Psycho Killer, Qu’est-ce Que C’est?

I am married to a murderer.  You would think, as an attorney, I could have avoided getting tangled up with such a nefarious person, but apparently even I am not immune to the seductive nature of a bad boy.  In fact, I was not aware of his true nature when we met, nor even when I married him and bore his offspring.  It was not until recent events transpired that I discovered who he really is.

It began with a confession.  That’s right, he plainly and blatantly admitted his crime to me.  At first I was aghast and horrified.  How could he do such a thing?  Who was this monster I was married to?  He claimed it was merely an accident, but I could read the truth behind his eyes.  It was planned.  With malice aforethought.

The day in question, I returned to my room after being out in the warm sunshine all day, and threw my belongings on the bed.  I ran into the bathroom to take a shower before departing for dinner that night.  Little did I know, when I returned to the bedroom that afternoon, what carnage lie ahead.  Soon after, the man I so naively married all those years ago, entered the bedroom.  And while I was distracted by warm soapy water, he proceeded to commit his nefarious deed.  Once his crime was committed, he entered the bathroom and breezily informed me of his actions, apologizing, whilst showing me the remains of his victim.  “Man, I sure did crush them,” he proclaimed.  “I thought there might have been a chance to fix them, but no way.  They are goners.”

What he showed me was the broken pieces of a dear friend.  Her body smashed beyond repair.  I was heartbroken!  She had been big and bold and sassy.  I loved her so.  But now she was gone.

He says he lost his balance and fell.  A likely story that would never hold up in court in front of a jury of his peers.  Who just loses their balance and falls down, placing their derriere precisely on a person’s most treasured and loved object, resting innocently on the bed below?  The poor unsuspecting victim sitting helplessly as the weapon of her demise plummets down upon her and snuffs out her life in an instant.  Unfortunately, she probably did see it coming.

I examined the corpse, hoping there might be a way to save her.  Some last ditch effort to revive her once glorious soul.  But alas, she was beyond repair.  He crushed the life out of her when he crashed down upon her.  There was no hope.  No breath to be blown into her.  No going back.

“I’ll get you a new pair,” he blithely said.  As if that could make it all better.  Not even realizing how those words crushed my soul.  Obviously, I would need another.  I could not go without.  Not in this place, not at this time.  But she could never be replaced.  Not in my mind, nor my heart.  It would just be a new one.  That’s all it could ever be.

glasses new

The “replacements.”

We bought them from a street side cart in front of the hotel.  They will do for now.  But they will never be the same as the ones before.  My old friend.  I guess I will always have my memories of her.  And the pictures.  Of course, there’s always the pictures.

Please join me in a moment of silence as we all remember the good times . . . and miss my dear friend.  R.I.P. Sunglasses.

Her and I on the beach.

Her and I on the beach.

At Thoughtsy's wedding.

At Thoughtsy’s wedding.

At the fair.

At the fair.

We were having some fun in Disney!

We were having some fun in Disney!

My son being fabulous with my dear departed friend.

My son being fabulous on the beach with my dearly departed friend.

19 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. sarah9188
    Mar 18, 2014 @ 09:00:28

    You can never truly replace a good pair of sunglasses; finding good ones is like finding a needle in a hay stack. RIP, cute sunglasses.


  2. icescreammama
    Mar 18, 2014 @ 09:11:51

    ohh there’s nothing like a great pair of sunglasses. curse that dastardly husband of yours.


  3. Cheryl S.
    Mar 18, 2014 @ 09:45:43

    Best part of tis post? Talking Heads reference. Nicely done!


  4. Go Jules Go
    Mar 18, 2014 @ 11:00:14

    Nooooooooooooo. Let me know when the memorial service takes place. I don’t want to miss it. I assume it will be in the shade.


  5. bluzdude
    Mar 18, 2014 @ 11:26:39

    So, there was no talk about how your beloved friend shouldn’t have been on the bed in the first place? 😉


  6. Andrea @ Maybe It's Just Me
    Mar 18, 2014 @ 12:05:38

    I hope you had a proper case to bury them in. I am really torn on what to send…sunshine seems called for, yet a cruel joke.


  7. Nicole
    Mar 18, 2014 @ 12:22:05

    At least you know they’re in sunglasses heaven. I lost my White House Black Market pair went years ago and they have never been found. Who knows what torture they have endured!


  8. The Cotton Floozy
    Mar 18, 2014 @ 12:58:38

    Requiescat in pace, sunglassestoratum.


  9. JudahFirst
    Mar 18, 2014 @ 14:08:52

    I like the new ones better. 🙂 I always pick up extra pairs at TJ Maxx or Ross for about $5. Hope these make it past your murderous hubby!


  10. brickhousechick
    Mar 18, 2014 @ 23:07:23

    This truly is tragic. My sunglasses are also my bffs. When you get a pair you love and that looks good on you, you are so happy. You can’t imagine life without them. And it’s so hard to find the right replacement. 😦 So sorry for your loss.


  11. joannerambling
    Mar 19, 2014 @ 00:03:11

    I don’t wear sunglasses, I should I know but I don’t


  12. The Cutter
    Mar 19, 2014 @ 10:18:55

    That’s why I always buy the cheap $15 knockoffs. I lose/break sunglasses too easily.


  13. pegoleg
    Mar 19, 2014 @ 11:49:31

    I’m so sorry for your loss. (moment of silence with head bowed.)


  14. Jess Witkins
    Mar 19, 2014 @ 18:46:21

    This is the most tragical thing imaginable. I’m so sorry Misty. If you’d to bury your friend near the bag of words I just deleted from my book, I believe there’s a plot open next door. RIP.


  15. Valentine Logar
    Mar 20, 2014 @ 11:41:17

    Oh no, tragic. I am sorry for you loss. He should be whipped and beaten. Then forgiven, I think he didn’t mean it.


  16. Hippie Cahier
    Mar 20, 2014 @ 18:19:03

    Having met the accused (exactly once, but still), I would like to serve as a character witness. It is obvious he was. . . wait for it. . . framed. 🙂


  17. Scott Oglesby
    Mar 24, 2014 @ 11:22:20

    If I spend a fortune on a really good pair of sunglasses I lose them within two weeks. If I buy cheap ones at Target or Marshals, I have them for the rest of my life. Imitation Risky Business shades from back in high school? Yep, still in the sock drawer.


  18. cynkingfeeling
    Mar 26, 2014 @ 15:34:02

    I wish I could blame losing my one great pair of sunglasses on my husband, but, like Jimmy Buffett in Margaritaville: “And I know it’s my own damn fault.”


  19. Trackback: I’ve Got Big Balls | Misty's Laws

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