES.  For 7 to put in his mouth!!

4 is getting way too good with the comebacks.  We’re gonna be in trouble soon . . .



When Viruses Attack

It came out of nowhere.

There I was, innocently checking blogs on my work computer when suddenly . . . BLAM.  White screen.

What the . . . ?

My screen was completely blank and frozen.  I couldn’t Esc my way out of it, couldn’t get to my desktop or taskbar, and had no idea what was happening.

And then, after a couple minutes of fruitlessly attempting to do something on my computer, my screen was filled with what appeared to be a legal document.  A notice of some sort.  From the FBI.

Ruh Roh, Raggy!!

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As I began to peruse the document, which outlined certain violations of articles and subsections thereto, my heart began to beat faster and a cold sweat broke out on my brow.

They know.  Oh god, they know.  How could they?  I didn’t think my work computer was monitored by the feds.  How did this happen?  But somehow, they found out.  They know about . . . gulp . . . the blogging.

Your PC is blocked due at least one of the reasons specified below.

Violating Copyright or Related Rights Law.  Illegally using or distributing copyrighted content.  Yep, I am so guilty of that!  That one blog post I did where I used the perfect meme, from which I did not know the source.  Oh yes, I admit it.  That was me.  And then there was that video of Tesla’s Love Song I copied from YouTube and then sent to my friend via Facebook.  Oh man, I’m a repeat offender.  This is not good.  They’ve totally got me on this one!

Viewing or distributing prohibited pornographic content (child porn/zoophilia, etc.) . . . The what now?  I mean . . . oh no!  I can’t believe they know about my predilection for downloading pictures of baby animals having sex.  Oh the shame, the humiliation!

Violating the law on neglectful use of personal computer.  Huh, well . . . you’ve kinda stumped me on this one.  Because someone might have accessed my computer without my knowledge, thus enabling malware, I am responsible?  Also, this isn’t a personal computer, it’s a work computer.  Well, maybe this one just doesn’t apply to me.  Huh.

Well, I guess it’s time to face the music.  Now, I suppose I need to know what the repercussions are of my obviously illegal (and let’s face it, sinful) actions?

10 to 29 years of possible incarceration for all of those violations?  And a picture of hands in cuffs right there on the screen?  Wow, this must be serious.  But I’m too pretty to go to jail!  And prison orange is just not my color.  I might be able to get away with more of a navy or black if that’s an option . . . wait!  No, I will not be going to prison over this!  Isn’t there something I can do to make up for my transgressions and avoid jail time?

This law infringement (if not repeated – first time) may be considered as conditional in case you pay the fine to the State.  Wait, what’s this now? A fine, you say?  I can pay a fine and make this all go away?

Fines may only be paid within 72 hours after the infringement.  As soon as 72 hours elapse, the ability to pay the fine expires, and a criminal case is initiated against you.  Phew!  You mean no charges have been filed yet?  What a relief!  Well, I’ll just pay the fine then.  I mean, I just got this notice, so I’m sure it’s within 72 hours of my infringement.  But, how . . . where . . . when . . . how much?  I need details!  If only there was a helpful step by step explanation of how I can pay this fine and how much it will be.

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Oh, look here at the bottom of the page.  Helpful tips on how I can make this whole thing go away, and also have the FBI relinquish its hold on my computer.  Hooray!

To unblock the computer, you must pay the fine through MoneyPak of $200.  $200??  Whoa, that’s kinda steep.  I mean, I don’t just have $200 lying around to pay government agencies that tap into my computer and threaten me with legal action!  Who am I, Bernie Madoff?

But then again . . . being prosecuted for copyright infringement/pornography would probably jeopardize my employment status.  I imagine my boss would not be very happy with me once he finds out what I’ve been doing on my office computer.  I mean, blogging at work?  That may even be a terminable offense!  And then, no more paychecks for me.  Plus, I would definitely need to hire a lawyer specializing in this field, as I really don’t practice in cyber law or copyright infringement.  And you know what they say about lawyers representing themselves, right?  And I ain’t no fool.  No sir, not me.

So really, it would be cheaper to just pay the fine.  I mean, as long as I pay them quickly, it shouldn’t take that long for them to unlock the computer, right?  And maybe then no one will ever know about . . . about . . . the blogging.

When you pay the fine, your PC will get unlocked in 1 to 48 hours after the money is put into the State’s account.  Well, there you go!  As soon as I pay the money, they will go ahead and unlock my computer.  I mean, at most it will take them 48 hours, but still.  I’ll get my computer back, and no harm no foul.

Then again . . . what is this “State” they keep referring to?  I mean, isn’t this the Federal Government?  Which State are they talking about?  And what is this part where they say a service fee of $4,95 will apply Why the comma after the 4?  Is that just a typo?  And speaking of typos . . . what’s with the poorly written text of this letter?  I mean, if I didn’t know better, I would think it was crafted by someone who’s primary language was not English.

But then again, there is that little warning there on the side about fraud.  I mean, how ironic would it be if this was a fraudulent letter warning me of fraud?  That just makes my head spin too much for it to be true!

Oh, but this must be legit.  There.  Right there at the bottom. is an official site of the U.S. Federal Government, U.S. Department of Justice.  Really, along with the very official looking seal up at the top of the page and all of the articles and subsections quoted in the text, this must be the real thing.  Right?

Now, where did I put my credit card?  I need to go to one of the listed establishments and find me a MoneyPak to load some cash onto, then send it off to these very helpful Federal Agents.  Then I will just sit back and wait for my computer to be unlocked.  What could go wrong?

And hey . . . let’s keep that little thing about the animals and watching their intimate relations just between us, mkay?  Cool, thanks.  I knew you’d understand.  I mean, what with the things I’m sure you’ve download . . . yeah, I know all about it.  I read your blogs, remember?  And I’m pretty sure you don’t have any room to judge me, my friend.  Don’t make me call the feds.  I know how to contact them now, remember?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  Shhhhhh!


Have you ever been violated accused in such a horrible manner?  What was your virus like? 

Muy Frio

Cold.  But not just cold.  Not “hey, put on a jacket, it’s a bit nippy out” cold.  This is a cold that attacks all of your exposed skin with tiny sharp prickly knives.  A cold that will require an extra 10 minutes of preparation just to face it, wrapping up as much skin as possible with protective cottons, leathers and nylons.

Cold that feels like a physical presence you must move through and around to reach your eventual destination.  A destination that will lock out the cold and slowly thaw your freezing extremities.

A painful cold that you breathe into your lungs, only to then expel a cloud of vapor as the warmth visually seeps out of your body.

A cold you cannot even really contemplate until it hits you in the face upon exiting your home in the morning.  A cold that is reportedly 9° in the early morning before the sun has a chance to crest the horizon.  A cold that even late in the day, has only doubled to about 18°.

Cold that you will avoid unless absolutely necessary.  A cold that tries to trick you into disbelieving the reports of its brutality, appeasing and cajoling you with a bright and sunny day.  A cold against which the weak mid-winter sunshine has no power.

Cold that initiates a Code Blue in the city, enabling homeless and elderly to seek additional shelter, to avoid the very real chance of freezing to death on the streets.  A cold that forces water mains under city streets to break.

Cold like an ominous intruder, crawling over and peeking into your home, forcing your central heating to keep constant vigilance against this attempted menacing intrusion.

Cold that frightens you while standing in your kitchen late at night, when you hear the sound of an explosion outside of your home, while simultaneously seeing what looks like a dirty snowball flung against your back porch window. A cold that causes metal to be shoved and stretched by the frozen ice crystals of the caffeinated beverage within, eventually bursting through the twisted and sliced-open metal in an explosion of slushy soda.  A cold that freezes your own resolve to remove the remaining soda cans from the back porch and bring them into the warmth of the house, for fear that they will then explode and coat your kitchen with syrupy slush.


A cold that makes you long for the beaches and gentle breezes of summertime.  A cold that gives you amnesia, erasing all your memories of frolicking in shorts and flip-flops.  A cold that seems to last for an eternity.  To deny even the existence of spring, which seems like years, and not just a few short months away.  A cold that lives deep inside of you and refuses to acknowledge an eventual thaw.

Unrelenting.  Cold.

Winter Pick Me Up

Well, as we’ve previously discussed, it seems that we are all in the throes of winter doldrums.  Whether from the bitter cold (except for those of you down under, then it’s from searing HEAT); or the fact that you only get to experience sunlight from your office windows, because it’s dark on the way in and on the way home from work; or the fact that most people I know have come down with some type of plague during this lovely January month.  Whatever it is that’s getting you down and in the dumps, you are not alone.  And while that sense of harmony with the rest of the depressed world probably doesn’t help perk up your mood, I know what will . . . presents!!

That’s right . . . it’s time for another round of pick me ups, via an infamous Misty’s Laws’ giveaway!!

So, I guess you’re wondering what is on the menu of this smorgasbord of prizes this go round.  Well . . . Vanna, tell them what they’ve won!!  Or, could possibly win, anyway.


iPhone case


Typewriter computer decal






Rubik’s cube type keychain

Pretty good haul, yes?  Enough to perk up even the greyest mood, I’d imagine.  So, if you are interested in these items, all you need to do is leave a comment below telling me what you have been doing to try to keep positive during these gloomy winter months.  I’m sure everyone would be happy to hear any helpful tips to keep our spirits up.

Do you make a mug of hot chocolate and sip it by the fire while the bitter wind blows outside?  Take a nice hot soothing bath, while reading a good book and having a glass of wine?  Or even take a walk around the neighborhood for some exercise and a little Vitamin D on a sunny but brisk day?  Those are just some of the things that I’ve been doing recently to try to keep my mood up.

So go ahead and share your own ideas with the class, and you’ll get a chance to win these fab items and give yourself a little pick me up.  I can’t wait to hear what you come up with.  And then I get to do one of my favoritest things . . . send presents to one of my friends!

The Sky’s the Limit

Almost a year ago, I did a post where I pretty much just apologized, then showed you all a bunch of pics I had taken of sunsets.  Then, after the pictures, I kinda told everyone to fuck off.  Oops.  I may have been a little touchy about the whole sensitive side I was showing and was trying to preemptively deflect the expected criticism of the post.  I mean, that’s probably what my therapist would say . . . if I had a therapist.  I assume.

But that was almost an entire year ago!  I am so much more mature than that now.  And while technically I am the same age that I was when that was posted (I had just turned 37, and at this moment I am still a month and a half away from my next birthday), I feel like I have grown over this past year.  I am stronger and more confident in my abilities and comfortable with what I am putting out there in the blogosphere.  Mostly.

So, this post is once again going to be pictures of gorgeous skies that I have seen over the past year and was able to snap a picture of, usually as I’m driving home into the sun.  What it’s not gonna be, though, is apologetic.  I love me some sunsets.  And I’m a proud sunset lover.  Don’t hate me for my preferences.  My love is just as pure as yours.

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And this is where I show you just how unpredictable I am . . . because this here, this is a sunrise.  Surprise!!  I took this early (way too early) one morning last year when we took the kids to Ocean City, MD for spring break.  This was the view from our hotel room.  Amazing, no?



Now this is a sunset in Ocean City.  See, OCMD is basically just one really long peninsula, with the Atlantic Ocean on one side and the bay on the other.  Our hotel was high enough that we could actually see both the ocean and the bay.  This was an evening where the sun had just sunk down below the horizon and night was just about upon us.  But you can still see a little of the glow over the bay, giving it a nice orange streak.



Big huge fluffy white clouds floating in a dark blue sky.  What’s not to love about this?  Also . . . I took this while driving on a highway.  Skills . . . mad skills, yo.

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Rainbow in my backyard?  Yes, I am actually that special.  See?  Told you I was magical.  Proof!



Pretty summer sunset.  Ahhhh . . .



This was in Ocean City during our summer trip.  I may have put this in a post back then, but cannot remember.  I just love the swept away look of the wispy clouds here.  So pretty.



Another Ocean City sunset over the bay . . . from ground level this time.



This was just a spectacular sky.  I was walking from my office to the parking garage, and saw a group of people in front of me looking up and pointing to the sky.  When I looked to see what was so engaging, I saw this wall of clouds moving across the sky at a fast clip, covering the sun.  There was a storm coming, and what it created was this magnificent half sky.  It was breathtaking.



This was a gorgeous summer sunset.  It looked like the entire sky was on fire. 



Pre-Halloween spider web with sunlight shining through.



It’s hard to explain what was happening here.  This was during my morning commute.  I was driving into this soupy haze, and then all of a sudden BAM, the sunlight just pierced through in this one spot and lit everything up in this amazing glow.  The picture doesn’t really do it justice.  But it was pretty amazing.



This was the same day as the above sunrise, but in the afternoon/evening.  I love how it looked like this wall of dark foreboding clouds was kind of rushing towards the blue sky, in an attempt to envelope it.  Oh, but the sky kept getting better and better as the night approached (I have a long drive home) . . .



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The sky was incredible that day.  I took so many pictures driving home.  I’m shocked I didn’t get into an accident, honestly, because my eyes were looking up the entire time, trying to snap pics of the gorgeous, ever-changing sky.



Gorgeous sunset view from my front porch.



Another beautiful sunset as I was driving home from work.



Another sky on fire.



Another wall of clouds drifting over the sunset.

For those of you who hung in there with me, thank you for taking this journey with me through a year of my penchance for photographing the sky.

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty!


Well, it’s that time of year again.  That magical time after the holidays are over, when you’ve joyously celebrated with family and friends, drinking and eating your weight in cheese and wine, celebrating a new year.  But now, all of that frivolity and joy has come to an end, and it is time for your yearly trip to . . . depressionville.  I don’t know if it’s the cold, the dark, the after holiday let down, or for me most specifically, the post flu recovery, but there is just something about this time of year that seems to bring people down into the depths of despair.  There is sickness, and moping, and blues.

I am no stranger to these blues, as I currently seem to find myself similarly mired down in a deep state of funk.

But!  I may have found a way to combat this funk, at least momentarily.  I was recently reading some comments on a blog post (and for the love of Zeus, I cannot remember whose blog or who said it, otherwise I would totally credit them!), and a suggestion was given to write down 100 things that you like about yourself.  Which I thought was somewhat brilliant, since I find myself constantly running a mental check list of opposite items.  For example . . . Too fat, too lazy, Unappreciated at work, Not the best mom, Really not the best wife, Flabby arms, Large Ass, Ever widening hips, Crooked teeth, etc.


See how easy it is?  I didn’t even have to think very hard about those things.  They just leapt out of my noggin at warp speed!  Which is pretty pathetic.  I mean, if I am constantly thinking negative things about myself, no wonder I’m walking around all mopey.

So, we are all going to try this exercise, starting with yours truly.  I am going to try to compile a list of 100 things that I actually like about myself.  I’ll start here with however many I can think of, and continue later as more things come to me.  And I challenge you to do the same.  List some things that you like about you.  You will be amazed at how many you can think of and how it will perk you up!


100 Things I like about ME:

1.  I have adorable feet.
2.  I am a good friend.
3.  I always try to remember everyone’s birthday and always send a funny card to make them smile.
4.  I have freakishly tiny wrists which confounds medical professionals.
5.  I am highly knowledgable and skilled in my current profession.
6.  I am usually very polite.
7.  I kiss and hug my boys goodbye when I leave for work and before bed every single day.
8.  I tell my boys that I love them every single day.
9.  I have good skin.
10.  I have shiny hair.
11.  I make a mean veggie stir fry.
12.  I make world class spaghetti sauce.
13.  I’m not afraid to try new recipes.
14.  I’m a pretty good writer.
15.  I listen when people talk to me.
16.  I love my kids with all my heart.
17.  I love my husband, even if I don’t show it as much as I should.
18.  I buy and send random gifts to people just because they make me think of that person and I think it will make them smile.
19.  I send funny “thinking of you” cards to people when they are dealing with difficult times.
20.  I always try to say something insightful, funny or meaningful when commenting on friends’ blogs.
21.  I always try to comment on friends’ blogs, so they know that their efforts are valued and recognized.
22.  I often buy random things for my boys when I am shopping, just because I know they will like them and it will make them happy, even if there is no occasion.
23.  I treat my secretaries and other support staff with respect, and never demean or demand from them.
24.  I tip well . . . unless there is blatantly horrible service.
25.  I have yet to murder either my mother or my brother.  (Seriously, this one alone might qualify me for sainthood).
26.  I always say please and thank you.
27.  I make sure my kids’ schedules for sports, camps, birthdays, etc. is organized and that everyone knows where they need to be and when they need to be there.
28.  I schlep my kids to and from sports, camps and birthday parties constantly.
29.  I have 2 full time jobs . . . lawyer and mommy, both of which I do diligently and tirelessly (Ok, so maybe not tirelessly, but continuously at least!).
30.  I wash sheets and towels every week.
31.  I make dinner for the kids almost every night and make sure their lunches are packed and ready for the next day.
32.  I am a voracious reader.
33.  I pretty much know a song by heart after hearing it only a couple times, both words and melody.
34.  I have never once in my entire life worn leggings . . . and especially not ever as pants.
35.  I am kind.
36.  I am generous.
37.  I am thoughtful.
38.  I am good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me!  (Just seeing if you are still paying attention).
39.  If I stop at Dunkin Donuts on my way home (i.e. not on the way to work or somewhere else) I will most always pick up a coffee for the hubs.
40. . . . . . . . .

Phew!  Ok, that’s all I can do for now.  And believe me, I worked on that list for a while, continuously coming back to it when I thought of something else.  It’s hard.  But you know what?  I feel a little bit better about myself.  Once you look at the good things in black and white, it definitely lifts your mood a bit.


So now it’s your turn.  I want you to list some things you like about yourself.  It doesn’t have to be 100.  And really, this comment section would get ridiculous if everyone did 100, but just do as many as you can.  Or, if you would like to do all 100, maybe make it your own blog post and challenge your own readers to do the same!  Do it.  It really will make you feel so much better.  The gauntlet has been thrown . . . prepare to accept the challenge, my friends!

Calamity Jane


Well, it’s finally happened.  I’ve gone and done it good this time.  I’m not sure when or where or even how, but I went and pissed off the wrong person it seems.  Apparently, there is some witch or sorcerer out there that did not take kindly to my own personal brand of bitch snark, and has decided to punish me.  And the way in which the punishment has been doled out is in the form of a curse.  That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, yours truly has been hexed.  Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?


Basically this entire post!  In case you missed it, let me outline the pertinent points in the post:

  • I make an appointment at Urgent Care, then spend 3 eternal hours waiting to be seen by the one and only doctor working that day.  While I had the flu.
  • I try to have the Urgent Care fill my prescription, only to find that they were out of my medicine.
  • I have to go to CVS, that does have my medicines, but does not have my insurance information, and when I asked if they could pull it up in the system . . . discover that their system went down.
  • After waiting almost another hour for the system to come up, I finally get my meds and go to grab a couple things from the 70% off Xmas aisle on my way out, only to have the registers freeze up.

It was like I had some sort of black cloud hovering over my head that day.  It seemed as if everywhere I went, something went wrong or broke.


This past Sunday, I was in my living room and heard a crashing sound coming from upstairs.  Fearing it was my youngest son falling out of his bed, I ran upstairs to see if he was ok.  He was just fine, and wondered why his crazy eyed mom was rushing into his room when he was just trying to take a nap.  Overwhelmed by relief that my son was ok, and safe in the knowledge that all the living creatures in my home were unscathed, I didn’t think to investigate as to what the noise might actually have been.  However, later in the day, when I took my laundry basket upstairs to put away clothes, I walked into my closet and saw this:


See those little holes there in the wall?  Yeah, that’s where that huge long shelf full of hanging clothes used to be.  Here’s a different angle:


Yep, that suspicious crashing sound was actually the entire right side of my closet collapsing onto the floor.  And, because we just spent a buttload of money on Xmas, we don’t have any extra cash to fix it.  So I took the pile of sweaters that were sitting on top of that shelf (and weighing it down, apparently), threw them in a pile on the floor, and went about my business.  And I will be forced to ignore my tilted closet for a little while.  At least until I am no longer cursed, I guess.


About a month before Xmas, I got an email from a friend of mine who works for Zappos.  In that email, there was a 20% off coupon.  So, I decided that would be an ideal time to try to get some new shoes for court.  And the great thing about Zappos is you can order whatever you want, and then return whatever doesn’t work without having to pay shipping.  So, with that in mind, I ordered 4 pairs of shoes, figuring that at least one or two would work . . . and ended up with one great pair.  They are cute, they are sensible, they are comfortable (so key!) . . . and then part of the heel broke off after 2 days.  Crap.

But, because it’s Zappos and they are awesome, I called and asked if they could send a replacement pair, which they did right away.  But then the holidays came, and I wasn’t in court many more times, so the replacements were only worn about 3 times before Xmas and the death flu hit.  This past Tuesday was my first day back to work in weeks, and I wore my replacement shoes to court.  However, by the end of the day, I realized there was something wrong.  I was clicking as I walked.

So, I looked at the bottom of my heel, and this is what I saw:


See that shiny screw head at the bottom of the heel?  Yeah, it used to be covered by a thick piece of grooved rubber, so that as I walk, I don’t slip and murder myself.   Luckily, the shoes lasted until almost the end of the day, which meant that I merely had to make it from my office to the parking garage without dying . . . which I did.  Phew! 

Might have to try a little harder, witchy woman!  I’m still kicking.  (Just not in those shoes).

So, as you can see from the above evidence, there is obviously some sort of bad juju upon me that is causing all of these calamities to occur.  To whomever I happened to offend, I say to you a heartfelt, “I’m sorry.”

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

We good?  All’s forgiven?  We’re pals again, yes?  Good.  Now, can you please uncursify me at your earliest convenience, my friend.  Because this shit is getting really tiring.

The defense really needs to rest.

Misty’s Comet

What is your biggest memory of 1986?

Was it the release of The Bangles’ Walk Like an Egyptian?

Elvis Presley inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame?

The Chicago Bears winning the Super Bowl?

The release of Top Gun?

Hands Across America?  (I totally participated in that . . . how about you?)

The Designing Women premier?

No, I’m sure it’s not any of those things.  I am sure what you remember most about the year 1986 was the unforgettable and highly significant phenomenon of . . .

Halley’s Comet.

But!  Did your school commemorate this incredible event by creating a truly unique and astronomically gorgeous backdrop for your school pictures that year?  Huh, did they, did they?  I highly doubt it.  You are just not that special.

Well, mine did.  In fact, not only did they have this amazing backdrop commemorating this historic event, but there were props.  But not just any prop . . . a sexy telescope on which we could casually rest our arms in front of this beautiful backdrop.

Jealous?  I thought so.

Now, what do you think would be the appropriate outfit to wear for this incredible once in a lifetime moment and photo opportunity?  If you said a poofy armed pink lace dress, complete with big satin bow on the hip and faux double stranded pearls which were actually sewn directly onto only the front of the dress . . . you are obviously a serious fashion aficionado.

But, would you also think that it could get even more amazing by adding a face full of braces and permed hair with Farrah wings?  Only in your wildest dreams could such a scenario ever enter your mind.

I know, I know.  But this was in fact my reality.

And if you were able to envision this Venus de Milo work of art, then possibly you have actually seen what is no doubt the most epic and beautiful 5th grade school picture that has ever been taken in the history of forever.  And possibly seen Angie‘s post this week, inspired by the world’s most dramatic and excellent portrait ever.

Prepare yourself . . . here it is:


I know.  There there.  Dry your tears of embarrassment at your woefully inferior 5th grade school portrait.  Not everyone can be as special as me.  It’s a gift.

**Visit Angie to see the brilliance that this silly school picture inspired.  Her treatment of this (and her brother’s Photoshop skills) are truly amazing.  Stop over and say howdy.

A Trip to Influenza-ville


I got sick last week.  I was expected to return to work on Wednesday, after a long holiday break.  But my body had other plans.  It, instead, decided that I apparently needed to start feeling like death.  So, despite the fact that I was due in court, I called in to work and told them there was no way I would be able to come in.  Because of my impending death, you see.

The problem with my work, though, is they are kind of assholes about sick days.  In order to take a sick day, you must have a documented excuse.  A sick note.  Like I’m in grade school or something.  I figured I would just take a personal day if I had to, but I’d really rather not, since I’m trying to save my days for pending vacations planned for later in the year.  But at 5:00 am, I was not worried about any of that.  I just wanted to crawl back into bed.

Later in the day, probably around 4:00, my hubs mentioned that if I wanted to get a note, I should probably try to get over to the local Urgent Care place soon, to avoid the rush that would most likely occur after work.  I thought that this was an excellent idea . . . so I promptly fell into a 3 hour coma of a nap.  So much for that documentation.

I wasn’t too concerned about it, though.  You see, once I woke up and still felt like hell, I devised a plan.  I realized that I was not going to be able to go to work the next day, either, so I just figured I’d go over to the Urgent Care place the next day and get a note that would be good for both days.  I hoped.


So, after a very restless night of tossing and turning, and the occasional fevered delirium dream (do you guys get those when you’re sick?  SO freaky!), I got out of bed and called to make an appointment at Urgent Care.  Which meant I had to get showered and dressed and be functional enough to get out of the house.  I was set for a 2:00 appointment.  I was hopeful that since it was the middle of the day, I would be home by 4:00 and back in bed.  Oh boy, was I wrong about that!

So, I get there exactly at 2:00, check in, and am told they are running a little behind.  Ok, no problem.  I’ll just sit over here in the corner and die quietly, so as to not disturb the other patients.  After about 45 minute of waiting, I hear the front desk girls talking to each other about how bad it was on New Year’s Eve, and how the wait was upwards of 3 hours.  She was saying that people kept coming up to the desk yelling at her, and how she was all, “I’m just the desk girl!  I have nothing to do with what’s going on back there!”  Hmmmmm.

So, after almost an hour of waiting in the lobby (and not rushing the desk to complain to the front desk girl, I might add) I was finally called back into a room.  Where I perched myself atop a foam padded, thin paper covered bench and tucked in to wait.  Again.  Luckily, though, there was a little TV in the corner that was currently showing the end of one of the Ice Age movies.  So, there was a distraction at least.

About 15 minutes later, a nurse came in to take my blood pressure, which involved multiple attempts (apparently I’m a vampire) of cutting off all circulation to my arm.  She then told me they were going to do a flu test.  Well, isn’t that fancy.  I asked her if that involved taking blood (one of my most favoritest things EVER!), but she assured me that it was just a swab in the nostrils.  Then, she proceeded to shove a SAMURAI SWORD UP BOTH OF MY NOSTRILS.  When I was like, “um, OUCH,” she just calmly said, “oh yeah, we pretty much have to hit your brain for this test.”  Ha ha, very funny lady.  Not quite as funny when it’s your eyeballs getting pierced.

At this point, I have already been at this place for well over an hour, so I ask her how long until the test is ready.  She tells me that she really can’t give me a time, but that the test itself takes 15 minutes.  She then left, assuring me that the doctor would be in to see me “soon.”


At some point during this interminable wait, a manager guy came in to apologize to me for the wait.  He went on to explain that they were so behind because they only had 1 doctor working that day, and that there were still 2-3 people in front of me.  Oh great.  Well, at least you’re sorry.

Finally, finally, an actual doctor came in the room.  Two hours and 45 minutes later, after watching the entirety of Ice Age: The Meltdown, I was finally seeing a medical professional.  (This, after another person came in to apologize again and tell me I was next in line).  The doc proceeded to tell me that the flu test came back positive and that I had Influenza A.  Then, she wrote me a prescription for some Tamiflu.  And asked if I wanted some cough meds as well.  Well, since I have been playing a rousing game of Who Can Hack the Loudest with my neighboring patient in the room behind me for the last 2.5 hours, I’m gonna say a big HELLZ YEAH to that.  Bring on the codeine!

So, when I asked if they could actually fill the prescription, she assured me that they could.  I was relieved that after spending 3 hours there, I wouldn’t have to stop at yet another place before getting home.  But as I went to the front desk, once again getting an apology from the manager, I was told they were actually out of that Rx.  Of course they were.  Because . . . reasons.

They then faxed the prescription to the CVS, so I could pick it up on my way home.  But, not being a complete moron, I called on my way to make sure they had received the Rx, which they had.  Hooray!  It might actually be ready when I get there.  And I might make it home in time to feed my kids dinner.  Speaking of which, I also put in a call to the Pizza Hut across the street from the pharmacy, so I could grab dinner on the way home as well.  And then, because it was 5:30 on a Thursday night, I then got to sit in rush hour traffic.  Fun times.

I get to the pharmacy and wait in the drive-thru lane, which only took about 10 minutes to get up to the window.  Hell, it was the shortest wait all day.  And they have my Rx ready!  Score.  Oh wait . . . but they don’t have my prescription info.  And since my job recently changed, I am now under my hubs’ policy.  But of course, I don’t have a card.  Of course.  Wait!  Can they just pull up my hubs’ info in their system?  He gets stuff from there all the time!  Which they say they can, but it’s gonna take some time to pull it up in the system.  I say that I’ll go grab the pizza across the street and come right back.  The girl tells me I might want to come inside when I come back, in case there are any questions that the manager needs to ask me.  So  . . . pizza, check.  Back to CVS, park and go inside, check.  And then stand in line behind 6 other people.

And when I’m finally called up, I explain that I was there before and was just waiting to get my hubs’ info pulled up in the system.  Which is when she tells me that her manager was trying . . . and then the system went down.  So I would have to wait.  And they didn’t know for how long.

Kill me.  Kill me now.

That was pretty much the end of me.  I had steadfastly held out through the hours of hellish waiting and waiting and waiting.  But when I could finally see the finish line, when they had my meds right there, when I had pizza cooling in the car, and was then told that I had to wait even more, with no idea of how long it would be?  Yeah, I was done.  I started mewling like a little kitten.  And I might have been delirious at this point, but I think I might have actually said, “please, I have the flu, I need to be in bed.  Please.”  To which she responded by apologizing to me.


After waiting again for another half an hour or so, the system was back up, I had my meds, and I was on my way home.  To which I arrived at 7:00.  Where I had departed at 1:30 earlier that day.  Five and a half hours out and about in the world, and out of my bed.  Cruel is what it was.  Cruel.

But now I’ve got my Tamiflu, my cough medicine with codeine, and my warm and comfy bed.  Now, if I could just get rid of this death flu, all would be right with my world.


I Want to Pump . . . You Up!!


My 7 year old son made a New Year’s resolution (or revolution as he prefers to call it).  He wants to be healthier.  I’m sure this has nothing to do with the fact that both of his parents are big fatties and that recently he has gone from being a cute but scrawny little kid, to a bit bigger and meatier kid.  It happened rather suddenly, but all of a sudden, he has a belly.  He is actually a bit chunky.  And he is not pleased.

It’s a little bizarre, honestly, because my son is a very active kid.  He’s definitely no couch potato. He plays sports, runs around all the time, and definitely doesn’t sit around stuffing his face with junk food.  He never drinks soda, very rarely eats candy, and prefers to have fruit for his snacks.  Granted, I probably make more pasta for dinner than is entirely healthy, but there are always veggies and usually a lean meat that goes along with it.  Part of me thinks it’s just genetics catching up with him, but I also think it’s somewhat early for it to have caught him.  He’s not even close to puberty.  That’s when I started getting curves.  Before that I was a scrawny little stick of a girl.  I don’t really understand why he is starting to get thick at the age of 7.

Recently, he asked his dad to start running with him.  So, even though my hubs is not a runner, he is an amazing father, so he has been running about 3 times a week with my son.

For Christmas, he asked Santa for three things . . . a Wii U, sweatpants and weights.  He, of course, got all three . . . and then some.  But last night I watched him use his weights for the first time.  His dad was teaching him some different techniques, including instructing him on how to do a proper push up and sit up.  And even though I was proud of him for recognizing that he needs to try to be healthy, I couldn’t stop thinking about this kid:


. . . and it started to freak me out.  Now, obviously, I would never let him get to this level of craziness.  I mean, this took some massive levels of parental support and/or delusions.  Like Honey Boo Boo levels of derangement, people.  No way that any young boy should ever look like this.  It’s obscene.

So, I’m sitting there, watching my 7 year old son use 2 pound hand weights, hoping that we have not just landed ourselves on top of that proverbial slippery slope, sliding us straight down to that kid up there.

I will not deny that this entire family needs to get healthier.  And while it is not a resolution, I also plan to get off of this massive weight gain merry go round that I have willingly and deliciously thrown myself onto.  My hubs has actually been successfully dieting for a few months now and has lost a good amount of weight.  He took a break to eat regularly for Christmas Eve and Christmas day, and still lost 5 pounds that week!  While I, on the other hand, have taken about a year long break, apparently.  And have gained quite a bit.  And by that, I mean pregnancy levels of weight.  Shameful.  So it is finally time to do something about that.

And apparently my son has decided the same thing.  So, why am I so nervous?  Am I crazy to worry that he is just too young to be worried about weight gain and using weights?  Or is this a normal thing?  Obviously, I will stay vigilant about his progression, and keep up a dialog with him about “healthy” versus “weight loss” and/or “muscle gain.”  But I am definitely concerned.


What are your thoughts?  Should I be worried?  Anyone else ever have to deal with this type of issue with their kids?