Our Milkshake Brings All the Freaks to the Yard

I have lived and worked in and around Baltimore my entire life.  Except for a brief stint in the farmlands of Pennsylvania for college, where I missed city life horribly, I have never lived anywhere else.  It is my home.  And I love it.

And while my undying love for my home city is true, that has never seemed to be the case for outsiders looking in.  The city has always had the reputation of being a lesser city somehow.  It’s neighbor to the south, Washington DC is more of a real city, while B-more has long suffered an also ran status.  Paling in size and popularity to other Northeastern cities . . . New York, Boston, Philadelphia . . . Baltimore has always quietly existed, content in its own skin.  Not looking for fame or recognition from any of its Northern brethren.

But lately, it seems, our little town has experienced a surge in popularity.  Three years ago, we became the home to the Baltimore Grand Prix.  A car race that is televised and occurs on Labor Day weekend, closing half the streets of downtown for famous racecar drivers to zoom around.  Although, definitely not popular with many of the workers attempting to enter and then leave the city, since a large part of the area of ingress and egress is completely closed off many days before the race.  However, it is a boon for Baltimore, as it brings in much money from tourism, so commuters be damned.

Also, it was reported recently that this summer there has been a spike in visits and funds spent in this city, as the hospitality industry in my fair town is apparently seeing a spike as well.

This could have something to do with the multiple very popular conventions that were scheduled this summer in the downtown convention center.  I have previously mentioned the Brony convention, which was a first for the city this year, and brought a ton of Bronies to the downtown area, surely boosting sales to many local hotels and restaurants.

And of course we have Otakon.  That convention has shown up in our city for many years, and brings with it oh so many fans of all things Asian culture and video games, who have the tendency to dress in costumes ranging from Pokemon & Sonic to the most garishly crazy video game demons imaginable, and everything in between.  It is one of the wackiest and most anticipated weekends of the year (at least for those who appreciate ridiculousness personified walking out in public).


Just a little sampling of all the craziness I was able to capture on my way into and out of the city.

So, after the Bronies and the Otakons, you would think I’d be prepared for anything, right?  Well, I thought all the conventions were gone and there would be no more freaks to be seen until next summer.  Apparently, I was wrong.

Leaving work this past Tuesday, I stopped at a light near the convention center.  What I saw on the corner was what looked very much like a stripper.  And before you think I’m calling some poor innocent girl who is just dressed a bit skimpily a stripper, let me paint you a picture:  Pink cowboy hat, long flowing blond hair, long fingerless gloves, pink bra, pink underwear with a short black mesh skirt over top, cowboy boots.  Right?  Here, you judge for yourself:

Picture 10571

Not your NORMAL Tuesday afternoon attire, no?

Now, this is not the type of corner you would usually see something like this.  This is downtown.  Next to the business district.  On a Tuesday.  With no conventions in town.  It was a little unexpected.  So, when the light changed, and I started driving closer, on my way to passing by, I tried to get a closer look, while also taking another picture.  But driving and picture taking are not really the most companionable tasks, so unfortunately, I only got a leg.

Picture 10572

Yeah, I know. It’s bad.

But if you look closely at that picture, you might notice something.  Those are neither panties nor bikini bottoms.  They are in fact . . . jockeys.  That’s right, this sexy stripper was actually a transvestite stripper.  Which became blatantly obvious as I got closer and he turned around, giving me a full view of his very hairy chest and 2 day stubbly facial growth.  Yikes!  Not what I was expecting.  Sorry that I couldn’t get a better picture, because, well, you kind of had to see it.  This guy was obviously very lost.  He was on Baltimore street, but a full 5 or 6 blocks west of the area he was probably looking for . . . Baltimore’s red light district, also known as “the block.”

Apparently, there is no end to the things I get to see while working downtown.  I’m not sure I can take much more, though.  I’m starting to feel a little violated, frankly.  At this point, pretty much the only thing I haven’t experienced yet is a Furrie convention.

Then again, there’s always next year.


32 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. thoughtsappear
    Aug 16, 2013 @ 10:33:17

    At least Bmore is entertaining.


  2. donofalltrades
    Aug 16, 2013 @ 10:45:09

    Yowsers! City life is entertaining to say the least. That’s part of its charm to me though. Baltimore sounds a lot like STL. We sort of know that we’re not New York or Chicago or LA, but we don’t want to hear that from outsiders as it offends us! STL is very quirky, but I’ve never seen my pretty pony people frolicking about, so there’s that…


  3. Vesta Vayne
    Aug 16, 2013 @ 11:11:26

    Hee! Before I got to the last bit about she being a he, I looked at the undies and thought, huh, that seems like an odd choice to wear under a see through skirt.

    ANd now I know why:)


  4. The Cutter
    Aug 16, 2013 @ 12:19:12

    Becoming more and more glad I did not actually go to Brony Con.


  5. Hippie Cahier
    Aug 16, 2013 @ 12:26:08

    There’s an old Dar Williams song about urban identity crisis called, “Southern California Wants to be Western New York.”

    One of the verses is . . . .
    Tempe, Arizona thinks the Everglades
    Are greener and wetter
    And Washington D.C. thinks
    That Atlanta integrated better

    Lately Baltimore seems to want to be a little bit Vegas, a little bit DC, a little bit Greenwich Village, but Baltimore is at its very best when it’s Bawlmer.



  6. Nagzilla
    Aug 16, 2013 @ 12:29:19

    See, now I’m the opposite- my daughter would be ALL OVER coming to B-more for both Otakucon AND Brony Con. And your transvestite reminds me of the old Austin, TX standby, Leslie. He was the homeless transvestite that usually wore bikinis and tutus in downtown Austin. He even ran for mayor one year. He died a couple of years ago, and everyone was sad.

    If you keep it up, maybe your town can steal Austin motto. Your new city slogan can be “Keep Baltimore Weird”


  7. Nagzilla
    Aug 16, 2013 @ 12:32:21

    Just was taking a closer look at your Otaku pics and realized that the second pic down on the left is a group of Black Butler cosplayers. Mei Rin, Ciel, and Grell. Nice.

    And you’re probably super scared that I even know that. Frankly, I’m a little scared that I know that.


  8. Brown Road Chronicles
    Aug 16, 2013 @ 12:48:10

    At least you don’t have Detroit… we have Detroit. Which, by the way, is in the early stages of a resurgence. Once you hit bottom you can only go up, right? Fast forward ten years, will be the coolest city around… maybe!


    • Hippie Cahier
      Aug 16, 2013 @ 15:07:33

      Are they still considering building the theme park where you get chased around empty industrial buildings by zombies? From a practical standpoint, I imagine the liability insurance alone would be a problem, but I still think it’s a cool idea.


    • mistyslaws
      Aug 23, 2013 @ 14:39:06

      I believe the hipsters are already planning to flock out there. That way they can REALLY say that they knew about it before it was cool! 😉


  9. bluzdude
    Aug 16, 2013 @ 14:15:40

    I didn’t see anything good from BronyCon, just skinny teenboys in black tees, but Otakon more than made up for it. I just don’t have your Ninja-Snap skillz.


  10. Jess Witkins
    Aug 16, 2013 @ 18:01:33

    Oh.my.stars. Why did I miss that?! Why couldn’t he have been there when I was in town?!!! WHY?!!!

    That’s brilliant. I’m jealous of anyone with better legs than me.


    • mistyslaws
      Aug 23, 2013 @ 14:42:45

      Well, you DID get to see the Bronies. Don’t be so greedy, Jess!! :p

      And that would be anyone else but me, the better legs thing. His were hairy, though.


  11. thesinglecell
    Aug 16, 2013 @ 18:50:20

    Here I thought you were going to say this turned out to be a partner at your law firm…


    • mistyslaws
      Aug 23, 2013 @ 14:43:44

      Ha! How funny would THAT have been? I’m sure I have some colleagues with some hidden issues, but I hope not to see them on any street corners any time soon!


  12. Kitten Thunder's Girl
    Aug 18, 2013 @ 23:59:15

    If I ever moved east, Baltimore has always been top on my places to look. For the best reason ever: Scarecrow and Mrs. King.


  13. joeinvegas
    Aug 20, 2013 @ 14:51:13

    All of those things would be ignored in Vegas.


  14. Andrea
    Sep 01, 2013 @ 22:05:28

    Awww, Baltimore. Always trying to make your mark. TV strippers were so 1994, didn’t you know?

    Yeah, I don’t know what that means. I’m from rural Pennsylvania.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: