And the Award for Best Wife goes to . . .


That’s right, all of you other wives out there can just go ahead and stop trying.  No need to exhaust yourselves for no reason, because I’ve got this thing all tied up.  It’s in the bag.  The trophy is en route to my house right now.  It is a fait accompli.

Basically, the wife who buys their husband a brand new car as an anniversary present pretty much takes the cake, n’est pas?

That’s right.  You heard me . . . 

Brand.  New.  Car.

And the best part is that it was a complete surprise as he pulled into the driveway upon his return from a business trip to Brazil.  That is when he saw the pretty new shiny gift, topped with a big red bow, sitting in the driveway.

“Am I at the right house?”

“I think I may be in shock.”

“I’m speechless.”

Just some of the phrases spoken by my husband that will be reviewed by the committee when they are judging this year’s Best Wife competition.  But like I said, it’s pretty much a done deal, so don’t strain yourselves trying to eek close to my level of awesomeness.  It’s a gift, really.  A gift, just like the fabulous new car that I gave my husband!  Booya.

Now, I’m sure some of you might be thinking that the extravagance of the gift might disqualify me from the competition, but au contraire, mes amies!  See, it is not an extravagant gift . . . it is an appropriate and thoughtful gift.  Extra points, bitches!!  You see, we just paid off our last car payment this past May, and those payments were tres expensive!  So now, there is a little extra in the monthly budget to play with.  Additionally, he is driving a 1996 Jeep Wrangler that is literally falling apart around him.  The radio does not work, there are huge holes in the floor, there is no backseat, the heat/air is broken . . . it is basically one big piece of crap whose days are numbered.  So, the purchase of the new car was not only affordable (the monthly payment will be half of the previous one), but necessary from a safety perspective.  I am kind, considerate and generous . . . all high scores in the Wifely Olympics. 

World’s.  BEST.  Wife.

I thought last year I might have had a fighting chance, what with the purchase of season tickets to this year’s Orioles games, but I didn’t quite make it into the running.  Granted, it was a very nice gift, and I spent a good chunk of cash on it, but it didn’t quite reach up to the level of best wife status.

But this year . . . oh ho, there is no stopping me this year!  Barring a wife who selflessly donates her last kidney so that her husband may survive, while she makes the ultimate sacrifice of giving her life for her man (damn you 2010!!), I’m pretty sure that I will be the ultimate victor in this year’s quest for supremacy. 

I know many of you will be disappointed.  Just as I was in the past when I came just this close to making it.  But, think of it this way . . . now you can stop trying so hard!  Go take a nap, you deserve it.  No more super-human efforts to organize and schlep the kids to multiple sporting events each day while your husband sits home watching TV or YouTube videos.  No more working all day at your thankless job, just to come home to fix a gourmet dinner for your family, and then do laundry and go scrub the toilets.  No need to keep being nice to his mother.  No.  More.  Blow Jobs.

Yeah, you’re welcome.

The winning entry!

The winning entry!



59 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Hippie Cahier
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 08:33:35

    So, about those Orioles’ tickets: will you marry me?


  2. thoughtsappear
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 08:58:57

    “Additionally, he is driving a 1996 Jeep Wrangler”—Dibs!!!—“that is literally falling apart around him.” Nevermind….


    • mistyslaws
      Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:06:51

      You could totally have it . . . except it’s not safe for a baby. Or a human. Or even a canine, probably. Yeah, I’m thinking you should just keep your Honda.


  3. donofalltrades
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 09:05:45

    You bought a Wrangler man a 4 door sedan? pffffft!!! It’s a thoughtful effort for sure, but you could have done better, Misty. And the Orioles? I don’t recall seeing them in the playoffs this season, but I’m sure it was also a thoughtful gift on your part. Maybe don’t lose the blow jobs from your repertoire just yet?


  4. Don't Quote Lily
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 09:16:15

    Nice!!! Go you! Literally laughed out loud at: “No. More. Blow Jobs.” You’re too much. 😆


  5. Go Jules Go
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 10:00:16

    Is it wrong that I would have been more excited about the giant bow?

    But in terms of your new title… about the next to last line… that car is awfully roomy (and toasty warm, I bet, with a properly working heating and cooling system)… seems a shame to let that go to waste.


    • Jennie Saia
      Oct 23, 2013 @ 10:54:44

      Yeah! Think of the places that bow could go! (Hello, inner Dr. Seuss.)


    • The Cutter
      Oct 23, 2013 @ 13:31:55

      No, the bow is the most impressive part of the gift. Where the hell do you find a bow that size?


    • mistyslaws
      Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:12:44

      The bow was the most important part!! I made sure that the dealership (which was awesome!) knew that the bow was part of the package. And they totally delivered!! I had never seen one of those in real life before . . . just on Lexus holiday commercials. But yes Virginia, they DO exist!


  6. ksujulie
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 10:32:31

    Bahahaha. No. More. Blowjobs.
    I need to figure out how to negotiate a car!!!!


  7. The Cutter
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 13:32:27

    Personally, if I had a choice between a new car and future BJs, I’m not choosing the car.


  8. bluzdude
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 13:34:55

    No more blow… now wait… shouldn’t there be an aggressive scramble for 2nd place? Why should all the other husbands be punished?


  9. Andrea @ Maybe It's Just Me
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 15:13:17

    Phew…thanks for taking the pressure off! Now to find my granny panties and those big comfy flannel pj’s. Enjoy your title!


  10. Robbie K (@momma23monkeys)
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 16:48:17



  11. Fresh Ginger
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 17:07:11

    You were still giving blow jobs after you got married? What was the point?


  12. New Beginnings (@thesoupison)
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 17:37:19

    Hahahaha!!!! The no more blow jobs line was sublime.


  13. tmwhickman (@fercryinoutloud)
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 21:39:29

    Hahahahahahaha!!! Sure, okay–you win! But what if you like blow jobs?


  14. Valerie
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 21:51:39

    I hope it’s got legit GPS in there!! Not the I’m-gonna-kill-you type. Also, gay marriage is legal in NJ now. Just sayin…. I love you…




    • mistyslaws
      Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:18:53

      He’s got a Garmin. Problem solved!

      I think you, me and Hippie will need to relocate to Utah if we’re gonna make this thing happen. Pack your bags!! 🙂


  15. TriGirl
    Oct 23, 2013 @ 22:43:30

    Congratulations!! If anyone needs me, I’ll be lying on a beach somewhere being not-the-wife-of-the-year.


  16. consciouscacophony
    Oct 24, 2013 @ 01:32:35

    Ha ha 🙂 This was so entertaining, particularly since I handed in my wife card last year, so no longer have any pressure to be the best! So well-written. Loved it.


  17. skipcote
    Oct 24, 2013 @ 05:53:58

    always wanted to know where you get a bow like that? this is one of the funniest thing I’ve read in a while thanks.


  18. JM Randolph
    Oct 24, 2013 @ 07:50:13

    I want a job putting bows on cars.


  19. Jake
    Oct 24, 2013 @ 08:28:20

    Can I be your husband? I don’t need a car in New York but if you bought me one I would drive it Every. Day.


  20. joeinvegas
    Oct 24, 2013 @ 10:19:51

    Sorry, best wife is still the one that sends the kids to their friends for a sleep over and greets her hubby at the door nekkid. Several times a week.


  21. Natalie DeYoung
    Oct 24, 2013 @ 12:05:37

    Thank God, I can stop trying now. 😉


  22. Janelle Weibelzahl
    Oct 24, 2013 @ 20:37:17

    Challenge accepted. 😉


  23. ReallyGina1 (@ReallyGina1)
    Oct 24, 2013 @ 21:34:46

    Hilarious! I love the four words right before “Yeah, you’re welcome.” Kidding! You win. You would in my household!


  24. Trackback: Weekend Mash-up and Feel Good Posts | Jess Witkins' Happiness Project
  25. Trackback: The Big Apple Bites Back | Misty's Laws
  26. PinotNinja
    Oct 29, 2013 @ 14:34:29

    Damn girl! You are good! Not only for your gift giving skills, but also for letting me off the blow job hook. Not that I was really giving the old college try to that activity, but at least now I don’t have to feel guilty at all about pretending that I don’t know what that activity is.


  27. Ken
    Oct 30, 2013 @ 13:55:49

    A Jeep AND blow jobs? That’s a lot to give up………just saying.


  28. Trackback: What I Did on My Winter Vacation . . . | Misty's Laws

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: