Thrust your Hips and Squeeze your Knees Together

Olympic-Rings

I love the Olympics.  Summer and Winter.  Every 2 years, I watch hours and hours of sports during a two week period.  Sports that on a regular basis I don’t have a lot of interest in, but cannot get enough of when they are all crammed together and feature multinational competitors.  There are exceptions, obviously.  I will never have any interest in hockey or long distance running/skiing/skating.  But other things that I would never think to watch at any other time; ice skating, ski jumping, swimming, gymnastics . . . I am zealously invested in during Olympic season.

The interesting thing about watching sports that I do not usually follow is listening to the “expert” commentators.  Each sport seems to have its own language and/or terminology, that most people would not be familiar with if they were not fans or participants of that specific sport.  And sometimes, listening to the commentators talk about specific sports is like listening to a foreign language, even though they are technically speaking English.

Take mogul skiing for example.  I was watching this Olympic event the other night, rooting on the favorite and prior gold medal winner, American Anna Kearney, during her final run.  Sadly, she didn’t accomplish a repeat gold medal win, and had to settle for bronze when she made one little mistake.  That’s really all it takes in these types of highly skilled competitions.

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Yet, however disappointing it was to see her heartbroken at coming in third, and her failure to grab another gold medal, there was a silver lining.  Two, actually.  For her, it was the fact that she still gets to bring home an Olympic medal for her country, obviously.  But for me, it was hearing the commentators talk about her run.  Because immediately after her bronze medal run, the commentators went through it again in slow motion and gave a full description of her different moves . . . with the most delightful, unintentionally sexual descriptions of any Olympic event that I think I’ve ever heard.

Here are some of the things that they actually said while describing her run over the mogul hills:

She gets bucked around a little bit but squeezes it back together.

There’s that action, getting her tips on the ground.

Nice tight knees together.

Then thrusting her hips forward . . . pulling her heels back underneath her.  And the effect is a nice steady upper body, quiet head, quiet hands, as she swings her pole tips out.

Is that not the most wonderful description of a sporting event that you’ve ever heard?  I know it was good for me.  In fact, I’m not sure if I should be yelling “U.S.A!  U.S.A!  U.S.A!” or if I should go smoke a cigarette.  I guess I can do both.  I just love sports.

What is your favorite saucy sports terminology?

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34 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. thoughtsappear
    Feb 11, 2014 @ 09:06:40

    And that is why I couldn’t be a commentator. I’d be snickering the whole way through the dialogue.

    Reply

  2. Ken Degner (Ken-inatractor)
    Feb 11, 2014 @ 09:13:53

    You need to watch the women’s curling! HURRY HARD!!

    Reply

  3. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd
    Feb 11, 2014 @ 11:05:58

    It’s not sexual but I grin every time “twizzle” is mentioned during ice dancing. That is the silliest term, particularly since it’s supposedly very difficult to do.

    Reply

  4. PinotNinja
    Feb 11, 2014 @ 11:19:40

    Hahahaha!

    My other favorite thing about the moguls commentary is that one of the “experts” is Johnny Mosley. Yes, he won a gold medal and is a bad ass skier. But he was also the host of the tawdry yet delightful MTV Real World Road Rules Challenge for years, which, now that I think about it, probably prepared him well for all of this double entendre commentary…

    Reply

  5. Samantha Brinn Merel
    Feb 11, 2014 @ 14:21:38

    I LOVE the olympics. Every 2 years I get completely obsessed. I can’t sleep or eat or function on any normal human level from opening to closing ceremony.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Mar 04, 2014 @ 15:49:22

      I am the same. It takes up all of my waking moments. And then it’s gone, and I’m filled with a gaping, empty hole until 2 years later. Hold me?

      Reply

  6. joannerambling
    Feb 11, 2014 @ 20:47:02

    I like the Olympics but I don’t watch them maybe if we were better at some of the winter sports and won some metals I would feel different

    Reply

  7. Andrea @ Maybe It's Just Me
    Feb 11, 2014 @ 21:31:54

    Sheesh! I need to get my head out of the biters, hammers and hoggers of curling and into some other events. ;)

    Reply

  8. Natalie DeYoung
    Feb 11, 2014 @ 22:53:42

    I never thought about the comments like that! Granted, it’s been a few years since I’ve watched the Olympics, as I haven’t had TV in about eight years.
    Thank you though, because now I’ve had my evening laugh. :)

    Reply

  9. bluzdude
    Feb 12, 2014 @ 08:39:40

    You should watch the hockey. Then you could learn the merits of watching a guy “dangle.”

    And you were watching a Pittsburgh Penguins game, and were very lucky, you might heat their color guy mention the illustrious “pickle-stabber.”

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Mar 04, 2014 @ 15:51:31

      Wow, who knew hockey was so naughty. I just thought it was about shooting pucks into nets and guys slamming each other against boards. Oh, wait . . .

      Reply

  10. The Byronic Man
    Feb 12, 2014 @ 10:21:16

    It’s childish but if I watch the ski jump, every time – every time – someone goes off the ramp I go,”Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!”

    Reply

  11. Nicole
    Feb 12, 2014 @ 13:04:52

    As an avid skier myself, I had to read the dialoge twice because I didn’t get it. It all sounded normal. You should head to the hill and hear the talk on the mountain. Shred some gnar gnar pow pow on a bluebird away from the corduroy.

    I’m a fan of listening to ice dancing comments – the twizzles.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Mar 04, 2014 @ 15:53:43

      Yes, that’s why I mentioned that it sounds completely normal when you know the lingo, but to an outsider it is crazy. And yes, the twizzles are the best!

      Reply

  12. pegoleg
    Feb 13, 2014 @ 16:14:11

    You’re a pervert, Misty. Have I told you lately how much I love that about you?

    Reply

  13. Brett Minor
    Feb 13, 2014 @ 19:41:17

    After my move, I decided not to get cable, so I haven’t caught any of the Olympics. Although, all I ever really would watch was luge and bobsled

    Reply

  14. about100percent
    Feb 14, 2014 @ 09:38:52

    I did not know this about the Olympics, mainly because I have not watched them in years. YEARS. Until last night, when I watched the Skeleton event and felt my heart leap into my throat. Those people are Capital C Crazy.

    I have been known to make inappropriate commentary in mixed company about the luge in the past. Even though I have no business discussing it.

    Reply

    • mistyslaws
      Mar 04, 2014 @ 15:56:05

      Could you imagine throwing yourself headfirst down a steep icy slope, laying on a popsicle stick? It is indeed mad.

      Who doesn’t love a well timed inappropriate luge joke at a party?

      Reply

  15. thesinglecell
    Feb 14, 2014 @ 16:33:21

    My favorite suggestive sports word is “penetration.” It’s used in reference to offense in basketball. My second favorite, also for basketball, is “ball handling.” I don’t feel I need to explain my reasons.

    Reply

  16. JM Randolph
    Feb 17, 2014 @ 11:39:19

    Like single cell, I vote for “ball handling.”

    Reply

  17. Valerie
    Feb 18, 2014 @ 21:50:27

    You just made me actually want to watch the Olympics… I love you

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    Reply

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