Here it is. The moment you all have been waiting for . . . the recap of Val‘s most recent visit. Well, at least the first half of it. It was, as always, the most epic of days, which means we packed a ton of epicness into a small amount of hours. So, I’m gonna have to split this thing up so as to do the entire story justice.
We begin our story with both of us arriving in Baltimore, where we would spend the next 24 hours, traveling in and around the city. Somehow, she beat me there, even with her mandatory stop at Waffle House, and the fact that I only live a little less than an hour away. Normally, I’m waiting for her ass, so this was different. However, I found her comfortably ensconced in a nice lounge chair in the lobby, and didn’t make her wait too long. Once we checked into our room and changed into our good, theater-going clothes, we set off to our first planned destination . . . Elf: the Musical.
When Val and I first decided that this would be the day she would once again grace my fair state with her awesomeness, as always, I did my due diligence to see what was going on. When I found out that Elf would be in Baltimore that weekend, it was decided. I asked Val how she felt about it, she responded “smiling is my favorite,” and we were off!
When we arrived at the theater, we obtained some beverages, lest we get parched during the long performance, and then found our seats. They were excellent seats, about 12 rows back and right in the middle. Perfect view. When the show started, we were so excited. The first thing we saw was Santa, and we were like two little girls on Christmas morning again. “It’s Santa! I know him.” We were giddy with excitement. When Buddy came out, who looked like a six foot tall Martin Short but sounded exactly like Kenneth from 30 Rock, we were already completely enchanted and in love with the show. It was like the movie, but just different enough to make it fun. And musical, of course.
Being super excited and stoked to be there, and loving everything about the show, we occasionally made a comment to each other about some of the funny or interesting parts of the show. But quiet-like, because we have class, dammit. And we were laughing at all the funny parts, of which there were many. Well, apparently, our joviality and friendship highly offended the woman to my left, because about 40 minutes into the show, I suddenly found myself face to very ugly mug with the meanest and nastiest person ever. She thrust her puss right into my personal space and proclaimed: “If you two don’t cut it out, I’m going to call the manager and report you!” Commence my shocked look towards Val to see if this was for real happening. “I’m getting really sick of your shit!” Holy crap, I think that really DID just happen. What the hell do we do now?
Yeah. We were actually and totally struck speechless. Us. That NEVER happens! We just could not even believe that someone would actually be offended that we were enjoying ourselves and laughing at a musical comedy, and would so nastily and rudely tell us to stop having fun. We weren’t bothering her in any way, but apparently she was a very angry elf.
After we recovered from our initial shock (and wondered to each other if we were allowed to laugh any more), we were pissed. At intermission, Val was pretty much set on beating her ass at the end of the show. However, that mean old Grinch was just lucky that she was as fast as she was mean, because she raced away from those seats the second the show was over, and Val was unable to catch her. Probably best, or we would have spent the rest of the day at the police station.
Once we escaped (barely) having not murdered anyone, we took a quick trip back to the hotel room to change into a bit less fancy duds. It would be the last we would see of our lovely hotel room for the next 12 hours or so. However, we were unaware of that at the time, so we did not dally. We turned right around to head out to dinner. We had made plans to meet another blogger, who lives locally, for drinks and some food before we went off to our next destination. (Yes, we were very busy girls that day).
When I set up our meeting place with Bluz, he checked out the locale online and immediately balked at the idea of going to a “hipster bar,” averring that he was decidedly “unhip.” Reassuring him that I had no idea of the restaurant’s hipster status when I chose it, but that I only chose it because I had reviewed the menu and was intrigued by the offerings, and also that it was within walking distance of our hotel, I convinced him that his non-skinny jeans wearing ass would be just fine. Plus, I had Val. He would have met us in Satan’s bathroom if that’s where we were headed.
And actually, he almost got his wish for a different joint, since we arrived there before him and were gonna text him to meet us across the street at a beer garden that looked rad, but that was right before the bartender got his hooks into us and realized we were easy. No, not like that! We’re ladies, yo. But he offered us a free shot, so we had no choice but to stay. Free booze? Um, yes please. I mean, obviously. We have class.
Oh, and did I mention that we spent most of the time making fun of him? The bartender, that is, not Bluz. I mean, what else could we do when he tried to get all fancy by flipping bottles, and then ended up dropping one. And then there was the attempted selfie (he was supposed to be taking a pic of us), where he just looks like he’s eating his thumb.
Plus, he patently refused to light our shots on fire! What kind of crappy bartender was he, anyway? Damn. I mean, it didn’t stop me from pimping out my good friend Val to him, so that he may actually own her now and have her living in a pit in his basement. As long as she just keeps putting on the lotion, she should be fine. Besides, I’m not worried about her. She’s a tough bitch. She’ll be wearing his skin by the end of the week.
Once we finished our food and drinks and lovely conversation, we had to say adieu to our friend Bluz, so that we could head on over to our next destination . . . a haunted pub crawl in a historic seaside area known for its lively nightlife. Oh yeah, it was on.
Alas, my dear readers, this is where I must leave off on this marvelous tale. I will continue with the second half, and thrilling conclusion, later this week. And just to give you a taste, there will be . . . beard biting, top hats and canes, and much late night (early morning) drunken shenanigans. Pretty sure you are not surprised by that last part. Until then . . . . .