Calamity Jane

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Well, it’s finally happened.  I’ve gone and done it good this time.  I’m not sure when or where or even how, but I went and pissed off the wrong person it seems.  Apparently, there is some witch or sorcerer out there that did not take kindly to my own personal brand of bitch snark, and has decided to punish me.  And the way in which the punishment has been doled out is in the form of a curse.  That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, yours truly has been hexed.  Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?

EXHIBIT A:

Basically this entire post!  In case you missed it, let me outline the pertinent points in the post:

  • I make an appointment at Urgent Care, then spend 3 eternal hours waiting to be seen by the one and only doctor working that day.  While I had the flu.
  • I try to have the Urgent Care fill my prescription, only to find that they were out of my medicine.
  • I have to go to CVS, that does have my medicines, but does not have my insurance information, and when I asked if they could pull it up in the system . . . discover that their system went down.
  • After waiting almost another hour for the system to come up, I finally get my meds and go to grab a couple things from the 70% off Xmas aisle on my way out, only to have the registers freeze up.

It was like I had some sort of black cloud hovering over my head that day.  It seemed as if everywhere I went, something went wrong or broke.

EXHIBIT B:

This past Sunday, I was in my living room and heard a crashing sound coming from upstairs.  Fearing it was my youngest son falling out of his bed, I ran upstairs to see if he was ok.  He was just fine, and wondered why his crazy eyed mom was rushing into his room when he was just trying to take a nap.  Overwhelmed by relief that my son was ok, and safe in the knowledge that all the living creatures in my home were unscathed, I didn’t think to investigate as to what the noise might actually have been.  However, later in the day, when I took my laundry basket upstairs to put away clothes, I walked into my closet and saw this:

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See those little holes there in the wall?  Yeah, that’s where that huge long shelf full of hanging clothes used to be.  Here’s a different angle:

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Yep, that suspicious crashing sound was actually the entire right side of my closet collapsing onto the floor.  And, because we just spent a buttload of money on Xmas, we don’t have any extra cash to fix it.  So I took the pile of sweaters that were sitting on top of that shelf (and weighing it down, apparently), threw them in a pile on the floor, and went about my business.  And I will be forced to ignore my tilted closet for a little while.  At least until I am no longer cursed, I guess.

EXHIBIT C:

About a month before Xmas, I got an email from a friend of mine who works for Zappos.  In that email, there was a 20% off coupon.  So, I decided that would be an ideal time to try to get some new shoes for court.  And the great thing about Zappos is you can order whatever you want, and then return whatever doesn’t work without having to pay shipping.  So, with that in mind, I ordered 4 pairs of shoes, figuring that at least one or two would work . . . and ended up with one great pair.  They are cute, they are sensible, they are comfortable (so key!) . . . and then part of the heel broke off after 2 days.  Crap.

But, because it’s Zappos and they are awesome, I called and asked if they could send a replacement pair, which they did right away.  But then the holidays came, and I wasn’t in court many more times, so the replacements were only worn about 3 times before Xmas and the death flu hit.  This past Tuesday was my first day back to work in weeks, and I wore my replacement shoes to court.  However, by the end of the day, I realized there was something wrong.  I was clicking as I walked.

So, I looked at the bottom of my heel, and this is what I saw:

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See that shiny screw head at the bottom of the heel?  Yeah, it used to be covered by a thick piece of grooved rubber, so that as I walk, I don’t slip and murder myself.   Luckily, the shoes lasted until almost the end of the day, which meant that I merely had to make it from my office to the parking garage without dying . . . which I did.  Phew! 

Might have to try a little harder, witchy woman!  I’m still kicking.  (Just not in those shoes).

So, as you can see from the above evidence, there is obviously some sort of bad juju upon me that is causing all of these calamities to occur.  To whomever I happened to offend, I say to you a heartfelt, “I’m sorry.”

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

We good?  All’s forgiven?  We’re pals again, yes?  Good.  Now, can you please uncursify me at your earliest convenience, my friend.  Because this shit is getting really tiring.

The defense really needs to rest.

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36 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Go Jules Go
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 09:16:56

    Ha! Every post you ever write has so many ‘quotable’ lines (I loved “This defense really needs to rest”)!

    Are you feeling better, health-wise?? The closet thing, oh, gawd, I might have cried.

    The rubber shoe thing happens to me ALL THE TIME. Right now, in fact! And I’m just taking my chances because I’m too lazy to get them fixed.

    I’m not sure how you lift a curse without involving the hexer, but I think looking at pictures of Adam Levine is a good start. I saw you were at Darla’s blog already today, so, well done.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 22, 2013 @ 13:01:24

      I’m sorry, Jules. I know ours is a love everlasting, so I feel that I can confess to you that . . . Adam Levine does nothing for me. He is just too scrawny and tattooed and hipstery. Just not my thing. But that means I’m leaving him all for you!! So . . . you still love me, right? 🙂

      The closet is killing me. I think I keep expecting closet fairies to go in there and magically fix it, but everyday I walk in and it’s still stubbornly collapsed onto the floor. Grrrrr.

      Reply

  2. shelly
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 09:34:39

    That happened in my closet too!! Sounded like something big banged into the house. Luckily for himself,the husband did not make any comments… Giggle!

    Reply

  3. renée a. schuls-jacobson
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 09:41:37

    Holy closet trauma. I don’t see how you can let that go, but that’s my OCD screaming. I can’t have crooked shit in my house. Because I hear it yelling at me all nasty and in a hissy, sloppy voice. I would be in that closet jacking that shit up, rigging it so it is level and nice and good and even. You know, to quiet the voices. I hope you are better and that you come into some money fast. Because you HAVE to fix that shelf. For me. 😉

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 22, 2013 @ 13:06:38

      It’s still like that Renee. Every day. Right there. Taunting me like a drunk uncle.

      Want to start a fund for the Misty’s Closet Rehabilitation? 😉

      Reply

  4. thoughtsappear
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 09:49:32

    You’ve had quite the week! Hopefully you’re done!

    Reply

  5. Leauxra
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 10:49:02

    Maybe the universe is trying to tell you that:

    1) Clothes should always be stored in a pile on the floor.
    2) High heels suck ass.
    3) You should stay home from work more.

    Oh, and 4) Not get sick.

    Umm… Yeah. That’ll totally work. 🙂

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 22, 2013 @ 13:08:25

      The universe is wise, indeed. From henceforth I will be at home, in sweatpants and socks, laying amongst piles of clothes on the floor, completely well and healthy. What? The universe said so!!

      Reply

  6. rachelocal
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 10:49:19

    Sending good vibes your way, Misty!!

    And I really hope your closet gets fixed soon. Or that your clothes get lighter.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 22, 2013 @ 13:09:14

      I fear that before getting the closet fixed, I may need to go through all my shit and (gasp!) actually get rid of a good amount of clothing before hanging it all back up. Hold me?

      Reply

  7. Jaclyn
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 10:52:35

    CVS is dead to me. I have never been into a CVS and gotten out in less than 25 minutes. There were a few times where I was like “oh, there’s only one person on line, even if I wait 10 minutes, that’s not so bad for CVS” and then I wait a half hour because CVS is the fucking devil. It got to a point where I would drive 10 minutes out of my way to go to Rite Aid as opposed to the CVS that was 2 minutes away, because I knew I could get home from Rite Aid 20 minutes faster.

    In conclusion, I’m pretty sure CVS put the curse on you.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 22, 2013 @ 13:10:55

      DAMN YOU CVS! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!

      See, problem is, it’s the closest to my house and the only one with a drive-thru. And after waiting an eternity at the doc’s, I didn’t want to have to get out of my car, so I had it sent there. Which in retrospect was obviously a mistake. I see that now. My bad.

      Reply

  8. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 11:45:10

    I hope next week evens everything out and you have one awesome thing happen after another!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 22, 2013 @ 13:11:57

      Well, that wasn’t EXACTLY how it happened, but there were some good things of note. I’m not gonna say, cuz I don’t wanna tempt the fates. Those damn fates are always looking for a reason to make me rue the day.

      Reply

  9. mark
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 11:49:11

    Here’s where I fail to be funny making an obscure reference to the movie “Away We Go” and a tilted uterus, and your fantastically tilted closet.

    I’d start by figuring out who has access to your hair, because based purely on what I’ve learned from the movies (which is everything), the person putting a hex on you needs some of your hair – very likely torn from your scalp in an obvious, yet unsuspecting way.

    Reply

  10. the cotton floozy
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 12:17:32

    So if I comment on this post, will the curse transfer to me? How communicable are curses? Why don’t you go and rub your whole body against one of your enemies and see if the curse will attach to a new host, because I am hoping that things will get better for you!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 22, 2013 @ 13:13:45

      It seems for the moment (knock knock) that the curse may have moved on. How was your week? Any tragedies? If so, I am so sorry for passing this damn curse onto you.

      Reply

  11. The Byronic Man
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 12:18:57

    I have put in reinforcements in my wife’s closet that should works as supports for a bridge. It’s not attractive, but the rack has stopped falling…

    Zappos is pretty great, isn’t it?

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 22, 2013 @ 13:14:54

      I freaking love zappos. If I ever relocate to Vegas (which will never happen with a hubs with a gambling addiction) I will work there so fast!

      I’m glad that you have reinforced your wife’s rack. Wait . . . what?

      Reply

  12. TheOtherLisa
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 16:07:08

    I would totally come fix your closet. I got a screw gun for Christmas.

    Reply

  13. Kitten Thunder's Girl
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 16:53:29

    I had the same thing in my closet, kind of. Horrible to see your clothes on the floor!

    Target sells those heel things. They screw right in, I guess. If I carried a purse, and wore skinny heels, I would have those in there for sure!

    Reply

  14. bluzdude
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 18:09:59

    OK, no more lunches until you’re back in good graces. I don’t want your curse to rub off on me.

    Then again, maybe I’m where you got your curse from in the first place. My closet rod collapsed two months ago. (Luckily, I just had to go, “Hey Landlord, can you please fix this?”)

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 22, 2013 @ 13:16:49

      Yeah, the problem with home ownership is there is no one to call. And we have no cash.

      So it was you? The whole time? In the library? With the candlestick? Oh, wait . . .

      Reply

  15. The Real Dave
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 18:27:38

    I’ll just go about the rest of the day throwing salt over both shoulders. Or I’ll light a candle and chant your name in a mirror. Or maybe I’ll sacrifice a few chickens and swing them about my head in your name. And then fry them after rolling them in crushed Honey Nut Cheerios (my wife did this once – delicious!) Yep. That’s what I think I’ll do.

    Reply

  16. Jennifer June Clark
    Jan 12, 2013 @ 19:57:14

    Always, I mean, ALWAYS, investigate strange crashing sound until the cause is discovered! That way you don’t have a goddamn heart attack later when you find out what it was. Do not ask me how I know this.

    I’d recommend lighting a candle and offering up forgiveness to the Universe. Then ask for a break. Promise to a more loving person. Remember the Threefold Law: that which do comes back to you threefold!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 22, 2013 @ 13:18:53

      I can only imagine. You have 2 young kids. I’d like to hear that story sometime.

      And yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking. I ALWAYS investigate loud noises. But everyone around me was fine, so I wasn’t overly concerned. And heart attack I did indeed have later that night.

      Reply

  17. Valentine Logar
    Jan 13, 2013 @ 09:43:24

    Sending you good karma, lots of it to counter act the evil curse. Hope you are feeling better.

    Reply

  18. Vesta Vayne
    Jan 14, 2013 @ 10:33:35

    Here’s the good news – I’m pretty sure you got all the bad juju out of the way in one week. The rest of your year will be fabulous!!

    Reply

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