This past friday I decided to take a day off from work. I took a personal day because I needed to try to be a person for one day. As opposed to an attorney dealing with the myriad of bullshit I wade through on a daily basis. So, this is my run down of how to achieve the perfect day off:
STEP ONE: SLEEP IN
This is a crucial first step. You must start the day without an alarm blaring you awake into the cold cruel world. This step is also enhanced by the fact that your kids are with their grandparents for the week, the hubs is still in Brazil and the au pair is in San Francisco, so there is nobody there to possibly wake you before, say . . . 9:00.
STEP TWO: TAKE A BATH
See, once you wake from your comfortable slumber, you can’t just rush into action. No, that is a rookie mistake. You must face the world in a leisurely fashion. You have a long day ahead of you. You don’t wanna strain something so early-ish in your day! Once you have brewed some coffee (we’ll call that step 1 & 1/2), you need to run a nice warm bubble bath, get yourself a book, and settle in for some relaxation. This will be especially lovely as there will be nobody there to disturb you by barging in mid-bath, or by asking “how much longer do you think you’re gonna be?” Please also refer to this step as: HEAVEN.
STEP THREE: GET A PEDICURE
This is also a crucial step, as it is currently sandal season, your poor toes are in desperate need of a new shellacking, and really, when else are you gonna have the chance to sit in a salon in the middle of the day watching TV and getting your legs messaged?
Once you enter and hear those fateful words . . . “Peek a Cah-lah” . . . you briefly consider getting this shade, in honor of your friend Darla over at She’s a Maineiac:
But decide that it is just a little too Mauve for your taste. You end up going with an old favorite:
Which is a bit more pinkish/reddish and matches the spring-like weather and your personal preference. Once your color is “peeked,” you sit in a comfy massage chair with your tootsies soaking in warm water. Ahhhhh.
The TV is playing Days of Our Lives, which you marvel at the fact that since the last time you watched this show, oh about 15 years ago, none of the characters have changed or apparently even aged. The girl doing your nails also remarks that since she started watching about that long ago, everything is the same.
Hey there! Pay attention to the feetsies, please.
Then, while your nails are being painted, you realize that Ellen is now on, which you never see because you are always at work, so you get a little excited, because Ellen is the bomb dot com!
Then you get a lot less excited when you hear that her guest is Russell Brand. Blech. What a douchecanoe!
But . . . you now have pretty toes at least . . . once they are done drying anyway:
STEP FOUR: LUNCH (AKA GO TO COSTCO)
Since all you’ve consumed today was a cup of coffee in the AM, you are realizing that you are starting to get a mite bit hungry. Which is good, because you also coincidentally need to go to Costco to pick up a bunch of jumbo sized items, and this is about the time where they start giving out samples, so you know that you will be fed. Huzzah!
Once you arrive, the first food station you see offers some peanuts:
Ok, fine. We’ll call that a starter snack to get your stomach prepped for the oncoming onslaught of tasty goodies in store for you. No problem. Nuts are good.
The next 2 food posts you encounter give you a cracker with cream cheese and some spicy salsa stuff on it, and a little cup of salad:
Wait. Did someone call ahead and tell them I was on a diet? Because this rabbit food will not do. I’m gonna need some real stuff soon. I don’t go to Costco to eat salad. I could have made one of those at home, thank you.
Next item . . . yogurt:
Ok, seriously . . . what is with the damn diet foods? There better be some pizza rolls or something soon or it’s not gonna be pretty. Let’s see what’s next, shall we?
Cereal? Are you kidding me? Ok, shit’s about to get real up in he-ah. I am about done with this crazy “good for you” crap. I need real food. Ok Costco, you get one more shot to get it right, or it’s going to get apocalyptic in about a minute. Let’s see what the next station has to offer . . .
NOW we’re talking!! That’s a pita pocketed cheeseburger. Nom nom nom.
French Fries? Oh hell yeah! You should consider yourself lucky, Costco. You just barely saved yourself with these items. I will put the flamethrower back into my purse now. You were this close though, you know that right?
Next up was a continuation of more delectable food items:
Naan with melted Provolone.
Salmon . . . yummy!
And for dessert . . . raspberry cream cheese pastry!
Then, you must pick up a treat for all your hard work shopping at this mega superstore . . . mixed fruit smoothie to wash all those treats down:
Then after all that hard work you have done during the day, you make your way home. It is around this time that your husband should be home from his trip and waiting for you. Which leads us to . . .
STEP FIVE: PRESENTS!!
Obviously at this point, you deserve to be rewarded for all the hard work you have done all day. And since your husband has been in Brazil and Argentina for a week, while you stayed home all by your lonesome and trudged through your days going to your hateful job (which refuses to fly you to any exotic locales, no matter how much you try to convince them that sending you to a conference in Paris will help you better serve the citizens of Baltimore!), of course, you will deserve some rewards. And rewards you shall receive!!
The thing on the upper left is a mask. Not sure what you are supposed to be doing with booze and a blindfold?
Ah yes, welcome home hubs. Not only did he bring home treats from afar, mainly consisting of booze related products . . . he also returned with a new recipe for a drink, which he proceeded to whip up a batch of.
STEP SIX: WATCH TIGHTROPE WALKING?
Yeah, so this part wasn’t exactly a planned activity, but we happened upon this special about this guy, a descendent of the Flying Walendas apparently, who was planning on walking across a tightrope wire strung across Niagara Falls. We watched the proceeding special which showed his grandfather plummeting to his death in a similar attempt on a wire strung between two buildings in Puerto Rico many years ago. We were somewhat intrigued. And a little exited to see the possibility of a guy facing the same fate as his grandfather, not gonna lie. Not sure what that says about us, but I think it’s best to leave that unexcavated for now.
So after all this build up, he starts his trek across the falls. Which is the point where we notice that he is actually tethered to the rope! At that point, it lost most of it’s thrill. I mean, even if he falls, the only thing that will be hurt is his pride. Not that I am in any way wishing for this guy to be harmed or die or anything, but when you build it up as this great feat that other members of his family perished while attempting, it just lessens the suspense factor when he is hooked in by a harness is all.
Anyway, he made it across just fine, didn’t fall or anything, and I’m sure it was very difficult and quite the accomplishment for him. Next time, though, I’ll probably watch something else.
AND THUS ENDS THIS TUTORIAL ON HOW TO EXPERIENCE THE PERFECT DAY OFF.
What do YOU like to do on your day off to make it perfect? Did I miss anything?
Last call for your own weekly whacked pictures. If you have them, send them on over to mistyslaws at gmail dot com by Wednesday. If you haven’t taken any yet, what are you waiting for??? Get to snapping and send them to me so you can be prominently displayed on Friday for your talented ability to capture the absurd all around you.
Also, if you are actually working on a portrait of me as I requested last week, just let me know. I like to have that divine feeling of anticipation.