The Ninth Circle of Hell

This past weekend I was forced to go to an event that I would rather wash my eyes out with bleach than attend . . . the dreaded BRIDAL SHOWER. Dun dun duuuuuuunnnnnn.

I hate any type of Shower. Be it Bridal, Wedding, Golden . . . I am not a fan. Actually, I would almost rather you pee on me than have to sit through 3 hours of awkward social interaction and forced joviality at seeing other people open presents. Almost.

We’ve all been there. Well, if you have a vagina you have. Some men have been forced to do these things as well recently, what with the new “couples shower” trend. And to that I say . . . Ha Ha!! Oh, sorry. But really. Us women get the short end of this stick. Guys are never expected to ooh and aah over tiny little pink bibs and blankets while eating canapés around a bunch of women you probably don’t even know. Lucky bastards. So, if you get dragged into one of these events, and you have a penis, I can’t find the strength to summon any pity for your plight. I’ve been in hell far too long to have any empathy for new arrivals.

Now, here’s the thing. I have had 2 showers thrown for me in my life. First for wedding, then for first baby. So, I might sound like a hypocrite when I state my intense dislike for these things. But let’s get real. I hated both of mine as well. Nobody likes these things, unless they are deranged. Not the attendees, the guest of honor and most certainly not the people throwing the fucking things. I have been that person as well. Numerous times. Just stab me in the ear with a tiny shrimp fork right now.

But showers are not about enjoyment. No. They are about one thing and one thing only. Presents. They are a socially mandated excuse for massive amounts of gifts.  That is it. Well, that and drinking, but that might just be me. Lots and lots of drinking.

The problem is the people who do not realize the purpose for these showers. The women who take these things way too seriously. The women that want these events to last for hours and hours, to be able to ooh and aah over every single teensy tiny baby outfit and/or serving dish, to play endless ridiculous games. These women are usually the aunts and/or mother of the bride/momma-to-be. Hateful hateful women.

At each of my own showers, I begged and pleaded. I bargained. I cried. I demanded and put my foot down. Both feet!! But alas, I did not get my way. I was told that it was the way of these things. That it must be done. So I eventually was overruled and had to succumb to the inevitable . . . sitting there and opening every single one of those damn gifts at the party so that I could hear the requisite cooing over the cuteness of the items or usefulness of the crockpots. Gah.

This past weekend was actually relatively painless as showers go. I mean, still hell, but more of a nice roasting rather than an all-consuming hellfire and brimstone sort of feeling. I actually knew a couple of people so I could sit there and chat (i.e. snark) for the duration. They had alcohol and luckily my niece was there to actually serve me with pomegranate champagne (sounds odd, but it was yummy!) and get me numerous refills. Also, pretty much the moment the bride-to-be walked in the door, her mom sat her right down and she started to open presents. And she ripped through those suckers in about an hour. Then there was food and cake. All in all, it was better than most I have been to where the bride/momma mingles for an hour or so and then there are forced games and then they open presents. This was refreshing. I’m not even going to mention the 2 games they played. Mostly because I had a nice buzz, continued chatting with my SIL and completely ignored their existence. I am oh so sad that I didn’t win either the glass votive holder or the tiny little change purse that were the prizes.

This was one . . . is it wrong to just check them all and be done with this madness?

My niece and I decided that for the next shower we attend, possibly hers if she will get around to getting engaged any time soon (this was her brother’s fiance’s shower by the way), that there would be rules. No present opening (we’ll see if that happens . . . I know her mom), no games, and every time someone says ooh or aah over something adorable . . . DRINK! Any discussion of the (wink) wedding night (wink) . . . DRINK! Any talk of giving birth/pain/worth it . . . DRINK! Anytime someone tells their own story about their wedding/birth of their baby . . . DRINK!

You get the idea. Pretty much we will be sloshed within the first half hour. Guaranteed. That will be the Best. Shower. EVER!

——————————————————————————————————————-

Worst shower story? Any other ideas for what we should drink to?  Wanna see the most horrifically disturbing cake I have ever laid eyes on?  Ok, but I’m warning you . . . it’s pretty damn creepy . . .

So very wrong . . .

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42 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. cornfedgirl
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 09:53:35

    I completely agree with your take on showers. I loathe them. And I also call them hen gatherings. And don’t get me started on the games….. ugh.

    Reply

  2. springfieldfem
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 09:59:42

    Bwahahaha! Classic! I don’t do any of these. Ever. I forbade any penis shaped items at my “bridal” shower. I just wanted pizza, beer, and presents. They delivered. Baby showers? No. No. No. We don’t do those here.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Mar 30, 2012 @ 14:55:38

      Pizza, beer and presents? That is like the trifacta of awesome.

      And aren’t the penis shaped items more Bachelorette party material? I’ve never seen those as showers. Poor nana’s heart might just stop.

      Reply

  3. erica
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 10:10:03

    I have been throwing a lot of showers lately because I have been blessed multiple times by being the maid of honor in my friends’ weddings. Now they are also starting to reproduce. I think I have thrown 3 baby showers and 2 bridal showers in the last year and I have two more coming up. With that being said, I never have any games, except the games that you don’t really have to play. My friends don’t like games either, so no one is really offended by their absence. My most favorite is to freeze tiny plastic babies in ice cubes and then when the ice cube melts, your “water broke” and you get a prize. Pretty simple, all you have to do to play is drink your drink. At the last shower, my cohost made this tasty little strawberry champagne punch with bits of strawberries in it and I was told that the little babies floating in the red chunkiness looked like an abortion. Perhaps I will have to pay more attention to what I put my ice cube babies in next time. And yes, there will be a next time, I’m sure.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Mar 30, 2012 @ 14:57:09

      So, basically the game consists of just drinking the entire time? I approve of this game. Carry on.

      Abortion babies might not seem like the best idea at a baby shower. Maybe try peach champagne next time?

      Reply

  4. prttynpnk
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 10:36:54

    I hate showers too. I haven’t bred but I’ve married numerous times and they are painful from all angles. I’m the gal in the corner making rude comments- you can’t do that while wearing a paperplate with bows tacked to it. So demoralizing. Where is Amnesty International when you are forced to eat baby food blind-folded?

    Reply

  5. Jen
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 11:14:04

    I may never recover from the horror that is that cake. ((shudder)) And yet, I want one. Is that wrong?

    Reply

  6. thoughtsappear
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 11:36:44

    Ugh…I hate showers! Really I hate the games. A perfect shower would consist of cake and alcohol…and presents that I could open after everyone leaves. No games.

    Reply

  7. red
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 11:43:35

    My sister had several showers planned by her fiance’s family because he was the youngest, and first of his family to marry. They were frilly and silly and he was present at each of them.

    To counteract that madness, my other sister and I held a poker night for her. We brought in a few close friends, played poker – which none of us do very much, so it was very funny – and had beer and munchies like cheetos and chips and dip. No shower-type games at all.

    Reply

  8. Leauxra
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 12:28:32

    I always feel doubly left out at showers. Not only do I rarely know anyone and barely the woman of honor, but I don’t have a purse. i hate purses. Seriously, why do I have to carry a bag around with me? God invented pockets for a reason.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Mar 30, 2012 @ 15:35:31

      I so used to be that girl. Then I started carrying a purse. Then I would forget that I carried a purse and leave it somewhere random at the mall. Then I got a bigger purse and got used to it. Then I had kids. There is no going back when you have kids. I miss the days when I could just shove a phone in one pocket and some cash in the other. Sigh.

      Reply

  9. karinleanne
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 13:11:08

    I have lately learned that some women actually ENJOY these things!! Seriously!! Do you think they’re just pretending?

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Mar 30, 2012 @ 15:36:23

      Sadly, no. I think some of them actually enjoy these torture sessions. Some may be pretending, though. I’m just not a good enough actor not to show my disdain.

      Reply

  10. gojulesgo
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 13:19:27

    Okay, normally I go in order in my WordPress reader, but when I caught glimpse of the subject matter here, I had to drop everything and read this! I AM SO WITH YOU. I wrote about this a while back in a post called (just to reinforce my previous statement), “The #1 Reason I Own A Monogrammed Flask (And It’s All Your Fault).”

    I banned all games and poetry at my bridal shower, but still. These things are the devil’s work. So often I don’t know anyone (or anyone I do know I want to talk to as much as I want to eat roadkill), and these women go APE-POOP over those stupid prizes!! It’s like an alternate universe where logic and sanity no longer exist. And don’t get me started on the poems. They don’t even write them! They just go on some website and print out the most god-awful thing. I once sat through 25 minutes of a poem about candy (attached to a bouquet of candy), while the mother insisted on pulling out each corresponding piece: “I hope you marriage is full of SNICKERS…and many CHUCKLES…”

    That same woman with the candy bouquet just had a baby shower. Bear in mind she’s my HUSBAND’S friend’s wife (GAAH!) and they didn’t start opening presents until TWO AND A HALF HOURS in. Oh lord. I need a drink just thinking about it.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Mar 30, 2012 @ 15:38:45

      Yeah for cutting the blog line!! 🙂

      Oh, god. All of that just gave me PTSD!! I also am required to go to all of my husband’s friend’s wives showers. Thankfully, most of them are older than me and are done getting married and having babies. But for a while there, it was pure torture.

      Make me one of those drinks as well. Yikes!

      Reply

  11. lazysubculturalgirl
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 15:54:55

    My friends and I use baby showers as an excuse to get together and yak. We don’t see each other often enough, so the only game we play is the one you do while talking — you can’t say “baby.” Everybody gets a safety pin attached to their shirt, and if someone catches you saying baby, they take your pin. Person with the most pins left at the end of the damn thing is the winner. Do you know how hard it is to throw a baby shower and not say “baby?” I usually just lose my pin as quickly as possible and go on with my yakking.

    Because of this, and because I am literally the only person of my acquaintance who had the traditional bridal/baby shower (marrying young and doing everything first has its disadvantages), I’ve only hated my own showers. The ones I’ve gone to for other people were actually pretty fun. Even the one for my BFF where we drew pictures of our favorite sex position, because DAMN. My friends can’t draw worth shit.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Mar 30, 2012 @ 15:39:57

      Drawing pictures of your favorite sexual positions? That does not sound like any kind of shower I have ever attended. I need your friends. That sounds like my idea of a good time!

      Reply

  12. atypicallyrelevant
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 17:20:58

    I had no bridal shower since we planned the wedding from 2300 miles away, and I was not-So-secretly thrilled about it. Female cooing and fawning is like Chinese water torture to me. I recently attended a friend’s baby shower because, as she put it, “you’ll be the only sane bitch there.” her mom and sister hosted and had it on a very tight schedule. By the end me, mom to be, and several other childless women wanted to murder everyone else and drink over their lifeless bodies.

    Showers: the new justifiable homicide.

    Reply

  13. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 23:12:56

    I agree. I can’t stand showers, either. I don’t mind buying people presents, but I don’t want or need to see them open mine and everyone else’s. Show up, drop off present, eat, drink, leave. Or just send present in the mail, that works for me as well.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Mar 30, 2012 @ 15:41:55

      Yeah, I totally bought the bride to be a gift card. I could have mailed it if I wanted, but it was family and I didn’t feel like trying to create an airtight excuse for not coming. My creative was broken, apparently.

      Reply

  14. Jaime
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 23:36:21

    that cake has scarred me for life.

    Reply

  15. Vesta Vayne
    Mar 28, 2012 @ 23:39:47

    Whoa whoa whoa…are those your feet beneath that last pic of the horribly disturbing cake?

    Reply

  16. Kim
    Mar 29, 2012 @ 00:11:20

    LOL… there was actually liquor at the last baby shower I went to… LIQUOR!!!! Best baby shower ever!!!

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Mar 30, 2012 @ 15:43:06

      I think liquor should be mandatory at all showers. Just because the momma to be can’t drink, why should everyone else suffer? It’s a party, for crimeny sakes!

      Reply

  17. weezafish
    Mar 29, 2012 @ 01:43:18

    I was all ready to comment until I saw that last cake. Speechless now ..

    Reply

  18. hoodyhoo
    Mar 29, 2012 @ 07:30:49

    It’s the GAMES, the damnable GAMES that I can’t stand… come near me with toilet paper or anything remotely resembling a checklist and I will take your damn eye out with a cocktail pick. AND I WILL STILL EAT THE LIL’ SMOKY ON IT AFTER.

    Reply

  19. Seraphinalina
    Mar 29, 2012 @ 11:42:15

    I have a no baby shower policy. It stems from infertility and protecting my own emotions, but I gotta say, I don’t miss them. When it is my turn (and damn it someone will call me Mom eventually) I don’t want a shower. When the kid arrives maybe we’ll have a party for everyone so they can meet the kid, but it will NOT be a shower. Just a party. We host parties all the time, it’s just a party with a new person.

    Bridal showers… depends. Family I don’t know too well, I’m okay with because it generally means family I don’t see often will be there and I’d rather see them at a shower than a funeral even if the games suck. Friends, I’d rather go to their bachelorette and make them lingerie instead of buying some small appliance.

    Reply

  20. Kitten Thunder's Girl
    Mar 29, 2012 @ 17:16:02

    From the looks of it, you are not alone on the shower loathing. I have a friend here in town who has declared herself to be my matron of honor – I’m not engage and ALL my friends are married now so…

    Anyway, if someone insists on a shower for me for either events there will be food, alcohol (ESPECIALLY for the baby shower) and fast present opening. And if anyone and I mean ANYONE tries to measure or take a picture of a swelling body part they will be seriously injured. I don’t hug. You sure as heck aren’t going to fondle me unless you’re the one that got me in that way.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Mar 30, 2012 @ 15:46:03

      Oh, yeah. There was none of that crap at my baby shower. DO NOT TOUCH THE BELLY. I couldn’t stand it when random strangers came up and started fondling my stomach. What about this says “open season for fondling?” Step off!!

      Reply

  21. Jaclyn
    Mar 30, 2012 @ 09:48:17

    My husband is hispanic and I was in for a bit of culture shock when I had my baby shower. No, actually that’s a lie. My mom threw my shower, but I’ve been to quite a few of theirs, and let me tell you, it is not a bunch of chicks sitting around opening presents. They hire a dj or a band and get lots of booze (no, seriously, all the booze) and have a huge party that lasts (no exaggeration) at least 6 or 7 hours. I once went to a 1 year old’s birthday/baptism party that was from 3pm-3am. They hired a performer for the kids and a band for the later evening. It was insane. But certainly not boring.

    Reply

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