Emerging from the Deep

After my miscarriage, I decided that I desperately needed some help.  Of the professional variety.  Which was quite surprising to me, because historically, I had always outright refused and even scoffed at any suggestion of seeking therapy.

But this was different.  I was in a deep, dark hole and could hardly even see the light.  I knew I needed a trained professional to help pull me out of this suffocating pit of sadness.  So, I randomly searched for someone in my insurance plan who was geographically desirable, and within a week of a cold call, I was sitting in an office, telling a stranger all of my problems.  It was a bizarre and frightening experience for me.

To be honest, the miscarriage was probably just the final straw on top of my depression.  The one thing that made me admit that I needed help and just couldn’t handle my own shit any more.  I had been sinking and barely treading water for years before, but stubbornly thought I could eventually get myself out of the treacherous waters I was trapped in.  This event finally sunk me, but also propelled me to accept a life-preserver.

It was dreadfully hard for me at first.  I am not very good at opening up and sharing my feelings and emotions.  I am a very closed off person.  I build walls for good reasons, and I’m not too keen on someone trying to knock them down to find out what’s cowering behind the bricks.  But I had to do it if I was going to get better.  There was no other option.  So I slowly started chipping away at my protective layer to get to the gooey underbelly of hurt and emotion below.  It was difficult and painful.

After quite a few months of therapy, I realized that I needed some greater assistance.  My therapist had suggested on a few occasions that I might do well with some prescription medication.  But, I was firmly anti-meds.  So, I rebuffed this suggestion outright at first.  I actually accused her of trying to fix my problems with drugs instead of doing the work of being my therapist.  I was in a bad place and it was a horrible reaction.  But eventually, I came to realize that she was right.  I needed more help.

Cue a referral to a psychiatrist and a prescription for Wellbutrin.  And suddenly, the haze started to clear.  It was like I could finally breath again.  Everything felt more stable and real.  The drugs actually made me feel like I was finally sober.  Instead of dulling my senses, everything felt sharper and brighter.  It felt real again.

For the first time in a long time, I felt like myself.  There were no more random crying jags in the middle of my work day.  I no longer wanted to come home from work every night and just sleep.  I spent more time with my kids and was a much better mommy than I had been in a while.  It was drastically and distinctly noticeable to everyone close to me.  Some didn’t know what had happened, but they knew something was different.  A good different, for sure.

While my head was clear, I could really dig deep in therapy and try to heal some things that had previously seemed irrevocably broken.  I made excellent progress and found myself crying less and less each week, which was nice, because I was really getting sick of those damn tears.  I was slowly healing.  Shedding those weights that had been holding me down.  Sadness.  Loss.  Guilt.

And then a strange thing happened.  It started with just a glimmer.  Then grew stronger and stronger until I couldn’t deny that is was an actual desire.  I tried to ignore it, but it persisted, until it turned into an all-encompassing need.  Much like Glenn Close, it would not be ignored.

I wanted another baby.


38 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Nelson - One Old Sage
    May 27, 2014 @ 10:04:39

    Congratulations on your improved health. Admitting to having a mental health problem and seeking help is a great achievement. I also know the pain of depression. I lived with it my entire adult life. I sought help a couple of times and then thought I could do it myself. Depression treatment is not a do it yourself project. When I retired, it all came crashing down. I have a great GP who understand my situaion and put me on an excellent antidepressant. My fog also lifted.

    Again, congratulations on your desire to improve your health. You should be proud of yourself.


    • mistyslaws
      Jun 09, 2014 @ 14:48:08

      Thanks, Nelson. I AM proud of me, actually. I finally realized that I really needed help, and I took the steps to get it. It worked for me, so I am very happy I did it. I feel so much better now than I had for many years prior and during that whole incident. I am glad you were also able to get help and have someone who has assisted you with your depression as well. I’m glad we’re BOTH better! 🙂


  2. naptimethoughts
    May 27, 2014 @ 10:06:46

    Good for you. I think it was Einstien who said “Insanity is trying the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.” I’m glad you’re feeling happier.


    • mistyslaws
      Jun 09, 2014 @ 14:49:09

      If not for the miscarriage, I probably would have continued miserably beating my head against the wall and wondering why it wasn’t making me all better. I’m glad I finally got help. Thanks!


  3. The Cutter
    May 27, 2014 @ 10:50:56

    I can understand your opposition to the meds, but sounds like they were what you needed.


  4. Don't Quote Lily
    May 27, 2014 @ 12:19:29

    Congrats for taking the steps to heal. I know that couldn’t have been easy to admit needing help. Seems like it was definitely an eye opener. I think it’s beautiful that you’re sharing this. Hugs!


    • mistyslaws
      Jun 09, 2014 @ 14:51:29

      It was actually one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. It was like a light went on: “Oh my god, I really need some help!” It was that quick. And thank you.


  5. andrea-maybe it's just me
    May 27, 2014 @ 13:30:04

    They do always say that the first step is admitting you have a problem, but sometimes I think part of the problem (for me anyway) is not getting any help after that realization.


    • mistyslaws
      Jun 09, 2014 @ 14:52:26

      I had previously come to the realization at different times in my life that I was probably depressed, but never did anything about it. Losing the baby propelled me into action, for some reason. There was just no option in my mind at that point.


  6. thoughtsappear
    May 27, 2014 @ 16:42:55

    I’m going to pretend you decided you wanted another baby because you want another boy who will grow up to marry Scout, and then we’ll be related. =)


  7. Ice Scream Mama
    May 27, 2014 @ 19:24:44

    good thing you didn’t listen to you and listened to your therapist. sounds like it made all the difference. so happy you found your way to a happier place.


    • mistyslaws
      Jun 09, 2014 @ 14:53:51

      Yes, most of my problems in life have stemmed from not getting out of my own dumb way. I am very happy that I allowed myself to give up control for a while. It really made all the difference.


  8. joannerambling
    May 27, 2014 @ 21:50:13

    I am pleased to read that your health is improving


  9. Jess Witkins
    May 27, 2014 @ 23:23:10

    It’s so unfortunate what a stigma society creates around mental health and needing counseling. I know I could have used it desperately in high school but was too scared to ask my parents for it. I could’ve saved myself a lot of tears and loneliness had I just asked for help. I respect counseling a lot. I think it’s wise to get that outside opinion and learn about yourself from someone who isn’t just telling you what you want to hear or what you should do and how.

    I am glad you connected with someone who earned your trust and helped you through this. I’m glad you’re feeling more like you. I’m glad we’re friends and that you have the guts and gusto to speak openly about the good, the bad, and the ugly. Rooting for all the way! Celebrate the good days and breathe deeply through the bad. 🙂


  10. flyingplatypi
    May 27, 2014 @ 23:26:49

    Deciding to move forward and get help is one of the bravest things you can do. Always remember… You fucking rock.

    Love you!!




  11. pegoleg
    May 28, 2014 @ 11:54:22

    Good for you for seeking help, Misty. I feel the same way that you did – might skeptical about the whole therapy/drug thing, while I realize that it helps many people.


    • mistyslaws
      Jun 09, 2014 @ 15:03:51

      I finally took the plunge, Peg, but it took a life-altering occurrence to make it happen. I am now a believer, but it took me many years to get to that point.


  12. Betty Shellhamer
    May 28, 2014 @ 13:33:36

    Happy to hear the family is getting the fun on !


  13. Sam Merel
    May 28, 2014 @ 17:14:56

    I’m so glad that you found your way to firmer ground, and lighter days.


  14. brickhousechick
    May 28, 2014 @ 22:28:18

    Oh, Misty – this is so touching! I have loved ones that refuse medication and I always pray that they change their minds and give it a try for the exact reason you describe. That’s been my experience. I I have to take so many damn pills for my RA, ONE of them better make me happy! So I don’t leave home without my Zoloft! So glad to hear that you sought the help you needed, that takes a lot! 🙂 Another baby, huh? Intriguing…


  15. Valentine Logar
    May 29, 2014 @ 09:10:37

    I am happy reading this! Don’t know about wanting the baby, well sure I do happiness spreading to new things. That is it, right?


  16. Trackback: A Surprising Desire | Misty's Laws
  17. renée a. schuls-jacobson
    Jun 04, 2014 @ 07:22:41

    Omigosh! I love this so much!


  18. donofalltrades
    Jun 04, 2014 @ 12:27:30

    I’m actually better at talking to complete strangers about deep shit than people close to me. I don’t know why that is, maybe something to do with having to be the strong, responsible one in the family all the time? Who knows? I’m glad you sought help and were receptive to the meds. Mental health issues are very real and nothing to be ashamed of. Just like a broken arm, get in, get it fixed and then move on with life!! Another baby though??!!! Yikes!! Lol, off to read the next post now.


    • mistyslaws
      Jun 09, 2014 @ 15:08:54

      That makes sense about the stranger thing, but it was very hard for me. Not that I’m very sharey with friends and family, either, so maybe it’s just hard for me to talk to anyone in general!

      And settle down . . . I didn’t say YOU had to have another baby! 😉


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