You Win Some, You Lose Some

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In case you are wondering, the loser in this situation, at least based on recent occurences and evidentiary support, is me.  We’ll get to the winner in a moment.  But, as to that whole losing thing, it seems that my good buddy and pal, LIFE, has decided to be a cold, hard, manipulative bitch lately.  Maybe it’s that time of the month, huh Lifey ole friend?  And lest you think I might be over-exaggerating my present loser status (But Misty!  You just had a super rad weekend with Val!  Full of fun and shenanigans.  Surely, it can’t be all that bad, right?), let me present to you Exhibits A through D.

Exhibit A:

Last Friday I was hit with a massive chest cold which knocked me on my ass and out of work.  But, since my job sucks (still), I couldn’t just lay in bed in misery on that cold and rainy day.  Oh no, I need a note from a doctor to take a sick day.  Yes, that is correct.  My employer treats us like toddlers that cannot determine when we are able to make it into work and when one of our sick days needs to be taken.  So, despite the fact that my throat hurt like hell and anytime I spoke to someone, I sounded like an 80-year-old asthmatic with a pack-a-day habit (mmmm, sexy), I hauled my ass into the shower and out to the clinic to wait 2 hours just for a note.  That’s it.  No meds.  Nothing.  Just needed a note, thank you very much. 

Exhibit B:

So, remember that whole broken washer saga thing?  And remember how I commented to everyone that it was fixed and I had a functional washer once again?  Yeah, so scratch that.  The working washer only worked for a couple of weeks before it broke again.  And this time, we were told that we needed TWELVE parts to fix it.  So, we had to order the parts, wait for them to be delivered and then schedule another appointment for all of those many parts to be installed.  In the meantime, I’ve had to trek downstairs to my Father in Law’s place to use his washer, which is a huge annoyance.  And although I am very happy that at least I don’t have to go to a laundromat, I want my damn washer to work again!  Especially, when you go downstairs and put in your delicates, leaving another load of delicates in a basket pending washing, and you get busy with trying to decorate the tree and forget to go down again for 2 hours, and your Father in Law, who is just trying to be helpful, puts your wash in the dryer and washes your undies on hot with Tide.  Oy.  I love him for trying, but oy.  I really need my washer back.

Exhibit C:

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That.  Yep, that would be a mouse, peeking out from the dishwasher in my kitchen.  Now I know where all those little black pellets I found in my pantry have been coming from.

Exhibit D:

Tree

The Fucking Tree.  That Goddamn Fucking Christmas Tree!!  This might be a familiar tale, if you have been reading this blog for a while, because it seems that I go through this same Groundhog Day extravaganza every single year.  You see, I’m married to an elf.  He is the most holly jolly of all Christmas elves, while I tend to skew more towards a Grinch-like countenance.  However, over the years, he has definitely pulled me over to the dark candy cane side of holiday spirit.  Which is all well and good, until it comes to the tree.  I am the one who has to decorate the thing.  Meaning lights, bows, ornaments.  The kids help with the ornaments, but up until that point, it’s all me.  Oh, did I mention I’m allergic to pine?  Yeah, that’s another little added bonus to the decorating hell I seem to find myself in every year. 

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This is what my arms look like after a few hours wrestling lights onto the tree.

And look, I’m not trying to be a martyr about this whole thing.  I’m not forced to do the tree, I do it willingly, even knowing what will happen to my arms.  It hurts and itches for a few hours, then is all gone by the next day, so I can deal.  Plus, the hubs just doesn’t have time to do everything, and he does all the outside lights.  So, it’s totally fair.  What isn’t fair is when you spend hours wrapping the lights all around this big majestic beast of a tree in your living room, getting it to look just perfect, and making sure every single strand is working and lighting up before plugging each one into the next . . . only to have the entire thing go dark the next day.  Then, you realize it is the bottom strand that is dead, and are happy your husband picked up an extra strand at Home Depot the previous weekend, and wrestle with the tree to remove that bottom strand and then replace it with the brand new, just out of the box one . . . only to have the whole damn tree go out again the next weekend after you’ve already put the bows on it (in case you’re wondering, I left it dark for a while before replacing that first bottom strand)!  Not believing it could possibly be the brand new strand you put on just a couple of days prior, you test out all sorts of things, before you come to terms with the fact that the new strand is indeed the culprit.  So, you pull that whole thing off, discover one extra strand in one of the Xmas boxes and put that on . . . and a half hour later, everything but that strand goes out.  You are now super pissed, out of lights, and possibly having a mini-breakdown, as you throw a tantrum, complete with whining, stomping, and threats to get a fake tree next year. 

So, in case you lost count, that would be FOUR times the lights went out on the tree, THREE restringing of the lights, ONE temper tantrum and ONE threat to get a fake tree.  All with the kids asking a million times if it’s time now to put the ornaments on.  And that’s just THIS year.  The same damn thing happened last year.  I think I may be cursed.

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So, still doubtful that I’m a big, fat loser in all of this?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.  The Defense rests!!

Now, on to the winner in this scenario . . . the winner of my most recent giveaway.  Yay!!

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In case you forgot . . .

And, as always, I left the pickings to my spawn.  More specifically, my oldest and first born son, 8.

Handpick

And the winner is . . . . . .

Emmapick

EMMA5150!!!!

Congrats Emma5150.  Send me all of your info (mistyslaws at gmail dot com) and I will get this prize package out to you presently.  I might just be able to swing it so as to arrive before Xmas!!

And, for all of you big losers out there (don’t worry, you’re in good company . . . with ME), stay tuned for yet another giveaway coming next week!  How did you get so lucky as to get TWO chances to win Misty Laws awesomeness in one month?  Well, partly because of a shipping snafu that sent me extra stuff that I’m going to pass along to you, but mostly just because I’m awesome.  I will even try to post, pick and send in time to arrive before Xmas as well.  No promises, but I’ll try.

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40 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rich D
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 09:05:11

    You know those light strands have fuses, right? Maybe you should separate the strands near the middle and run 2 cords to the tree…just say’n.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 01, 2014 @ 20:02:36

      Yes, I DO know that, but didn’t even think of it as an issue. I’ve strung together numerous lights for many years with no problems until last year and this year. Maybe they are making the strands cheaper, who knows? But eventually, we did replace the bottom strand (that went out AGAIN) with a new one, then connected the middle to an extension cord. And they have stayed lit since. So, problem solved I guess. Now, to remember that for next year.

      Reply

  2. flyingplatypi
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 10:35:49

    Don’t make me drive down there and hug you until it’s uncomfortable… And then, maybe, give you some whiskey. ;0)

    Hugs to the power of infinity!!!

    Valerie

    Reply

  3. Fresh Ginger
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 12:20:04

    Congrats to EMMA5150!

    And, I’m adding the Go-Go Gadget Bitch Slapping Arm to my Christmas list. I think that would be simply fantabulous at my office. I could use it RIGHT now.

    Misty, for you, I am asking Santa to send you a fake, pre-lit Christmas tree. Of course, you won’t get it until a good after Christmas sale but, next year, you will rejoice in just taking it out of the box and, BOOM, instant Christmas. Done.

    For the immediate season, Santa should bring a NEW washer/dryer. Stat. Your FIL should not be “helping” with your delicates. Gross. (nightmares!)

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 01, 2014 @ 20:05:21

      If I find a go go gadget bitch slapping arm, I promise to share.

      No fake. 😦 The hubs will never go for it.

      And yes, it is a bit yuck. Rumor has it that if the washer breaks 3 more times, we get a new free one! So, not sure what I’m wishing for at this point. I just want to be able to wash my own bras!

      Reply

  4. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 13:32:10

    That sucks that you have to get a doctor’s note! If only you had one of those in the basement (a doctor, I mean, OR a bunch of notes, I guess).

    Reply

  5. brickhousechick
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 14:26:19

    Oh, wow. I thought I was having a bad holiday prep couple of days. Why don’t they show stuff like this on the holiday commercials?? THIS is reality. Not the smiling robotic looking moms with perfect teeth, no pine tree rashes decorating their perfectly shaped tree! I hear you. Your list of miseries are precisely why I wrote my latest post titled, Fa la la la la, la la la la. http://swimmingtomy50s.wordpress.com/2013/12/08/fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la/ 🙂

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 01, 2014 @ 20:07:54

      I feel like if they DID have realistic commercials like that, arm rashes and all, we wouldn’t feel quite as stressed for perfection. Let’s make this happen next year, Maria!

      Reply

  6. PinotNinja
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 15:26:46

    At least the mouse is kind of cute? He looks like an Ian to me, which indicates general harmlessness? Yep, that’s all I’ve got got for you since all of that nonsense generally and completely blows goats. But, I suppose that you do have a damn good excuse to drink all of the boozy egg nog you can get your hands on because it is medicinal both for your throat and for your nerves.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 01, 2014 @ 20:09:41

      Yes, he was adorable. What wasn’t as adorable, was the UNGODLY LOUD screeching that occurred once he got caught on the glue trap the next morning while my kids were eating breakfast. Oy.

      And yes, MUCH drinking this holiday season. I may need AA at this point. Worth it!

      Reply

  7. TheOtherLisa
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 16:37:42

    I had the same thing happen to my arms this year! I’ve been doing the lights forever and I’m older than dirt. Suddenly I’m allergic? Because Christmas doesn’t suck enough?

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 01, 2014 @ 20:12:46

      That sucks! I’m so sorry. Although, I have heard that as we get older, we sometime get new reactions to things. I don’t get it. Hope your holidays shaped up!

      Reply

  8. Samantha Brinn Merel
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 17:09:47

    I’m so sorry your having an Exhibit A through D crappy time. I’m also sorry that I laughed my way through this post. You have the best way of writing the crappy hilariously. xoxo.

    Reply

  9. bluzdude
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 18:18:22

    Of course he had to wash your undies in Tide. Cuz it too damn cold out-tide!
    Baaha ha ha ha haaaa!

    Yes, I’ve been waiting years for a setup like that. I’m not proud.

    Reply

  10. Abby
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 19:49:24

    I think next time you should get a note from a psychologist stating you’re staying home from work because your boss is a twat waffle who causes you emotional distress. BOOM! Just following the rules!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 01, 2014 @ 20:15:16

      I don’t think they would care. As long as it’s a note. And this one time, it’s not my twat waffle of a boss . . . it’s the whole damn company’s policy.

      Reply

  11. joannerambling
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 20:51:31

    Ok I have now had 5 attempts to read this post and each time I have to stop to see to a child so I have given up, sorry I just don’t seem to be able to read a long post, but I came and I tried does that count, if not can’t help that either

    Reply

  12. emma5150
    Dec 11, 2013 @ 02:12:17

    Yea for me! And for all the regifting recipients I see on my list! Thanx…

    Your post is hilarious! I hate that note thing, my employer is the same if you’re out three or more days, then i need a note to return to work. I think someone is getting some sort of kickback from my paltry co-pay. Feelin’ kinda Grinchy myself, so I solved my Christmas decorating dilemma by leaving those little LED lights on the rubber tree plant all year! Maybe I’ll throw some lights on the shrubs in front of the house this next weekend….that’s it for this year…I like the idea of a pre-lit fake tree. Maybe if if I find it on sale after Christmas.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 01, 2014 @ 20:18:26

      Congrats again!

      I can understand after 3 days. I mean, it’s still stupid, but makes more sense than just ONE day. Oh, and I forgot one detail . . . I have to pay $50 to go to the clinic as a co-pay, so to take a sick day and get a note, I have to pay $50. Wonder why I don’t take many sick days!

      Pre-lit Xmas tree sounds divine. Good luck finding a cheapy.

      Reply

  13. thoughtsappear
    Dec 11, 2013 @ 10:24:17

    I’ll never eat a Hot Pocket again.

    Reply

  14. Don't Quote Lily
    Dec 11, 2013 @ 13:11:33

    Wow, if that’s not Life being a bitch, then I don’t know what is. 😦 There’s so much going on, I don’t even know what to say…that’s just crazy! You gotta admit though, the mouse is kinda cute… Don’t hate me, lol.

    Reply

  15. pegoleg
    Dec 11, 2013 @ 14:30:57

    Scratch burns from fluffing the tree…HOLLA! I took my 9ft fake tree to the Goodwill this weekend – no more of that nonsense. We’ve downsized to a little, dinky thing on a table so the dog won’t knock it over.

    I’m sorry life is kicking you around so much, Misty. The Pollyanna in me says “things can’t get any worse from here!” But the realistic Eyore in me says “like hell they can’t”.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 01, 2014 @ 20:22:59

      Oh Peg, things can ALWAYS get worse. You know better than that! And good for you for downgrading. Once the kids are out of here (I have many years to go) . . . no more tree. That I can guarantee!

      Reply

  16. Vesta Vayne
    Dec 11, 2013 @ 18:34:52

    Oh no! Boo to getting sick, broken washers, crappy Christmas lights, and having to go get a doctor’s note (awesome idea. Oh, you’re sick? Well please go to a public place and spread your germs around so you can provide me with a note.Ugh).

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 01, 2014 @ 20:24:07

      I agree!! And I always fear that I will catch something ever worse while at those places, thus ensuring I am out even MORE days. It makes no sense.

      Reply

  17. Valentine Logar
    Dec 12, 2013 @ 08:13:37

    I stopped decorating when my teenage sons (15 years ago) said they didn’t want to un-decorate anymore. It was the best year, ever.

    A doctors note? Really? Do the pay, they should.

    I am sorry, wish I could send you a hug or three. Consider yourself hugged.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Jan 01, 2014 @ 20:25:47

      I can’t wait for that day. Can’t. Wait.

      They do NOT pay. Bastards.

      Thanks for the virtual hug. I felt it. There was a little ass grab there as well, no? 😉

      Reply

  18. about100percent
    Dec 16, 2013 @ 20:27:58

    I freaking hate Christmas lights. The ones on our pre-lit tree are threatening to go out, at which time we will have a no-lit tree. Because I am NOT restringing that thing.

    Reply

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