One rogue onion was my undoing.
A rotten onion that rebelled at the bottom of a bowl full of its otherwise healthy friends, this black sheep traitor decided to be a beacon to every fruit fly in the immediate area, and possibly the entire state of Maryland.
When scrubbing down my kitchen counters last week, I discovered this putrid veggie, and when I removed it from the bowl, a cloud of black swarming bugs was released on my unwitting kitchen. Fruit flies dispersed throughout the room, landing on my fruit bowl, in the trashcan and over by the garbage disposal. Once they were all spread out, it wasn’t as obvious that they were even there. But that was their devious plan. To make you think they were just a few little bugs just hanging out not hurting anybody. But they were plotting. And worse than that, they were fucking. It was a fruit fly orgy going on in my kitchen, and just a few dispersed flies became A BAJILLIONTY MILLIONTY FLIES. Within a few days, they were every-fucking-where.
After a few days of their multiplying and generally annoying the bejeesus out of me, I figured that I would have to call in the professionals. A call placed to Terminix revealed that the first appointment they had available was a full week and a half away. Apparently, summer is a big time for bugs. Who knew?
Knowing that I would not be able to withstand the onslaught for that long, I looked into some alternate solutions while I was waiting for the bug men to come to my rescue. A friend suggested a home remedy that consisted of Cider Vinegar and dishsoap, which was presumably supposed to attract the little buggers and then drown them. It worked . . .
. . . at first. But, just as I began to fall into a soft blanket of false hope, it appeared that they regrouped and came back even stronger! Even with THREE bowls in the kitchen, you still couldn’t open the trashcan lid without getting a face full of swarming black menace. My kids refused to throw anything away. I had to reexamine my options, so back to consult the great and powerful Oz of information I went . . . Mr. Google.
Based on a comment on one website about homemade fruit fly traps, I decided to get proactive. I got out the vacuum cleaner. Now, usually when my family sees me with the vacuum cleaner, they can only assume that we are having guests for our twice yearly social gatherings. But this time, I planted that sucker in the kitchen, set up the long pole-like attachment thingy, and basically just started sucking those things right out of the air and into their deaths.
I may have looked like a crazy woman, waving a wand of suckage around the kitchen, banging on the trashcan lid to release my enemies, and jabbing and poking at counters and bowls. But rather than insane, I like to think of myself as more of a warrior. And with my trusty weapon, I was eradicating this invasion of pests that were plaguing my home. I would not be bested by a beast the size of half a grain of uncooked rice! I was bigger, I was stronger, and I had modern technology on my side. Sure, I was outnumbered. But that would not deter me. I would prevail. Victory would be mine!
And if not, I still have my appointment with Terminix on Saturday.