When Viruses Attack

It came out of nowhere.

There I was, innocently checking blogs on my work computer when suddenly . . . BLAM.  White screen.

What the . . . ?

My screen was completely blank and frozen.  I couldn’t Esc my way out of it, couldn’t get to my desktop or taskbar, and had no idea what was happening.

And then, after a couple minutes of fruitlessly attempting to do something on my computer, my screen was filled with what appeared to be a legal document.  A notice of some sort.  From the FBI.

Ruh Roh, Raggy!!

Picture 7617-001

As I began to peruse the document, which outlined certain violations of articles and subsections thereto, my heart began to beat faster and a cold sweat broke out on my brow.

They know.  Oh god, they know.  How could they?  I didn’t think my work computer was monitored by the feds.  How did this happen?  But somehow, they found out.  They know about . . . gulp . . . the blogging.

Your PC is blocked due at least one of the reasons specified below.

Violating Copyright or Related Rights Law.  Illegally using or distributing copyrighted content.  Yep, I am so guilty of that!  That one blog post I did where I used the perfect meme, from which I did not know the source.  Oh yes, I admit it.  That was me.  And then there was that video of Tesla’s Love Song I copied from YouTube and then sent to my friend via Facebook.  Oh man, I’m a repeat offender.  This is not good.  They’ve totally got me on this one!

Viewing or distributing prohibited pornographic content (child porn/zoophilia, etc.) . . . The what now?  I mean . . . oh no!  I can’t believe they know about my predilection for downloading pictures of baby animals having sex.  Oh the shame, the humiliation!

Violating the law on neglectful use of personal computer.  Huh, well . . . you’ve kinda stumped me on this one.  Because someone might have accessed my computer without my knowledge, thus enabling malware, I am responsible?  Also, this isn’t a personal computer, it’s a work computer.  Well, maybe this one just doesn’t apply to me.  Huh.

Well, I guess it’s time to face the music.  Now, I suppose I need to know what the repercussions are of my obviously illegal (and let’s face it, sinful) actions?

10 to 29 years of possible incarceration for all of those violations?  And a picture of hands in cuffs right there on the screen?  Wow, this must be serious.  But I’m too pretty to go to jail!  And prison orange is just not my color.  I might be able to get away with more of a navy or black if that’s an option . . . wait!  No, I will not be going to prison over this!  Isn’t there something I can do to make up for my transgressions and avoid jail time?

This law infringement (if not repeated – first time) may be considered as conditional in case you pay the fine to the State.  Wait, what’s this now? A fine, you say?  I can pay a fine and make this all go away?

Fines may only be paid within 72 hours after the infringement.  As soon as 72 hours elapse, the ability to pay the fine expires, and a criminal case is initiated against you.  Phew!  You mean no charges have been filed yet?  What a relief!  Well, I’ll just pay the fine then.  I mean, I just got this notice, so I’m sure it’s within 72 hours of my infringement.  But, how . . . where . . . when . . . how much?  I need details!  If only there was a helpful step by step explanation of how I can pay this fine and how much it will be.

Picture 7618

Oh, look here at the bottom of the page.  Helpful tips on how I can make this whole thing go away, and also have the FBI relinquish its hold on my computer.  Hooray!

To unblock the computer, you must pay the fine through MoneyPak of $200.  $200??  Whoa, that’s kinda steep.  I mean, I don’t just have $200 lying around to pay government agencies that tap into my computer and threaten me with legal action!  Who am I, Bernie Madoff?

But then again . . . being prosecuted for copyright infringement/pornography would probably jeopardize my employment status.  I imagine my boss would not be very happy with me once he finds out what I’ve been doing on my office computer.  I mean, blogging at work?  That may even be a terminable offense!  And then, no more paychecks for me.  Plus, I would definitely need to hire a lawyer specializing in this field, as I really don’t practice in cyber law or copyright infringement.  And you know what they say about lawyers representing themselves, right?  And I ain’t no fool.  No sir, not me.

So really, it would be cheaper to just pay the fine.  I mean, as long as I pay them quickly, it shouldn’t take that long for them to unlock the computer, right?  And maybe then no one will ever know about . . . about . . . the blogging.

When you pay the fine, your PC will get unlocked in 1 to 48 hours after the money is put into the State’s account.  Well, there you go!  As soon as I pay the money, they will go ahead and unlock my computer.  I mean, at most it will take them 48 hours, but still.  I’ll get my computer back, and no harm no foul.

Then again . . . what is this “State” they keep referring to?  I mean, isn’t this the Federal Government?  Which State are they talking about?  And what is this part where they say a service fee of $4,95 will apply Why the comma after the 4?  Is that just a typo?  And speaking of typos . . . what’s with the poorly written text of this letter?  I mean, if I didn’t know better, I would think it was crafted by someone who’s primary language was not English.

But then again, there is that little warning there on the side about fraud.  I mean, how ironic would it be if this was a fraudulent letter warning me of fraud?  That just makes my head spin too much for it to be true!

Oh, but this must be legit.  There.  Right there at the bottom.

FBI.gov is an official site of the U.S. Federal Government, U.S. Department of Justice.  Really, along with the very official looking seal up at the top of the page and all of the articles and subsections quoted in the text, this must be the real thing.  Right?

Now, where did I put my credit card?  I need to go to one of the listed establishments and find me a MoneyPak to load some cash onto, then send it off to these very helpful Federal Agents.  Then I will just sit back and wait for my computer to be unlocked.  What could go wrong?

And hey . . . let’s keep that little thing about the animals and watching their intimate relations just between us, mkay?  Cool, thanks.  I knew you’d understand.  I mean, what with the things I’m sure you’ve download . . . yeah, I know all about it.  I read your blogs, remember?  And I’m pretty sure you don’t have any room to judge me, my friend.  Don’t make me call the feds.  I know how to contact them now, remember?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  Shhhhhh!

————————————————————————————————————————–

Have you ever been violated accused in such a horrible manner?  What was your virus like? 

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33 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. aliceatwonderland
    Jan 28, 2013 @ 10:31:21

    Haha! I have a filtered work computer that seems to filter blogs in a totally random manner. I can’t figure it out. Usually it’s something about the dread “s” word but half the time the blog in question will have nothing to do with that but one that does will not be blocked. Of course this is real filtering versus this crafty FBI one! I was dumb enough once to click on a “there is a virus on your computer, get rid of it” because they actually did a pretty good job of imitating my virus software. It was still stupid and took forever to get the gross stuff off of my computer. I bet there was baby animal “s” on there. Oy.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 07, 2013 @ 10:24:03

      Baby animals getting it on will get you every time! My computer used to do that random blocking stuff, but now I get everything except sexually explicit stuff (not that I would know anything about THAT).

      Reply

  2. Transformed nonconformist (Brett Minor)
    Jan 28, 2013 @ 10:37:42

    I never trust any virus warning that were not put up by my antivirus software. Plus, I figure if the FBI didn’t grab me after downloading enough movies and music files to rival the Library of Congress, then they must not be interested in me.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 07, 2013 @ 10:25:42

      Seriously. I should have been hunted down and prosecuted within an inch of my life during that whole Napster period. Most of the music I own was from there. And I had DIAL UP at that time, so we are talking constant downloading dedication here. I mean, allegedly!

      Reply

  3. Leauxra
    Jan 28, 2013 @ 10:46:49

    Good golly! I’m sure glad there was an easy out and you didn’t have to go to jail!

    Apparently, the more transparently obvious the scam is, the more successful it is. Why do you think that Nigerian Prince is still in business?

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 07, 2013 @ 10:27:03

      Yeah, except I PAID them their $200 and my computer is STILL blocked! It’s almost like it wasn’t a legitimate notice or something!

      My boss said he knew people who actually did it. I can’t imagine people falling for it, but then again, there are a lot of porn surfing idiots out there.

      Reply

  4. freshveggies/gingerleaphoto
    Jan 28, 2013 @ 11:18:26

    I got this one a couple of weeks ago on my work computer. It actually made me laugh out loud. I work for the government. We are not that organized. And, there is no way it would be that simple to pay your way out of our bureaucratic, computer Bermuda triangle. No way. It did suck that it took THREE DAYS to get the use of my computer back from the IT guys, though. Errrggh. Glad to see you didn’t have to go to jail.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 07, 2013 @ 10:28:50

      Yeah, I know a little about how the Federal gov’t works, and paying a fine is not a valid option. Not that I didn’t realize it was a scam from go, but there were just so many things like that where I was like, “oh yeah, suuurrrreeeee.”

      My IT guy was able to fix it the next morning, easy. But then my secretary got the same virus a few days later and was without her computer for days. I was super lucky I guess!

      Reply

  5. wcdameron
    Jan 28, 2013 @ 11:31:47

    I just get creepy e-mails from women who want me to do things to them. Clearly, they have not read my blog…..

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 07, 2013 @ 10:31:12

      Ha! This comment made me laugh so much. Or maybe they DO read your blog and are trying to convert you. Like Jehovah’s Witnesses. Cast out the evils of gaydom! 😉

      Reply

  6. Jen
    Jan 28, 2013 @ 12:38:05

    That is majestic. I am so proud that the Tesla video is what finally put the feds on your trail because it made my goddamn day. 🙂

    Reply

  7. Go Jules Go
    Jan 28, 2013 @ 14:21:16

    Ooooooh. Ooooooh. You know, imagine if these criminals channeled this passion and creativity into something legal. Like a blog.

    Reply

  8. winopants
    Jan 28, 2013 @ 14:52:08

    Wow. I love how it says several times how legit it is. Always means that it is, right?
    I know in many other countries when numbers are written out a comma is used where a period would be, and vice versa. So, nice try guys!!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 07, 2013 @ 10:32:48

      Me thinks they doth protest too much!

      And yeah, that was one of the major red flags . . . besides the whole “give us money to get out of trouble with the feds, um I mean State, thing.”

      Reply

  9. TheOtherLisa
    Jan 28, 2013 @ 16:03:28

    Well just shame on you and your infringing of copyrighted baby animal pornography.

    Reply

  10. She's a Maineiac
    Jan 28, 2013 @ 18:04:26

    God, I feel so bad for the poor sucker that falls for this.

    It wasn’t me, I swear.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 07, 2013 @ 10:37:50

      Hmmm, now that I think about it, the tone of this letter did seem to have a very Northeastern accent to it. Are you SURE you don’t know anything about this, Darla? Hmmmm?

      Reply

  11. Valerie
    Jan 28, 2013 @ 20:07:38

    Once, at my last job, my computer caught a virus. Not just any virus… A porno virus! And I swear I was not looking up the porn at work!! Not that time anyway… It was wicked embarrassing tho. Every couple of minutes, porn would just pop up… And it wouldn’t go away. They had to send my computer away to be fixed.

    Stupid hackers…

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 07, 2013 @ 10:40:10

      That happened one time at a work computer in the courthouse. I arrived one morning, had some clients at my desk, went to pull something up, and it must have exploded with porn overnight, because there were all these pop ups on there! It was pretty funny, but I was like, “Oh! Um, sorry?” I shut it down pretty quickly and moved to a different desk, but yeah, not so professional that.

      Val . . . no porn at work. We’ve talked about this. Save it for home!

      Reply

  12. jccsst1022
    Jan 28, 2013 @ 21:46:41

    I know some people who would fall for it. Myself, I don’t trust anything that just pops up. There is a girl at work always getting virus’ because she’s constantly clicking on the stupidest things in her email. At least this one does “looks” pretty legit.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 07, 2013 @ 10:41:02

      Yeah, whoever crafted this worked pretty hard on it. It’s not just slapped together like most. I mean, besides the obvious mistakes, it could seem legit to someone who doesn’t know any better.

      Reply

  13. tazer warrior princess
    Jan 29, 2013 @ 02:31:33

    Well, no FBI stalking, thank you MacJesus, but I keep getting weird spam emails from someone claiming to be a lawyer for a torte against FaceBook….

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 07, 2013 @ 10:41:54

      I’ve gotten that one as well. I usually just ignore that kind of stuff anyway, real or not. Class actions are usually not that lucrative. I might lose $1.23. Oh no!

      Reply

  14. pegoleg
    Jan 29, 2013 @ 11:31:29

    Thank GOODness they provided that way to make everything right with the world. Did you send the $200 to the FBI’s account in Nigeria? I know I would.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 07, 2013 @ 10:43:07

      Yes. I sent it directly to my friend Prince Abib. I figured he would know the proper authorities to forward it to. Strangely though, my computer is still blocked! Nigerian governments must be very slow to process payments.

      Reply

  15. JM Randolph
    Jan 29, 2013 @ 18:53:09

    I especially like the free advertising they’re giving Kmart and the like. I’m so pissed I missed the Tesla video.

    Reply

  16. cestlavie22
    Jan 29, 2013 @ 22:40:17

    I would have freaked out if that virus happened to me at work! I think my blogging on the sly would be discovered! I really havent had much experience with virus as I do most of my work on a mac so not much dealt with there, the last virus I had was an email virus which just sent spam to everyone in my contacts…nothing exciting like this one you shared.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Feb 07, 2013 @ 10:45:38

      I’ve had that email one happen to me on many occasions. That one really pisses me off, because it’s usually for some male enhancement drug or something. Most people have gotten wise to random emails with just links in them, though, and know they are spam.

      Reply

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