ME.
That’s right, all of you other wives out there can just go ahead and stop trying. No need to exhaust yourselves for no reason, because I’ve got this thing all tied up. It’s in the bag. The trophy is en route to my house right now. It is a fait accompli.
Basically, the wife who buys their husband a brand new car as an anniversary present pretty much takes the cake, n’est pas?
That’s right. You heard me . . .
Brand. New. Car.
And the best part is that it was a complete surprise as he pulled into the driveway upon his return from a business trip to Brazil. That is when he saw the pretty new shiny gift, topped with a big red bow, sitting in the driveway.
“Am I at the right house?”
“I think I may be in shock.”
“I’m speechless.”
Just some of the phrases spoken by my husband that will be reviewed by the committee when they are judging this year’s Best Wife competition. But like I said, it’s pretty much a done deal, so don’t strain yourselves trying to eek close to my level of awesomeness. It’s a gift, really. A gift, just like the fabulous new car that I gave my husband! Booya.
Now, I’m sure some of you might be thinking that the extravagance of the gift might disqualify me from the competition, but au contraire, mes amies! See, it is not an extravagant gift . . . it is an appropriate and thoughtful gift. Extra points, bitches!! You see, we just paid off our last car payment this past May, and those payments were tres expensive! So now, there is a little extra in the monthly budget to play with. Additionally, he is driving a 1996 Jeep Wrangler that is literally falling apart around him. The radio does not work, there are huge holes in the floor, there is no backseat, the heat/air is broken . . . it is basically one big piece of crap whose days are numbered. So, the purchase of the new car was not only affordable (the monthly payment will be half of the previous one), but necessary from a safety perspective. I am kind, considerate and generous . . . all high scores in the Wifely Olympics.
World’s. BEST. Wife.
I thought last year I might have had a fighting chance, what with the purchase of season tickets to this year’s Orioles games, but I didn’t quite make it into the running. Granted, it was a very nice gift, and I spent a good chunk of cash on it, but it didn’t quite reach up to the level of best wife status.
But this year . . . oh ho, there is no stopping me this year! Barring a wife who selflessly donates her last kidney so that her husband may survive, while she makes the ultimate sacrifice of giving her life for her man (damn you 2010!!), I’m pretty sure that I will be the ultimate victor in this year’s quest for supremacy.
I know many of you will be disappointed. Just as I was in the past when I came just this close to making it. But, think of it this way . . . now you can stop trying so hard! Go take a nap, you deserve it. No more super-human efforts to organize and schlep the kids to multiple sporting events each day while your husband sits home watching TV or YouTube videos. No more working all day at your thankless job, just to come home to fix a gourmet dinner for your family, and then do laundry and go scrub the toilets. No need to keep being nice to his mother. No. More. Blow Jobs.
Yeah, you’re welcome.
Hippie Cahier
Oct 23, 2013 @ 08:33:35
So, about those Orioles’ tickets: will you marry me?
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:05:46
I thought you’d never ask . . .
thoughtsappear
Oct 23, 2013 @ 08:58:57
“Additionally, he is driving a 1996 Jeep Wrangler”—Dibs!!!—“that is literally falling apart around him.” Nevermind….
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:06:51
You could totally have it . . . except it’s not safe for a baby. Or a human. Or even a canine, probably. Yeah, I’m thinking you should just keep your Honda.
donofalltrades
Oct 23, 2013 @ 09:05:45
You bought a Wrangler man a 4 door sedan? pffffft!!! It’s a thoughtful effort for sure, but you could have done better, Misty. And the Orioles? I don’t recall seeing them in the playoffs this season, but I’m sure it was also a thoughtful gift on your part. Maybe don’t lose the blow jobs from your repertoire just yet?
JudahFirst
Oct 23, 2013 @ 12:05:11
hehehe 🙂
thesinglecell
Oct 23, 2013 @ 20:09:34
Wwwow.
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:08:30
He’s never really been “a wrangler man.” He just drove a Jeep. And . . . I don’t recall seeing your team WIN the World Series. So . . . what were we talking about again? :p
Don't Quote Lily
Oct 23, 2013 @ 09:16:15
Nice!!! Go you! Literally laughed out loud at: “No. More. Blow Jobs.” You’re too much. 😆
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:10:08
Thanks! 🙂
Go Jules Go
Oct 23, 2013 @ 10:00:16
Is it wrong that I would have been more excited about the giant bow?
But in terms of your new title… about the next to last line… that car is awfully roomy (and toasty warm, I bet, with a properly working heating and cooling system)… seems a shame to let that go to waste.
Jennie Saia
Oct 23, 2013 @ 10:54:44
Yeah! Think of the places that bow could go! (Hello, inner Dr. Seuss.)
The Cutter
Oct 23, 2013 @ 13:31:55
No, the bow is the most impressive part of the gift. Where the hell do you find a bow that size?
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:12:44
The bow was the most important part!! I made sure that the dealership (which was awesome!) knew that the bow was part of the package. And they totally delivered!! I had never seen one of those in real life before . . . just on Lexus holiday commercials. But yes Virginia, they DO exist!
ksujulie
Oct 23, 2013 @ 10:32:31
Bahahaha. No. More. Blowjobs.
I need to figure out how to negotiate a car!!!!
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:13:17
Worth. Every. Penny!! 😉
The Cutter
Oct 23, 2013 @ 13:32:27
Personally, if I had a choice between a new car and future BJs, I’m not choosing the car.
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:14:02
Ha! Why am I not suprised that my male readers are not quite as impressed. 😉
bluzdude
Oct 23, 2013 @ 13:34:55
No more blow… now wait… shouldn’t there be an aggressive scramble for 2nd place? Why should all the other husbands be punished?
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:14:40
You’re not even married. I’m sure the race for best girlfriend is still in play. You’re fine! 😉
Andrea @ Maybe It's Just Me
Oct 23, 2013 @ 15:13:17
Phew…thanks for taking the pressure off! Now to find my granny panties and those big comfy flannel pj’s. Enjoy your title!
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:15:16
You’re welcome!! I’m sitting in mine right now. 😉
Robbie K (@momma23monkeys)
Oct 23, 2013 @ 16:48:17
hahahahahahaha
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:15:28
🙂
Fresh Ginger
Oct 23, 2013 @ 17:07:11
You were still giving blow jobs after you got married? What was the point?
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:15:53
Well . . . no. Ok, you got me on that one.
Fresh Ginger
Nov 05, 2013 @ 11:03:37
hahahaha
New Beginnings (@thesoupison)
Oct 23, 2013 @ 17:37:19
Hahahaha!!!! The no more blow jobs line was sublime.
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:16:25
Thanks! I was afraid it would be a bit riske. Seems to be going down well, though. 😉
tmwhickman (@fercryinoutloud)
Oct 23, 2013 @ 21:39:29
Hahahahahahaha!!! Sure, okay–you win! But what if you like blow jobs?
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:17:49
Wait . . . LIKE blow jobs? Crap . . . I think I’ve just been dethroned.
Valerie
Oct 23, 2013 @ 21:51:39
I hope it’s got legit GPS in there!! Not the I’m-gonna-kill-you type. Also, gay marriage is legal in NJ now. Just sayin…. I love you…
Hugs!
Valerie
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:18:53
He’s got a Garmin. Problem solved!
I think you, me and Hippie will need to relocate to Utah if we’re gonna make this thing happen. Pack your bags!! 🙂
TriGirl
Oct 23, 2013 @ 22:43:30
Congratulations!! If anyone needs me, I’ll be lying on a beach somewhere being not-the-wife-of-the-year.
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:22:29
And . . . you’re welcome. Hope the hubs is footing the bill for that exotic vacation. I hear husband of the year is still a tight race! 😉
consciouscacophony
Oct 24, 2013 @ 01:32:35
Ha ha 🙂 This was so entertaining, particularly since I handed in my wife card last year, so no longer have any pressure to be the best! So well-written. Loved it.
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:23:04
Thank you so much!! 🙂
skipcote
Oct 24, 2013 @ 05:53:58
always wanted to know where you get a bow like that? this is one of the funniest thing I’ve read in a while thanks.
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:25:11
Thanks! Apparently, the right car dealership will get you anything you want. Like magic. 🙂
JM Randolph
Oct 24, 2013 @ 07:50:13
I want a job putting bows on cars.
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:26:04
So, basically you are saying that you want a bow job?
Bah-dum-bum. Thanks folks, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal . . .
JM Randolph
Nov 05, 2013 @ 15:09:28
Niiiice! And don’t forget your bartenders and waitresses.
Jake
Oct 24, 2013 @ 08:28:20
Can I be your husband? I don’t need a car in New York but if you bought me one I would drive it Every. Day.
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:27:29
Sure! Although, I’m not sure bigomy is legal in New York quite yet . . . this commune in Utah is getting bigger and bigger!! 😉
joeinvegas
Oct 24, 2013 @ 10:19:51
Sorry, best wife is still the one that sends the kids to their friends for a sleep over and greets her hubby at the door nekkid. Several times a week.
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:29:10
Hmmm, that would get extra points, it’s true. Ok, so maybe we can tie! I’ll share the title, no prob. 😉
Natalie DeYoung
Oct 24, 2013 @ 12:05:37
Thank God, I can stop trying now. 😉
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:29:46
Being a loser has never been so great, yes? 😉
Janelle Weibelzahl
Oct 24, 2013 @ 20:37:17
Challenge accepted. 😉
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:30:08
Hahahaha!! Ok, go for it.
ReallyGina1 (@ReallyGina1)
Oct 24, 2013 @ 21:34:46
Hilarious! I love the four words right before “Yeah, you’re welcome.” Kidding! You win. You would in my household!
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:30:35
Ha! Thanks. 🙂
PinotNinja
Oct 29, 2013 @ 14:34:29
Damn girl! You are good! Not only for your gift giving skills, but also for letting me off the blow job hook. Not that I was really giving the old college try to that activity, but at least now I don’t have to feel guilty at all about pretending that I don’t know what that activity is.
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:31:08
Blow what? What’s this, now? Never heard of it. 😉
Ken
Oct 30, 2013 @ 13:55:49
A Jeep AND blow jobs? That’s a lot to give up………just saying.
mistyslaws
Nov 05, 2013 @ 10:33:05
Well, to be fair, he gets to keep the Jeep, too. So, he’s really not giving up anything, particularly! 😉