I’ve Got Big Balls

Usually, I like my balls small. Easy to handle. Not too unwieldy. Tasty.

But this time, I took a chance on some large ones. Threw my normal predilections and preferences out the window. These were much meatier, but of an unknown quality. I was truly gambling on these balls. But, at the moment, there were no others. It was them or nothing, and I had to fill a desperate need. So, big balls it was.

When I got them home, I decided that I would resist their allure and save them for another night when I really needed them.  Maybe in a few days, when the time was right.  When there was no other choice and the desire was at its peak.  Only then would I sample these mystery balls.

But unbeknownst to me, there was a devious plot afoot in my home.  A plan to steal my balls.  To sample the succulent and round mass of meat before I could even get the chance to use it for my own purposes.  A feat which I discovered upon my return home the next night, when I saw evidence of the sampling of my large meaty friend, blatantly displayed with nary a care for discovery.  The partial remains of the poor ball just sitting there on the counter.  Evidence of the crime plain to see.  Basically, my ball just thrown right in my face.

There was only one person who could have committed this dastardly deed.  Only one person who was in the house that entire day, so it was obvious where the guilt lie . . . my au pair.

Bewildered and shocked, I chose not to address the transgression at the time, and instead went upstairs to lay down and recover.  I soothed my battered soul by reminding myself that I still had some balls left.  They weren’t all gone.  Just the one.  It would be ok.

But then . . . disaster struck again!  Or should I say, my husband did.  You remember him, the sunglass murderer.  Well, I should have known that once he got a taste of the life of crime, that he wouldn’t stop.  That he would crave a return to the dark side.

When I went to bed that night, I had 5 balls, but by the next morning, only 4 remained.  When I arrived on the scene that morning, I saw evidence of the carnage.  Red liquid dripping down the container in the sink showed clear evidence of his heinous crime.  It was obvious that he was the culprit, since he had arrived late at home from a business trip while all others in the house were asleep.  Apparently, the allure of my balls, which he had never sampled before, was just too enticing for him to resist.  And with nobody to monitor his actions, including his conscience apparently, he struck a deadly blow to my balls.

It was time to put an end to this crime spree.  This senseless devouring of balls.   So, in no uncertain terms, I told both the au pair and my husband that my balls were off limits.  “Hands off of my balls, you thieving delinquents” I exclaimed.

I can only hope that my remaining balls have survived through this day without those criminals’ greedy hands and mouths devouring them before I can get home from work and finally use them for my own purposes.  But, if nothing else, I have learned a valuable lesson here.  Big balls are just too damn irresistible for my family to handle.  From now on, only small balls are safe to enter my home.  I won’t make the same mistake again.  My balls depend on it.

The scene of the crime.  And the only survivors.

The scene of the crime. And the only survivors.


34 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. She's a Maineiac
    May 13, 2014 @ 09:17:24

    Damn, your balls DO look good. I wish I could eat some balls right now for breakfast.


  2. JM Randolph
    May 13, 2014 @ 09:19:34

    That’s too much ball for me. I’m definitely a small-ball girl.


  3. JM Randolph
    May 13, 2014 @ 09:19:51

    Also? You can’t trust those bastards.


  4. Don't Quote Lily
    May 13, 2014 @ 09:36:54

    Yeah, those balls look quite tasty. 😉


  5. Megan (Best of Fates)
    May 13, 2014 @ 09:42:08

    HAHAHA. Man, who would have thought your balls were in such peril?!


  6. Bluz
    May 13, 2014 @ 10:37:29

    I never thought you’d write a post about juggling balls…


  7. Rosie
    May 13, 2014 @ 11:20:16

    Welcome back! And with such a ballsy post, too! 🙂


  8. Ice Scream Mama
    May 13, 2014 @ 12:13:23

    Nice balls. How do they smell? 😉


  9. Andrea @ Maybe It's Just Me
    May 13, 2014 @ 13:22:41

    Those balls don’t look that big to me…I demand a ruler! I shall never look at rigatoni and meatballs the same way again!


  10. rachelocal
    May 13, 2014 @ 14:10:13

    Those balls look good. Glad to see you on here again. 🙂


  11. brickhousechick
    May 13, 2014 @ 19:29:20

    Those ‘cojones’ look yummy! Good for you for having such big ones! 🙂


  12. flyingplatypi
    May 13, 2014 @ 20:04:32

    Yay!!! You’re back!!!! How I missed you so!

    And I think you know exactly how I feel about people touching my balls. I’ve cut a bitch for that in the past… And I’d do it again.




  13. joannerambling
    May 13, 2014 @ 23:46:50

    Balls you say I don’t have balls, I have never had balls just saying


  14. Valentine Logar
    May 14, 2014 @ 11:51:28

    Your balls wouldn’t have lasted the day in my house. Maybe in the future you should hide your balls.


  15. Sam Merel
    May 14, 2014 @ 13:07:10

    I’m cracking up, and now considering making spaghetti and meatballs for dinner tonight.


  16. Scott Oglesby
    May 15, 2014 @ 08:32:05

    It’s never smart to mess with a girl’s balls, be they meatballs or Lindt white chocolate. It’s almost as if you need some sort of protective sack to carry them around, protected.


  17. JoeinVegas
    May 19, 2014 @ 12:59:30

    I think you better get back to them quicker, leave anything around for long and it’s bound to be noticed.


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