That’s right, all of you other wives out there can just go ahead and stop trying. No need to exhaust yourselves for no reason, because I’ve got this thing all tied up. It’s in the bag. The trophy is en route to my house right now. It is a fait accompli.
Basically, the wife who buys their husband a brand new car as an anniversary present pretty much takes the cake, n’est pas?
That’s right. You heard me . . .
Brand. New. Car.
And the best part is that it was a complete surprise as he pulled into the driveway upon his return from a business trip to Brazil. That is when he saw the pretty new shiny gift, topped with a big red bow, sitting in the driveway.
“Am I at the right house?”
“I think I may be in shock.”
Just some of the phrases spoken by my husband that will be reviewed by the committee when they are judging this year’s Best Wife competition. But like I said, it’s pretty much a done deal, so don’t strain yourselves trying to eek close to my level of awesomeness. It’s a gift, really. A gift, just like the fabulous new car that I gave my husband! Booya.
Now, I’m sure some of you might be thinking that the extravagance of the gift might disqualify me from the competition, but au contraire, mes amies! See, it is not an extravagant gift . . . it is an appropriate and thoughtful gift. Extra points, bitches!! You see, we just paid off our last car payment this past May, and those payments were tres expensive! So now, there is a little extra in the monthly budget to play with. Additionally, he is driving a 1996 Jeep Wrangler that is literally falling apart around him. The radio does not work, there are huge holes in the floor, there is no backseat, the heat/air is broken . . . it is basically one big piece of crap whose days are numbered. So, the purchase of the new car was not only affordable (the monthly payment will be half of the previous one), but necessary from a safety perspective. I am kind, considerate and generous . . . all high scores in the Wifely Olympics.
World’s. BEST. Wife.
I thought last year I might have had a fighting chance, what with the purchase of season tickets to this year’s Orioles games, but I didn’t quite make it into the running. Granted, it was a very nice gift, and I spent a good chunk of cash on it, but it didn’t quite reach up to the level of best wife status.
But this year . . . oh ho, there is no stopping me this year! Barring a wife who selflessly donates her last kidney so that her husband may survive, while she makes the ultimate sacrifice of giving her life for her man (damn you 2010!!), I’m pretty sure that I will be the ultimate victor in this year’s quest for supremacy.
I know many of you will be disappointed. Just as I was in the past when I came just this close to making it. But, think of it this way . . . now you can stop trying so hard! Go take a nap, you deserve it. No more super-human efforts to organize and schlep the kids to multiple sporting events each day while your husband sits home watching TV or YouTube videos. No more working all day at your thankless job, just to come home to fix a gourmet dinner for your family, and then do laundry and go scrub the toilets. No need to keep being nice to his mother. No. More. Blow Jobs.
Yeah, you’re welcome.